# Attachment Parenting - So where's the argument? **URL:** \ **Category:** Great Debates\ **Created:** [November 23, 2003, 4:34am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/attachment-parenting-so-wheres-the-argument/214799 "2003-11-23T04:34:24Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![fessie](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/c37758/32.png) [@fessie](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/fessie)\ **Post date:** [November 23, 2003, 4:34am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/attachment-parenting-so-wheres-the-argument/214799/1 "2003-11-23T04:34:24Z")
My twins are due in about 9 weeks & we haven’t been parents before, so I’m trying to educate myself on child-raising theories (even as I realize that much of my “knowledge” will go flying out the window once the kids are here). So apparently “attachment parenting” is considered somewhat controversial? As I understand it, the idea is that infants thrive best when they receive as much physical contact and attention as possible, and that ways of achieving this include breastfeeding, responding promptly to the baby’s cries, co-sleeping in the family bed, and carrying the baby against one’s body in a sling rather than letting it sit in a bouncer or car seat. So how is this controversial? I can see where women who can’t breastfeed or must spend time away from their babies because they’re working might feel defensive about their choices - but clearly no one follows a theory perfectly, it always has to be adapted. Am I missing something, or am I just too ignorant about the realities of childcare to appreciate the distinctions being made? ---
**Author:** ![SnoopyFan](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/d07c76/32.png) [@SnoopyFan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SnoopyFan)\ **Post date:** [November 23, 2003, 8:56am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/attachment-parenting-so-wheres-the-argument/214799/2 "2003-11-23T08:56:50Z")
I don’t have a problem with any of that. But I’ll tellya up front, and I learned the hard way, that if you come running immediately EVERY time the kid cries, you are setting yourself up for problems. I’m now trying to break my 3 year old from repeating stuff over and over because she thinks she doesn’t have my attention if I don’t respond to her the second she says something. My fault, though, I always responded quickly when she was an infant. Other than that, though, I think it’s cool. I thought cosleepers were nuts till I had a child myself. The sling thingy is nice, too, when you’re trying to get stuff done around the house. Plus they are that little for such a short period of time, hold them as much as you can while you can! There will come a day when they will be running around tearing up the house and they won’t let you cuddle them 🙂 Rub the kid’s head as much as possible. The nurses in the hospital (and also the pediatrician) told me that it stimulates brain cell growth. ---
**Author:** ![DreadCthulhu](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/db5fbb/32.png) [@DreadCthulhu](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DreadCthulhu)\ **Post date:** [November 23, 2003, 9:24am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/attachment-parenting-so-wheres-the-argument/214799/3 "2003-11-23T09:24:36Z")
Well, about carrying the baby in a sling, as a opposed to a car seat seems awfully dangerous to me. Also, it seems to me that children who get way too much attention when they are young turn out to be spoiled brats. I give the the example of my second cousin, who recieved lots of attention and fussing over thoughout his life(he is now five) - with good reason, as he sadly was born with legs that don’t work correctly, even after a couple of surgeries he needs a walker to get around. ---
**Author:** ![TeaElle](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/8491ac/32.png) [@TeaElle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TeaElle)\ **Post date:** [November 23, 2003, 10:46am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/attachment-parenting-so-wheres-the-argument/214799/4 "2003-11-23T10:46:40Z")
There is nothing dangerous about wearing a baby in a sling. Geez. Have you ever tried it? Do you know _anything_ about it? :rolleyes: Fighting ignorance here, people. **Fighting**. Being attentive to a child and fulfilling his needs does not make the child spoiled. There is a huge difference between being an attentive, responsive parent and being an overindulgent parent who cannot set proper boundaries and limits. A child who is constantly battling to get your attention is likely to be doing so because they _need attention_! With babies, howevr, it is a particularly frightening line of thinking that says that their cries should be ignored, that they should be left on their own when they have no capacity to understand the world around them or do anything _except_ respond to the ministrations of their caretakers. In short, **Fessie** , the entirety of the controversy about AP is based on yes, defensiveness from people whose circumstances fly in the face of AP principles or from such misguided concepts as the possibility of “spoiling” infant children by giving them proper care. It’s a bunch of hooey. ---
