# Atheist: Your favourite ridiculous Bible quotes **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [January 24, 2016, 1:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/atheist-your-favourite-ridiculous-bible-quotes/744077 "2016-01-24T13:37:59Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 5
**Author:** ![Knorf](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/58956e/32.png) [@Knorf](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Knorf)\ **Post date:** [January 28, 2016, 10:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/atheist-your-favourite-ridiculous-bible-quotes/744077/81 "2016-01-28T22:40:34Z")
> [@standingwave](#): > > Bob Dylan said it much more poetically… > Oh God said to Abraham, “Kill me a son” > Abe says, “Man, you must be puttin’ me on” > God say, “No.” Abe say, “What?” > God say, “You can do what you want Abe, but > The next time you see me comin’ you better run” > Well Abe says, “Where do you want this killin’ done?” > God says, “Out on Highway 61” Well. To be fair, Dylan is a substantially better poet than I am. (Love that song! And album!) ---
**Author:** ![TonySinclair](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/49beb7/32.png) [@TonySinclair](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TonySinclair)\ **Post date:** [January 28, 2016, 10:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/atheist-your-favourite-ridiculous-bible-quotes/744077/82 "2016-01-28T22:45:35Z")
“He made the stars also.” God spends a week creating the earth, but just as an afterthought, he takes two seconds to make hundreds of billions of galaxies, each containing hundreds of billions of stars. ---
**Author:** ![TonySinclair](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/49beb7/32.png) [@TonySinclair](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TonySinclair)\ **Post date:** [January 28, 2016, 10:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/atheist-your-favourite-ridiculous-bible-quotes/744077/83 "2016-01-28T22:48:40Z")
> [@HMS\_Irruncible](#): > > Leviticans, 7:12 - And thus she prepared for the turgid cock of a donkey, yet when upon her the cock was visited, she disdained it by saying ‘lo, this cock is too small to fill my hole’, and thus the LORD smote her and the donkey and all persons within sight. I wondered where I left my gag Bible. ---
**Author:** ![Anarcho\_Liberalist](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/df705f/32.png) [@Anarcho\_Liberalist](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Anarcho_Liberalist)\ **Post date:** [January 28, 2016, 11:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/atheist-your-favourite-ridiculous-bible-quotes/744077/84 "2016-01-28T23:05:34Z")
> [@Annie-Xmas](#): > > John 8.1 about the woman caught in adultery. With no man in sight. > > How did she commit adultery all by her lonesome? uhm … that’s the whole point of that story: when the people are about to stone her for adultery, Jesus speaks his famous words ‘he who is without sin cast the first stone’ ---
**Author:** ![Uzi](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/u/91b2a8/32.png) [@Uzi](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Uzi)\ **Post date:** [January 29, 2016, 2:00am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/atheist-your-favourite-ridiculous-bible-quotes/744077/85 "2016-01-29T02:00:16Z")
> [@Malthus](#): > > It’s a “just so” story explaining why Israelites don’t do human sacrifice (a not uncommon religious ritual in the area at the time). Was it really common? Or just something said about their enemies that justified their continued demonization and slaughter? ---
**Author:** ![Malthus](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/85f322/32.png) [@Malthus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Malthus)\ **Post date:** [January 29, 2016, 2:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/atheist-your-favourite-ridiculous-bible-quotes/744077/86 "2016-01-29T14:35:22Z")
> [@Uzi](#): > > Was it really common? Or just something said about their enemies that justified their continued demonization and slaughter? Well, from what I remember, the “demonization and slaughter” was directed at the Amalekites - who were demonized not because of their religious practices, but because of their alleged attacks on Israelis in the Exodus myth. > **[Amalek](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Amalek)** > > Amalek (/ˈæməlɛk/; Biblical Hebrew: .mw-parser-output .script-hebrew,.mw-parser-output .script-Hebr{font-family:"Ezra SIL SR","Ezra SIL","SBL Hebrew","Taamey Frank CLM","SBL BibLit","Taamey Ashkenaz","Frank Ruehl CLM","Keter Aram Tsova","Taamey David CLM","Keter YG","Shofar","David CLM","Hadasim CLM","Simple CLM","Nachlieli",Cardo,Alef,"Noto Serif Hebrew","Noto Sans Hebrew","David Libre",David,"Times New Roman",Gisha,Arial,FreeSerif,FreeSans}עֲמָלֵק‎, romanized: ʿĂmālēq) is described in the He In... The practice of human sacrifice certainly existed in the med, though how prominent it was isn’t known, due to lack of surviving archaeological evidence - not a surprise, given how little has survived. The best evidence comes from the Carthaginians, though hundreds of years later than the writings in the OT. Carthage was a colony of Phonecia, and presumably shared culture with its parent; they allegedly practiced human sacrifice of children, as reported