# At what point in a friendship are you justified in feeling somewhat used? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [March 15, 2006, 7:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/at-what-point-in-a-friendship-are-you-justified-in-feeling-somewhat-used/348500 "2006-03-15T19:06:07Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 6\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![astro](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/9dc877/32.png) [@astro](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/astro)\ **Post date:** [March 16, 2006, 7:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/at-what-point-in-a-friendship-are-you-justified-in-feeling-somewhat-used/348500/21 "2006-03-16T19:57:23Z")
> [@sunfish](#): > > Or, she may just _think_ that you’re developing feelings for her, despite the fact that you and she don’t fit each other’s previously stated romantic preferences, and she doesn’t want to appear to be encouraging you. > > It’s really nice of you to go above and beyond once in a while, but as in this example: > > you went overboard, IMHO, with the shoes, belt and watch. If I had been in her position I’d have gotten mighty uncomfortable myself. In one single gesture, you may have outdone anything the kid’s biological father has done for him in recent memory, and she may have been left thinking that soon you’ll be looking for “payback” from her in a way she’s not prepared to handle. (No offense meant to you, astro, but that sort of maneuver is common enough to raise the possibility in her mind.) > > Make yourself less available if you want, but if I were you I’d definitely stop with the extra flourishes on the favors she does ask you for. Then perhaps you won’t feel as put out, either, if she doesn’t offer you dinner or company in front of the TV. I know but I’m a guy, if you can’t over-do something then what’s the point? 😉 ---
**Author:** ![lavenderviolet](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/cdc98d/32.png) [@lavenderviolet](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/lavenderviolet)\ **Post date:** [March 16, 2006, 11:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/at-what-point-in-a-friendship-are-you-justified-in-feeling-somewhat-used/348500/22 "2006-03-16T23:01:56Z")
Yeah, my suspicion is that sunfish is onto something here. She might be thinking your extra attempts to be nice are meant in a romantic way and is keeping her distance because she doesn’t want to seem like she’s “encouraging” you. In fact, there’s another thread on here right now where a woman talks about how her male buddy keeps falling all over himself trying to do favors for her because he has the hots for her and so far we’ve all been advising her to keep her distance from him (see [http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?t=363030](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?t=363030) ). So, maybe your buddy will feel more comfortable warming up to you after some reassurance that your intentions are completely innocent. Good for you for trying to be nice to her without any hidden agenda. I wish I had such a good, dependable male friend in my life. Sadly, I run into a lot of guys who don’t seem to see any point in socializing with women unless there’s a chance it’s leading to sex or a relationship. ---
**Author:** ![even\_sven](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/dfb087/32.png) [@even\_sven](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/even_sven)\ **Post date:** [March 16, 2006, 11:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/at-what-point-in-a-friendship-are-you-justified-in-feeling-somewhat-used/348500/23 "2006-03-16T23:15:19Z")
It can be hard to keep perspective, especially when you are truely in need of help. I find for my sometimes less socially adept friends it helps to lay out the terms beforehand. For example, if a friend asks me to host an event I’ll say “Okay. Maybe you could pick up a case of beer for it”, or if he asks to borrow my stuff I’ll say “Sure, as long as you make me some of your famous lasagne.” ---
**Author:** ![Tastes\_of\_Chocolate](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/tastes_of_chocolate/32/3232_2.png) [@Tastes\_of\_Chocolate](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tastes_of_Chocolate)\ **Post date:** [March 16, 2006, 11:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/at-what-point-in-a-friendship-are-you-justified-in-feeling-somewhat-used/348500/24 "2006-03-16T23:35:18Z")
> [@astro](#): > > The problem I have at this point is that I’m feeling kind of stupid and childish on one level, in that I really would have liked her to offer me some dinner, or possibly to have offered me the option to sit down and watch TV with her and her kid for a brief time after the last fix-it. Being a single guy is kind of a spare existence and offers of hospitality are appreciated. You’ve gotten a lot of responses about other parts of your post, and I agree with many of them. It sounds like either you are under appreciated, or she isn’t at all good at expressing appreciating. But I was kind of struck by this paragraph. You mention that you occasionally go out to dinner if you are both working late. Have you considered calling her up, mention that you are bored and offer to bring over a pizza and a movie? Or the next time you are over working on something, ask if you can bring a 6pack of beer and some sub sandwiches? If she is working full time +, and raising kids, it may be that she’s used to have lots going on, and it just hasn’t struck her that maybe you’d love some time to just socialize and hang out. Possibly, it could give her an idea of a way to return some of the favors you’ve been doing. ---
**Author:** ![Ghanima](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/9e8a1a/32.png) [@Ghanima](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ghanima)\ **Post date:** [March 16, 2006, 11:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/at-what-point-in-a-friendship-are-you-justified-in-feeling-somewhat-used/348500/25 "2006-03-16T23:55:04Z")
Or maybe she’s just totally unaware of her “user” tendencies. I had a friend who I always went out of my way for, always going to her place, always dealing with her drama, and pretty much got nothing back in return. When our relationship hit a point where she got angry at me for not calling and coming over more, I disengaged and simply stopped speaking to her. After a few years, she contacted me and was much more ready to have a two-way relationship. I don’t think it was passive-aggresive of me to do that. To this day, we acknowledge the years of silence but do not discuss the reason for it. It is understood that between both of our strong personalities a discussion would turn into a debate which would turn into an argument, to nobody’s benefit. If you feel this woman is going to be unable to recognize or reasonably discuss what’s going on, I’d strongly suggest disengaging yourself without confrontation and giving you both time to think about what you want/need. ---
**Author:** ![Cat\_Whisperer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cat_whisperer/32/4839_2.png) [@Cat\_Whisperer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cat_Whisperer)\ **Post date:** [March 17, 2006, 2:41am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/at-what-point-in-a-friendship-are-you-justified-in-feeling-somewhat-used/348500/26 "2006-03-17T02:41:06Z")
Something people haven’t really touched on yet - some people are not at all comfortable with being beholden to other people. When she asked for _a_ tie, you might have made her uncomfortable and/or embarrassed by going overboard. I know that I have extremely strong independent tendencies, and I have had to learn to ask other people for _anything_. 'Course, if I was feeling beholden to someone, I would ask them to stay for dinner to even things up a bit. Anyway, just a thought. I think you probably are being taken for granted, and I agree with everyone who says you should become a little less accessible for her convenience. I had a friend once that I got along pretty good with - she had no car, I had a car, and when she got a car, I never saw her again. I can’t say I missed a “friend” like that. Maybe you’ll see what kind of friendship you have if you stop going over and above for her. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/at-what-point-in-a-friendship-are-you-justified-in-feeling-somewhat-used/348500.md?page=1)