# Back together after an affair, advice? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [February 10, 2012, 4:50am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/back-together-after-an-affair-advice/612383 "2012-02-10T04:50:15Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 18\ **Page:** 3
**Author:** ![KneeSid](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/dec6dc/32.png) [@KneeSid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/KneeSid)\ **Post date:** [February 11, 2012, 8:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/back-together-after-an-affair-advice/612383/41 "2012-02-11T20:32:47Z")
It can be done if the person who was cheated on can really get past it. Some people can’t and that’s fine as long as you’re not kidding yourself. Look at Hillary Clinton, I recall a reading how some women didn’t like her when she was running for president, because she didn’t dump Bill. I think it did hurt her in some ways politically. Of course if she did dump him, she would have gotten it from the other side ---
**Author:** ![Maastricht](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/a88e57/32.png) [@Maastricht](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Maastricht)\ **Post date:** [February 11, 2012, 9:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/back-together-after-an-affair-advice/612383/42 "2012-02-11T21:02:14Z")
Okay, Okay, the two things are separately true. Adultery is taken much more serious in the US then in the Netherlands. In the US is it quite likely to cause divorce; here, it is quite likely to cause a big fight, and that is about it. Of course the personal mileace may vary wildly. The second thing that is true is that I’m bummed about my marriage, but that doesn’t make the above thing less true. Third thing is that I wish the OP luck and that I still recommend the book I recommended. :: leaves thread :: ---
**Author:** ![handsomeharry](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/e9c0ed/32.png) [@handsomeharry](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/handsomeharry)\ **Post date:** [February 11, 2012, 9:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/back-together-after-an-affair-advice/612383/43 "2012-02-11T21:21:37Z")
> [@Acsenray](#): > > Not when they’re posting this crap. People don’t create lasting relationships in the real world with a “just dump his/her ass” attitude. If we were talking about \*creating \*(your words) no they don’t. That’s not what is at issue. Creating a lasting relationship doesn’t usually or effectively attach an affair to it, which is why the recommendations of kicking one to the curb are used. This isn’t a creation scenario-it is an _evaluate/repair_ type of thing. The ones who advise a dump are the ones that understand that some (all?) affairs mean the \*end \*of a relationship, (or a repetition of the bad behavior)and any further investment is throwing good money after bad. I believe that statistics would back up that the majority of infidelities are irreparable. ( I said “I believe.” I don’t have the inclination to look it up.) ---
**Author:** ![handsomeharry](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/e9c0ed/32.png) [@handsomeharry](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/handsomeharry)\ **Post date:** [February 11, 2012, 9:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/back-together-after-an-affair-advice/612383/44 "2012-02-11T21:24:46Z")
> [@Labrador\_Deceiver](#): > > Every sentence in this post is nonsense. Well, this is logic at it’s finest! ---
**Author:** ![Labrador\_Deceiver](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/7c8e57/32.png) [@Labrador\_Deceiver](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Labrador_Deceiver)\ **Post date:** [February 11, 2012, 9:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/back-together-after-an-affair-advice/612383/45 "2012-02-11T21:36:27Z")
> [@handsomeharry](#): > > Well, this is logic at it’s finest! I had more typed, but realized that multiple people had already pointed out your errors. Everybody wins. Speaking of logic, how does one believe in statistics and claim ignorance at the same time? ---
**Author:** ![Lightlystarched](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/eb8c5e/32.png) [@Lightlystarched](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lightlystarched)\ **Post date:** [February 11, 2012, 11:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/back-together-after-an-affair-advice/612383/46 "2012-02-11T23:42:57Z")
Dh and I recovered our marriage after an affair. I highly recommend the blog “Married Man Sex Life”. Our marriage is in fantastic shape now. Last night we went out for the 24 year anniversary of our first meeting. ---
