# Aviation humor
**URL:** https://boards.straightdope.com/t/aviation-humor/446841
**Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
**Created:** [April 25, 2008, 2:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/aviation-humor/446841 "2008-04-25T14:04:29Z")
**Posts on this page:** 20
**Page:** 1
### Author:  [@mlees](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/mlees)
#### Post date: [April 25, 2008, 2:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/aviation-humor/446841/1 "2008-04-25T14:04:29Z")
This Email is making the circuit amongst my relatives, thought it was funny enough to share.
> [@](#):
>
> Just in case you need a laugh:
>
> After every flight, commercial and military pilots fill out a form, called a ‘gripe sheet,’ which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight.
>
> Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers.
>
> P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
> S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.
>
> P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
> S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.
>
> P: Something loose in cockpit
> S: Something tightened in cockpit
>
> P: Dead bugs on windshield.
> S: Live bugs on back-order.
>
> P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent
> S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
>
> P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
> S: Evidence removed.
>
> P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
> S: DME volume set to more believable level.
>
> P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
> S: That’s what friction locks are for.
>
> P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
> S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
>
> P: Suspected crack in windshield.
> S: Suspect you’re right.
>
> P: Number 3 engine missing.
> S: Engine found on right wing after brief search
>
> P: Aircraft handles funny.
> S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right and be serious.
>
> P: Target radar hums.
> S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.
>
> P: Mouse in cockpit.
> S: Cat installed.
>
> P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
> S: Took hammer away from midget.
---
### Author:  [@Really\_Not\_All\_That\_Bright](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Really_Not_All_That_Bright)
#### Post date: [April 25, 2008, 2:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/aviation-humor/446841/2 "2008-04-25T14:20:22Z")
That was good for a lot of chuckles. Thank you. 🙂
---
### Author:  [@Johnny\_L.A](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Johnny_L.A)
#### Post date: [April 25, 2008, 2:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/aviation-humor/446841/3 "2008-04-25T14:26:49Z")
Airliner on final approach.
Pilot: Have you ever seen a runway so short?
Copilot: No. Better use full flaps.
They get closer.
Pilot: Have you _ever_ seen a runway so short?
Copilot: Nope. Better use full reverse thrust.
Now they’re about down.
Pilot: Have you ever seen a runway so short?
Copilot: Negative. Better use all the brakes we have.
They land and come to a screeching halt.
Pilot: Have you _ **ever** _ seen a runway so short?
Copilot: No, sir. but have you ever seen one so _wide?_
---
### Author:  [@hotflungwok](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/hotflungwok)
#### Post date: [April 25, 2008, 2:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/aviation-humor/446841/4 "2008-04-25T14:29:44Z")
Old as the internet, but still good for a laugh.
---
### Author:  [@Johnny\_L.A](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Johnny_L.A)
#### Post date: [April 25, 2008, 2:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/aviation-humor/446841/5 "2008-04-25T14:51:50Z")
How many pilots does it take to change a light bulb?
One. He holds onto the bulb and the world revolves around him.
How can you tell if there’s a pilot at your party?
He’ll tell you.
Old pilots never die. They just buzz off.
Pilots are _plane_ people with a special _air_ about them.
---
### Author:  [@Elendil\_s\_Heir](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Elendil_s_Heir)
#### Post date: [April 25, 2008, 3:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/aviation-humor/446841/6 "2008-04-25T15:04:14Z")
The entire movie _Airplane!_
A classic _Far Side_ cartoon. A pilot asks his copilot, looking ahead, “What would a mountain goat be doing up here in a cloudbank?”
Two old sayings, “There are old pilots, and there are bold pilots, but there are very few old, bold pilots,” and “Any landing you can walk away from is a good landing.”
Old joke: A British Airways pilot gets a hard time from Berlin air traffic control and is finally crossly asked by the controller, “What’s the matter with you, Speedbird 4372, haven’t you ever flown into Berlin before?” The pilot replies coolly, “Quite a few times in 1943, but I never landed.”
---
### Author:  [@Johnny\_L.A](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Johnny_L.A)
#### Post date: [April 25, 2008, 3:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/aviation-humor/446841/7 "2008-04-25T15:08:59Z")
A Sweet Young Thing asks the crusty old pilot, ‘When was the last time you had sex?’
