# Baby on your doorstep, what do you do? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [June 6, 2016, 3:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/baby-on-your-doorstep-what-do-you-do/756659 "2016-06-06T15:08:56Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 5
**Author:** ![Lord\_Feldon](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/lord_feldon/32/341_2.png) [@Lord\_Feldon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lord_Feldon)\ **Post date:** [June 8, 2016, 9:40am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/baby-on-your-doorstep-what-do-you-do/756659/81 "2016-06-08T09:40:21Z")
> [@Kaio](#): > > I would sort of expect that just driving off and leaving the baby by itself might get you in trouble, especially since you’ve just told the dispatcher that you know it’s there. I don’t think it’s a _good idea_, but I’m not sure you’d get in trouble in most states. Random adults are only even mandatory reporters in a couple of states, and reporting is a pretty bare minimum thing to do. ---
**Author:** ![kayaker](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kayaker/32/441_2.png) [@kayaker](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kayaker)\ **Post date:** [June 8, 2016, 11:10am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/baby-on-your-doorstep-what-do-you-do/756659/82 "2016-06-08T11:10:24Z")
> [@Kaio](#): > > I would sort of expect that just driving off and leaving the baby by itself might get you in trouble, especially since you’ve just told the dispatcher that you know it’s there. > > Also, the police tend to be particular about being able to get your statement in person; at least they were in my case. They were pretty adamant the whole thing be taken care of right away, too – I couldn’t go home and come back tomorrow. > > You’d seriously leave a baby by itself outside? Dude, I have no great love for kids, but that’s just cold. I’m in Pennsylvania and I am pretty sure I’d be breaking no laws (unless destruction of the note were witnessed, which with my home setting it wouldn’t be). I was responding to someone who said he’d be stuck dealing with police questions for 5 or 6 hours and my hyperbole was to point out that that was not necessarily the case. Besides, it 75 degrees outside this morning, and a baby benefits from fresh air.😉 I once witnessed a violent altercation. I called 911 and gave the details of what was happening, but hung up immediately after reciting the facts. There are reasons people choose to minimize their involvement with the police. ---
**Author:** ![jtur88](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/e9c0ed/32.png) [@jtur88](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/jtur88)\ **Post date:** [June 8, 2016, 1:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/baby-on-your-doorstep-what-do-you-do/756659/83 "2016-06-08T13:07:25Z")
As far as I know, saying nothing and just keeping and raising the baby is a non-starter. You would have no documentation (e.g.birth certificate) with which to validate anything in the child’s life, such as going to school. As soon as you can no longer keep the baby hidden, Child Protective Services would be there in a minute, taking matters into their own hands. Various felony charges would accumulate, depending on how badly your county’s prosecuting attorney wanted to be governor. ---
**Author:** ![Doctor\_Jackson](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/doctor_jackson/32/32_2.png) [@Doctor\_Jackson](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Doctor_Jackson)\ **Post date:** [June 8, 2016, 1:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/baby-on-your-doorstep-what-do-you-do/756659/84 "2016-06-08T13:51:10Z")
First questions: 1. When did I get a doorstep? 2. What happened to the front porch? After reading note, first actions: 1. Google “spontaneous repair of 20 year old vasectomy” 2. Google “succubus instances in my hometown” because I do still dream about sex, so that is always a possibility. Well, if the spontaneous vasectomy healing happened first. 3. Google “spontaneously healed vasectomy spontaneously re-severing” because my wife isn’t pregnant Next actions: 3) Tell my wife “Funny story, but my vasectomy spontaneously healed and a succubus stole my sperm during a dream then the vasectomy re-severed itself which explains why we have had sex in the last year with no pregnancy and now we have a new baby.” 4) Call 911. Not for the baby, but for me 'cause by this time my wife would be beating the crap out of me with that lamp she always hated anyway. 5) After an ambulance ride, lengthy recuperation, vicious divorce, medical studies to determine how a 20 year old vasectomy spontaneously repairs and re-severs and stay in a mental institution for sticking with the succubus story, I am released to resume my life. With a permanent restraining order keeping me at least one continent away from my now ex and the child. Not that I’ve given this much thought. ---
**Author:** ![Septima](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/dc4da7/32.png) [@Septima](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Septima)\ **Post date:** [June 9, 2016, 11:15am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/baby-on-your-doorstep-what-do-you-do/756659/85 "2016-06-09T11:15:18Z")
Take baby inside, change diaper. Call authorities in the morning, then call my local source of gossip for the name of the mother. Berate husband for being a scatterbrain. Make sure mother is OK, mobilise support network if possible, and call in a welfare check. Keep the baby, why not. Ready made baby, no birth necessary, win-win. Make note to work out legal custody arrangement with mother once her treatment for PPD is progressing. ---
