# Aziz Ansari, Sexual assault allegations **URL:** \ **Category:** Cafe Society\ **Created:** [January 14, 2018, 4:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/aziz-ansari-sexual-assault-allegations/806606 "2018-01-14T16:22:32Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 13
**Author:** ![QuickSilver](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/quicksilver/32/7832_2.png) [@QuickSilver](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/QuickSilver)\ **Post date:** [January 16, 2018, 6:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/aziz-ansari-sexual-assault-allegations/806606/241 "2018-01-16T18:08:03Z")
> [@Happy\_Lendervedder](#): > > From the NY Times: [Aziz Ansari is guilty. Of not being a mind reader.](https://www.nytimes.com/2018/01/15/opinion/aziz-ansari-babe-sexual-harassment.html) > > The New York Times editor who wrote that was on Morning Joe this morning and essentially said: Bad sex does not equal assault. You might feel disgusted, mortified, embarrassed, gross, upset, regretful, remorseful, or shaken up afterward, but it does not mean you were assaulted, especially if you continue to hang around and participate in various sex acts. We’re getting the woman’s inner monologue, but presumably, she was pantsless (by her own doing or allowing), was allowing him to go down on her, she went down on him, and was not giving clear signals as to what she really wanted. He was acting obnoxious and entitled, yes, but if at any point she wasn’t in to it, she needs to leave. If at any point she says no, he needs to stop pestering. Neither of them did what they, as mature adults, should have done in this situation, but the fact that this botched hook-up is now being dissected globally shows her to be as obnoxious as him. (I mean, for fuck’s sake, she actually implied in her tell-all that she wasn’t given consent on the color of wine she drank at dinner.) > These two were \*both \*ham-handed and \*both \*immature, \*both \*seemingly unaware of how to proceed with this supposedly-adult encounter. This is not a #MeToo moment. If you learn nothing else in college, it’s to never ever allow yourself to be in this situation again. ---
**Author:** ![TriPolar](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/tripolar/32/3008_2.png) [@TriPolar](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TriPolar)\ **Post date:** [January 16, 2018, 6:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/aziz-ansari-sexual-assault-allegations/806606/242 "2018-01-16T18:12:38Z")
> [@adaher](#): > > but in her defense, people are unique. She was uncomfortable, she’s apparently not good at asserting herself, and he made it a miserable night. Again, not a capital offense, but I understand her anguish too. I’m not understanding the degree of anguish she expresses. She had to take the ‘walk of shame’, with much less shame than men and women often do. Yes, men take the ‘walk of shame’ also, waking up with a hangover and realizing who they were with last night and what they did. It sounds like she made up the anguish after the fact, talking to her friends, turning a bad date into a sexual assault in her own mind. This doesn’t seem like a healthy way to deal with mistakes to me. I suppose any of us are vulnerable to that, people generally don’t like to admit to their mistakes and would rather blame someone else. However, I see an active attempt to make the message “Your bad decisions are someone else’s fault” instead of “You made a mistake, take responsibility, learn from it, and don’t make that mistake again”. ---
**Author:** ![adaher](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/dec6dc/32.png) [@adaher](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/adaher)\ **Post date:** [January 16, 2018, 6:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/aziz-ansari-sexual-assault-allegations/806606/243 "2018-01-16T18:15:15Z")
Yeah, she made tons of mistakes here and I hope she learns from it rather than pulling that same act on a guy much worse than Aziz Ansari. ---
**Author:** ![Jophiel](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/jophiel/32/66_2.png) [@Jophiel](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Jophiel)\ **Post date:** [January 16, 2018, 6:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/aziz-ansari-sexual-assault-allegations/806606/244 "2018-01-16T18:45:22Z")
> [@adaher](#): > > but in her defense, people are unique. She was uncomfortable, she’s apparently not good at asserting herself, and he made it a miserable night. Again, not a capital offense, but I understand her anguish too. More to the point, not a story worth rushing to a global audience and inspiring of a million outrage-tweets except that the man involved happened to be famous. It’s a non-story capitalizing on someone’s fame and other women’s stories of real harassment/assault to drive page views. ---
**Author:** ![adaher](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/dec6dc/32.png) [@adaher](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/adaher)\ **Post date:** [January 16, 2018, 6:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/aziz-ansari-sexual-assault-allegations/806606/245 "2018-01-16T18:54:02Z")
Maybe for the publisher but I can’t really fault Grace. ---
**Author:** ![BeenJammin](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/beenjammin/32/448_2.png) [@BeenJammin](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BeenJammin)\ **Post date:** [January 16, 2018, 6:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/aziz-ansari-sexual-assault-allegations/806606/246 "2018-01-16T18:57:04Z")
Now let’s take a poll and see if there’s any consesus on who was the worst of the bad actors here. That should be quite interesting, and take no less than 10 pages of messageboard bickering… :rolleyes: ---
**Author:** ![Jophiel](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/jophiel/32/66_2.png) [@Jophiel](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Jophiel)\ **Post date:** [January 16, 2018, 6:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/aziz-ansari-sexual-assault-allegations/806606/247 "2018-01-16T18:59:35Z")
> [@adaher](#): > > Maybe for the publisher but I can’t really fault Grace. Pretty much. I’d like to think a more reputable outlet would have said “Sorry for your experience but there’s nothing here to work with” as opposed to some glorified blog jumping on it as their Big Break to get known. ---
