# Attention Ladies: Please do not cry at the office **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [January 14, 2010, 7:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/attention-ladies-please-do-not-cry-at-the-office/524970 "2010-01-14T19:33:12Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 3
**Author:** ![bucketybuck](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/898d66/32.png) [@bucketybuck](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/bucketybuck)\ **Post date:** [January 14, 2010, 11:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/attention-ladies-please-do-not-cry-at-the-office/524970/41 "2010-01-14T23:38:04Z")
> [@DiosaBellissima](#): > > Seriously ladies, I know you’re all hormonal, but please try to contain yourselves while us men try to get some real work done. > :rolleyes: Just got demoted - take a time out yes. Just heard that your best friend was in a car crash - Don’t worry, take as long as you need. Barry in service just raised his voice and gave you a dirty look - Quit with the fucking waterworks. Suck it up and get some bloody work done. Hormones are no excuse for being unprofessional at work. There will be times your private life will intrude and thats ok, but this is WORK, not the fucking Big Brother house. Having a tiff with Sharon is not reason to disappear for ten minutes blubbing. Get some work done. (Fuck that modern man bullshit too ;)) ---
**Author:** ![Hockey\_Monkey](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/a183cd/32.png) [@Hockey\_Monkey](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Hockey_Monkey)\ **Post date:** [January 15, 2010, 12:35am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/attention-ladies-please-do-not-cry-at-the-office/524970/42 "2010-01-15T00:35:33Z")
> [@Fuzzy\_Dunlop](#): > > I am completely surprised by this thread. I really thought people crying at work or other inappropriate times were upset enough that they believed it was a reasonable behavior at the time. Just like you raise your voice when you want people to know you’re angry, not because you can’t stop it. This idea that it’s an involuntary behavior is baffling to me. > > For what it’s worth, I’ve always felt that crying when alone or with friends and family is probably a really effective way to cope with stress and sadness. I’d be happy to cry more if I ever felt the urge. It’s just never occurred to me that it was involuntary for anyone. 100% involuntary reaction and 100% humiliating to have it happen in front of other people. I rarely cry when I’m sad. It usually happens when I’m extremely angry or when someone has expressed disappointment in me. If I could stop it from happening I would. ---
**Author:** ![Jimmy\_Chitwood](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/f475e1/32.png) [@Jimmy\_Chitwood](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Jimmy_Chitwood)\ **Post date:** [January 15, 2010, 12:44am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/attention-ladies-please-do-not-cry-at-the-office/524970/43 "2010-01-15T00:44:54Z")
> [@Fuzzy\_Dunlop](#): > > oh I believe you and all the other women who said they can’t help themselves sometimes. I’m just truly surprised by it. It’s one of the rare times I’m really completely surprised by something so basic about the opposite sex. I don’t know if it’s really basic to anybody’s sex… haven’t you ever cried even though you tried to stop, under any circumstances at all? ---
**Author:** ![salinqmind](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/3ec8ea/32.png) [@salinqmind](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/salinqmind)\ **Post date:** [January 15, 2010, 12:57am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/attention-ladies-please-do-not-cry-at-the-office/524970/44 "2010-01-15T00:57:30Z")
I’ve gone into work crying my eyes out, tears welling up all day long, and try try try as I might, I could NOT TURN THEM OFF. I couldn’t just run into the ladies room to let it all out for 5 minutes. I couldn’t just stay home and not go to work till I was over it. I’m sorry that happened. If it makes you people who don’t like seeing such displays feel any better, I was about as humiliated and embarrassed as it is possible for a human to be. ---
**Author:** ![BigT](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/bigt/32/12044_2.png) [@BigT](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BigT)\ **Post date:** [January 15, 2010, 12:59am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/attention-ladies-please-do-not-cry-at-the-office/524970/45 "2010-01-15T00:59:45Z")
> [@Nzinga\_Seated](#): > > Why do women seem to cry more than men, though? I really want to know the answer to that. > > I am a very, dominant, direct woman. I don’t cry at work. But… > > One day, my commission pay was incorrect. My supervisor had docked it for me being late, even though he had agreed that the late day was excusable and wouldn’t count against me. He lied. > > I took it to a meeting with him and the big boss and while I was laying out exactly why he shouldn’t be allowed to reduce my commission by 700 freakin’ whole dollars, a horrible thing happened. I felt my voice crack and my eyes water. It was too late. It was happening. I was so disgusted with myself that I appologized for the unprofessionalism and asked that the disregard my entire complaint…sorry to have wasted your time. > > I have always wondered since then…what compelled me to cry when I was willing myself not to with all of my strength. Because you were trying to stop it. And because you put so much significance in trying to stop it. You honestly think that, because you cried, that meant it was perfectly fine to receive improper pay? Sure, you might want to take a bit, and recoop, but they owe you what they owe you, and your crying should make no difference. While it would be great if were all capable of expressing one’s emotions well enough that you don’t accidentally release them in the torrent that is crying, we aren’t. And making a big deal out of it doesn’t make it any better. If anything, trying so hard not to do something only makes it worse. I honestly think that the so-called professionalism is still too weighted towards the male. Crying should not be seen as such a large faux pas, and just a normal biological function that shouldn’t factor into anything. And, if you guys really think someone is less of a person because they cried, well, um, let’s just say that you’re the one with a problem. ---