**Author:** ![Marine\_One](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/marine_one/32/3461_2.png) [@Marine\_One](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Marine_One)\ **Post date:** [June 9, 2016, 1:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/baby-on-your-doorstep-what-do-you-do/756659/86 "2016-06-09T13:38:17Z")
Put the dingos in another room? ---
**Author:** ![Pantastic](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/3bc359/32.png) [@Pantastic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Pantastic)\ **Post date:** [June 9, 2016, 1:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/baby-on-your-doorstep-what-do-you-do/756659/87 "2016-06-09T13:44:05Z")
> [@Kaio](#): > > I would sort of expect that just driving off and leaving the baby by itself might get you in trouble, especially since you’ve just told the dispatcher that you know it’s there. Under what law or legal theory, exactly? I don’t know of any state where you have an obligation to care for a baby simply because you know that it exists. If you take custody of a child then you’re responsible for the child, but a person can’t just force a stranger to take custody by leaving the kid laying around somewhere. You might could get in trouble if you just left the kid to it’s own devices, but by calling 911 you’ve alerted the authorities to potential danger and CPS can deal with it. > [@](#): > > You’d seriously leave a baby by itself outside? Dude, I have no great love for kids, but that’s just cold. Personally, I would see the baby left on the porch, close the door, and call 911 (I probably wouldn’t even see the note). I definitely wouldn’t touch the kid unless there was some imminent danger like a wild animal on the loose or the kid was in the rain. I don’t know a lot about babies and it would be easy for me to injure the kid, and I almost certainly would poison it if I tried to feed it (I don’t normally have any baby food or milk in the house). Also, because of the layout of my house, odds are I will either be at the door more quickly than the ringer can get out of the area, (my room is right by the front door) or will just assume it’s a Jehova’s witness or salesman and ignore them in hopes that they go away, leaving the baby unattended for hours unknowingly. ---
**Author:** ![RickJay](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/bb73d2/32.png) [@RickJay](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/RickJay)\ **Post date:** [June 9, 2016, 2:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/baby-on-your-doorstep-what-do-you-do/756659/88 "2016-06-09T14:06:21Z")
Ensure the baby’s safety and call the police. There was no one night stand, and even if there was, such a scenario is still likelier to be straight up abandonment. Not calling the police immediately could make me, even if somewhat unwittingly, the accessory to a criminal offense. ---
**Author:** ![Kaio](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/c68b51/32.png) [@Kaio](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kaio)\ **Post date:** [June 10, 2016, 4:38am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/baby-on-your-doorstep-what-do-you-do/756659/89 "2016-06-10T04:38:59Z")
> [@Pantastic](#): > > Personally, I would see the baby left on the porch, close the door, and call 911 (I probably wouldn’t even see the note). I definitely wouldn’t touch the kid unless there was some imminent danger like a wild animal on the loose or the kid was in the rain. I don’t know a lot about babies and it would be easy for me to injure the kid, and I almost certainly would poison it if I tried to feed it (I don’t normally have any baby food or milk in the house). Well, that’s exactly what I’m saying. I wouldn’t touch the kid, but if I call the police, then head off to the store and leave the kid unattended, if the child gets hurt before authorities get there who do you think will be first in line to answer some very pointed questions? No one knows who mom or dad is, remember. And in my experience saying “not my problem” when it comes to human babies doesn’t ever fly far, even in cases where it _shouldn’t_ be my problem. People absolutely lose their minds over babies. ---
**Author:** ![Siam\_Sam](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/d78d45/32.png) [@Siam\_Sam](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Siam_Sam)\ **Post date:** [June 10, 2016, 8:29am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/baby-on-your-doorstep-what-do-you-do/756659/90 "2016-06-10T08:29:17Z")
eBay! ---
**Author:** ![lorene](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/65b543/32.png) [@lorene](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/lorene)\ **Post date:** [June 11, 2016, 10:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/baby-on-your-doorstep-what-do-you-do/756659/91 "2016-06-11T22:56:22Z")
> [@Siam\_Sam](#): > > eBay! EBaby! ---
**Author:** ![Siam\_Sam](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/d78d45/32.png) [@Siam\_Sam](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Siam_Sam)\ **Post date:** [June 11, 2016, 11:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/baby-on-your-doorstep-what-do-you-do/756659/92 "2016-06-11T23:29:58Z")
I suppose “Fire up the barbie!” would be an inappropriate response. ---
**Author:** ![drewder](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/57b2e6/32.png) [@drewder](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/drewder)\ **Post date:** [June 12, 2016, 12:04am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/baby-on-your-doorstep-what-do-you-do/756659/93 "2016-06-12T00:04:21Z")
> [@Lord\_Feldon](#): > > I don’t think it’s a _good idea_, but I’m not sure you’d get in trouble in most states. Random adults are only even mandatory reporters in a couple of states, and reporting is a pretty bare minimum thing to do. Perhaps but once the da does a DNA test suddenly you may find your level of care required is a bit higher. ---
