# Back together after an affair, advice? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [February 10, 2012, 4:50am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/back-together-after-an-affair-advice/612383 "2012-02-10T04:50:15Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![Ambivalid](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/a5b964/32.png) [@Ambivalid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ambivalid)\ **Post date:** [February 10, 2012, 8:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/back-together-after-an-affair-advice/612383/21 "2012-02-10T20:47:10Z")
> [@Labrador\_Deceiver](#): > > He gave no such impression. Your lack of imagination automatically interpreted “she had an epiphany” as “she took me back”. While it may be accurate, it’s a damn stupid assumption. > > Oh, and nobody gives a damn if you “walk it back” or not. We’re not all waiting with baited breath for your uninformed pronouncement. You might not have been left with that impression, but I was. And I didn’t imply her epiphany as “she took me back”. Rather, she cheated (for whatever reason), had an epiphany as to why the marriage was worth salvaging, and went _back to him_. Where was he in all of this? ---
**Author:** ![IvoryTowerDenizen](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ivorytowerdenizen/32/17937_2.png) [@IvoryTowerDenizen](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/IvoryTowerDenizen)\ **Post date:** [February 10, 2012, 9:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/back-together-after-an-affair-advice/612383/22 "2012-02-10T21:00:53Z")
> [@Ambivalid](#): > > You might not have been left with that impression, but I was. And I didn’t imply her epiphany as “she took me back”. Rather, she cheated (for whatever reason), had an epiphany as to why the marriage was worth salvaging, and went _back to him_. Where was he in all of this? Deciding whether or not to stay in his marriage? Why would you assume he had no role in that? Why would you assume he’s a doormat, with no indication one way or another? I think most people assume the OP is a functioning adult who made a choice to stay in his marriage after “effective communication and an epiphany (on her part)”. Obviously she realized something very important and they had effective communication about it to make him want to try again. ---
**Author:** ![Qadgop\_the\_Mercotan](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/qadgop_the_mercotan/32/83_2.png) [@Qadgop\_the\_Mercotan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Qadgop_the_Mercotan)\ **Post date:** [February 11, 2012, 1:02am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/back-together-after-an-affair-advice/612383/23 "2012-02-11T01:02:53Z")
> [@Saintly\_Loser](#): > > the thing you have to do is avoid the understandable temptation to bring it up over and over, to talk it to death. Even if you don’t mean it that way, it will come across as trying to punish her, to make her pay. And that won’t work. > > It’s over. Bury it. Forget it. It never happened. It’s you and her, and you’re choosing to be together. I agree that it should not be brought up over and over. But the right answer is not necessarily to _never_ mention it again. There are times when one must communicate honestly with the other about certain issues, and if there are forbidden topics, that doesn’t bode well for most couples. ---
**Author:** ![Ambivalid](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/a5b964/32.png) [@Ambivalid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ambivalid)\ **Post date:** [February 11, 2012, 1:14am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/back-together-after-an-affair-advice/612383/24 "2012-02-11T01:14:50Z")
> [@IvoryTowerDenizen](#): > > Deciding whether or not to stay in his marriage? > > Why would you assume he had no role in that? Why would you assume he’s a doormat, with no indication one way or another? > > I think most people assume the OP is a functioning adult who made a choice to stay in his marriage after “effective communication and an epiphany (on her part)”. Obviously she realized something very important and they had effective communication about it to make him want to try again. I didn’t assume he had no role, I questioned what his role was. Based on what was written in the OP, it appeared _to me_ as though he should be the one arriving at an epiphany regarding his wife’s infidelity and it’s impact on the value of their marriage, rather than; or in addition to, his wife arriving at one of her own. But he makes no mention of his role in this process. He just mentions _her_ infidelity and _her_ epiphany in regards to their reconciliation. His only mention of himself comes as references to his self-examination following the affair. ---
**Author:** ![Farmer\_Jane](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/bbe5ce/32.png) [@Farmer\_Jane](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Farmer_Jane)\ **Post date:** [February 11, 2012, 1:29am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/back-together-after-an-affair-advice/612383/25 "2012-02-11T01:29:39Z")
I think you need to figure out if a) you can forgive her b) what she has to do to earn your trust c) how to build new memories and d) if you are doing this because you’d rather just not be alone. Either way, it CAN be done and I wish you all the best. \<3 ---
