# Atheist: Your favourite ridiculous Bible quotes **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [January 24, 2016, 1:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/atheist-your-favourite-ridiculous-bible-quotes/744077 "2016-01-24T13:37:59Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![Asimovian](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/asimovian/32/172_2.png) [@Asimovian](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Asimovian)\ **Post date:** [January 25, 2016, 7:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/atheist-your-favourite-ridiculous-bible-quotes/744077/21 "2016-01-25T19:38:13Z")
> [@Drunky\_Smurf](#): > > The whole Bible is a retard. I can’t believe so many idiots believe that retardation. Serious or not, this comment is out of line for the thread. No warning issued. ---
**Author:** ![Cumberdale](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/8c91f0/32.png) [@Cumberdale](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cumberdale)\ **Post date:** [January 25, 2016, 8:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/atheist-your-favourite-ridiculous-bible-quotes/744077/22 "2016-01-25T20:12:28Z")
Exodus 9:12 And the LORD hardened Pharaoh’s heart, and he did not listen to them, just as the LORD had spoken to Moses. So even if Pharaoh’s heart could have been changed God interferes and prevents it. What an SoB. ---
**Author:** ![TheSeaOtter](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/ed655f/32.png) [@TheSeaOtter](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TheSeaOtter)\ **Post date:** [January 25, 2016, 8:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/atheist-your-favourite-ridiculous-bible-quotes/744077/23 "2016-01-25T20:40:12Z")
> [@ReticulatingSplines](#): > > The verses dealing with God’s strange obsession with genitals are uniformly outstanding, but my favorite is Deut 25:11-12: > > “If two men are fighting and the wife of one of them comes to rescue her husband from his assailant, and she reaches out and seizes him by his private parts, you shall cut off her hand. Show her no pity.” > > Presumably, this doesn’t preclude kicking your foot into his private parts, but I’m no theologian so who knows. Oddly specific, too. Did this situation really come up often enough to specifically write about? ---
**Author:** ![Chihuahua](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/dec6dc/32.png) [@Chihuahua](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Chihuahua)\ **Post date:** [January 25, 2016, 9:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/atheist-your-favourite-ridiculous-bible-quotes/744077/24 "2016-01-25T21:19:14Z")
> [@TheSeaOtter](#): > > Oddly specific, too. Did this situation really come up often enough to specifically write about? You know, there are certain times someone will mention an extremely specific rule and you can’t help but think there’s a story behind it. Scribe: “Okay, so we’ve covered everything up to the part where your husband’s brother refuses to carry on the family name in Israel, yadda yadda, yadda, he loses his shoe and you spat in his face… Okay, I’ve still got some tablet left. Anything else?” Hebrew: “Well, there was this one time…” ---
**Author:** ![buddha\_david](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/ee7513/32.png) [@buddha\_david](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/buddha_david)\ **Post date:** [January 25, 2016, 9:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/atheist-your-favourite-ridiculous-bible-quotes/744077/25 "2016-01-25T21:48:41Z")
**Numbers 24:8** - “God brought him forth out of Egypt; he hath as it were the strength of an **unicorn** : he shall eat up the nations his enemies, and shall break their bones, and pierce them through with his arrows.” **Deuteronomy 33:17** - “His glory is like the firstling of his bullock, and his horns are like the horns of **unicorns** : with them he shall push the people together to the ends of the earth.” **Job 39:9-10** - “Will the **unicorn** be willing to serve thee, or abide by thy crib? Canst thou bind the **unicorn** with his band in the furrow? Or will he harrow the valleys after thee?” **Psalm 92:10** - “But my horn shalt thou exalt like the horn of an **unicorn** : I shall be anointed with fresh oil.” **Isaiah 34:7** - “And the **unicorns** shall come down with them, and the bullocks with the bulls; and their land shall be soaked with blood, and their dust made fat with fatness.” That’s right people, unicorns exist. The Bible says so!! ---
**Author:** ![Lemur866](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/lemur866/32/434_2.png) [@Lemur866](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lemur866)\ **Post date:** [January 25, 2016, 10:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/atheist-your-favourite-ridiculous-bible-quotes/744077/26 "2016-01-25T22:27:48Z")
Yeah, except maybe the unicorns weren’t exactly like we think. It turns out that real-life unicorns are a lot bigger than horses, are grey, and covered with armored skin. ---
**Author:** ![Czarcasm](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/czarcasm/32/4050_2.png) [@Czarcasm](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Czarcasm)\ **Post date:** [January 25, 2016, 10:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/atheist-your-favourite-ridiculous-bible-quotes/744077/27 "2016-01-25T22:42:15Z")
> [@Lemur866](#): > > Yeah, except maybe the unicorns weren’t exactly like we think. It turns out that real-life unicorns are a lot bigger than horses, are grey, and covered with armored skin. Soooo…which Biblical scholar shoehorned the description of a rhino into all the mentions of a unicorn in the Bible? ---
