# Avast me hearties! Prepare for boarding! **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [September 23, 2005, 1:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/avast-me-hearties-prepare-for-boarding/323047 "2005-09-23T13:59:10Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 9
**Author:** ![ArrMatey](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/arrmatey/32/3522_2.png) [@ArrMatey](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ArrMatey)\ **Post date:** [September 25, 2005, 4:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/avast-me-hearties-prepare-for-boarding/323047/161 "2005-09-25T16:27:04Z")
(the enemy captain will be a bit slow in posting due to sinus infection, but…) Pistols drawn, men at the ready, I grins, “Now captain, ye know if ye and yer mate shoot me, I may live, but I’ll be tellin’ ye, all my men down here shoot at ye, yer gonna die, plain and simple. Te make matters worse, kill me and ye know ye’ll never find the map. Drop yer guns like a nice girl and we’ll discuss the lost treasure of qutzulaxa in me cabin…” ---
**Author:** ![Malacandra](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/45deac/32.png) [@Malacandra](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Malacandra)\ **Post date:** [September 25, 2005, 9:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/avast-me-hearties-prepare-for-boarding/323047/162 "2005-09-25T21:36:29Z")
Meanwhile, forgotten by all, **Malacandra** is lurking below decks in the stygian darkness, his hat liberally lined with foil to stymie any tricks that pain of a wizardess might try to pull on him, his feet treading the planks as noiselessly as a black panthers, and his dark brown eyes barely a gleam in the murk. He notes with interest that in all the toing and froing, the magazine seems to be poorly guarded, and with barely a pause for introspection he helps himself to a handy-sized keg of powder before slipping away. 😃 ---
**Author:** ![Anaamika](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/5f9b8f/32.png) [@Anaamika](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Anaamika)\ **Post date:** [September 25, 2005, 10:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/avast-me-hearties-prepare-for-boarding/323047/163 "2005-09-25T22:03:59Z")
> [@ArrMatey!](#): > > (the enemy captain will be a bit slow in posting due to sinus infection, but…) > > Pistols drawn, men at the ready, I grins, “Now captain, ye know if ye and yer mate shoot me, I may live, but I’ll be tellin’ ye, all my men down here shoot at ye, yer gonna die, plain and simple. Te make matters worse, kill me and ye know ye’ll never find the map. Drop yer guns like a nice girl and we’ll discuss the lost treasure of qutzulaxa in me cabin…” Yeah, but you’ll still be dead. (I’m back albeit briefly.) And truly, I would die to avenge myself upon you! Have you forgotten so quickly, cretin, it was you who slew my father? And for no other crime than… …er… not bowing to you in the square, that was it! And you killed my dog! But I suppose I’m willing to…_bargain_, you cur. ---
**Author:** ![Man\_With\_a\_Cat](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/cab0a1/32.png) [@Man\_With\_a\_Cat](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Man_With_a_Cat)\ **Post date:** [September 25, 2005, 11:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/avast-me-hearties-prepare-for-boarding/323047/164 "2005-09-25T23:19:54Z")
> [@ArrMatey!](#): > > (the enemy captain will be a bit slow in posting due to sinus infection, but…) > > … Drop yer guns like a nice girl and we’ll discuss the lost treasure of qutzulaxa in me cabin…" Like a nice girl??? She’s **Anaamika** , Captain of the Chichy Pirates!!! This sounds like a _nice_ girl??? ---
**Author:** ![Regallag\_The\_Axe](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/regallag_the_axe/32/445_2.png) [@Regallag\_The\_Axe](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Regallag_The_Axe)\ **Post date:** [September 25, 2005, 11:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/avast-me-hearties-prepare-for-boarding/323047/165 "2005-09-25T23:44:38Z")
> [@ArrMatey!](#): > > …lost treasure of qutzulaxa… Oh, yeah, about that. On my raids I found a golden statue of someking of bird thing. It was in a museum and was labelled “lost treasure of qutzulaxa.” I took and melted it down. Then I recast it into a statue of me. So, the traesure map was a scam in the first place, and the thing doesn’t exist any more. ---
**Author:** ![Malacandra](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/45deac/32.png) [@Malacandra](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Malacandra)\ **Post date:** [September 26, 2005, 12:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/avast-me-hearties-prepare-for-boarding/323047/166 "2005-09-26T12:57:30Z")
::hums a nautical ditty in an undertone:: …and a little here, and here, and in here, and now… ::inserts a length of slowmatch in the bung-hole:: ---