**Author:** ![starryspice](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/9e8a1a/32.png) [@starryspice](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/starryspice)\ **Post date:** [January 15, 2010, 1:05am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/attention-ladies-please-do-not-cry-at-the-office/524970/46 "2010-01-15T01:05:22Z")
> [@Nzinga\_Seated](#): > > Why do women seem to cry more than men, though? I really want to know the answer to that. There is a woman who underwent a sex change (and the accompanying hormonal therapy) to become a man. He has written about his experience, and as an astronomer said that he noted no change in ability with respect to math, physics, etc. However, what he did note was that when he started the testosterone therapy, he became less able to cry. So I think it really is a hormonal thing, not in a “it’s that time of the month” way, but in a “if I’m a woman, I have more estrogen, and that makes me more able to cry” way. I realize this is just an anecdote, and so this might be overruled by other explanations, but I think men really are just less emotional in that way. (I read elsewhere that men tend to be more emotionally “stable” in that they experience less profound sadness, and also less ecstatic happiness. As women age and go through menopause, they also lose their ability to feel extreme emotions. Can’t remember where I read this, so take it with a grain of salt.) ---
**Author:** ![Nzinga\_Seated](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/b5ac83/32.png) [@Nzinga\_Seated](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Nzinga_Seated)\ **Post date:** [January 15, 2010, 1:28am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/attention-ladies-please-do-not-cry-at-the-office/524970/47 "2010-01-15T01:28:57Z")
> [@BigT](#): > > Because you were trying to stop it. And because you put so much significance in trying to stop it. You honestly think that, because you cried, that meant it was perfectly fine to receive improper pay? I didn’t think it was fine that they messed up my commission, (I knew the big boss would right it, and he did. I actually never even worried about that). But I was mortified that I couldn’t control my emotions, and I think that it really shouldn’t be displayed in the workplace. I think a workplace should not be the place to let emotions rule. There is a place for emotions, but not there, IMO. I get extremely passionate about things. I am intense about food, music, men, poetry, art. Even my work, I get very intense. But the idea that I should let my emotions rule me to the point that I make others uncomfortable, or invite pity based on my tears…I shudder at that. ---
**Author:** ![miamouse](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/ad7895/32.png) [@miamouse](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/miamouse)\ **Post date:** [January 15, 2010, 1:47am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/attention-ladies-please-do-not-cry-at-the-office/524970/48 "2010-01-15T01:47:23Z")
People have seen me cry at work twice. Once was my 2nd day on a new job and my 2 year old jumped out of the crib at my aunt’s needing stitches. I felt I couldn’t leave, and made his dad go. The other was about a year ago. I was essentially passed over for a new position by someone with a lot less experience, and got a new boss but I wasn’t told any of it. I was majorly confused and by the time I thought I figured out what was going on, made an appointment with HR. I was going to ‘apply for [new position]’ which didn’t really exist. I knew it and he knew it. That appointment was canceled or no-showed SIX times. On the day of my last canceled appointment with HR, my apparently new boss decides he’s got time to talk to me and clear things up. Essentially, the message being “It’s bad out there, don’t make waves, suck it up, accept the crappy suggestions for the project you work on, because he’s in with the favorites at the top more than you or I and I’m scared for my job too” What I heard was “tough shit, it makes no difference how good you are, hard you work or how much you gave of yourself this year, you are going no where and stuck here because it’s bad out there” Typically, I can keep a straight face, but in extreme stress, I get blotches of red on my neck and face that give it away but I appear calm. This time I just started to leak from my crumpling face and I hated it because I know there’s no crying in baseball. ---
**Author:** ![miamouse](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/ad7895/32.png) [@miamouse](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/miamouse)\ **Post date:** [January 15, 2010, 1:49am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/attention-ladies-please-do-not-cry-at-the-office/524970/49 "2010-01-15T01:49:06Z")
> [@Nzinga\_Seated](#): > > But the idea that I should let my emotions rule me to the point that I make others uncomfortable, or invite pity based on my tears…I shudder at that. exactly. ---
