# Backwoods Wedding Invitations **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [May 25, 2004, 8:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/backwoods-wedding-invitations/247049 "2004-05-25T20:13:27Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![screech-owl](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/82dd89/32.png) [@screech-owl](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/screech-owl)\ **Post date:** [May 26, 2004, 1:44am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/backwoods-wedding-invitations/247049/21 "2004-05-26T01:44:18Z")
> [@Elysian](#): > > Bear Nipples…hee hee! Hell, I kept reading “Napples” as “Nappies”. Kept picturing Koda and Kenai waddling around in Luvs. ---
**Author:** ![Etherman](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/958977/32.png) [@Etherman](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Etherman)\ **Post date:** [May 26, 2004, 1:56am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/backwoods-wedding-invitations/247049/22 "2004-05-26T01:56:48Z")
> [@Bear\_Nenno](#): > > And yes. Provided I have nothing else going on that day, I will attend. After all, she’s :gasp: family, and since my brother cant go, I’ll have to represent the Napples!! You do realize we now expect a full report the next day, with pictures? I dare ya to mispell her name on the card/gift. And to something suggestive. And yeah, I read that as nipples too. ---
**Author:** ![Bear\_Nenno](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/bear_nenno/32/3358_2.png) [@Bear\_Nenno](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bear_Nenno)\ **Post date:** [May 26, 2004, 2:01am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/backwoods-wedding-invitations/247049/23 "2004-05-26T02:01:06Z")
> [@violacrane](#): > > I’ve fixed my location so you can make the right kind of assumptions about where I’m coming from now 😃 . I did think you showed yourself up rather, especially in the last couple of paragraphs, which sounded snobbish and mean spirited, but if it’s all in good fun then I suppose YMMV and all that. Ah… so I wasn’t being proper. The Queen would be so pissed if she found out. 😉 But in a nice way, of course. No I wasn’t trying to be mean spirited, though maybe a little snobbish. I don’t mind the invitations being the way they are. I really couldn’t possibly care less. Had I been upset or mad or something, this would be in the pit. I just figured everyone else would get the same chuckle from this as I did. But yes, YMMV. Now enough of this foolishness!! Theys gonna be a weddin damit! ---
**Author:** ![Bear\_Nenno](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/bear_nenno/32/3358_2.png) [@Bear\_Nenno](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bear_Nenno)\ **Post date:** [May 26, 2004, 2:27am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/backwoods-wedding-invitations/247049/24 "2004-05-26T02:27:05Z")
> [@Etherman](#): > > You do realize we now expect a full report the next day, with pictures? > > I dare ya to mispell her name on the card/gift. And to something suggestive. > > And yeah, I read that as nipples too. LOL! I was just talking with my sister – you know, Jackie Napples – about taking a whole bunch of pictures and posting them. Just thinking of the photos I’d end up with had us both cracking up. Yes, if I can make it, I will go. If for no other reason than to get a good laugh. And share that laughter with the world. 8 kids, all in the ceremony… that’s a shit load of flower petals!! And what’s a bride to wear when she has 8 kids in her wedding? Why, white of course! Oh… get this. My mom – you know, Steave’s ole lady – was reminding me of a conversation she had with my cousin. I forget exactly how exactly they got on the topic, but it ended with the bride-to-be saying, “No we’re not gonna do it like that. At Chucks first weddin, his mom was so drunk she fell down and broke her arm.” So, apparantly, there won’t be any mandatory standing at this wedding, especially when the bride walks down the isle. It’s just too dangerous to have 200 drunk people try to stand up that fast. Mispelling her name… suggestively. Great idea. I was going to show up with a name tag that said “Mr. BearNapples”. And if I could convince a girl to go with me (one Im not trying to impress), I would introduce her as “Mrs. Napples”. But now I will also have to get a card and mispell her name. So you guys can help me think of variations of Nowukunski (her maiden name), and/or Oringer (her name-to-be). Oh god! Whoreinger, Whorefinger, OralGinger… NowSomeKuntPlease, KnowaKuntski… Now you try. ---
**Author:** ![Rilchiam](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/2bfe46/32.png) [@Rilchiam](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rilchiam)\ **Post date:** [May 26, 2004, 2:35am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/backwoods-wedding-invitations/247049/25 "2004-05-26T02:35:14Z")
> [@Bear\_Nenno](#): > > Yes, she is 19 (maybe 20). She has 8 kids, three of them hers and she is marrying a 30 something year old deadbeat. So who are the 5 kids that aren’t hers? > [@](#): > > “Backyard Reception to Following at Chuck’s Home” Was there a map, or is it understood that everyone knows who Chuck is and how to get to his place? [Jeff Foxworthy]“Turn off the _paved_ road…”[/JF] All kidding aside, something about this would be sticky, regardless of who was sending the invitations or where the reception would be. The fact that she got every one of your names wrong in some way gives me the impression that she’s not really close with you guys, doesn’t keep in regular contact, and this is basically a gift-grab for her. ---
