# Baby on your doorstep, what do you do? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [June 6, 2016, 3:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/baby-on-your-doorstep-what-do-you-do/756659 "2016-06-06T15:08:56Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![John\_Mace](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/john_mace/32/185_2.png) [@John\_Mace](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/John_Mace)\ **Post date:** [June 6, 2016, 4:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/baby-on-your-doorstep-what-do-you-do/756659/21 "2016-06-06T16:32:57Z")
No brainer, as I am in NO WAY in a position to know how to deal with a baby. Call 911 immediately. ---
**Author:** ![RobDog](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/f07891/32.png) [@RobDog](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/RobDog)\ **Post date:** [June 6, 2016, 4:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/baby-on-your-doorstep-what-do-you-do/756659/22 "2016-06-06T16:34:44Z")
Check to see if note is written by “Sylvia”. ---
**Author:** ![BrotherCadfael](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/977dab/32.png) [@BrotherCadfael](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BrotherCadfael)\ **Post date:** [June 6, 2016, 4:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/baby-on-your-doorstep-what-do-you-do/756659/23 "2016-06-06T16:36:52Z")
> [@kayaker](#): > > Destroy note. > Call 911. This, exactly. ---
**Author:** ![Peremensoe](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/ce7236/32.png) [@Peremensoe](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Peremensoe)\ **Post date:** [June 6, 2016, 6:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/baby-on-your-doorstep-what-do-you-do/756659/24 "2016-06-06T18:13:13Z")
… ---
**Author:** ![panache45](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/panache45/32/64_2.png) [@panache45](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/panache45)\ **Post date:** [June 6, 2016, 6:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/baby-on-your-doorstep-what-do-you-do/756659/25 "2016-06-06T18:21:24Z")
Call my husband, “Honey, it’s for you!” ---
**Author:** ![saje](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/saje/32/3631_2.png) [@saje](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/saje)\ **Post date:** [June 6, 2016, 6:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/baby-on-your-doorstep-what-do-you-do/756659/26 "2016-06-06T18:24:58Z")
Panic. Call 911. Panic until help arrives. (I may be female but I don’t do babies in any way shape or form) ---
**Author:** ![HoneyBadgerDC](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/honeybadgerdc/32/1033_2.png) [@HoneyBadgerDC](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/HoneyBadgerDC)\ **Post date:** [June 6, 2016, 6:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/baby-on-your-doorstep-what-do-you-do/756659/27 "2016-06-06T18:48:49Z")
I am afraid my father instinct would kick in if I rescued an abondon baby. I would probably keep it until it hit the terrible twos and then set it on my neighbors door step. ---
**Author:** ![Drunky\_Smurf](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/drunky_smurf/32/449_2.png) [@Drunky\_Smurf](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Drunky_Smurf)\ **Post date:** [June 6, 2016, 6:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/baby-on-your-doorstep-what-do-you-do/756659/28 "2016-06-06T18:49:13Z")
> [@ZPG\_Zealot](#): > > Soylent Veal You would eat it? Ewwww, that’s gross. I would just murder it and then have sex with the body for the next couple of weeks. ---
**Author:** ![kanicbird](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/5f8ce5/32.png) [@kanicbird](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kanicbird)\ **Post date:** [June 6, 2016, 6:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/baby-on-your-doorstep-what-do-you-do/756659/29 "2016-06-06T18:59:28Z")
1 Observer surrounding 2 Take baby in and check for immediate need and anything else left. 3 Look at baby and have a conservation letting the baby know what has happened (as they may not understand those things of this world yet, but can sometimes make decisions as to their preference). 4 Would consider the Baby’s request and the practicalities, but would also google what is the legality in these situations (as we all know that google is the source of all law, from the beginning, as they created a time machine in the near future, which started all civilization which all laws were spawned, which gave rise to them). 5a,b,c,d, & e… Things diverge from here. ---
**Author:** ![Emtar\_KronJonDerSohn](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/58956e/32.png) [@Emtar\_KronJonDerSohn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Emtar_KronJonDerSohn)\ **Post date:** [June 6, 2016, 7:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/baby-on-your-doorstep-what-do-you-do/756659/30 "2016-06-06T19:49:24Z")
Give baby $100 and “how to be a man” talk, set free at bus station. Years later receive a bouquet of power tools and beer with a concise and powerful thank you note. ---
**Author:** ![Azeotrope](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/0ea827/32.png) [@Azeotrope](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Azeotrope)\ **Post date:** [June 6, 2016, 8:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/baby-on-your-doorstep-what-do-you-do/756659/31 "2016-06-06T20:02:59Z")
> [@saje](#): > > Panic. > Call 911. > Panic until help arrives. > > (I may be female but I don’t do babies in any way shape or form) This, plus extra panic and a hell of a lot of confusion, being female and asexual. ---