The pilot says, ‘Nineteen fifty-nine.’
‘Wow, that was a long time ago!’
The pilot looks at his watch and says, ‘Not really. It’s only 21:17 now.’
---
### Author:  [@Johnny\_L.A](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Johnny_L.A)
#### Post date: [April 25, 2008, 3:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/aviation-humor/446841/8 "2008-04-25T15:11:57Z")
For some classic aviation humour check out Bob Stevens’s _There I Was…_
[This page has a few of his P-47 cartoons](http://www.78thfightergroup.com/history/bobstevensart.html).
---
### Author:  [@Rick](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rick)
#### Post date: [April 25, 2008, 3:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/aviation-humor/446841/9 "2008-04-25T15:25:58Z")
[QUOTE=Elendil’s Heir]
The entire movie _Airplane!_
A classic _Far Side_ cartoon. A pilot asks his copilot, looking ahead, “What would a mountain goat be doing up here in a cloudbank?”
Two old sayings, “There are old pilots, and there are bold pilots, but there are very few old, bold pilots,” and “Any landing you can walk away from is a good landing.”
Old joke: A British Airways pilot gets a hard time from Berlin air traffic control and is finally crossly asked by the controller, “What’s the matter with you, Speedbird 4372, haven’t you ever flown into Berlin before?” The pilot replies coolly, “Quite a few times in 1943, but I never landed.”
[/QUOTE]
The cloud bank that the mountain goat is in is classified as cumulo-granite.
A good landing is one you walk away from. A great landing is when they can use the airplane again.
There are three secrets to a perfect landing. No one knows what they are.
---
### Author:  [@Richard\_Pearse](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Richard_Pearse)
#### Post date: [April 26, 2008, 12:37am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/aviation-humor/446841/10 "2008-04-26T00:37:55Z")
_What’s the difference between a pilot and God?_
God doesn’t think he’s a pilot.
---
### Author:  [@Xema](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Xema)
#### Post date: [April 26, 2008, 4:29am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/aviation-humor/446841/11 "2008-04-26T04:29:24Z")
This is one of those ones that’s often claimed to be true, and indeed might be. At some busy airport, at a busy time of day, the following is heard on the ground control frequency:
Female controller: United 237, proceed along Taxiway Charlie, turn left at Taxiway Echo, hold short of runway 32.
Pilot of United Airlines Flight 237: Roger - um, we were a little fast there - it looks like we missed the left turn onto Echo.
Controller (obviously angry, speaking rapidly): United 237, do you realize how badly you’ve now screwed things up? I’ve got 11 aircraft on the ground here and you can’t do a simple thing like proceding to the active runway? Well you can now just sit there right where you are on Charlie until I’ve routed the other aircraft around you and then maybe we’ll see whether you can follow some simple instructions to get you out of here so things can finally get back to normal.
Pilot of one of the other 10 aircraft (after a short pause): Say - wasn’t I married to you once?
---
### Author:  [@mlees](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/mlees)
#### Post date: [April 26, 2008, 5:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/aviation-humor/446841/12 "2008-04-26T17:38:08Z")
Heh. Thanks for sharing, everybody!
I didn’t realise my OP was as old as the internet. 🙂 I’ll have to tell my dad to “get with it”.
---
### Author:  [@Johnny\_L.A](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Johnny_L.A)
#### Post date: [April 26, 2008, 5:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/aviation-humor/446841/13 "2008-04-26T17:51:03Z")
[QUOTE=mlees]
I didn’t realise my OP was as old as the internet. 🙂 I’ll have to tell my dad to “get with it”.
[/QUOTE]
Maybe older than that. I first saw it as a photocopy.
Past the point of no return the captain announces, ‘Ladies and gentlemen, we’ve experienced a problem with one of our engines. No need to worry though, as this aircraft is perfectly capable of flying on three engines. However we will be about 20 minutes late arriving at our destination.’ A pair of passengers look at each other and shrug.
Not long after, the pilot makes another announcement. ‘Ladies and gentlemen, I’m afraid we’ve had another problem and have had to shut down a second engine. But the aircraft will fly on two engines, so we’re perfectly fine. However we will be about 45 minutes late arriving at our destination.’ The two passengers look only mildly worried.