**Author:** ![Nzinga\_Seated](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/b5ac83/32.png) [@Nzinga\_Seated](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Nzinga_Seated)\ **Post date:** [January 15, 2010, 1:52am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/attention-ladies-please-do-not-cry-at-the-office/524970/50 "2010-01-15T01:52:24Z")
> [@miamouse](#): > > People have seen me cry at work twice. Once was my 2nd day on a new job and my 2 year old jumped out of the crib at my aunt’s needing stitches. I felt I couldn’t leave, and made his dad go. I don’t even count this. My daughter’s school bus lost her once, and I cried when they called. That doesn’t count. ---
**Author:** ![OpalCat](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/8edcca/32.png) [@OpalCat](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/OpalCat)\ **Post date:** [January 15, 2010, 2:17am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/attention-ladies-please-do-not-cry-at-the-office/524970/51 "2010-01-15T02:17:17Z")
I remember when they were adjusting my dose of Wellbutrin when I first started taking it. At low doses, before it reached therapeutic levels, it made me really weepy. EVERYTHING made me tear up. Cute pictures of puppies made me cry. Ads in magazines, on TV… anything even slightly sentimental, beautiful, touching, sad, scary… you name it and it made me start to cry. It was hugely embarrassing and I’m glad that it stopped once we got to the right dose. However, if I’d been working a regular job I’d have been crying at work. There just would not have been a way around it. It sprang up suddenly with no warning and it happened way too frequently to dash to the bathroom every time. ---
**Author:** ![Rack-a-Bones](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/77aa72/32.png) [@Rack-a-Bones](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rack-a-Bones)\ **Post date:** [January 15, 2010, 2:18am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/attention-ladies-please-do-not-cry-at-the-office/524970/52 "2010-01-15T02:18:35Z")
> [@pbbth](#): > > Attention Guys: Please try not to stand in front of the ladies in the office and scratch your balls as though you were putting on a show. Also stop talking about how you are cheating on your pregnant wife with women you meet in bars. That makes me think less of you. > > Thank you. That is all. Does this actually happen at your work or are you just making that up to prove a point? ---
**Author:** ![Harriet\_the\_Spry](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/e56c9b/32.png) [@Harriet\_the\_Spry](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Harriet_the_Spry)\ **Post date:** [January 15, 2010, 2:33am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/attention-ladies-please-do-not-cry-at-the-office/524970/53 "2010-01-15T02:33:30Z")
It’s pretty clear to me that crying has a biological, hormonal component. Medications that change the hormonal balance change the frequency with which people cry. Guys should be familiar with the concept of hormones causing involuntary biological reactions. Yeah, you would probably also try to go to the restroom for some privacy in that case, but if it happens in the middle of the big meeting and you can’t leave, there you are. While crying in the office is problematic, it is in parallel to inappropriate expressions of anger in the office, like slamming a door, yelling, or letting out a curse word inadvertently. It’s not some whole new frontier of unprofessional like the OP is about the millionth person to make it out to be. ---
**Author:** ![Taomist](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/53a042/32.png) [@Taomist](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Taomist)\ **Post date:** [January 15, 2010, 2:36am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/attention-ladies-please-do-not-cry-at-the-office/524970/54 "2010-01-15T02:36:53Z")
I got a message at work that my grandmother had passed. It wasn’t unexpected, but…still. I managed to save it for the 40 minute drive home. 10 minutes into that drive, I ran over a puppy because I couldn’t see the damned road in front of me. \ So then I was bawling cause I hit a dog and my grandma died, and…my boss’s boss was right behind me, and saw it all as I got out of the car, a sloppy wet mess, bawling my head off in the middle of the street with a dead dog. I should have just let loose at the office. 😛 ---
**Author:** ![Vihaga](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/v/b4bc9f/32.png) [@Vihaga](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Vihaga)\ **Post date:** [January 15, 2010, 3:03am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/attention-ladies-please-do-not-cry-at-the-office/524970/55 "2010-01-15T03:03:19Z")
It’s a biological reaction, and I think it’s kind of sexist that people make such a big deal out of how “unprofessional” it is. Ben Barres (formerly Barbara) is a prominent neuroscientist who’s written a lot about his sex change- and how surprised he was that the biggest difference was how much more easily he cried before he switched. He also said people would tell him how much they liked his work and how much better he was than his sister. I’ve met him; he’s an interesting guy. The thing that kills me is how people see crying as less appropriate than even wildly inappropriate reactions, sometimes. My thesis adviser and I were talking about the whole Harvard “women can’t do science” debacle, and she told me about a well-respected female scientist who cried while objecting to it. My adviser went on to say how inappropriate it was that she cried and that “she should’ve hit him or something,” as though the violent reaction is better than the “feminine” one. ---