by their enemies the Romans (who also practiced human sacrifice, but of adults, in funeral rituals that eventually evolved into the gladiatorial games: plus, killing children wasn’t terribly taboo in Roman culture - in antiquity, sickly infants were sometimes “exposed” - that is, left to die). The Romans had no particular reasons to collude with the Israelis in lying about Phoenician culture. Recent archaeology tends to confirm the Roman and Greek accounts. > **[Carthaginians sacrificed own children, archaeologists say](https://www.theguardian.com/science/2014/jan/21/carthaginians-sacrificed-own-children-study)** > > Graves holding tiny cremated bones confirm accounts dismissed as Greek or Roman black propaganda, study shows So, the evidence is that Greeks, Romans and Israelis all claim that child sacrifice occurred; this has since been more or less confirmed by archaeological evidence (though as can be seen, these conclusions are controversial). Seems to me the weight of evidence supports the fact that it did indeed happen - otherwise, one has to claim all of these ancient observers independently decided to ‘slander’ this culture in _exactly the same way_ (despite the fact that Romans had noting against either human sacrifice or killing children per se), or alternatively, that the Romans and Greeks were reading the Torah and getting their slanders from obscure passages in that work. ---
**Author:** ![Anarcho\_Liberalist](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/df705f/32.png) [@Anarcho\_Liberalist](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Anarcho_Liberalist)\ **Post date:** [January 29, 2016, 2:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/atheist-your-favourite-ridiculous-bible-quotes/744077/87 "2016-01-29T14:48:48Z")
> [@TonySinclair](#): > > “He made the stars also.” > > God spends a week creating the earth, but just as an afterthought, he takes two seconds to make hundreds of billions of galaxies, each containing hundreds of billions of stars. Which reminds me: God created the sun and the difference between day and night on the **third** day. How the hell did He know it was the third day? ---
**Author:** ![Knorf](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/58956e/32.png) [@Knorf](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Knorf)\ **Post date:** [January 29, 2016, 3:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/atheist-your-favourite-ridiculous-bible-quotes/744077/88 "2016-01-29T15:26:16Z")
> [@Your\_Great\_Darsh\_Face](#): > > This thread has come as a huge relief. Too seldom do atheists around here dare to ridicule [del]religion[/del] Christianity! I hope everyone now feels free to cast off the shackles. I’d be more sympathetic to the whinging that spawned the above sarcasm if there were a lot less baseless “Christian” propaganda being regurgitated by numerous leading members of one of the two major political parties in the U.S.: “America is a Christian nation!” “The Constitution was based on the Bible!” “The nation is falling to pieces because we took prayer out of the schools!” “The Bible creation myth should be taught alongside the Big Bang and Evolution!” “We will live by the law of God and no other law!” Etc. Literally on a daily basis, that kind of crap is shoved in our faces. So less of that, and we’ll mock the Bible correspondingly less on the SDMB. Deal? Ironically, I actually non-sarcastically _do_ hope everyone begins to feel free to “cast off the shackles” that religion places on the intellect. If this thread’s otherwise inconsequential mockery is a step in that direction for some, great! ---
**Author:** ![Anarcho\_Liberalist](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/df705f/32.png) [@Anarcho\_Liberalist](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Anarcho_Liberalist)\ **Post date:** [January 29, 2016, 5:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/atheist-your-favourite-ridiculous-bible-quotes/744077/89 "2016-01-29T17:02:40Z")
> [@Knorf](#): > > Ironically, I actually non-sarcastically _do_ hope everyone begins to feel free to “cast off the shackles” that religion places on the intellect. If this thread’s otherwise inconsequential mockery is a step in that direction for some, great! I hope you mean christiaans may also cast off any shackles they may feel? And muslims, buddhists, wiccans, pastafarians for that matter … ---
**Author:** ![Malthus](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/85f322/32.png) [@Malthus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Malthus)\ **Post date:** [January 29, 2016, 5:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/atheist-your-favourite-ridiculous-bible-quotes/744077/90 "2016-01-29T17:03:40Z")
Less witnessing, more Bible crazy, please. 😛 ---
**Author:** ![Bill\_Door](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/50afbb/32.png) [@Bill\_Door](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bill_Door)\ **Post date:** [January 29, 2016, 5:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/atheist-your-favourite-ridiculous-bible-quotes/744077/91 "2016-01-29T17:26:37Z")
> [@Anarcho\_Liberalist](#): > > uhm … that’s the whole point of that story: when the people are about to stone her for adultery, Jesus speaks his famous words ‘he who is without sin cast the first stone’ It’s a better story the way I tell it. After Jesus says that, an old woman picks up a half pound rock and brains the adulterous woman with it. Jesus turns to the old woman and says ‘Mom, I was trying to make a point here.’ ---