**Author:** ![PandaBear77](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/edb3f5/32.png) [@PandaBear77](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/PandaBear77)\ **Post date:** [February 11, 2012, 6:27am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/back-together-after-an-affair-advice/612383/26 "2012-02-11T06:27:55Z")
I’ve seen people rebuild after infidelity. Affairs are pretty shitty but there are worse things spouses can do to each other IMHO. I hope everything works out well for you and the Mrs. ---
**Author:** ![Beastly\_Rotter](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/45deac/32.png) [@Beastly\_Rotter](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Beastly_Rotter)\ **Post date:** [February 11, 2012, 10:28am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/back-together-after-an-affair-advice/612383/27 "2012-02-11T10:28:32Z")
> [@Ambivalid](#): > > If he’d like to provide more information, I might be inclined to walk back my remarks. That’s ambulist. ---
**Author:** ![handsomeharry](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/e9c0ed/32.png) [@handsomeharry](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/handsomeharry)\ **Post date:** [February 11, 2012, 11:54am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/back-together-after-an-affair-advice/612383/28 "2012-02-11T11:54:19Z")
> [@Labrador\_Deceiver](#): > > He gave no such impression. Your lack of imagination automatically interpreted “she had an epiphany” as “she took me back”. While it may be accurate, it’s a damn stupid assumption. > > Oh, and nobody gives a damn if you “walk it back” or not. We’re not all waiting with baited breath for your uninformed pronouncement. That’s unbelievably rude, **Labrador Deceiver.** And, as a matter of fact, the OP did give the impression that you are disclaiming. “An epiphany on her part…led to the reconciliation.” No, that IS 'She took me back." OP is lying down. That’s his business, of course, but \*\*Ambivaled \*\*has a fair grasp of the situation, IMHO. ---
**Author:** ![handsomeharry](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/e9c0ed/32.png) [@handsomeharry](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/handsomeharry)\ **Post date:** [February 11, 2012, 11:58am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/back-together-after-an-affair-advice/612383/29 "2012-02-11T11:58:15Z")
> [@Maastricht](#): > > The more I read threads like these, the more I scratch my head at the heavy, heavy stress many Americans put on adultery. Some of the comments seem to imply that the spouse who forgives adultery should lose all (self) respect. I think that is harmfull bullshit, stemming from an unhealthy mix of machoness “sexual honour is good” and prudism “sexual indulgence is evil”. > > There are many, many things that can be more important to a marriage succeeding, then sexual fidelity or lack thereof. I would rather that my husband keep his promises about doing chores, yet French kiss a co-worker on the mouth in the broom closet at the Christmas office party, then if he left the co-worker alone yet did all chores “when I get around to doing them”. > > So to the OP; do you want to try and get back together? Does she want to? Then go for it. If I can recommend one very practical book, that deals with adultery but also with other matters, it would be [this one](http://http://www.amazon.com/Good-Leave-Stay-Step---Step/dp/0452275350/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1328879910&sr=8-1). > > Good luck, **Peter Doubt** and wife. Something tells me that the OP was about more than a French kiss at an office party. I am sensing oral and genital congress. Does your international largesse account for the same in return for getting the chores done? And, where in the world does ‘machoness’ come in? Is it only tyrannical males that have been the victims of adultery? ---
**Author:** ![handsomeharry](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/e9c0ed/32.png) [@handsomeharry](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/handsomeharry)\ **Post date:** [February 11, 2012, 12:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/back-together-after-an-affair-advice/612383/30 "2012-02-11T12:10:14Z")
> [@Acsenray](#): > > Are you kidding? Two people are trying to rebuild their relationship here. Human relationships are not black-and-white matters, and given that infidelity is one of the most common failings of human beings, a lot of people find themselves in the position of trying to figure out whether a relationship is important enough to try to get through this kind of trouble. > > Frankly, the SDMB is the worst place to post about problems, especially relationship and work problems, because every single time you have packs of wolves salivating and shouting “dump the bastard/bitch!” or “just find a new job!” > > Do these people really not live in the real world? I think that you are wrong about the SDMB being the worst place to post about problems. Too many people say that. Then, they’ll try to send them to some retard ‘counsellor’ who will take a lot of their money, and the marriage will be no better than without counselling. The counsellor will just tell them ‘dump the bastard/bitch’ or not. The SDMB is 100% equal to that chore. And, the people that advise the jettisoning of a relationship do, too, too much, live in the real world. They know how people are, and they also know that most people don’t change, and a straying spouse, coming back with their heart on their sleeves, is only temporary. ---