**Author:** ![adaher](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/dec6dc/32.png) [@adaher](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/adaher)\ **Post date:** [January 16, 2018, 7:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/aziz-ansari-sexual-assault-allegations/806606/248 "2018-01-16T19:00:31Z")
I vote Ansari. It was hard not to put myself in her shoes despite being a man. “Hey, wanna screw?” “Hey, wanna screw?” “Where do you want me to screw you?” “Okay, let’s just watch TV.” “Now do you wanna screw?” ---
**Author:** ![BeenJammin](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/beenjammin/32/448_2.png) [@BeenJammin](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BeenJammin)\ **Post date:** [January 16, 2018, 7:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/aziz-ansari-sexual-assault-allegations/806606/249 "2018-01-16T19:11:04Z")
I vote the woman. Ansari was just doing the typical stupid horny male thing, which any reasonably well-adjusted female would have had no problem dealing with. OTOH, the woman made a big stink, wasting alot of people’s time and money, not to mention causing irreparable damage to an otherwise innocent man. ---
**Author:** ![Jophiel](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/jophiel/32/66_2.png) [@Jophiel](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Jophiel)\ **Post date:** [January 16, 2018, 7:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/aziz-ansari-sexual-assault-allegations/806606/250 "2018-01-16T19:14:29Z")
I’m sticking with the media outlet. I can’t judge between the people because all I have is the woman’s story as breathlessly recounted by an outlet with an obvious agenda. ---
**Author:** ![adaher](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/dec6dc/32.png) [@adaher](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/adaher)\ **Post date:** [January 16, 2018, 7:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/aziz-ansari-sexual-assault-allegations/806606/251 "2018-01-16T19:18:59Z")
Yeah they are the only real villains in this. She’s just a young lady barely into adulthood who needs to learn how to assert herself and he needs to stop thinking that because a lot of women want to hook up with him because he’s wealthy and famous that every woman is going to be into whatever he wants. From his perspective, it sure looks like a quick dinner and then back to his apartment to shag is what he expects, and probably what he gets 90% of the time. ---
**Author:** ![Sherrerd](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/sherrerd/32/8_2.png) [@Sherrerd](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sherrerd)\ **Post date:** [January 17, 2018, 12:10am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/aziz-ansari-sexual-assault-allegations/806606/252 "2018-01-17T00:10:36Z")
> [@DSeid](#): > > … Hook ups for recreational sex do happen all the time. Someone famous may be _more_ used to others interested in using them for a quick bout of recreational sex just for the thrill of having done the deed with someone famous. Attracted not to them but to their fame. … No doubt this does happen. But you’re not allowing for the likelihood of a crush on a star, in which the fan hopes for an actual relationship. I’d guess that’s more common than the groupie-style ‘I just want to be able to say I had contact with his bodily fluids’ wishes for one-time hookups, that you reference here. When it comes to an actor or actor/comedian (as opposed to a rock star), it seems more likely that a fan would crave a _relationship_–not just a brief hookup. ---
**Author:** ![pulykamell](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/pulykamell/32/3166_2.png) [@pulykamell](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/pulykamell)\ **Post date:** [January 17, 2018, 12:15am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/aziz-ansari-sexual-assault-allegations/806606/253 "2018-01-17T00:15:11Z")
> [@Jophiel](#): > > I’m sticking with the media outlet. I can’t judge between the people because all I have is the woman’s story as breathlessly recounted by an outlet with an obvious agenda. ^ definitely this. ---
**Author:** ![Chimera](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/8e8cbc/32.png) [@Chimera](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Chimera)\ **Post date:** [January 17, 2018, 12:23am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/aziz-ansari-sexual-assault-allegations/806606/254 "2018-01-17T00:23:02Z")
> [@Sherrerd](#): > > When it comes to an actor or actor/comedian (as opposed to a rock star), it seems more likely that a fan would crave a _relationship_–not just a brief hookup. > **[I was a comedy groupie](https://www.salon.com/2013/03/11/i_was_a_comedy_groupie/)** > > For three years, I exclusively dated (and slept with) professional funny men. It was hilarious -- and kinda tragic > **[Dane Cook: I’ve slept with hundreds of groupies](https://www.nydailynews.com/2014/10/17/dane-cook-ive-slept-with-hundreds-of-groupies/)** > > He’s not kidding. Dane Cook admitted to bedding hundreds of groupies after being cajoled into answering the personal question by “Watch What Happens L!ve’s” Andy Cohen. Unde… ---