**Author:** ![ShelliBean](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/f9ae1b/32.png) [@ShelliBean](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ShelliBean)\ **Post date:** [February 12, 2012, 1:09am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/back-together-after-an-affair-advice/612383/47 "2012-02-12T01:09:18Z")
First, make sure your reasoning for wanting to get back together is that you want to be in a marriage with one another, not because you want to prove how much better you are now that you are thinner and wiser or because you want to punish her or because she wants to prove she’s not a bad person or wants to punish herself. I don’t say that as a character assassination of either of you, just possibilities that could come up without you realizing that is the reason. Since you said you guys have been seeing counselors separately and together, I can assume this has been addressed. Second - two very good pieces of paired advice upthread: don’t use it to punish her for every little thing (“You forgot to buy toilet paper? Yeah, just like you forgot your were married while you were blowing Jeremy, too, I bet.”) Also, _don’t make it the thing that must never be spoken of again_. Both of these have been addressed upthread. If you make the affair the elephant in the room, then guess what? You have got yourself a vicious elephant (aside: why do I always type \*viscous \*at first? That’s one elephant defying the laws of physics). You may need something as silly as a “code word” or a shorthand way to let the other know you are venturing into raw territory. Do you remember that you were watching Titanic when you discovered the affair? So when she flips on Titanic and you start to get twitchy (because of the memory, not because of your totally rational hatred of James Cameron) you need to say “bad memory” or “the great unpleasantness” or “papa hates water!” or anything y’all decide so that you can take a moment to regroup instead of sitting there, stewing, hating James Cameron, then blowing up at her for forgetting the popcorn cheese powder _just one more goddamn time_. Finally - do your friends and family know why you were separated? If they do, you are going to have to sack up and tell them you are getting back together and don’t wanna hear no shit about it. OK, you don’t have to be unpleasant. But you do need to be braced for all the “duuuuuuude…” you are going to get. And be ready to look your family and best buds in the eye and say “This is my wife and we will deal with it ourselves. If you can’t be around her let me know now.” And some guys may not be ready to accept her back because they remember you crying in the fetal position hugging your wedding photos and sucking your thumb. The more of that they saw the longer it may take them to like her again. I assume your kids didn’t witness any of that and have no idea how to deal with that. The fact that you are paying people to guide you means there are much, much more qualified people than I to help you with that. 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![DigitalC](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/ebca7d/32.png) [@DigitalC](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DigitalC)\ **Post date:** [February 12, 2012, 1:32am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/back-together-after-an-affair-advice/612383/48 "2012-02-12T01:32:41Z")
> [@Maastricht](#): > > Okay, Okay, the two things are separately true. Adultery is taken much more serious in the US then in the Netherlands. In the US is it quite likely to cause divorce; here, it is quite likely to cause a big fight, and that is about it. Of course the personal mileace may vary wildly. I don’t get this at all. Not sleeping with anyone else is basically the whole point. Otherwise you are just roomates and occasional fuck buddies. ---
**Author:** ![storyteller0910](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ecae2f/32.png) [@storyteller0910](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/storyteller0910)\ **Post date:** [February 12, 2012, 2:00am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/back-together-after-an-affair-advice/612383/49 "2012-02-12T02:00:21Z")
> [@DigitalC](#): > > Not sleeping with anyone else is basically the whole point. Speak for yourself. It’s _not_ the “whole point” of my marriage. It is a _part_ of my marriage, but not the whole or even the most critical point. I would find it unbelievably depressing if it were. ---
**Author:** ![astro](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/9dc877/32.png) [@astro](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/astro)\ **Post date:** [February 12, 2012, 2:35am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/back-together-after-an-affair-advice/612383/50 "2012-02-12T02:35:23Z")
> [@Peter\_Doubt](#): > > Very helpful site, and the books too. We were separated for 5 months and went through quite a bit of counseling together and alone. I lost 90 pounds (it was excess, now at a healthy weight) , started running, started taking care of myself overall. Don’t want to wallow in the details any more, I never stopped loving her. She’s here for me and understands that I’m rebuilding myself as we are building our new relationship. From this post the OP sounds more or less like he was big lump of morbidly obese suet before she cheated on him, and as part of the working it out process he got motivated to get in better shape. If I was close to 100 lbs overweight and my wife cheated on me I think I’d be willing to shoulder a pretty big chunk of the blame for her straying. I’ve been fat and I’ve been in shape. Trying to maintain or enjoy a sexual relationship ship with a hugely fat spouse is a very difficult thing to do on multiple levels. ---