**Author:** ![Cicero](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cicero/32/3594_2.png) [@Cicero](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cicero)\ **Post date:** [February 11, 2012, 12:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/back-together-after-an-affair-advice/612383/31 "2012-02-11T12:21:58Z")
> [@Ambivalid](#): > > “He’ll let me do what I want and just roll over”? That could have been phrased better. ---
**Author:** ![shijinn](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/cc9497/32.png) [@shijinn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/shijinn)\ **Post date:** [February 11, 2012, 12:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/back-together-after-an-affair-advice/612383/32 "2012-02-11T12:28:26Z")
the intricacies of a relationship is too complex to lay out in a few short posts. most likely the OP will just find posts supporting his own position and take comfort in it or learn about alternatives that didn’t occur to him. i don’t think anyone is being swayed by the fervent posts if they aren’t inclined to do so already. ---
**Author:** ![IvoryTowerDenizen](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ivorytowerdenizen/32/17937_2.png) [@IvoryTowerDenizen](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/IvoryTowerDenizen)\ **Post date:** [February 11, 2012, 12:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/back-together-after-an-affair-advice/612383/33 "2012-02-11T12:40:06Z")
> [@handsomeharry](#): > > That’s unbelievably rude, **Labrador Deceiver.** And, as a matter of fact, the OP did give the impression that you are disclaiming. > “An epiphany on her part…led to the reconciliation.” No, that IS 'She took me back." OP is lying down. That’s his business, of course, but \*\*Ambivaled \*\*has a fair grasp of the situation, IMHO. I disagree. You snipped the “effective communication” bit from the OP, which certainly implies work on both their parts. You certainly can see how it could mean that she came to some understanding about her behavior and they talked effectively about it and now the OP is prepared to try. Then again, not. But to immediately assume that it means (and only means) she took him back and the OP just rolled over is a lot of reading into it. ---
**Author:** ![Acsenray](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/acsenray/32/4519_2.png) [@Acsenray](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Acsenray)\ **Post date:** [February 11, 2012, 12:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/back-together-after-an-affair-advice/612383/34 "2012-02-11T12:42:51Z")
> [@handsomeharry](#): > > And, the people that advise the jettisoning of a relationship do, too, too much, live in the real world. Not when they’re posting this crap. People don’t create lasting relationships in the real world with a “just dump his/her ass” attitude. In the real world, things are complex, difficult, and take compromise and acceptance. > [@](#): > > They know how people are, and they also know that most people don’t change, and a straying spouse, coming back with their heart on their sleeves, is only temporary. Then they don’t know anything but cliches and stereotypes and haven’t left their basements in years. ---
**Author:** ![Labrador\_Deceiver](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/7c8e57/32.png) [@Labrador\_Deceiver](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Labrador_Deceiver)\ **Post date:** [February 11, 2012, 3:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/back-together-after-an-affair-advice/612383/35 "2012-02-11T15:25:27Z")
> [@handsomeharry](#): > > That’s unbelievably rude, **Labrador Deceiver.** And, as a matter of fact, the OP did give the impression that you are disclaiming. > “An epiphany on her part…led to the reconciliation.” No, that IS 'She took me back." OP is lying down. That’s his business, of course, but \*\*Ambivaled \*\*has a fair grasp of the situation, IMHO. Every sentence in this post is nonsense. ---
**Author:** ![IvoryTowerDenizen](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ivorytowerdenizen/32/17937_2.png) [@IvoryTowerDenizen](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/IvoryTowerDenizen)\ **Post date:** [February 11, 2012, 5:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/back-together-after-an-affair-advice/612383/36 "2012-02-11T17:48:45Z")
> [@Ambivalid](#): > > I didn’t assume he had no role, I questioned what his role was. Based on what was written in the OP, it appeared _to me_ as though he should be the one arriving at an epiphany regarding his wife’s infidelity and it’s impact on the value of their marriage, rather than; or in addition to, his wife arriving at one of her own. But he makes no mention of his role in this process. He just mentions _her_ infidelity and _her_ epiphany in regards to their reconciliation. His only mention of himself comes as references to his self-examination following the affair. If that was you meant, but > [@Ambivalid](#): > > So she cheated on you, you two broke up, she had an _epiphany_; now you’re back together? What was this epiphany? “He’ll let me do what I want and just roll over”? this what you said, perhaps you have a disconnect over how strongly judgmental and aggressive you sound. And FWIW, of course she could be the one who had the epiphany- her epiphany could very well be the affair was solely her fault, she hurt him deeply etc, was finally able to realize and communicate that and it formed a foundation where they could begin to heal. ---
