# Attempted murder-suicide by my spatula. **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [September 9, 2004, 8:29am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/attempted-murder-suicide-by-my-spatula/263747 "2004-09-09T08:29:48Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 3
**Author:** ![The\_Great\_Zamboni](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/4bbf92/32.png) [@The\_Great\_Zamboni](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/The_Great_Zamboni)\ **Post date:** [September 11, 2004, 5:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/attempted-murder-suicide-by-my-spatula/263747/41 "2004-09-11T17:25:26Z")
**Wolfman,** clearly you took your spatula for granted. You used it for the same purpose over and over, and you mentioned that you put it in the _same spot_ in the dishwasher every time. The spatula was tired of its repetitive, boring existence, and decided that life was not worth lack of attention it was receiving. Despite your eloquent account of how upset you are, I believe that you are covering up your own irresponsibility and neglect, now that you recognize that is what caused this tragedy. Hopefully, this caused you to have an epiphany and you begin to treat your other kitchenwares better. Remember that the lemony toxicity is the only remnant of the spatula, except for its corpse that may still be laying on the lawn. I certainly hope you have enought respect to give it a proper sendoff. Perhaps you should have Taps played as you give it to the local Goodwill. ---
**Author:** ![friggae](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/45deac/32.png) [@friggae](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/friggae)\ **Post date:** [September 11, 2004, 6:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/attempted-murder-suicide-by-my-spatula/263747/42 "2004-09-11T18:57:24Z")
I’m betting you purchased this utensil at one of those second rate Spatula Towns as opposed to a genuine Spatula City. ---
**Author:** ![astro](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/9dc877/32.png) [@astro](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/astro)\ **Post date:** [September 11, 2004, 7:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/attempted-murder-suicide-by-my-spatula/263747/43 "2004-09-11T19:10:03Z")
My emotionally sturdy [bottle brush](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?t=250739) would have talked your spatula down. ---
**Author:** ![Kallessa](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/7993a0/32.png) [@Kallessa](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kallessa)\ **Post date:** [September 11, 2004, 7:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/attempted-murder-suicide-by-my-spatula/263747/44 "2004-09-11T19:33:11Z")
I’ve got to go with the dishwasher as the ultimate source of this misfortune. You see, **wolfman’s** spatula (which I call a flipper to distinguish it from the utensil I use to get the last of the brownie dough out of the bowl) was indeed crying out for attention, as were all your other utensils, plates, glasses and whatnot. The coldly impersonal cleansing of the dishwasher has denied these trusty kitchen helpmates quality time with **wolfman** –frisking together in the warm wash water, all bubbly and slick with soap, being gently rubbed (and effoliated) by a nylon scubber-sponge, rinsed under a jet of cool, crisp water and then lovingly, carefully dried with a fluffy, but lintless, towel–your kitchen buddies are crying out for your attention, your touch, your active participation in their cleanliness. The use of a mechanical agent, a dishwasher, renders you passive in this most important of rituals, reducing your role to that of a mere means of conveyence from sink to dishwasher. Your utensils and kitchen equipment work hard for you. They deserved some quality time with you. Forgo the dishwasher, wash them all by hand. They’ll thank you for it. ---
**Author:** ![Cervaise](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cervaise/32/16693_2.png) [@Cervaise](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cervaise)\ **Post date:** [September 11, 2004, 7:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/attempted-murder-suicide-by-my-spatula/263747/45 "2004-09-11T19:50:13Z")
> [@The Great Zamboni](#): > > Despite your eloquent account of how upset you are, I believe that you are covering up your own irresponsibility and neglect, now that you recognize that is what caused this tragedy. It could be worse. We may not be getting the whole story here. Imagine: “Ladle, cradle. … Grater, later. … Skillet, fill it. … But you, spatula… what am I going to do with you?” Pressure like that, any utensil could snap. ---
**Author:** ![The\_Scrivener](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/eada6e/32.png) [@The\_Scrivener](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/The_Scrivener)\ **Post date:** [September 11, 2004, 8:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/attempted-murder-suicide-by-my-spatula/263747/46 "2004-09-11T20:25:03Z")
I’m unconvinced by the theories that the spatula was embroiled in either a conspiracy or a love triangle turned violent. What I’m trying to get at, is… just how well did you _really_ know your spatula? Is it possible that your spatula was grouped with the spoon, slotted spoon, pasta spork, and whisk not from its own volition, but purely out of traditional culinary convention? Could it be possible that what your spatula really desired was… the companionship of _another_ spatula? And that his years of enforced loneliness and sexual alienation drove it to seek his immolation… in a particular place, the “Big Steam Bath and Jacuzzi Spa” (as some utensils are wont to refer to the washing machine), that the spatula would keenly long for the companionship of another spatula of his own orientation? I’m going to leave you the number of the hotline for the Friends of Gay Spatulas Alliance (FOGSA)… their counselors can help you confront your feelings of grief and guilt. ---