**Author:** ![Anaamika](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/5f9b8f/32.png) [@Anaamika](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Anaamika)\ **Post date:** [September 26, 2005, 1:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/avast-me-hearties-prepare-for-boarding/323047/167 "2005-09-26T13:16:35Z")
(Whose bunghole, Malacandra?) STOP BLOWING HOLES IN ME SHIP! ---
**Author:** ![Malacandra](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/45deac/32.png) [@Malacandra](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Malacandra)\ **Post date:** [September 26, 2005, 1:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/avast-me-hearties-prepare-for-boarding/323047/168 "2005-09-26T13:25:29Z")
(Bet you’re glad I didn’t say “hawsehole”, **Anaamika** ) ::gleam of a dark lantern briefly uncovered:: ::whiff of sparks:: ::keg of powder is set down with exaggerated care:: Well, you just had to go and sink me boat, didn’t you? ::muffled squeak of wrench applied to the bolts holding the rudder on:: ---
**Author:** ![Draelin](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/ce73a5/32.png) [@Draelin](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Draelin)\ **Post date:** [September 26, 2005, 1:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/avast-me-hearties-prepare-for-boarding/323047/169 "2005-09-26T13:27:58Z")
It’s a good thing the wizardess checked the board before going to work, aye? Now that I’ve kicked that powder keg overboard, it’s time for me to go find that pox-ridden devil and … teach him a lesson … ---
**Author:** ![Anaamika](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/5f9b8f/32.png) [@Anaamika](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Anaamika)\ **Post date:** [September 26, 2005, 1:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/avast-me-hearties-prepare-for-boarding/323047/170 "2005-09-26T13:30:03Z")
Well, I’m busy…er…\*bargaining \* with **ArrMatey** , the heinous enemy captain, so you’d better deal with **Malacandra** , that rogue. ---
**Author:** ![Malacandra](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/45deac/32.png) [@Malacandra](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Malacandra)\ **Post date:** [September 26, 2005, 1:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/avast-me-hearties-prepare-for-boarding/323047/171 "2005-09-26T13:43:09Z")
::watches with amusement as the swaggering wizardess, her mind empty of aught but her oh-so-powerful magic, carelessly steps into a strategically-placed bight of rope:: ::kicks the hundred-pound kedge anchor overboard and looks on as the rope tightens on **Draelin** ’s ankle and yanks her out through the entryport:: “Pox-ridden devil” is it? By careful avoidance of certain waterfront stews, I’ve managed to give the pox the slip up to now, and as to the devil, I leave such matters to those better acquainted with witchery. ::listens to the yell and the splash, both like music to the ears:: Teach _that_ a lesson, **Draelin** 😛 ::does not bother to watch the bubbles:: ---
**Author:** ![ArrMatey](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/arrmatey/32/3522_2.png) [@ArrMatey](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ArrMatey)\ **Post date:** [September 26, 2005, 2:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/avast-me-hearties-prepare-for-boarding/323047/172 "2005-09-26T14:06:33Z")
Well, lass, I know yer da was important to ye, but there were reasons… And just think, if it nae’d happened, you’d not be the fine, fine captain you are today… So what say I tell my men to put down their guns, you tell your crew to stop flinging cat-poop, and we take this discussion to the captain’s quarters? After all, there’s plenty more ships in the sea… ---
**Author:** ![eleanorigby](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/ee7513/32.png) [@eleanorigby](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/eleanorigby)\ **Post date:** [September 26, 2005, 2:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/avast-me-hearties-prepare-for-boarding/323047/173 "2005-09-26T14:10:46Z")
pssst! Oy, Captainess! But soft now. Happen ye’ll invite the scury nave o’er to sup, eh? Happen I’ll be fixin’ some of me special stew…think on. Heheheheh. ---
