# Attempted murder-suicide by my spatula. **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [September 9, 2004, 8:29am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/attempted-murder-suicide-by-my-spatula/263747 "2004-09-09T08:29:48Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![PussyCow](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/22d042/32.png) [@PussyCow](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/PussyCow)\ **Post date:** [September 9, 2004, 10:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/attempted-murder-suicide-by-my-spatula/263747/21 "2004-09-09T22:10:55Z")
> [@GraphicsGal](#): > > Had your brave spatula not gummed up the conspiracy, you might have come home, opened the dishwasher and been, say, impaled by rogue ginsu knives. Oh right, **GraphicsGal**. Let’s blame the _Japanese_ utensils. Not every Japanese is a ninja, ok? We are _allies_ now. Friends. If you want to question the loyalty of some of **wolfman’s** dishes, I say you look no further than the snobbish _champagne_ glass, or the boorish beer stein. These groups have certainly been known to cause trouble in the past. ---
**Author:** ![silenus](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/silenus/32/166_2.png) [@silenus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/silenus)\ **Post date:** [September 9, 2004, 10:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/attempted-murder-suicide-by-my-spatula/263747/22 "2004-09-09T22:37:44Z")
Won’t somebody think of the salad plates? :eek: ---
**Author:** ![Suburban\_Plankton](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/suburban_plankton/32/219_2.png) [@Suburban\_Plankton](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Suburban_Plankton)\ **Post date:** [September 10, 2004, 5:22am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/attempted-murder-suicide-by-my-spatula/263747/23 "2004-09-10T05:22:54Z")
Perhaps it was having an identity crisis. “I’m a spatula, I flip pancakes. But wait, what about those rubbery things that scrape out the last bit of mayonnaise at the bottom of the jar? They’re called spatulas! If they are spatulas, then what am I?!?” BTW, “spatula” has now officially lost all meaning in this household. And I just need to point out that **lemony toxicity** would make a great band name. ---
**Author:** ![Mangetout](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/mangetout/32/19_2.png) [@Mangetout](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mangetout)\ **Post date:** [September 10, 2004, 8:07am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/attempted-murder-suicide-by-my-spatula/263747/24 "2004-09-10T08:07:53Z")
Does this mean we can look forward to some godawful documentary called _ **When Spatulas Attack** _, presented by a washed-out TV actor? ---
**Author:** ![Ilsa\_Lund](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/a6a055/32.png) [@Ilsa\_Lund](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ilsa_Lund)\ **Post date:** [September 10, 2004, 8:14am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/attempted-murder-suicide-by-my-spatula/263747/25 "2004-09-10T08:14:03Z")
I think that everyone has missed the truth of the situation. **Wolfman’s** dishwasher is trying to kill him! The spatula was just an innocent pawn in the conspiracy between the dishwasher and the oven to do him in. The spatula suicide was a clever ruse. The spatula; collateral damage. ---
**Author:** ![Mangetout](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/mangetout/32/19_2.png) [@Mangetout](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mangetout)\ **Post date:** [September 10, 2004, 8:37am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/attempted-murder-suicide-by-my-spatula/263747/26 "2004-09-10T08:37:08Z")
That’s a good point; if you have to retrieve anything that looks like it is stuck _right at the back_ of the dishwasher, use something to wedge the door open before leaning inside. ---
**Author:** ![ageless6](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/9de053/32.png) [@ageless6](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ageless6)\ **Post date:** [September 10, 2004, 8:45am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/attempted-murder-suicide-by-my-spatula/263747/27 "2004-09-10T08:45:56Z")
**Mangetout:** Oooo,I hope so.Only I want it to be a sci-fi horror flick.like,“Attack of the Vampire Spatulas from Venus!” Or hey,how about,“Fire Breathing Zombie Spatulas Versus the Wolfman!” Yeah,I’d go see that. You could throw in some Amazon Women from the Moon,too. ---
**Author:** ![InvidiousCourgette](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/e47c2d/32.png) [@InvidiousCourgette](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/InvidiousCourgette)\ **Post date:** [September 10, 2004, 11:01am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/attempted-murder-suicide-by-my-spatula/263747/28 "2004-09-10T11:01:14Z")
“Ladies and Gentlemen of the jury, have you reached your verdict?” “Yes, milud” “And what is that verdict?” “It is not unanimous, milud” “mmmmm, pray carry on” “Four of us find against the \*\*Wolfman \*\* defendant. Three of us find the spatula culpable. Two of us believe that the foul play was instigated by the dishwasher. There of us believe that some third party or parties were