# Attention! These following statements are not witty! **URL:** \ **Category:** The BBQ Pit\ **Created:** [July 23, 2004, 11:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/attention-these-following-statements-are-not-witty/256610 "2004-07-23T23:52:25Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 3
**Author:** ![AncientHumanoid](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ancienthumanoid/32/278_2.png) [@AncientHumanoid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AncientHumanoid)\ **Post date:** [July 24, 2004, 7:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/attention-these-following-statements-are-not-witty/256610/41 "2004-07-24T19:04:27Z")
So… You want us to hold the onions? ---
**Author:** ![Fish](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/bc8723/32.png) [@Fish](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Fish)\ **Post date:** [July 24, 2004, 7:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/attention-these-following-statements-are-not-witty/256610/42 "2004-07-24T19:10:11Z")
:wally ---
**Author:** ![AncientHumanoid](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ancienthumanoid/32/278_2.png) [@AncientHumanoid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AncientHumanoid)\ **Post date:** [July 24, 2004, 7:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/attention-these-following-statements-are-not-witty/256610/43 "2004-07-24T19:18:43Z")
😃 Not to minimize your condition, understand, **fish**. I just couldn’t resist. My friend (L), who had to have brain brain surgery in May to remove cancer, pulled a willy on us, let me tell ya. While the doc was explaining some certain things for the benefit of famliy and friends, L pipes up in a very good Arnold voice with, “It’s not a tumor!” I swear, my own head imploded at that, the timing was so fabulous. He’s doing pretty good, btw. ---
**Author:** ![Padmaraga](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/f07891/32.png) [@Padmaraga](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Padmaraga)\ **Post date:** [July 24, 2004, 7:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/attention-these-following-statements-are-not-witty/256610/44 "2004-07-24T19:22:03Z")
> [@Q.E.D.](#): > > “Sure. And when I’m done fucking my wife, I’ll do yours next.” Betcha never hear any variation of _that_ joke again. 😃 Oh, GOD, I wish I could use that one! I’m a woman, so I can’t figure out a way to make it work for me when it’s the fat slob of a guy down the street who’s asking me to wash his car or weed his yard when I’m done with mine, though. (No way I’m going to say “when I’m done fucking my husband, I’ll do you next”…_yeccchhh!_) ---
**Author:** ![Fish](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/bc8723/32.png) [@Fish](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Fish)\ **Post date:** [July 24, 2004, 7:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/attention-these-following-statements-are-not-witty/256610/45 "2004-07-24T19:45:10Z")
My condition, **NoClueBoy?** I make fun of my _condition_ all the time. I want to get a tombstone with a progress bar engraved on it that says “8% complete.” I want to get a t-shirt printed that says “this unit contains refurbished parts.” Since a complication of that surgery cost me the toes on my left foot, I have pointed out that I can now try on shoes without taking out the tissue paper. I don’t give a damn if people make fun of my _condition._ I’m just very tired of each person who believes he is the extra-special super-witty very firstest firstest ever person to realize that “liver” and “onions” go together. ---
**Author:** ![voguevixen](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/v/b5ac83/32.png) [@voguevixen](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/voguevixen)\ **Post date:** [July 24, 2004, 8:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/attention-these-following-statements-are-not-witty/256610/46 "2004-07-24T20:10:53Z")
> [@The Asbestos Mango](#): > > Uh, huh. Ya know what I used to write on the backs of my credit cards when I had/used them? “See I.D.” Basically what you’re saying here is that you really don’t mind if someone “borrows” your credit card and goes on a spree. See, the asking for ID (which is actually policy at Wal-Mart, I guess they have the muscle for a merchant agreement that allows it) is for _your_ protection. > > I’ll say it again. It is irresponsible in the extreme for credit card companies to prohibit merchants from checking ID when a credit card is used. “See ID” is meaningless, you know that, right? You’re missing my point entirely. First of all, so what if someone steals your card and goes on a spree? Those charges are wiped out and you get a new card. You don’t pay for it, the store doesn’t pay for it, the fucking $7/hr cashier sure as hell doesn’t have to pay for it, the CREDIT CARD COMPANY pays for it. If they don’t have a problem with that, why do you? (Don’t worry, they aren’t hurting for cash, but it’s nice of you to be looking out for them like that.) Secondly I’m telling you even if your ID DOESN’T match it doesn’t matter half the time. Once someone questioned mine and I said “well the first name is my nickname and the second is my maiden name.” “Oh, ok then.” You don’t have to be a master criminal to pull of an amazing feat of decption like that. From an email response to my questioning this at the Visa website: > [@](#): > > Thank you for your inquiry concerning a request for supplementary information for a Visa credit or debit card transaction. Merchants may not refuse to honor a Visa card simply because the cardholder refuses a request for supplementary information. The only exception is when a Visa card is unsigned when presented. However, “See ID” is not considered a valid signature. In these situations, a merchant must obtain authorization, review additional identification, and require the cardholder to sign the card before completing a transaction. The major convenience of a credit card is the speed and ease of the transaction; this is why they have a whole ad campaign about why it is better than a check because you DON’T NEED TO SHOW ID. If you think that’s a dumb idea, then don’t use one, but don’t dick things up for us normal people who are trying to buy tampons and Chee-tos and just want to get the hell out of the store! ---