**Author:** ![moojja](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/e5b9ba/32.png) [@moojja](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/moojja)\ **Post date:** [June 12, 2016, 1:05am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/baby-on-your-doorstep-what-do-you-do/756659/94 "2016-06-12T01:05:23Z")
> [@drewder](#): > > Perhaps but once the da does a DNA test suddenly you may find your level of care required is a bit higher. But there’s a long list of people wanting to adopt a health baby. Once you establish paternity, and it’s official abandonment by the mother, it’ll be pretty easy to get rid of he/she. Depending on the moral of the adaption agency/lawyer, you might get some money out it too. ---
**Author:** ![Penfeather](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/penfeather/32/384_2.png) [@Penfeather](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Penfeather)\ **Post date:** [June 12, 2016, 1:08am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/baby-on-your-doorstep-what-do-you-do/756659/95 "2016-06-12T01:08:50Z")
Adopt her and raise her as our own. We could do with another. ---
**Author:** ![Spice\_Weasel](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/spice_weasel/32/5435_2.png) [@Spice\_Weasel](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Spice_Weasel)\ **Post date:** [June 12, 2016, 4:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/baby-on-your-doorstep-what-do-you-do/756659/96 "2016-06-12T16:19:10Z")
Steal the baby. Love it forever. ---
**Author:** ![PoppaSan](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/poppasan/32/189_2.png) [@PoppaSan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/PoppaSan)\ **Post date:** [June 12, 2016, 8:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/baby-on-your-doorstep-what-do-you-do/756659/97 "2016-06-12T20:57:14Z")
When did we get a doorbell? Our doorbell has fur and 4 feet. It barks or growls when anyone approaches the door. Doctor shut down my baby making equipment over a decade ago after the last one was born. Ain’t mine. Though the oldest three boys are in that age range. I do not recall any girls in the picture for any of them a year ago. The youngest boy was to young to drive at that time so he’s the only one that would cost me. I’d bring the foundling into the house as I called 911 to report it. If no one wants to claim it, I’d foster parent it. Been a while since we had a baby in the house. My daughter would drool over the babysitting opportunity, at least until it cut into her video time. ---
**Author:** ![Mama\_Zappa](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/71e660/32.png) [@Mama\_Zappa](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mama_Zappa)\ **Post date:** [June 13, 2016, 6:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/baby-on-your-doorstep-what-do-you-do/756659/98 "2016-06-13T18:53:39Z")
> [@Nava](#): > > Call the emergency number and, when the nice cops come to take a baby I have most definitely not fathered (biological impossibility, and I hope that if I’d mothered it I would have noticed), and give them the name of the asshole who lived in that flat before me. > > Dude left behind a mountain of unpaid bills and damage to several floors; baby is probably better off in someone else’s hands. My brother and his wife are trying to adopt, wonder if they could take this one? Heh - same with me (the girly bits anyway). In your case, you could “have had a home birth, just now getting around to registering for birth certificate” (or whatever is appropriate for where you’re living), the baby’s father was someone unknown during a lost weekend of partying, and you voluntarily surrender the baby to them to adopt. Obviously that only works if you are REALLY sure the baby’s true parent won’t ever show up, causing you to get in trouble for committing fraud… Back to the letter of the OP: If you truly had a one-night-stand last year and think it’s a real possibility, I’m not sure what to do - maybe talk to a lawyer re paternity testing. If you don’t want to raise the baby, you can probably surrender it for adoption though these days that would require both parents to consent, and a “you take it, I can’t handle it” is probably insufficient to prove consent. ---
**Author:** ![Nava](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/da6949/32.png) [@Nava](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Nava)\ **Post date:** [June 13, 2016, 7:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/baby-on-your-doorstep-what-do-you-do/756659/99 "2016-06-13T19:33:30Z")
> [@Mama\_Zappa](#): > > In your case, you could “have had a home birth, just now getting around to registering for birth certificate” (or whatever is appropriate for where you’re living), the baby’s father was someone unknown during a lost weekend of partying, and you voluntarily surrender the baby to them to adopt. I had a checkup back in January… would the docs be surprised. Plus there’s no way my birthing equipment looks like it’s been recently used for its intended purpose. ---
**Author:** ![flatlined](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/eb9ed0/32.png) [@flatlined](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/flatlined)\ **Post date:** [June 13, 2016, 11:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/baby-on-your-doorstep-what-do-you-do/756659/100 "2016-06-13T23:21:22Z")
Scream. Run away and hide under the bed while letting husband call 911. We are both incapable of having children and I have zero maternal instincts. Babies scare the crap out of me, whenever someone asks me if I want to hold theirs I always panic because I’m afraid I will break it. But…if it was a kitten? MINE!!! [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/baby-on-your-doorstep-what-do-you-do/756659.md?page=4) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/baby-on-your-doorstep-what-do-you-do/756659.md?page=6)