**Author:** ![Jayhawker\_Soule](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/57b2e6/32.png) [@Jayhawker\_Soule](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Jayhawker_Soule)\ **Post date:** [January 25, 2016, 10:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/atheist-your-favourite-ridiculous-bible-quotes/744077/28 "2016-01-25T22:47:07Z")
> [@Czarcasm](#): > > Soooo…which Biblical scholar shoehorned the description of a rhino into all the mentions of a unicorn in the Bible? How’s your Biblical Hebrew? ---
**Author:** ![AskNott](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/asknott/32/5790_2.png) [@AskNott](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AskNott)\ **Post date:** [January 25, 2016, 11:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/atheist-your-favourite-ridiculous-bible-quotes/744077/29 "2016-01-25T23:02:22Z")
> [@buddha\_david](#): > > **Deuteronomy 33:17** - "His glory is like the firstling of his bullock, … That _would_ be pretty glorious. A bullock, like a steer, is a castrated bull. The castrating is done when the fella is still a youngster, when he’s not so dangerous. Hard to imagine how a boy calf could produce a firstling (firstborn.) ---
**Author:** ![Ludovic](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/7ab992/32.png) [@Ludovic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ludovic)\ **Post date:** [January 25, 2016, 11:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/atheist-your-favourite-ridiculous-bible-quotes/744077/30 "2016-01-25T23:53:42Z")
> [@buddha\_david](#): > > **Deuteronomy 33:17** - "His glory is like the firstling of his bullock Misread this as “His glory is like the fisting of his bullock.” ---
**Author:** ![nearwildheaven](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/90db22/32.png) [@nearwildheaven](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/nearwildheaven)\ **Post date:** [January 26, 2016, 12:09am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/atheist-your-favourite-ridiculous-bible-quotes/744077/31 "2016-01-26T00:09:06Z")
> [@Chihuahua](#): > > You know, there are certain times someone will mention an extremely specific rule and you can’t help but think there’s a story behind it. > > Scribe: “Okay, so we’ve covered everything up to the part where your husband’s brother refuses to carry on the family name in Israel, yadda yadda, yadda, he loses his shoe and you spat in his face… Okay, I’ve still got some tablet left. Anything else?” > > Hebrew: “Well, there was this one time…” I’m Christian, and I have mentioned Ezekiel 23:20 more than once to fellow believers. Yep, it’s in there. 😛 As for the Deuteronomy verse about cutting off a woman’s hand if she grabs a man’s junk, that does sound like one of those rules that has a “story”. One whose “story” is known is the one regarding mixed fibers. That’s “prohibited” because in Biblical times, as now, people were mixing cheaper fibers in with thread and yarn, and passing it off as the more expensive item. And the New Testament story about women being prohibited from talking in church? That’s because the women would chit-chat prior to the service, and not stop when the service began. In the months preceding December 21, 2012, there was a cartoon circulating online where a man is carving something on a wheel and says, “I’m going to run out of room in late 2012” and another person says, “Cool! That’ll freak people out someday!” I also believe that John 21:25 explains a lot. > **[John 21:25 - Jesus and the Beloved Apostle](https://biblehub.com/john/21-25.htm)** > > There are many more things that Jesus did. If all of them were written down, I suppose that not even the world itself would have space for the books that would be written. Any pastors here on the Dope? ---
**Author:** ![nearwildheaven](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/90db22/32.png) [@nearwildheaven](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/nearwildheaven)\ **Post date:** [January 26, 2016, 12:11am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/atheist-your-favourite-ridiculous-bible-quotes/744077/32 "2016-01-26T00:11:32Z")
> [@Czarcasm](#): > > Soooo…which Biblical scholar shoehorned the description of a rhino into all the mentions of a unicorn in the Bible? Or a narwhal? ---
**Author:** ![MEBuckner](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/mebuckner/32/2896_2.png) [@MEBuckner](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MEBuckner)\ **Post date:** [January 26, 2016, 12:32am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/atheist-your-favourite-ridiculous-bible-quotes/744077/33 "2016-01-26T00:32:47Z")
Just sort of a goofy one, [Matthew 17:24-27](https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Matthew+17%3A24-27+&version=NIV): > [@](#): > > After Jesus and his disciples arrived in Capernaum, the collectors of the two-drachma temple tax came to Peter and asked, “Doesn’t your teacher pay the temple tax?” > > “Yes, he does,” he replied. > > When Peter came into the house, Jesus was the first to speak. “What do you think, Simon?” he asked. “From whom do the kings of the earth collect duty and taxes—from their own children or from others?” > > “From others,” Peter answered. > > “Then the children are exempt,” Jesus said to him. “But so that we may not cause offense, go to the lake and throw out your line. Take the first fish you catch; open its mouth and you will find a four-drachma coin. Take it and give it to them for my tax and yours.” :dubious: Wait–_what?_ I mean, you’ve got this politico-theological point about paying the temple tax or something, but then–Jesus tells Peter to catch a fish and there’s a coin in its mouth?!? > [@](#): > > When Peter came into the house, Jesus was the first to speak. “What do you think, Simon?” he asked. “From whom do the kings of the earth collect duty and taxes—from their own children or from others?” > > “From others,” Peter answered. > > “Then the children are exempt,” Jesus said to him. “But so that we may not cause offense…Hey, Peter? What’s that in your ear? Oh, look–it’s a four-drachma coin! Take it and give it to them for my tax and yours.” ---