**Author:** ![Knorf](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/58956e/32.png) [@Knorf](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Knorf)\ **Post date:** [January 29, 2016, 6:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/atheist-your-favourite-ridiculous-bible-quotes/744077/92 "2016-01-29T18:29:44Z")
> [@Numbers 5:11-21](#): > > 11 Then the Lord said to Moses, 12 “Speak to the Israelites and say to them: ‘If a man’s wife goes astray and is unfaithful to him 13 so that another man has sexual relations with her, and this is hidden from her husband and her impurity is undetected (since there is no witness against her and she has not been caught in the act), 14 and if feelings of jealousy come over her husband and he suspects his wife and she is impure—or if he is jealous and suspects her even though she is not impure— 15 then he is to take his wife to the priest. He must also take an offering of a tenth of an _ephah_ of barley flour on her behalf. He must not pour olive oil on it or put incense on it, because it is a grain offering for jealousy, a reminder-offering to draw attention to wrongdoing. > > 16 ‘The priest shall bring her and have her stand before the Lord. 17 Then he shall take some holy water in a clay jar and put some dust from the tabernacle floor into the water. 18 After the priest has had the woman stand before the Lord, he shall loosen her hair and place in her hands the reminder-offering, the grain offering for jealousy, while he himself holds the bitter water that brings a curse. 19 Then the priest shall put the woman under oath and say to her, ‘If no other man has had sexual relations with you and you have not gone astray and become impure while married to your husband, may this bitter water that brings a curse not harm you. 20 But if you have gone astray while married to your husband and you have made yourself impure by having sexual relations with a man other than your husband’— 21 here the priest is to put the woman under this curse—‘may the Lord cause you to become a curse among your people when he makes your womb miscarry and your abdomen swell.’" In other words, aborting a baby is fine if it’s punishment for a wife’s suspected but unproven infidelity. Although, my favorite verse in the Bible advocating baby-killing is Psalms 137:8-9: “8 Daughter Babylon, doomed to destruction, happy is the one who repays you according to what you have done to us. 9 Happy is the one who seizes your infants and dashes them against the rocks.” So much for the inherent purity and innocence of babies, eh, God? ---
**Author:** ![Knorf](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/58956e/32.png) [@Knorf](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Knorf)\ **Post date:** [January 29, 2016, 6:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/atheist-your-favourite-ridiculous-bible-quotes/744077/93 "2016-01-29T18:36:36Z")
> [@Anarcho\_Liberalist](#): > > I hope you mean christiaans may also cast off any shackles they may feel? And muslims, buddhists, wiccans, pastafarians for that matter … Of course I mean only Christians have shackles to be cast off! Sheesh! OBVIOUSLY every other religion has got it right. Just not Christians. (Here’s a fun challenge: find me one “pastafarian” who in fact takes the tenets of that “faith” 100% seriously.) ---
**Author:** ![Malthus](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/85f322/32.png) [@Malthus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Malthus)\ **Post date:** [January 29, 2016, 7:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/atheist-your-favourite-ridiculous-bible-quotes/744077/94 "2016-01-29T19:05:00Z")
> [@Knorf](#): > > Numbers 5:11-21 > > In other words, aborting a baby is fine if it’s punishment for a wife’s suspected but unproven infidelity. Actually … that’s a pretty interesting mechanism for totally disarming patriarchal violence. Note how the ritual actually works: man accuses woman of infidelity but has no proof. Rather than beating her up or killing her (sadly, common enough outcomes in our own day, let alone the Iron Age), the Bible states ‘take her to a priest who will give her some dust from the tabernacle floor mixed with water. If she’s actually guilty, she will swell up and miscarry, because of the curse’ (presumably, on the spot). Note that harm actually befalls the woman _only if you happened to believe the mumbo-jumbo is literally true_. Given that magic curses don’t, in fact, actually work (at least I assume you would agree with me that they don’t), a woman would _actually_ be harmed in 0% of cases. The fact that she’s not harmed by the magic curse them becomes “proof” of her innocence, and she escapes without being hurt. ---