**Author:** ![Maastricht](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/a88e57/32.png) [@Maastricht](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Maastricht)\ **Post date:** [February 11, 2012, 6:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/back-together-after-an-affair-advice/612383/37 "2012-02-11T18:24:43Z")
> [@raspberry\_hunter](#): > > If I knew my husband were investing the _time_ in another woman needed to have an affair, I’d be really upset. The sex would be secondary. Or possibly tertiary. > > **Maastricht** , let’s put it this way. If your husband were having an affair, wouldn’t you wonder if maybe he was complimenting that other woman and doing things with her and in general doing all the things that you wish he did with you? Wouldn’t that bother you? Nope. Let me clarify. Yes, Dutch and Scandinavian culture[is far less “macho”](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showpost.php?p=11148997&postcount=27) then American, English, and Mediterranian cultures are. The first time I was in an open relationship, I loved my husband very much and he was always very careful and open in the few secondary relatiosnhips he had. So was I. Most importantly, we had no kids and plenty of time. Nowadays, I’m at the opposite point. I just wish my husband would go away. I’m not jealous if he spends time with another woman. In fact, I encouraged him to go on a dating site for single moms, which he did, and he did go and fix her computer for one of those ladies. In that case, I wasn’t jealous because he is good with fixing computers at home, too. I get all my computer fixing needs met already. I am not jealous that he will spend quality time with her, because my rule is he can only see her if he takes our toddler with him, and he isnt fun to do fun things with anyway. He’s quite dull, actually. So I did not get my husband quality time needs met, anyway. So I can’t lose, really. I would love it if he left me and got into a relationship with that lady. Unfortunately, I don’t see it happen. But I still applaud it because everybody wins. I win, because I get alone me time. He wins, because he gets a woman impressed over his chivalrous computer fixing skills. Our toddler wins because he gets to play with the ladies daughter, and they get along well. And the lady wins becaus she gets to flirt and have her computer fixed by a free expert. ---
**Author:** ![dangermom](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e274bd/32.png) [@dangermom](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/dangermom)\ **Post date:** [February 11, 2012, 6:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/back-together-after-an-affair-advice/612383/38 "2012-02-11T18:39:17Z")
But, see, that kind of implies that you want a divorce. Most people who disapprove of the idea of their spouses committing adultery do so because they are pretty fond of their partners and want to stay married. You don’t seem that fond of your husband, so your confusion over “American” attitudes doesn’t seem to be due so much to cultural differences as the fact that you personally would not care if your husband had an affair. Unless you’re trying to say that all Dutch people have boring marriages and want out? 😕 ---
**Author:** ![Ambivalid](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/a5b964/32.png) [@Ambivalid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ambivalid)\ **Post date:** [February 11, 2012, 6:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/back-together-after-an-affair-advice/612383/39 "2012-02-11T18:40:40Z")
> [@Cicero](#): > > That could have been phrased better. I agree completely. I apologize for my poor wording and insensitivity here. ---
**Author:** ![mhendo](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/mhendo/32/3159_2.png) [@mhendo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/mhendo)\ **Post date:** [February 11, 2012, 7:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/back-together-after-an-affair-advice/612383/40 "2012-02-11T19:59:03Z")
> [@Maastricht](#): > > The first time I was in an open relationship… But this is the crux of the matter here. The OP, as far as i can tell, is _not_ in an open relationship. I have absolutely no problem with open relationships. I’m not sure i’d ever want to be in one myself, but it seems that they work fine for some people. If everyone involved knows the score, and is a willing participant in the open relationship, that’s great. As i said in my previous post, when it comes to love and sex and relationships, anything that consenting adults want to do with one another is fine with me. But in a relationship where monogamy and exclusivity are assumed going in, it is a betrayal for one partner to have a sexual and emotional relationship with a third party. It’s not just about the sex, and it’s not about some notion of American “prudery” that you seem fixated on; it’s about trust and honesty in the relationship. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/back-together-after-an-affair-advice/612383.md?page=1) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/back-together-after-an-affair-advice/612383.md?page=3)