**Author:** ![hogarth](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/hogarth/32/1773_2.png) [@hogarth](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/hogarth)\ **Post date:** [January 26, 2016, 4:24am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/atheist-your-favourite-ridiculous-bible-quotes/744077/34 "2016-01-26T04:24:29Z")
> [@buddha\_david](#): > > That’s right people, unicorns exist. The Bible says so!! Well, the King James Bible says so at any rate. Other translations say something like “ox”. ---
**Author:** ![Trinopus](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/2bfe46/32.png) [@Trinopus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Trinopus)\ **Post date:** [January 26, 2016, 4:28am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/atheist-your-favourite-ridiculous-bible-quotes/744077/35 "2016-01-26T04:28:21Z")
“Can you draw out leviathan with a hook?” Yes. Whalers did that for centuries. ---
**Author:** ![iamthewalrus\_3](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/258eb7/32.png) [@iamthewalrus\_3](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/iamthewalrus_3)\ **Post date:** [January 26, 2016, 5:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/atheist-your-favourite-ridiculous-bible-quotes/744077/36 "2016-01-26T17:25:54Z")
I was always fond of Deuteronomy 23:1 (NIV) > [@](#): > > No one who has been emasculated by crushing or cutting may enter the assembly of the LORD. Both because it seems like adding insult to injury to kick someone out of the church after their balls got crushed, and also because how exactly would this be enforced? ---
**Author:** ![ReticulatingSplines](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/e274bd/32.png) [@ReticulatingSplines](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ReticulatingSplines)\ **Post date:** [January 26, 2016, 6:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/atheist-your-favourite-ridiculous-bible-quotes/744077/37 "2016-01-26T18:19:26Z")
> [@nearwildheaven](#): > > As for the Deuteronomy verse about cutting off a woman’s hand if she grabs a man’s junk, that does sound like one of those rules that has a “story”. One whose “story” is known is the one regarding mixed fibers. That’s “prohibited” because in Biblical times, as now, people were mixing cheaper fibers in with thread and yarn, and passing it off as the more expensive item. But the rule forbids _wearing_ mixed fibers, not selling them. ---
**Author:** ![Malthus](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/85f322/32.png) [@Malthus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Malthus)\ **Post date:** [January 26, 2016, 6:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/atheist-your-favourite-ridiculous-bible-quotes/744077/38 "2016-01-26T18:50:54Z")
> [@iamthewalrus\_3](#): > > I was always fond of Deuteronomy 23:1 (NIV) > Both because it seems like adding insult to injury to kick someone out of the church after their balls got crushed, and also because how exactly would this be enforced? The reasoning I have heard for this is that the Israelites wanted to prevent the formation of a eunuch priesthood - as was apparently not uncommon Med. world in antiquity (think of the priests of Cybele as the most prominent example). In this theory, the prohibition didn’t apply to accidental injury, but to deliberate castration. The Priests of Cybele did this to themselves. :eek: This then would just be another way for the Israelites to make their cult practices different from their neighbours - like their rejection of human sacrifice. Assuming this interpretation applies (and as far as I know, there is limited evidence either way), this quote makes a certain degree of sense. ---
**Author:** ![Malthus](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/85f322/32.png) [@Malthus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Malthus)\ **Post date:** [January 26, 2016, 6:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/atheist-your-favourite-ridiculous-bible-quotes/744077/39 "2016-01-26T18:55:33Z")
> [@Trinopus](#): > > “Can you draw out leviathan with a hook?” > > Yes. Whalers did that for centuries. Is it worth pointing out that Leviathan in the OT isn’t a humble whale, but rather a mythical sea monster, who is only supposed to die at the end of time? 😉 ---
**Author:** ![Colibri](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/colibri/32/1841_2.png) [@Colibri](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Colibri)\ **Post date:** [January 26, 2016, 7:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/atheist-your-favourite-ridiculous-bible-quotes/744077/40 "2016-01-26T19:35:45Z")
> [@Malthus](#): > > Is it worth pointing out that Leviathan in the OT isn’t a humble whale, but rather a mythical sea monster, who is only supposed to die at the end of time? 😉 Right. Whales don’t usually have scales or breathe smoke and fire. > [@](#): > > His scales are his pride, shut up together as with a close seal. > One is so near to another, that no air can come between them. > They are joined one to another, they stick together, that they cannot be sundered. > By his neesings a light doth shine, and his eyes are like the eyelids of the morning. > Out of his mouth go burning lamps, and sparks of fire leap out. > Out of his nostrils goeth smoke, as out of a seething pot or caldron. > His breath kindleth coals, and a flame goeth out of his mouth. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/atheist-your-favourite-ridiculous-bible-quotes/744077.md?page=1) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/atheist-your-favourite-ridiculous-bible-quotes/744077.md?page=3)