**Author:** ![Ambivalid](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/a5b964/32.png) [@Ambivalid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ambivalid)\ **Post date:** [February 12, 2012, 3:46am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/back-together-after-an-affair-advice/612383/51 "2012-02-12T03:46:46Z")
Quote: Originally Posted by Peter Doubt Very helpful site, and the books too. We were separated for 5 months and went through quite a bit of counseling together and alone. I lost 90 pounds (it was excess, now at a healthy weight) , started running, started taking care of myself overall. Don’t want to wallow in the details any more, I never stopped loving her. She’s here for me and understands that I’m rebuilding myself as we are building our new relationship. > [@astro](#): > > From this post the OP sounds more or less like he was big lump of morbidly obese suet before she cheated on him, and as part of the working it out process he got motivated to get in better shape. > > If I was close to 100 lbs overweight and my wife cheated on me I think I’d be willing to shoulder a pretty big chunk of the blame for her straying. I’ve been fat and I’ve been in shape. Trying to maintain or enjoy a sexual relationship ship with a hugely fat spouse is a very difficult thing to do on multiple levels. If I were 100lbs overweight, I would shoulder the responsiblity for being _overweight_ but that doesn’t mean I should hold myself responsible for my wife breaking the trust we’d worked decades towards strengthening. This is a husband and a wife; not a boyfriend and a girlfriend. ---
**Author:** ![astro](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/9dc877/32.png) [@astro](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/astro)\ **Post date:** [February 12, 2012, 4:07am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/back-together-after-an-affair-advice/612383/52 "2012-02-12T04:07:14Z")
> [@Ambivalid](#): > > Quote: > Originally Posted by Peter Doubt > Very helpful site, and the books too. We were separated for 5 months and went through quite a bit of counseling together and alone. I lost 90 pounds (it was excess, now at a healthy weight) , started running, started taking care of myself overall. Don’t want to wallow in the details any more, I never stopped loving her. She’s here for me and understands that I’m rebuilding myself as we are building our new relationship. > > If I were 100lbs overweight, I would shoulder the responsiblity for being _overweight_ but that doesn’t mean I should hold myself responsible for my wife breaking the trust we’d worked decades towards strengthening. This is a husband and a wife; not a boyfriend and a girlfriend. IMO letting yourself completely go into a grotesque pile of wattled flesh is a violation (in spirit) of your marriage vows. If you eat yourself into a state of morbid obesity you are quite probably essentially unilaterally destroying a part of why your SO liked you in the first place. Illnesses can’t be helped, but obesity can. I’m not sure why a unilateral decision to let yourself go should get a pass as a “no harm, no foul” thing for one spouse to do to another. ---
**Author:** ![Ambivalid](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/a5b964/32.png) [@Ambivalid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ambivalid)\ **Post date:** [February 12, 2012, 5:32am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/back-together-after-an-affair-advice/612383/53 "2012-02-12T05:32:43Z")
> [@astro](#): > > IMO letting yourself completely go into a grotesque pile of wattled flesh is a violation (in spirit) of your marriage vows. If you eat yourself into a state of morbid obesity you are quite probably essentially unilaterally destroying a part of why your SO liked you in the first place. Illnesses can’t be helped, but obesity can. I’m not sure why a unilateral decision to let yourself go should get a pass as a “no harm, no foul” thing for one spouse to do to another. The dynamics of a relationship are interwoven and not black and white. I’m sure his weight gain wasn’t exclusive from the marital issues facing them both prior to the affair. Who says his wife didn’t play some role in his weight gain; albeit indirectly? ---
**Author:** ![raindog](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/2bfe46/32.png) [@raindog](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/raindog)\ **Post date:** [February 12, 2012, 5:45am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/back-together-after-an-affair-advice/612383/54 "2012-02-12T05:45:25Z")
> [@Maastricht](#): > > The more I read threads like these, the more I scratch my head at the heavy, heavy stress many Americans put on adultery. Some of the comments seem to imply that the spouse who forgives adultery should lose all (self) respect. I think that is harmfull bullshit, stemming from an unhealthy mix of machoness “sexual honour is good” and prudism “sexual indulgence is evil”. > > There are many, many things that can be more important to a marriage succeeding, then sexual fidelity or lack thereof. I would rather that my husband keep his promises about doing chores, yet French kiss a co-worker on the mouth in the broom closet at the Christmas office party, then if he left the co-worker alone yet did all chores “when I get around to doing them”. > > So to the OP; do you want to try and get back together? Does she want to? Then go for it. If I can recommend one very practical book, that deals with adultery but also with other matters, it would be [this one](http://http://www.amazon.com/Good-Leave-Stay-Step---Step/dp/0452275350/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1328879910&sr=8-1). > > Good luck, **Peter Doubt** and wife. You’d be happier if he was diddling the help as long as he took out the trash without badgering? :smack: From a guy who’s decidedly un-patriotic, this post makes me both proud and relieved to be American. Talk about scratching one’s head… ---