**Author:** ![Anaamika](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/5f9b8f/32.png) [@Anaamika](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Anaamika)\ **Post date:** [September 26, 2005, 2:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/avast-me-hearties-prepare-for-boarding/323047/174 "2005-09-26T14:14:13Z")
> [@ArrMatey!](#): > > Well, lass, I know yer da was important to ye, but there were reasons… And just think, if it nae’d happened, you’d not be the fine, fine captain you are today… > > So what say I tell my men to put down their guns, you tell your crew to stop flinging cat-poop, and we take this discussion to the captain’s quarters? After all, there’s plenty more ships in the sea… Of course me da was important to me! Ever since mum died, there’s been no one else, just me and da against the world. Still, if you wish to talk, I’d gladly invite you over to my ship. Let’s say…you and three of your able-bodied men, yes? CEASE FIRE, CREW! Hold your cat-poop, we have some talking to do. ---
**Author:** ![Malacandra](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/45deac/32.png) [@Malacandra](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Malacandra)\ **Post date:** [September 26, 2005, 2:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/avast-me-hearties-prepare-for-boarding/323047/175 "2005-09-26T14:22:34Z")
::loosens the last bolt and watches the rudder fall into the sea:: ::sidles along to the capstan barrel, removes the pawls from the ratchet, tosses them over the side:: ::applies the flame of the dark lantern to the patches of powder strategically spilled in post #166, and watches the billows of thick smoke start to rise:: ---
**Author:** ![Man\_With\_a\_Cat](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/cab0a1/32.png) [@Man\_With\_a\_Cat](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Man_With_a_Cat)\ **Post date:** [September 26, 2005, 2:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/avast-me-hearties-prepare-for-boarding/323047/176 "2005-09-26T14:27:37Z")
> [@Anaamika](#): > > Of course me da was important to me! Ever since mum died, there’s been no one else, just me and da against the world. > > Still, if you wish to talk, I’d gladly invite you over to my ship. Let’s say…you and three of your able-bodied men, yes? > CEASE FIRE, CREW! Hold your cat-poop, we have some talking to do. Uh…permission to dump bagfuls of hoarded cat poop overboard? ---
**Author:** ![Anaamika](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/5f9b8f/32.png) [@Anaamika](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Anaamika)\ **Post date:** [September 26, 2005, 2:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/avast-me-hearties-prepare-for-boarding/323047/177 "2005-09-26T14:28:57Z")
_watching the smoke rise from her ship_ YOU BLOODY BARSTARD! WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING? All hands! Abandon ship! Quickly, now! _realizes her most untenable position, in the clutches of the nefarious **ArrMatey** _ Uh…mayhap we could rethink that meeting, and hold it on your ship? I presume we have much to discuss. \*\*Malacandra \*\* is me new sworn enemy and we shall hunt him down! ---
**Author:** ![Draelin](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/ce73a5/32.png) [@Draelin](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Draelin)\ **Post date:** [September 26, 2005, 2:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/avast-me-hearties-prepare-for-boarding/323047/178 "2005-09-26T14:35:19Z")
_draws water from the sea to put out all the fires_ She won’t burn up, Cap’n, but we might ought to set the conkybines to slappin’ on a new rudder. And I’ll be able to track down that blige-rat **Malacandra** –tin-foil hats are easy for wizardesses to find, don’t you know. ---
**Author:** ![Malacandra](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/45deac/32.png) [@Malacandra](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Malacandra)\ **Post date:** [September 26, 2005, 2:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/avast-me-hearties-prepare-for-boarding/323047/179 "2005-09-26T14:35:23Z")
::feels sure that **ArrMatey** and his bloodthirsty crew will be sure not to take advantage of the sudden restructuring of the power dynamic in any way, shape or form:: ::tosses a few more handfuls of powder on the smoky fire:: ::listens to the blessed panic above:: ---
**Author:** ![Anaamika](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/5f9b8f/32.png) [@Anaamika](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Anaamika)\ **Post date:** [September 26, 2005, 2:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/avast-me-hearties-prepare-for-boarding/323047/180 "2005-09-26T14:38:56Z")
You think?! Concubines! Below ducks! Find that scurvy bilge-rat **Malacandra**! I’ll gang him up by his toes! For a week, and in the tide pool, too. A thousand godl pieces to the first one who catches him! **ArrMatey** , if you try to take advantage, I will get my revenge! Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, but one day. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/avast-me-hearties-prepare-for-boarding/323047.md?page=8) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/avast-me-hearties-prepare-for-boarding/323047.md?page=10)