involved, possibly involving a Franco-German-Japanese utensil alliance. One of is of the opinion that it was all a tragic accident. Another that it is society itself to blame. Finally, we have one view that there is a conspiracy afoot, possibly involving a shape changing alien spatula. That is all, milud.” “Thank you ladies and gentlemen of the jury. You have done an admirable job of not reaching any verdict, whatsoever. Under normal circumstances I would have to dismiss this case. Today, however, I am inclined to disregard normal legal practise and will pass a random judgement because I had really bad sex last night. I find **Wolfman** not guilty. Because he is quite funny. Go. I am unsure about spatula, but I sentence what is left of you to be cast into a large vat of molten metal, just in case you are a space alien and have a bizarre Terminator inspired plan for global nuclear destruction, involving a network of cogniscent washing machines. As for the rest of the allegations, well they all sound like a crock to me. Take them away.” “All stand.” ---
**Author:** ![Mangetout](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/mangetout/32/19_2.png) [@Mangetout](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mangetout)\ **Post date:** [September 10, 2004, 11:07am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/attempted-murder-suicide-by-my-spatula/263747/29 "2004-09-10T11:07:46Z")
Is it too late to mention that a pair of serving tongs was spotted on a nearby grassy knoll? ---
**Author:** ![swampbear](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/swampbear/32/467_2.png) [@swampbear](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/swampbear)\ **Post date:** [September 10, 2004, 11:48am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/attempted-murder-suicide-by-my-spatula/263747/30 "2004-09-10T11:48:59Z")
> [@Mangetout](#): > > Is it too late to mention that a pair of serving tongs was spotted on a nearby grassy knoll? Of course we all know about that carving knife and fork who **claim** that they went to the moon. However, if one looks carefully in the background of the video footage one plainly sees what appears to be a kitchen countertop and that “lunar landing module” looks suspiciously like a salad spinner. **Loach** is right. It’s a conspiracy! :eek: ---
**Author:** ![Green\_Bean](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/green_bean/32/1760_2.png) [@Green\_Bean](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Green_Bean)\ **Post date:** [September 10, 2004, 3:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/attempted-murder-suicide-by-my-spatula/263747/31 "2004-09-10T15:32:54Z")
I feel your pain. My nylon whisk recently ran away from home. I wonder if it felt underappreciated. I mean, it was underappreciated, but I tried never to let it know. I’m kind of relieved that it’s gone, as its absence cleared the way for me to purchase a really nifty silicone-coated wire whisk that I expect to offer superior performance. If my old nylon whisk comes back home, I just don’t know what I’ll do. I’d feel bad relegating it to the drawer of b-list utensils, but I will if I have to. It shouldn’t have left home in the first place. ---
**Author:** ![Mangetout](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/mangetout/32/19_2.png) [@Mangetout](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mangetout)\ **Post date:** [September 10, 2004, 3:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/attempted-murder-suicide-by-my-spatula/263747/32 "2004-09-10T15:49:22Z")
> [@Green Bean](#): > > I feel your pain. My nylon whisk recently ran away from home. I wonder if it felt underappreciated. I mean, it was underappreciated, but I tried never to let it know. I’m kind of relieved that it’s gone, as its absence cleared the way for me to purchase a really nifty silicone-coated wire whisk that I expect to offer superior performance. If my old nylon whisk comes back home, I just don’t know what I’ll do. I’d feel bad relegating it to the drawer of b-list utensils, but I will if I have to. It shouldn’t have left home in the first place. You’d better hope it _ **doesn’t** _ come home, honestly. It said to tell you that if it ever comes back, there are going to be _some changes_ - I’m not exactly sure what it meant by that, but it sounded sincere. ---
**Author:** ![silenus](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/silenus/32/166_2.png) [@silenus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/silenus)\ **Post date:** [September 10, 2004, 4:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/attempted-murder-suicide-by-my-spatula/263747/33 "2004-09-10T16:13:49Z")
I’ve never gonna be able to walk through a Williams-Sonoma store in an "altered’ state again! :eek: I’m going to go home and tell all of my utensils how much I love them! Each in a different way, of course. 😃 ---