**Author:** ![Liberal](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/848f3c/32.png) [@Liberal](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Liberal)\ **Post date:** [July 24, 2004, 8:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/attention-these-following-statements-are-not-witty/256610/47 "2004-07-24T20:14:42Z")
> [@Padmaraga](#): > > Oh, GOD, I wish I could use that one! I’m a woman, so I can’t figure out a way to make it work for me when it’s the fat slob of a guy down the street who’s asking me to wash his car or weed his yard when I’m done with mine, though. (No way I’m going to say “when I’m done fucking my husband, I’ll do you next”…_yeccchhh!_) You could say, “when I’m done fucking my husband, I’ll do your wife next.” ---
**Author:** ![Fish](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/bc8723/32.png) [@Fish](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Fish)\ **Post date:** [July 24, 2004, 8:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/attention-these-following-statements-are-not-witty/256610/48 "2004-07-24T20:19:43Z")
I thought that, too, **Liberal** , but it would only result in the response “can I watch?” or “need company?” or similar. ---
**Author:** ![Kat](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/b19c9b/32.png) [@Kat](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kat)\ **Post date:** [July 24, 2004, 8:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/attention-these-following-statements-are-not-witty/256610/49 "2004-07-24T20:23:26Z")
Well, to that, you just say “no”, **Fish**. 😉 ---
**Author:** ![flamingbananas](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/f4b2a3/32.png) [@flamingbananas](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/flamingbananas)\ **Post date:** [July 24, 2004, 9:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/attention-these-following-statements-are-not-witty/256610/50 "2004-07-24T21:00:41Z")
> [@Fish](#): > > Since a complication of that surgery cost me the toes on my left foot, I have pointed out that I can now try on shoes without taking out the tissue paper. I don’t give a damn if people make fun of my _condition._ hijack: Does have no toes affect your balance or walking very much? I’ve always wondered that. ---
**Author:** ![Fish](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/bc8723/32.png) [@Fish](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Fish)\ **Post date:** [July 24, 2004, 9:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/attention-these-following-statements-are-not-witty/256610/51 "2004-07-24T21:21:15Z")
Yes, by a great amount. I wear a brace on my left leg which consists of—it’s kinda like a shinguard. It also has a sole made of springy (steel?) stuff that bends like a regular foot. The springy part replaces my toes and helps to push off on each stride. The shinguard is to put my weight along my shin, instead of supporting my weight on amputated half-bone. Without it, I stride left-foot forward, bring up my right foot beside it, stride forward left, and so on, like Igor. Or a pirate. When I’m on my feet a great deal, what gets most tired is my _right_ hip because my right leg is what I use to balance with. With the foot brace on I can’t really bend my left ankle, so the work of balancing is done with my right leg only. It’s now almost impossible for me to stand on only my left leg unless I hang on to something. ---
**Author:** ![Padmaraga](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/f07891/32.png) [@Padmaraga](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Padmaraga)\ **Post date:** [July 24, 2004, 9:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/attention-these-following-statements-are-not-witty/256610/52 "2004-07-24T21:27:52Z")
> [@Liberal](#): > > You could say, “when I’m done fucking my husband, I’ll do your wife next.” 1. The guy in question doesn’t have a wife. I don’t know if he’s divorced or if she died ( in which case, EEEEEWWWWW!). 2. I don’t go that way. 3. I don’t think that comeback would have the desired effect. Probably the opposite, in fact. ---
**Author:** ![flamingbananas](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/f4b2a3/32.png) [@flamingbananas](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/flamingbananas)\ **Post date:** [July 24, 2004, 9:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/attention-these-following-statements-are-not-witty/256610/53 "2004-07-24T21:28:08Z")
Man, that’s terrible. I will now always respect and love my toes. I like walking and balancing. ---
**Author:** ![Bad\_News\_Baboon](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/5fc32e/32.png) [@Bad\_News\_Baboon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bad_News_Baboon)\ **Post date:** [July 24, 2004, 9:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/attention-these-following-statements-are-not-witty/256610/54 "2004-07-24T21:42:31Z")
> [@Fish](#): > > I want to get a t-shirt printed that says “this unit contains refurbished parts.” [How about this one?](http://www.dirtbagclothing.com/recycletshirt.htm) ---