**Author:** ![mrsam](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/b5ac83/32.png) [@mrsam](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/mrsam)\ **Post date:** [November 23, 2003, 2:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/attachment-parenting-so-wheres-the-argument/214799/5 "2003-11-23T14:00:41Z")
Well, if you ask me, attachment theory is almost completely bunk. Sure, babies do need contact at an early age, but the mother-baby relationship acts as nothing but a template for other one-on-one relations. The important thing is that somewhere along the line, the baby gets a significant amount of interaction one-on-one with an adult. I consider “attachment parenting” controversial in the same sense I would consider a style of parenting designed to nurse your child through their oedipal complex controversial; it’s a waste of your time and it promotes certain bigoted views. Interaction with your child is important and this style of parenting would most likely have a positive outcome, but not for the reasons attachment theorists suggest. Also, attachment theory suggests certain people are causing their children developmental problems through perfectly acceptable parenting techniques. ---
**Author:** ![doreen](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/858c86/32.png) [@doreen](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/doreen)\ **Post date:** [November 23, 2003, 2:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/attachment-parenting-so-wheres-the-argument/214799/6 "2003-11-23T14:01:13Z")
> [@](#): > > There is nothing dangerous about wearing a baby in a sling. Geez. Have you ever tried it? Do you know anything about it? Carrying the baby in a sling instead of a car seat _while riding in the car_ certainly is dangerous. No need to jump on Geez for misunderstanding a line in the OP that could have been clearer. ---
**Author:** ![Jonathan\_Chance](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/jonathan_chance/32/701_2.png) [@Jonathan\_Chance](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Jonathan_Chance)\ **Post date:** [November 23, 2003, 2:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/attachment-parenting-so-wheres-the-argument/214799/7 "2003-11-23T14:07:48Z")
Gotta admit I misunderstood that, too and thought it was insanity in its purest form. We used both sling and carrier depending on the situation. Both worked. And the kid seems to be in pretty good shape. Just speaking from a personal approach I’ve always liked having the small baby around a LOT. It builds bonds and reinforces the parental role early on. ---
**Author:** ![KidCharlemagne](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/ed8c4c/32.png) [@KidCharlemagne](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/KidCharlemagne)\ **Post date:** [November 23, 2003, 3:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/attachment-parenting-so-wheres-the-argument/214799/8 "2003-11-23T15:59:00Z")
For the first four months at least you can respond to every single little thing a baby wants without fear of spoiling him/her. ---
**Author:** ![KellyM](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/57b2e6/32.png) [@KellyM](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/KellyM)\ **Post date:** [November 23, 2003, 4:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/attachment-parenting-so-wheres-the-argument/214799/9 "2003-11-23T16:08:43Z")
I personally believe that our daughter has benefitted substantially from continuous, close exposure to another adult. She’s just short of seven months old and is already speaking in three-word sentences, which I attribute in part to the fact that she is talked to much more than many babies I have known. She is also the happiest and most alert child I have ever known at her age. She tolerates being left alone to play now, for up to 15 minutes at a time. I think this is in part because she knows that if she does cry out someone will tend to her promptly. We have been setting limits with her for some time now (mainly related to the line between sucking on someone’s finger and biting it), which she is starting to respect. Loren coslept for several weeks. We think the main advantage of that is it kept her warmer so she slept better. She still doesn’t like being cold at night. I’m not familiar personally with the term “attachment parenting” but if it means spending a lot of time with your newborn child, I think that’s a great idea. ---