**Author:** ![Tristan](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/tristan/32/18058_2.png) [@Tristan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tristan)\ **Post date:** [February 12, 2012, 6:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/back-together-after-an-affair-advice/612383/55 "2012-02-12T18:09:59Z")
My wife cheated, emotionally, but not physically. Not for lack of trying on her part, but hers and his timing didn’t work out quite right for them. The first sign was my wife saying she wanted a divorce. A bunch of red flags went up. I did some rather illicit snooping, and uncovered chat logs and whatnot. We talked. We talked a lot, about the things that she didn’t like about me. WE discussed the things I didn’t like about her. About 9 months later, she said she was really afraid she was making a mistake, and asked me not to go. I told her that I had never wanted to go in the first place. We are working on issues. The only strong thing that I demanded out of all this was that she not talk to the guy anymore, at all. And I still have trust issues. Our marriage is strong than it has been in years. But it is a hard road. Honest communication, even if what you will say is painful, is probably the most key thing. Good luck. ---
**Author:** ![handsomeharry](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/e9c0ed/32.png) [@handsomeharry](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/handsomeharry)\ **Post date:** [February 21, 2012, 7:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/back-together-after-an-affair-advice/612383/56 "2012-02-21T19:20:34Z")
> [@Labrador\_Deceiver](#): > > I had more typed, but realized that multiple people had already pointed out your errors. Everybody wins. > Speaking of logic, how does one believe in statistics and claim ignorance at the same time? ???😕 ---
**Author:** ![fjs1fs](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/9e8a1a/32.png) [@fjs1fs](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/fjs1fs)\ **Post date:** [February 22, 2012, 3:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/back-together-after-an-affair-advice/612383/57 "2012-02-22T15:46:38Z")
> [@Saintly\_Loser](#): > > I’ve been there. > > So here’s the one piece of advice I have to offer. > > It’s over, right? So it’s over. She’s got stuff she has to do, sure, but the thing you have to do is avoid the understandable temptation to bring it up over and over, to talk it to death. Even if you don’t mean it that way, it will come across as trying to punish her, to make her pay. And that won’t work. > > It’s over. Bury it. Forget it. It never happened. It’s you and her, and you’re choosing to be together. Until it happens again! ---
**Author:** ![fjs1fs](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/9e8a1a/32.png) [@fjs1fs](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/fjs1fs)\ **Post date:** [February 22, 2012, 3:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/back-together-after-an-affair-advice/612383/58 "2012-02-22T15:52:13Z")
> [@Maastricht](#): > > Nope. > > Let me clarify. > Yes, Dutch and Scandinavian culture[is far less “macho”](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showpost.php?p=11148997&postcount=27) then American, English, and Mediterranian cultures are. > > The first time I was in an open relationship, I loved my husband very much and he was always very careful and open in the few secondary relatiosnhips he had. So was I. Most importantly, we had no kids and plenty of time. > > Nowadays, I’m at the opposite point. I just wish my husband would go away. I’m not jealous if he spends time with another woman. In fact, I encouraged him to go on a dating site for single moms, which he did, and he did go and fix her computer for one of those ladies. > In that case, I wasn’t jealous because he is good with fixing computers at home, too. I get all my computer fixing needs met already. I am not jealous that he will spend quality time with her, because my rule is he can only see her if he takes our toddler with him, and he isnt fun to do fun things with anyway. He’s quite dull, actually. So I did not get my husband quality time needs met, anyway. > So I can’t lose, really. I would love it if he left me and got into a relationship with that lady. Unfortunately, I don’t see it happen. But I still applaud it because everybody wins. I win, because I get alone me time. He wins, because he gets a woman impressed over his chivalrous computer fixing skills. Our toddler wins because he gets to play with the ladies daughter, and they get along well. And the lady wins becaus she gets to flirt and have her computer fixed by a free expert. What you have there, Maastricht is not what most of us (American or not) would define as a marriage. No wonder infidelity doesn’t bother you–you don’t even LIKE your husband! [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/back-together-after-an-affair-advice/612383.md?page=2)