**Author:** ![DSeid](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/dseid/32/20194_2.png) [@DSeid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DSeid)\ **Post date:** [January 17, 2018, 1:05am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/aziz-ansari-sexual-assault-allegations/806606/255 "2018-01-17T01:05:51Z")
> [@adaher](#): > > Yeah they are the only real villains in this. She’s just a young lady barely into adulthood who needs to learn how to assert herself and he needs to stop thinking that because a lot of women want to hook up with him because he’s wealthy and famous that every woman is going to be into whatever he wants. > > From his perspective, it sure looks like a quick dinner and then back to his apartment to shag is what he expects, and probably what he gets 90% of the time. She’s also a young woman who decided at this point in time to take out her frustration with an unsatisfactory celebrity hook up by having it published and accusing someone of “sexual assault.” This has been called “revenge porn” and that’s really what it is, and revenge for what? I cannot believe that this woman is naive or stupid enough to not know that her falsely accusing this celebrity of sexual assault right now was likely destroying his career. Communication is the key issue. Feeling violated because you’ve gone on a hook up and after having gotten naked with each other and having engaged in mutual heavy petting and oral sex with each other the other person keeps communicating what _they_ want after you’ve thought you’ve communicated you don’t want _that_ is a bit much. Going to the media with revenge porn because you didn’t like what they communicated and because you felt your desires and celebrity fantasies were not met well enough? Pretty low. The publisher? Don’t know from “Babe” but a digital rag doing what a digital rag does? Give a dog a hunk of meat and you really can’t blame them too much for the slobber. The recreational outrage social networkverse who are desperate for a next good public hangin’ to keep them entertained, nature of the “crime” be danged? No, murderer handy? Here’s someone who was rude and cut in front of a line! That’s murder too! Yeah they are up there as villains. They are the mob that drives this. Ansari is guilty of having a hook up that went poorly in which he and his “date” misread each other completely, but in how this has played out he is more a victim than a villain, and the only one who will experience lasting harm as a result. Let’s be very clear: what drove his being humiliated in the public sphere and the likely destruction of his career with a graphic recounting of a private consensual sexual encounter is precisely the fact that he is an effective feminist and public in the fight against abuse of power against women. If this was a report about Charlie Sheen no one would pay it any attention at all. The message to male celebrities? Be an advocate for feminist causes at your own great risk. Unless you think you’ve _never_ had a single encounter that a woman experienced as you not completely understanding her, you have reason to worry. ---
**Author:** ![Frylock](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/ce7236/32.png) [@Frylock](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Frylock)\ **Post date:** [January 17, 2018, 1:12am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/aziz-ansari-sexual-assault-allegations/806606/256 "2018-01-17T01:12:01Z")
> **[On Aziz Ansari And Sex That Feels Violating Even When It’s Not Criminal](https://www.huffpost.com/entry/aziz-ansari-sex-violating-but-not-criminal_n_5a5e445de4b0106b7f65b346)** > > If the #MeToo movement is going to last, we need to renegotiate the sexual narratives we’ve long accepted. Sent from my XT1575 using Tapatalk ---
**Author:** ![Martini\_Enfield](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/martini_enfield/32/11123_2.png) [@Martini\_Enfield](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Martini_Enfield)\ **Post date:** [January 17, 2018, 1:26am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/aziz-ansari-sexual-assault-allegations/806606/257 "2018-01-17T01:26:28Z")
> [@DSeid](#): > > Let’s be very clear: what drove his being humiliated in the public sphere and the likely destruction of his career with a graphic recounting of a private consensual sexual encounter is precisely the fact that he is an effective feminist and public in the fight against abuse of power against women. If this was a report about Charlie Sheen no one would pay it any attention at all. The message to male celebrities? Be an advocate for feminist causes at your own great risk. Unless you think you’ve _never_ had a single encounter that a woman experienced as you not completely understanding her, you have reason to worry. This is an excellent point. ---
**Author:** ![Ibn\_Warraq](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/e19b73/32.png) [@Ibn\_Warraq](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ibn_Warraq)\ **Post date:** [January 17, 2018, 1:29am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/aziz-ansari-sexual-assault-allegations/806606/258 "2018-01-17T01:29:46Z")
Several people have commented that this incident “destroyed his career” or words to that effect. I’ve seen no evidence of this and think such predictions are premature. ---
**Author:** ![Chimera](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/8e8cbc/32.png) [@Chimera](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Chimera)\ **Post date:** [January 17, 2018, 1:45am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/aziz-ansari-sexual-assault-allegations/806606/259 "2018-01-17T01:45:41Z")
I’d still like to see him playing Melania Trump on SNL. ---
**Author:** ![Martini\_Enfield](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/martini_enfield/32/11123_2.png) [@Martini\_Enfield](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Martini_Enfield)\ **Post date:** [January 17, 2018, 1:45am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/aziz-ansari-sexual-assault-allegations/806606/260 "2018-01-17T01:45:44Z")
> [@Ibn\_Warraq](#): > > Several people have commented that this incident “destroyed his career” or words to that effect. I’ve seen no evidence of this and think such predictions are premature. I agree “Destroyed his career” is probably going a bit far at this stage, but you can bet there’s going to be a lot of people who now have him mentally classifed as “A bit of a pushy creeper” or something like that, which is going to have an effect longer term. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/aziz-ansari-sexual-assault-allegations/806606.md?page=12) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/aziz-ansari-sexual-assault-allegations/806606.md?page=14)