**Author:** ![SnoopyFan](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/d07c76/32.png) [@SnoopyFan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SnoopyFan)\ **Post date:** [November 23, 2003, 5:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/attachment-parenting-so-wheres-the-argument/214799/10 "2003-11-23T17:04:37Z")
I think the idea of the sling is to provide close physical contact. Nobody in their right mind would drive with the kid in a sling. Newborn babies get really antsy if they are “loose” — they’re used to being in a tight compartment so if you, say, unwrap a newborn, their arms and legs will kinda flail and they’ll cry until you wrap them up again. A sling works well to make the baby feel confined a bit. And I’d much rather see a baby in a sling all the time than one who is almost never picked up. I’ve read stories of babies who were laid down so much that the back of their little heads flattened and they had to put some kind of steel belt thing on it to make it round again! ---
**Author:** ![tomndebb](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/b9e5f3/32.png) [@tomndebb](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tomndebb)\ **Post date:** [November 23, 2003, 5:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/attachment-parenting-so-wheres-the-argument/214799/11 "2003-11-23T17:33:55Z")
I have not heard on AP, so I’ll leave that alone. I also suspect that humans are sufficiently different that what will “spoil” one child will “nurture” another child. In terms of responding, however, the one thing I would warn against would be anticpating the child’s needs or deliberately delaying responses for extended periods. There is a cycle that children learn in which they feel a need (hunger, soiled diapers, cold, hot, “need a hug”), they cry out in frustration, they are comforted. This develops the idea in their minds that they need to “ask” for help. A child who is neglected, of course, never develops that awareness of the cycle and will not understand that he or she _can_ ask (or believe that anyone will respond). On the other hand, a child whose every need is _anticipated_ also never learns the cycle and will never learn to ask and will suffer a number of issues because he or she does not understand that they _need_ to ask. How quickly or slowly one responds to a child is part of the typical give and take between parents and child and the parents’ learning curve. My concern is only that if AP is presented poorly or followed poorly, there might be a tendency to anticipate a child’s needs too much. ---
**Author:** ![fessie](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/c37758/32.png) [@fessie](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/fessie)\ **Post date:** [November 23, 2003, 5:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/attachment-parenting-so-wheres-the-argument/214799/12 "2003-11-23T17:35:08Z")
My OP should have been more clear - when I mentioned using a sling I wasn’t referring to how the child is transported in a car, but to how it is handled in the house or while walking. And the slings seem to be designed for discreet breastfeeding, an added bonus. I had a friend who would plop her infant in front of CNN for long stretches as he sat in his newborn bucket carrier. It didn’t occur to me at the time what poor choices she was making - although I did always turn the TV off when I was watching the kid just because that seemed weird. ---
**Author:** ![Amberlei](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/e56c9b/32.png) [@Amberlei](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Amberlei)\ **Post date:** [November 23, 2003, 7:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/attachment-parenting-so-wheres-the-argument/214799/13 "2003-11-23T19:22:56Z")
I’d always heard that it was not a good idea to place a sleeping infant in bed with you. There are quite a few documented cases of the infant being asphyxiated. [http://www.onlineathens.com/stories/080603/new\_20030806071.shtml](http://www.onlineathens.com/stories/080603/new_20030806071.shtml) > [@](#): > > Athens-Clarke police do not believe Echols’ death resulted from foul play, but rather that it happened as a result of the infant being rolled onto by a sleeping 10-year-old boy with whom he was sharing a bed. [http://www.wndu.com/news/contact16/contact16\_2442.php](http://www.wndu.com/news/contact16/contact16_2442.php) > [@](#): > > "Some babies have rolled over and gotten trapped between mattresses and wall or soft covers [http://quickstart.clari.net/qs\_se/webnews/wed/cj/Ubritain-breastfed.RAKo\_DOE.html](http://quickstart.clari.net/qs_se/webnews/wed/cj/Ubritain-breastfed.RAKo_DOE.html) > [@](#): > > When she awoke, she checked Conor, and could get no response from the boy, who was pronounced dead later that day, Feb. 1, 2002. [http://www.chronicle-online.com/new997/dodge/babiesatrisk.html](http://www.chronicle-online.com/new997/dodge/babiesatrisk.html) > [@](#): > > According to an article published in a recent issue of the Archives of Pediatric and Adolescent Medicine, babies are at increased risk of accidental death if they are taken to bed with their parents. This study reviewed national data from 1990 through 1997 on the deaths of children under age 2 when they were put to sleep on adult beds. A total of 515 such deaths were recorded over that 8 year timespan. All other methods of bonding you’ve mentioned seem quite the norm. I used a sling when my son was young, and really enjoyed both the convenience and the closeness. I don’t see how anyone could take umbrage with any of the bonding methods other than the issue of co-sleeping. ---