**Author:** ![Kallessa](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/7993a0/32.png) [@Kallessa](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kallessa)\ **Post date:** [September 11, 2004, 9:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/attempted-murder-suicide-by-my-spatula/263747/47 "2004-09-11T21:26:57Z")
\I love my dead gay spatula.\ ---
**Author:** ![Little\_Bird](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/3ec8ea/32.png) [@Little\_Bird](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Little_Bird)\ **Post date:** [September 12, 2004, 1:17am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/attempted-murder-suicide-by-my-spatula/263747/48 "2004-09-12T01:17:03Z")
> [@PussyCow](#): > > I knew it! It’s a **foot conspiracy**. What that has to do with utensils and dishes, I don’t know. But isn’t that the nature of a good conspiracy? > > Now Dopers, if you look at the dishware in any large U.S. city with a big > underground homosexual population - Des Moines, Iowa, perfect example. > Look at the utensils in Des Moines, Dopers. You can’t use them, you > can’t trust them. The government says it’s due to weak manufactoring standards. > But I know what’s really going on, Stuart. I know it’s the queers. > They’re in it with the aliens. They’re making salad shooters for gay > Martians. I swear to Og. > I hope the Dead Milkmen will forgive me. Des Moines has a large underground homosexual population? With Iowa City so close? I mean, you can get a carrot-scraper or an olive-grabber in any store on the street here! Why take it underground? ---
**Author:** ![FaerieBeth](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/e95f7d/32.png) [@FaerieBeth](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/FaerieBeth)\ **Post date:** [September 12, 2004, 1:55am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/attempted-murder-suicide-by-my-spatula/263747/49 "2004-09-12T01:55:17Z")
> [@Cervaise](#): > > It could be worse. We may not be getting the whole story here. Imagine: > > “Ladle, cradle. … Grater, later. … Skillet, fill it. … But you, spatula… what am I going to do with you?” > > Pressure like that, any utensil could snap. scapula? I know, that still sucks. If I’d have been the spatula…well, eggs are slimy. ---
**Author:** ![The\_Asbestos\_Mango](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/edb3f5/32.png) [@The\_Asbestos\_Mango](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/The_Asbestos_Mango)\ **Post date:** [September 12, 2004, 5:05am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/attempted-murder-suicide-by-my-spatula/263747/50 "2004-09-12T05:05:03Z")
> [@Kallessa](#): > > \I love my dead gay spatula.\ I expect the new wireless keyboard to arrive within two weeks… ---
**Author:** ![Tiggrkitty](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/tiggrkitty/32/17966_2.png) [@Tiggrkitty](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tiggrkitty)\ **Post date:** [September 12, 2004, 12:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/attempted-murder-suicide-by-my-spatula/263747/51 "2004-09-12T12:58:06Z")
> [@astro](#): > > My emotionally sturdy [bottle brush](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?t=250739) would have talked your spatula down. Hey Astro? You have seen [this](http://www.homemadesimple.com/dawn/dish_brush.shtml) right? ---
**Author:** ![Kallessa](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/7993a0/32.png) [@Kallessa](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kallessa)\ **Post date:** [September 12, 2004, 7:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/attempted-murder-suicide-by-my-spatula/263747/52 "2004-09-12T19:29:38Z")
> [@The Asbestos Mango](#): > > I expect the new wireless keyboard to arrive within two weeks… Huh? ---
**Author:** ![Gyrate](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/gyrate/32/3588_2.png) [@Gyrate](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Gyrate)\ **Post date:** [September 12, 2004, 7:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/attempted-murder-suicide-by-my-spatula/263747/53 "2004-09-12T19:43:30Z")
> [@Kallessa](#): > > Huh? I believe the implication is that the previous wireless keyboard suffered a mechanical malfunction caused by the involuntary explosive explusion of caffeinated liquids into its works. And this sad, sad tragedy claims yet another victim. ---