**Author:** ![Cisco](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/ccd318/32.png) [@Cisco](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cisco)\ **Post date:** [July 24, 2004, 9:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/attention-these-following-statements-are-not-witty/256610/55 "2004-07-24T21:55:51Z")
> [@Sampiro](#): > > “I know somebody with your last name… do you have any relatives in Frothing Duck, Texas? This guy manages an Ikea… or is it a Waffle House? HONEY… does that guy in Frothing Duck manage an Ikea or a Waffle House? Oh… my wife says it’s a Crystal Gayle Museum… anyhoo, he has your last name and lost his arm in an accident but this cat over in Michigan invented a new one blah blah blah…”. Oooh, I got one up on this guy. My mom’s best friend is black and happens to be from New York. One day they met a lady and when she found out he was from NY she said “Oooh! I know a black guy from New York!” and proceed to describe him to try to find out if they knew each other. That’s been years ago and they STILL laugh about it :D. ---
**Author:** ![Chefguy](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/chefguy/32/138_2.png) [@Chefguy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Chefguy)\ **Post date:** [July 24, 2004, 10:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/attention-these-following-statements-are-not-witty/256610/56 "2004-07-24T22:04:03Z")
If a wait-person wants to banter, then I’m up for it, but I try to be somewhat off-beat. I live for the startled look on someone’s face when he doesn’t get the patented responses he’s prepared for. My last score was when the seafood restaurant manager came through checking on customers. He stopped at our table and gave us the standard “How was everything tonight?” “Not bad, but the meatloaf tasted fishy to me.” ::startled look:: “Err…we…don’t have meatloaf on our menu, sir.” “Really? That would explain the pinkish hue, I guess.” BADDA-BOOM! C’mon, give it to me! ---
**Author:** ![saramamalana](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/74df32/32.png) [@saramamalana](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/saramamalana)\ **Post date:** [July 24, 2004, 10:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/attention-these-following-statements-are-not-witty/256610/57 "2004-07-24T22:10:35Z")
In retail: “Hey, there’s no price on this - must be free!” Hahaha NO. In restaurants: If my dad cleared his plate because it was good, and the server asks “how was everything?” he’ll say “oh it was terrible, couldn’t eat a bite!” Yeah, cute, shut up. ---
**Author:** ![Una\_Persson](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/una_persson/32/346_2.png) [@Una\_Persson](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Una_Persson)\ **Post date:** [July 25, 2004, 1:07am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/attention-these-following-statements-are-not-witty/256610/58 "2004-07-25T01:07:17Z")
> [@laina\_f](#): > > Yeah, but you started it. 😕 Look, just never mind. Obviously it hit some nerve with you. ---
**Author:** ![AwSnappity](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/a3d4f5/32.png) [@AwSnappity](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AwSnappity)\ **Post date:** [July 25, 2004, 2:20am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/attention-these-following-statements-are-not-witty/256610/59 "2004-07-25T02:20:08Z")
My dad’s favorite restaurant joke goes like this: Host/Hostess: Do you have reservations? Dad: Yes, but we’re eating here anyway. This only works if the host/hostess says “reservation **s** ” and not “a reservation.” ---
**Author:** ![Little\_Bird](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/3ec8ea/32.png) [@Little\_Bird](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Little_Bird)\ **Post date:** [July 26, 2004, 12:56am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/attention-these-following-statements-are-not-witty/256610/60 "2004-07-26T00:56:45Z")
Like **Sampiro** , I used to work in a call center. Unlike **Sampiro** , I still do. And I’m slowly dying inside. And annoying people who think they’re funny do not help. At the end of a call we have to say something helpful like: \*“Is there anything else I can do for you today?” \* Typical “guy who thinks he’s funny” ('cause for some reason it’s never a woman) response: \*“Yeah, you can pay this bill! Har Har Har!” “Yeah, who’s winning the fight/game/race tonight?” “Yeah, but I can’t say it on the phone!” \*eew **eew** Those are merely annoying, since I just have to respond and get their asses off the line. The worst is: \*“Yeah, can you lower this payment for me? Har Har Har!” \* Because they just want to be funny and get the call over with but now I have to go through this whole spiel about discounts and special rates and bullcrap like that which really ruins your average call handling time when you’re trying to go for five minutes and 25 seconds each. Did I mention this is an insurance call center? What idiot company expects your average call to be 325 seconds and still get any important insurance stuff done? Oh yeah…mine. \*10 points to anyone who can guess where I work. 15 to the person who can guess the little green mascot I want to stomp. People actually call us to bitch/rave about our commercials. grrr. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/attention-these-following-statements-are-not-witty/256610.md?page=2) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/attention-these-following-statements-are-not-witty/256610.md?page=4)