**Author:** ![fessie](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/c37758/32.png) [@fessie](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/fessie)\ **Post date:** [November 23, 2003, 7:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/attachment-parenting-so-wheres-the-argument/214799/14 "2003-11-23T19:36:47Z")
That’s interesting - all of these responses have been quite helpful, in fact. I imagine **tomndeb** is right on the money about moderation - my sister, who’s a psychologist, talks about the concept of “good enough” parenting, meaning that it’s unhealthy to try to be SuperMom 24/7. The thing about co-sleeping that surprised me is the argument that SIDS might be reduced by sharing the parents’ bed. Granted that one has to be very, very careful and take a number of precautions. I haven’t been able to find reliable numbers on SIDS incidents taking place in co-sleeping environments, but apparently the overall number of SIDS deaths is pretty large, something like 1/1000, or 40,000+ in an 8-year timespan. I always thought it was a goofy Love Child-type thing to do (probably John and Yoko would stop by & hop in, too), but I’m reconsidering that view. ---
**Author:** ![Homebrew](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/c89c15/32.png) [@Homebrew](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Homebrew)\ **Post date:** [November 23, 2003, 7:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/attachment-parenting-so-wheres-the-argument/214799/15 "2003-11-23T19:50:47Z")
But, **Amberlei** , it wouldn’t take long to find as many references to SIDS that happened in a crib. ---
**Author:** ![SnoopyFan](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/d07c76/32.png) [@SnoopyFan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SnoopyFan)\ **Post date:** [November 23, 2003, 7:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/attachment-parenting-so-wheres-the-argument/214799/16 "2003-11-23T19:59:49Z")
I only have one baby so maybe mothers with 2 or more can confirm/deny, but with your first baby, your ability to sleep like the dead goes kaput. EVERY single noise the baby makes wakes you up and even movements can sometimes do it. We hear about every time co-sleeping goes wrong, but you don’t hear about the millions of people who do it and never have any trouble. ---
**Author:** ![Amberlei](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/e56c9b/32.png) [@Amberlei](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Amberlei)\ **Post date:** [November 23, 2003, 8:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/attachment-parenting-so-wheres-the-argument/214799/17 "2003-11-23T20:04:43Z")
Oh, I’m sure it wouldn’t, Homebrew. But the cases listed above aren’t SIDS, which by definition is “the sudden death of an infant under one year of age which remains unexplained after a thorough case investigation, including performance of a complete autopsy, examination of the death scene, and review of the clinical history.” (Willinger et al, 1991). The cases I cited were instances in which the infant suffocated and the cause is known to have resulted from the child co-sleeping. ---
**Author:** ![tomndebb](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/b9e5f3/32.png) [@tomndebb](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tomndebb)\ **Post date:** [November 23, 2003, 9:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/attachment-parenting-so-wheres-the-argument/214799/18 "2003-11-23T21:26:06Z")
I have no idea what the current medical thoughts are regarding shared bed and SIDS, but I offer the anecdote that the one family I know who suffered a SIDS death had the child sleeping with the parents at the time. ---
**Author:** ![tomndebb](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/b9e5f3/32.png) [@tomndebb](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tomndebb)\ **Post date:** [November 23, 2003, 9:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/attachment-parenting-so-wheres-the-argument/214799/19 "2003-11-23T21:32:00Z")
I have no idea what the current medical thoughts are regarding shared bed and SIDS, but I offer the anecdote that the one family I know who suffered a SIDS death had the child sleeping with the parents at the time. ---
**Author:** ![TeaElle](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/8491ac/32.png) [@TeaElle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TeaElle)\ **Post date:** [November 23, 2003, 9:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/attachment-parenting-so-wheres-the-argument/214799/20 "2003-11-23T21:42:21Z")
And the one family I know who suffered a SIDS death had the child sleeping in a crib in a room by itself at the time. Anecdotal evidence on the topic is rather insipid. [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/attachment-parenting-so-wheres-the-argument/214799.md?page=2)