**Author:** ![ouryL](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ouryl/32/6067_2.png) [@ouryL](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ouryL)\ **Post date:** [September 12, 2004, 11:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/attempted-murder-suicide-by-my-spatula/263747/54 "2004-09-12T23:04:04Z")
Ah yes, I can sympathize. One year, our faithful stove of fifteen years decided to arc wield my Mother’s favorite stew pot. Upon seeing the sparks fly, my oldest bro pushed the pot into the sink with a broom stick as we scrambled to flick off all the switches in the fusebox, which happen to be also in the kitchen. Although a practical woman, my mother thought it a bad idea (bad ideal, as in bad omen)to actually eat the slightly singed stew, so we ate KFC. We ate that the next day. My father, being the practical man that he is (practical, as in cheap or stingy), replaced the old burner with a new one and he wielded closed the old stew pot - which was silly, because he should have known full-well that my mother would never use that pot again but would keep it as a joke, the butt of which was my father. Suffice it to say, we wouldn’t have been the only family to have had a teenager try to burn their house down. :eek: 😃 ---
**Author:** ![GrizzRich](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/7ba0ec/32.png) [@GrizzRich](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/GrizzRich)\ **Post date:** [September 13, 2004, 1:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/attempted-murder-suicide-by-my-spatula/263747/55 "2004-09-13T13:41:27Z")
Have a dish and a spoon run away recently? ---
**Author:** ![Shirley\_Ujest](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/45deac/32.png) [@Shirley\_Ujest](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Shirley_Ujest)\ **Post date:** [September 13, 2004, 2:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/attempted-murder-suicide-by-my-spatula/263747/56 "2004-09-13T14:17:38Z")
Have you ever thought that maybe your beloved spatula was just trying to get a little more massage relieve from the top rack water spewing device cleaning action thingee NASA here I come! and slipped to a hot burning death before all its friends? Imagine the horror if anyone of use were at the spa and we saw Larry from Accounting suddenly land on the steam room lava rocks. Nekkid. It would ruin my day, fersure. ---
**Author:** ![picunurse](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/7bcc69/32.png) [@picunurse](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/picunurse)\ **Post date:** [September 13, 2004, 2:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/attempted-murder-suicide-by-my-spatula/263747/57 "2004-09-13T14:19:17Z")
> [@GrizzRich](#): > > Have a dish and a spoon run away recently? I know a little about the debacle to which you refer. I have it on good authority that, contrary to gossip, no spatulas were involved. What was first thought to be a spatula was actually, a butter knife in drag. Besides, that happened so long ago, I doubt **wolfman** ’s spatula could have been the one involved… I mean, not involved… or … Oh, H\*ll! It just wasn’t there! I’m pretty sure. ---
**Author:** ![Shirley\_Ujest](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/45deac/32.png) [@Shirley\_Ujest](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Shirley_Ujest)\ **Post date:** [September 13, 2004, 2:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/attempted-murder-suicide-by-my-spatula/263747/58 "2004-09-13T14:36:49Z")
There is proof of this unnatural liasion between utensils. These freaks, the spoon and fork have laid together in the drawer, making sweet sweaty silverplated monkey lust to create the **spork**. Where in the hell do you put this unholy offspring of this unsanctioned union? Fork compartment? Spoon compartment? There is just no place for such a creature, except at Taco Bell. It ends up in the side of the plastic world that all the utensils rest their weary little heads in every night, with all the mutant utensils: tony the tiger spoon, butter knife, various stolen utensils from the cafeteria’s of life dreaming of ways to fark up your garbage disposal. Ever wonder why the slotted spoon’s nickname is the Slutted spoon and how she got all those holes? It involves a drunked evening in the den of inquity at the back of the drawer with a bunch of those unruly, drunken steak knives. The harlot with her big rounded gazonga just begging for _it_ to happen. Why can’t she more demure like the petite little demittase spoon? Chaste and never used, not even to dig out ice cream. This is only the beginning of the End Of The World As We Know It And I Feel Fine! ---
**Author:** ![Tio\_Gringo](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/b5e925/32.png) [@Tio\_Gringo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tio_Gringo)\ **Post date:** [September 13, 2004, 6:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/attempted-murder-suicide-by-my-spatula/263747/59 "2004-09-13T18:14:26Z")
**Wolfman** , look on the bright side, this gives you a great opportunity to run down to **Spatula City** TM. I hear that this weekend only, they are having a special liquidation sale. You buy nine spatulas and you get the tenth one for only one penny! ---
**Author:** ![Tio\_Gringo](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/b5e925/32.png) [@Tio\_Gringo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tio_Gringo)\ **Post date:** [September 13, 2004, 6:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/attempted-murder-suicide-by-my-spatula/263747/60 "2004-09-13T18:21:08Z")
They make great Christmas gifts… …and what better better way to say “I Love You” than with the gift of a spatula? **Spatula City** TM, they’re in the Yellow Pages under “Spatulas.” [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/attempted-murder-suicide-by-my-spatula/263747.md?page=2) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/attempted-murder-suicide-by-my-spatula/263747.md?page=4)