**Author:** ![Trinopus](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/2bfe46/32.png) [@Trinopus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Trinopus)\ **Post date:** [June 6, 2016, 8:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/baby-on-your-doorstep-what-do-you-do/756659/32 "2016-06-06T20:27:56Z")
> [@RivkahChaya](#): > > Call CPS. Good answer. > [@Nava](#): > > Call the emergency number . . . Better answer. > [@kayaker](#): > > Destroy note. > Call 911. Best answer! ---
**Author:** ![octopus](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/octopus/32/3716_2.png) [@octopus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/octopus)\ **Post date:** [June 6, 2016, 8:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/baby-on-your-doorstep-what-do-you-do/756659/33 "2016-06-06T20:34:46Z")
I’d keep it. It’d give me a reason to watch Thomas the Train again. ---
**Author:** ![ZPG\_Zealot](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/z/e47c2d/32.png) [@ZPG\_Zealot](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ZPG_Zealot)\ **Post date:** [June 6, 2016, 9:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/baby-on-your-doorstep-what-do-you-do/756659/34 "2016-06-06T21:03:21Z")
> [@Drunky\_Smurf](#): > > You would eat it? Ewwww, that’s gross. > > I would just murder it and then have sex with the body for the next couple of weeks. Who says “I” would eat it? I don’t particularly care for veal, but I know people who do, people that I really don’t like, but have to entertain from time-to-time. Sometimes Jonathan Swift makes a lot of sense. ---
**Author:** ![Johnny\_L.A](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/johnny_l.a/32/1084_2.png) [@Johnny\_L.A](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Johnny_L.A)\ **Post date:** [June 6, 2016, 9:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/baby-on-your-doorstep-what-do-you-do/756659/35 "2016-06-06T21:54:43Z")
Is anyone else reading the thread title to the tune of _Skip To My Lou_? ---
**Author:** ![nearwildheaven](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/90db22/32.png) [@nearwildheaven](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/nearwildheaven)\ **Post date:** [June 6, 2016, 9:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/baby-on-your-doorstep-what-do-you-do/756659/36 "2016-06-06T21:58:38Z")
> [@Me\_Billy](#): > > Bring baby in, check its temperature/diapers - see it is ok. > > Then call police. > > Then PLACE A TOWEL OVER MY SHOULDER before holding the baby and patting it on the back. (These creatures will spit all over you!) > > If the police had nowhere to take the baby (middle of night), I would offer to watch it until the next day. As an involuntarily celibate menopausal woman, it would be impossible for me to have a child and not know it. 😛 However, if a baby was left on my porch, I would call 911 and let the authorities deal with it. There are people who do emergency foster care, although chances are, the baby would go to the hospital first for a thorough checkup, and then the local news would be alerted in order to try and find at least one of the parents. ---
**Author:** ![Guinastasia](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/guinastasia/32/5751_2.png) [@Guinastasia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Guinastasia)\ **Post date:** [June 6, 2016, 10:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/baby-on-your-doorstep-what-do-you-do/756659/37 "2016-06-06T22:41:37Z")
Raise baby in a cupboard under the stairs and hope he doesn’t turn out to have magical powers. ---
**Author:** ![snfaulkner](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/snfaulkner/32/433_2.png) [@snfaulkner](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/snfaulkner)\ **Post date:** [June 6, 2016, 10:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/baby-on-your-doorstep-what-do-you-do/756659/38 "2016-06-06T22:49:00Z")
I’d recoil in horror just from hearing the doorbell ring. Then my two murderous and ravenous chihuahuas would yap their heads off and chase the trespasser off the property, ideally before leaving any babies. ---
**Author:** ![brainstall](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/35a633/32.png) [@brainstall](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/brainstall)\ **Post date:** [June 6, 2016, 10:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/baby-on-your-doorstep-what-do-you-do/756659/39 "2016-06-06T22:50:19Z")
Text boyfriend, who does not live with me. Have discussion about whether we’re going to keep the baby or the current foster dog, who we are both quite fond of. I’m not sure I’m up to coping with four dogs and an infant, and three of the dogs are permanent. Call my midwife friend. She’ll know what to do with a baby, because I sure don’t. Though she seems to be psychic about when things go awry with me and often calls out of the blue when I most need her. Call 911. ---
**Author:** ![Count\_Blucher](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/c5a1d2/32.png) [@Count\_Blucher](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Count_Blucher)\ **Post date:** [June 6, 2016, 11:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/baby-on-your-doorstep-what-do-you-do/756659/40 "2016-06-06T23:06:50Z")
39 posts and no one yet has said ‘[trebuchet](https://youtu.be/L1EAA7pkEJ4?t=278)’…? (…just kidding…) 🙂 [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/baby-on-your-doorstep-what-do-you-do/756659.md?page=1) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/baby-on-your-doorstep-what-do-you-do/756659.md?page=3)