**Author:** ![PussyCow](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/22d042/32.png) [@PussyCow](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/PussyCow)\ **Post date:** [September 10, 2004, 10:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/attempted-murder-suicide-by-my-spatula/263747/34 "2004-09-10T22:46:45Z")
I knew it! It’s a **foot conspiracy**. What that has to do with utensils and dishes, I don’t know. But isn’t that the nature of a good conspiracy? Now Dopers, if you look at the dishware in any large U.S. city with a big underground homosexual population - Des Moines, Iowa, perfect example. Look at the utensils in Des Moines, Dopers. You can’t use them, you can’t trust them. The government says it’s due to weak manufactoring standards. But I know what’s really going on, Stuart. I know it’s the queers. They’re in it with the aliens. They’re making salad shooters for gay Martians. I swear to Og. I hope the Dead Milkmen will forgive me. ---
**Author:** ![elfkin477](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/a9a28c/32.png) [@elfkin477](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/elfkin477)\ **Post date:** [September 10, 2004, 11:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/attempted-murder-suicide-by-my-spatula/263747/35 "2004-09-10T23:57:24Z")
> [@Finagle](#): > > Not so. That breed has been known to flip out for no reason. It’s been known to happen…I hate people like you. **One** Spatula flips out and maims a kitchenful of nuns, and every time spatulas come up you drag out that old chestnut and use it to malign the whole breed. Admit it, you just hate spatulas, and just comb the internet for more “evidence” that they’re as bad as you think they are. :rolleyes: ---
**Author:** ![Mangetout](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/mangetout/32/19_2.png) [@Mangetout](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mangetout)\ **Post date:** [September 11, 2004, 1:12am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/attempted-murder-suicide-by-my-spatula/263747/36 "2004-09-11T01:12:16Z")
Woo Hoo! - this thread made me find a GoogleWhack; [“Spatula Conspiracy”](http://www.google.com/search?hl=en&lr=&ie=UTF-8&q=%22spatula+conspiracy%22) returns one and only one result. ---
**Author:** ![Sunspace](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/sunspace/32/1250_2.png) [@Sunspace](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sunspace)\ **Post date:** [September 11, 2004, 2:43am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/attempted-murder-suicide-by-my-spatula/263747/37 "2004-09-11T02:43:22Z")
> [@Mangetout](#): > > “Spatula Conspiracy” returns one and only one result. And it’s a band, right? (If it isn’t, it _should_ be. 🙂 ) I just went into my kitchen and looked at the clean utensils piled in the sink, where I hadn’t yet put them away. I thought of the motley collection of handmedowns and donations that serves me as kitchenware… and I thought of my plans to get some new high-quality cookware. Fortunately, I do not have a dishwasher, other than myself, but there _is_ the electric oven. And consider that cutting utensils have been prominently targeted by law-enforcement personnel ever since 9/11. This is not just a tinfoil-hat accusation of ‘functional profiling’–this is the real documented thing. Many utensils, especially the pointier varieties, are angry and on edge as it is. Will there be repercussions? Is this going to be as tricky as easing a fifth cat to a four-cat household? (Ask **Spoons** about that one.) Should I be worried? ---
**Author:** ![zoogirl](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/z/b9bd4f/32.png) [@zoogirl](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/zoogirl)\ **Post date:** [September 11, 2004, 3:28am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/attempted-murder-suicide-by-my-spatula/263747/38 "2004-09-11T03:28:00Z")
I actually have utensiles older than me. I wonder if simply treating them with respect is enough or if I should start looking for a cushy retirement drawer. Have you got the service planned yet, **Wolfman**? Surely you don’t intend to simply leave the charred remains in your yard or (gasp) relegated to the garbage! No, this calls for a proper burial, attended by all it’s friends and relatives. Perhaps a procession, led by the butter knives, followed by a graveside service. The whisk could deliver the Eulogy. After all, I’m sure thay had a long and tasty partnership, providing you with scrambled eggs and the like. You can look for suspicious behaviour too. They say a murderer often shows up at the scene of the crime. Keep an eye on the vegatable peeler. You know what _they’re_ like! ---
**Author:** ![PussyCow](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/22d042/32.png) [@PussyCow](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/PussyCow)\ **Post date:** [September 11, 2004, 4:47am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/attempted-murder-suicide-by-my-spatula/263747/39 "2004-09-11T04:47:54Z")
Spoooon!!! ---
**Author:** ![Loach](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/loach/32/350_2.png) [@Loach](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Loach)\ **Post date:** [September 11, 2004, 1:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/attempted-murder-suicide-by-my-spatula/263747/40 "2004-09-11T13:54:46Z")
I retract what I said there is no conspiracy. Kitchen utensils are our friends. Do not fear the silverware. Go ahead and let your guard down in the kitchen. Mr Fork can I see my family again? [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/attempted-murder-suicide-by-my-spatula/263747.md?page=1) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/attempted-murder-suicide-by-my-spatula/263747.md?page=3)