**Author:** ![simster](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/simster/32/1047_2.png) [@simster](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/simster)\ **Post date:** [January 29, 2016, 7:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/atheist-your-favourite-ridiculous-bible-quotes/744077/95 "2016-01-29T19:30:41Z")
> [@Malthus](#): > > Actually … that’s a pretty interesting mechanism for totally disarming patriarchal violence. > > Note how the ritual actually works: man accuses woman of infidelity but has no proof. Rather than beating her up or killing her (sadly, common enough outcomes in our own day, let alone the Iron Age), the Bible states ‘take her to a priest who will give her some dust from the tabernacle floor mixed with water. If she’s actually guilty, she will swell up and miscarry, because of the curse’ (presumably, on the spot). > > Note that harm actually befalls the woman _only if you happened to believe the mumbo-jumbo is literally true_. Given that magic curses don’t, in fact, actually work (at least I assume you would agree with me that they don’t), a woman would _actually_ be harmed in 0% of cases. The fact that she’s not harmed by the magic curse them becomes “proof” of her innocence, and she escapes without being hurt. I’m imagining something like [this](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k3jt5ibfRzw) ---
**Author:** ![Rick\_Kitchen](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/rick_kitchen/32/522_2.png) [@Rick\_Kitchen](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rick_Kitchen)\ **Post date:** [January 29, 2016, 8:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/atheist-your-favourite-ridiculous-bible-quotes/744077/96 "2016-01-29T20:05:27Z")
> [@Malthus](#): > > Actually … that’s a pretty interesting mechanism for totally disarming patriarchal violence. > > Note how the ritual actually works: man accuses woman of infidelity but has no proof. Rather than beating her up or killing her (sadly, common enough outcomes in our own day, let alone the Iron Age), the Bible states ‘take her to a priest who will give her some dust from the tabernacle floor mixed with water. If she’s actually guilty, she will swell up and miscarry, because of the curse’ (presumably, on the spot). > > Note that harm actually befalls the woman _only if you happened to believe the mumbo-jumbo is literally true_. Given that magic curses don’t, in fact, actually work (at least I assume you would agree with me that they don’t), a woman would _actually_ be harmed in 0% of cases. The fact that she’s not harmed by the magic curse them becomes “proof” of her innocence, and she escapes without being hurt. Well, if the woman believes in the curse as much as the husband and the priest do, she might have a psychosomatic miscarriage. ---
**Author:** ![Malthus](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/85f322/32.png) [@Malthus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Malthus)\ **Post date:** [January 29, 2016, 8:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/atheist-your-favourite-ridiculous-bible-quotes/744077/97 "2016-01-29T20:35:14Z")
> [@Rick\_Kitchen](#): > > Well, if the woman believes in the curse as much as the husband and the priest do, she might have a psychosomatic miscarriage. I have no idea if that is medically possible … assuming she believes she is in fact guilty of adultery (if she didn’t think she was guilty, the curse was supposed to lack effect). I would assume actual cases where that would happen would be pretty rare, though. I know it is sometimes written that witch-doctors could frighten people into actually dying with “curses”, but I always suspected that in such cases some trickery with physical poisons was involved, rather that psychosomatic effect … witch doctors would lose a lot of prestige if the people they “cursed” came to no harm. ---
**Author:** ![Jayhawker\_Soule](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/57b2e6/32.png) [@Jayhawker\_Soule](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Jayhawker_Soule)\ **Post date:** [January 29, 2016, 9:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/atheist-your-favourite-ridiculous-bible-quotes/744077/98 "2016-01-29T21:13:08Z")
I find bible-bashing more than a little adolescent. ---
**Author:** ![Czarcasm](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/czarcasm/32/4050_2.png) [@Czarcasm](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Czarcasm)\ **Post date:** [January 29, 2016, 9:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/atheist-your-favourite-ridiculous-bible-quotes/744077/99 "2016-01-29T21:24:08Z")
> [@Jayhawker\_Soule](#): > > I find bible-bashing more than a little adolescent. And I find the Bible a silly book to believe in, in this day and age…and yet people that believe in this book and claim that it is the _T_R_U_T\*H\*\* are trying to use their myriad interpretations of it’s oft-contradictory stories to pass laws that affect others that don’t play their reindeer games. Of these two problems, I know which one bothers _me_ more. ---
**Author:** ![TonySinclair](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/49beb7/32.png) [@TonySinclair](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TonySinclair)\ **Post date:** [January 29, 2016, 11:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/atheist-your-favourite-ridiculous-bible-quotes/744077/100 "2016-01-29T23:51:40Z")
> [@Jayhawker\_Soule](#): > > I find bible-bashing more than a little adolescent. Great, so now I’m doomed to the eternal tortures of hell AND your displeasure. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/atheist-your-favourite-ridiculous-bible-quotes/744077.md?page=4) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/atheist-your-favourite-ridiculous-bible-quotes/744077.md?page=6)