And then a third announcement: ‘Ladies and gentlemen, we’ve had to shut down another engine. Not to worry. We can continue on a single engine. But we’re going to be about an hour and a half late.’
One man looks at the other and says, ‘Damn! If that last engine goes, we’ll be up here all day!’
---
### Author:  [@Rick](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rick)
#### Post date: [April 26, 2008, 6:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/aviation-humor/446841/14 "2008-04-26T18:24:35Z")
Two more I just got in e mail
As the test pilot climbs out of the experimental aircraft, having torn
off the wings and tail in the crash landing, the crash truck arrives,
the rescuer sees a bloodied pilot and asks ‘What happened?’.
The pilot’s reply: ‘I don’t know, I just got here myself!’ -
Attributed to Ray Crandell (Lockheed test pilot)
Question- How far can this twin engine plane fly on one engine?
Answer- All the way to the scene of the accident.
---
### Author:  [@Johnny\_L.A](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Johnny_L.A)
#### Post date: [April 26, 2008, 6:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/aviation-humor/446841/15 "2008-04-26T18:29:23Z")
The F-15 pilot was escorting an aged B-52. Being a bit bored he started executing loops and rolls, never worried about being able to catch up to his lumbering charge. He got on the radio to boast to the BUFF pilot. ‘Ha! Anything you can do, I can do better!’ The bomber pilot replies, ‘Oh, yeah? Let’s see you do _this!_’ and keeps flying straight and level. The fighter jock asks, ‘Um… What did you do?’ The B-52 pilot says, ‘I just shut down two engines.’
---
### Author:  [@Tully\_Mars](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tully_Mars)
#### Post date: [April 26, 2008, 6:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/aviation-humor/446841/16 "2008-04-26T18:32:28Z")
[QUOTE=Johnny L.A.]
Pilot: Have you _ **ever** _ seen a runway so short?
Copilot: No, sir. but have you ever seen one so _wide?_
[/QUOTE]
I finally got around to reading a couple of books about Alaskan bush pilots that you recommended last summer.
One of them had an anecdote about a bush pilot that did just that. It was on an old military stip that was built wide for some reason. Rather than do a cross-wind landing, he just landed cross-runway.
---
### Author:  [@Johnny\_L.A](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Johnny_L.A)
#### Post date: [April 26, 2008, 6:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/aviation-humor/446841/17 "2008-04-26T18:39:38Z")
Which reminds me of a Bob Stevens cartoon…
Scene: A MATS bird way out over the big pond. An over-eager check pilot is ‘giving them hell’.
Check pilot (thinking): Heh. I’ll feather #3.
(He pushes the 'feather #3 button – never mind, it’s a cartoon.)
The flight engineer defiantly pushes the ‘feather #1’ button.
Flight Engineer: OK sir, it’s your turn again!
---
### Author:  [@Johnny\_L.A](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Johnny_L.A)
#### Post date: [April 26, 2008, 6:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/aviation-humor/446841/18 "2008-04-26T18:42:39Z")
[QUOTE=Tully Mars]
I finally got around to reading a couple of books about Alaskan bush pilots that you recommended last summer.
[/QUOTE]
Were those the Richard Proeneke books, the ones about the guy who homesteaded a place by a lake?
---
### Author:  [@OttoDaFe](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/OttoDaFe)
#### Post date: [April 27, 2008, 4:35am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/aviation-humor/446841/19 "2008-04-27T04:35:02Z")
“Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on 124.7.”
“Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way, as we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway.”
“Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on 124.7. Did you copy the report from Eastern?”
“Continental 635, cleared for takeoff . . . and yes, we copied Eastern and we’ve already notified our caterers.”
---
### Author:  [@movingfinger](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/movingfinger)
#### Post date: [April 27, 2008, 5:23am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/aviation-humor/446841/20 "2008-04-27T05:23:01Z")
A true story. When the hostages were released from Teheran in…whenever the hell it was…a TV interviewer asked one of them if he would ever go to Teheran again.
“Well,” he replied, “I wouldn’t mind flying over it in a B-52.”
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