**Author:** ![Fair\_Rarity](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/fair_rarity/32/153_2.png) [@Fair\_Rarity](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Fair_Rarity)\ **Post date:** [January 15, 2010, 3:06am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/attention-ladies-please-do-not-cry-at-the-office/524970/56 "2010-01-15T03:06:46Z")
Regardless of gender or work or not, I can’t stand crying. I feel there are times and places, but I do know no one is perfect, that big things happen or little things just hit you at the wrong time. If a normally professional person has an occasional emotional outburst of any kind (crying, shouting, etc), I don’t think twice about it. What I can’t tolerate: manipulative tears. One woman I worked with cried every single time the boss assigned her any work, criticized her in the least, on the phone for hours with her boyfriend. It was horrible. “It’s too hard. _sob sob_” she’d say about her work and hint that someone should take it off her plate. She’d get mad at us for not relieving her angst. I always wondered how she got through life with that damsel-in-distress act. It was so disruptive to the rest of us, waiting for her to stop whining, tip-toeing around her. When there were actual bad things that happened, she wouldn’t cry. Thinking about it now, I probably saw every single other person cry in that office and it never bothered me because it was sincere and infrequent. ---
**Author:** ![Nzinga\_Seated](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/b5ac83/32.png) [@Nzinga\_Seated](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Nzinga_Seated)\ **Post date:** [January 15, 2010, 3:14am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/attention-ladies-please-do-not-cry-at-the-office/524970/57 "2010-01-15T03:14:34Z")
> [@Vihaga](#): > > It’s a biological reaction, and I think it’s kind of sexist that people make such a big deal out of how “unprofessional” it is. Are expressions of aggression a biological reaction in men? That is an honest question, because I would like to know. Does more testosterone make it more likely for a man to behave aggressively to the point of shouting, slamming down headsets or using profanities? Because all of that above stuff is unprofuckinfessional, and I see men get called to the carpet for it at work all the time. I saw a man fired for slamming his headset and pushing some things of his desk (it wasn’t the first time). We all knew this man, and knew he wouldn’t hurt a fly, but that crap was unacceptable and they fired him. At the same time, this woman that sits next to me breaks down crying nearly every other day, and I have never seen anyone speak to her about it. ---
**Author:** ![Inner\_Stickler](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/inner_stickler/32/318_2.png) [@Inner\_Stickler](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Inner_Stickler)\ **Post date:** [January 15, 2010, 3:22am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/attention-ladies-please-do-not-cry-at-the-office/524970/58 "2010-01-15T03:22:50Z")
> [@Rack-a-Bones](#): > > Does this actually happen at your work or are you just making that up to prove a point? I don’t work with Pbbth but I do work with other guys and as a whole, we’re really gross. Seriously. If I had a nickel for every time some dude readjusted his nethers or scratched an itch or farted or whatever in front of me, I’d be in Cancun right now sipping mai tais. I somehow manage to make it through the day without sticking my hand down my pants and I really don’t think I have all that hot of self-control. Also, I tend to get more weepy then the average guy at things. I don’t see it as a cross but rather a sign of evolution. I can swing a hammer and appreciate a sentimental moment. ---
**Author:** ![Vihaga](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/v/b4bc9f/32.png) [@Vihaga](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Vihaga)\ **Post date:** [January 15, 2010, 3:24am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/attention-ladies-please-do-not-cry-at-the-office/524970/59 "2010-01-15T03:24:39Z")
I fail to see how crying threatens or frightens anyone, or could be mistaken as a violent gesture. It’s like someone’s face getting red when they’re angry. ---
**Author:** ![Nzinga\_Seated](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/b5ac83/32.png) [@Nzinga\_Seated](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Nzinga_Seated)\ **Post date:** [January 15, 2010, 3:34am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/attention-ladies-please-do-not-cry-at-the-office/524970/60 "2010-01-15T03:34:17Z")
> [@Vihaga](#): > > I fail to see how crying threatens or frightens anyone, or could be mistaken as a violent gesture. It’s like someone’s face getting red when they’re angry. But when a man slams down his headset and pushes the staplers and stacks of papers off of his desk, he is not being violent towards anyone at all, and anyone that acts frightened would get the skeptical eye from me. He is angry at the customer on the phone and has no plans at all to just start beating us all bloody. So why was he fired? Because his behavior is unacceptably emotional for the work place and makes everyone around him feel uncomfortable when they should instead be relaxed and focused and productive. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/attention-ladies-please-do-not-cry-at-the-office/524970.md?page=2) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/attention-ladies-please-do-not-cry-at-the-office/524970.md?page=4)