**Author:** ![Bambi\_Hassenpfeffer](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/bbe5ce/32.png) [@Bambi\_Hassenpfeffer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bambi_Hassenpfeffer)\ **Post date:** [May 26, 2004, 2:40am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/backwoods-wedding-invitations/247049/26 "2004-05-26T02:40:00Z")
> [@Bear\_Nenno](#): > > I’ve been called many bad things by all sorts of people. Yeah, but that’s because you’re a jackass. 😉 To the mods – I kid! I know him! I swear! ---
**Author:** ![CaveMike](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cavemike/32/16379_2.png) [@CaveMike](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CaveMike)\ **Post date:** [May 26, 2004, 2:43am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/backwoods-wedding-invitations/247049/27 "2004-05-26T02:43:35Z")
So what in all tarnation do you get the lucky bride and groom that has dag-near everything (including 8 kids)? ---
**Author:** ![Ashkicker](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/4bbf92/32.png) [@Ashkicker](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ashkicker)\ **Post date:** [May 26, 2004, 2:53am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/backwoods-wedding-invitations/247049/28 "2004-05-26T02:53:58Z")
Birth control. ---
**Author:** ![Bear\_Nenno](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/bear_nenno/32/3358_2.png) [@Bear\_Nenno](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bear_Nenno)\ **Post date:** [May 26, 2004, 3:41am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/backwoods-wedding-invitations/247049/29 "2004-05-26T03:41:07Z")
> [@Rilchiam](#): > > So who are the 5 kids that aren’t hers? His. > [@](#): > > The fact that she got every one of your names wrong in some way gives me the impression that she’s not really close with you guys, doesn’t keep in regular contact, and this is basically a gift-grab for her. Pretty much. I saw her on Easter during a family thing at the park. Before that, I don’t remember the last time I saw or talked to her. My mom talks to them occassionally on the phone. She tries to be a good oldest sister and does her best to keep in touch with her brothers and sister. The bride’s mom is her sister. Which explains how they spelled Schiedenhelm correctly. How does one spell that name, and spell “Steve” wrong??? Anyway, one day my mom was on the phone catching up with her sister. The bride-to-be was over there and said “Is that Aunt Joy on the phone? Tell her my babies need new shoes!” Not “Hi”, “I miss you”, “How are you!”, “Hope to see you at my wedding”… not even an attempt at a pleasantry! My mother will bring old hand-me-downs and stuff to them whenever she visits. Though she doesn’t visit often, she puts forth an effort to do so. She cares a lot about “family”. She thinks it’s very important and is always the one organizing family gatherings on Easter and stuff. But when she _does_ visit, she’ll usually bring some second-hand close or toys and such. She’ll even go out and buy them extra things they need. Somehow the parents can find money for booze, but none for necessities!? Anyway, so I guess she views my mom as the “person who will bring me stuff”, instead of “my aunt”. On Easter, my brother explained how he and Jackie Napples would be in New York City on that day, so they wouldn’t be able to come. She said they should cancel! Because nothing could be more important than her wedding! She _is_ after lots of gifts. From me, she’ll get a nice card addressed to some variation of “Orwinger” and signed “With Love, Bear Napples”. But, I don’t want to get into that… people might become too sad to laugh. And this is damn funny! And regardless of the number of visits, how many times must you see your sister face-to-face to remember her freakin name? And during the most recent Easter, she passed around A PAPER PLATE OF ALL THINGS for everyone to write his/her name and address on. Obviously she must have needed that fine china for good eatin on a later occassion. Because not only did she not have the names right, she sent all our invitations to my mother’s house for her to distribute. ---
**Author:** ![Rilchiam](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/2bfe46/32.png) [@Rilchiam](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rilchiam)\ **Post date:** [May 26, 2004, 3:45am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/backwoods-wedding-invitations/247049/30 "2004-05-26T03:45:06Z")
> [@Bear\_Nenno](#): > > His. I figured. I was going to say, “Well, if he has his kids, he’s not really a deadbeat”, but as you point out below, custody != responsibility. > [@](#): > > Anyway, one day my mom was on the phone catching up with her sister. The bride-to-be was over there and said “Is that Aunt Joy on the phone? Tell her my babies need new shoes!” Not “Hi”, “I miss you”, “How are you!”, “Hope to see you at my wedding”… not even an attempt at a pleasantry! We need the jaw-dropping smiley. > [@](#): > > From me, she’ll get a nice card addressed to some variation of “Orwinger” and signed “With Love, Bear Napples”. Good for you! > [@](#): > > And during the most recent Easter, she passed around A PAPER PLATE OF ALL THINGS for everyone to write his/her name and address on. Obviously she must have needed that fine china for good eatin on a later occassion. Because not only did she not have the names right, she sent all our invitations to my mother’s house for her to distribute. We **really** need the jaw-dropping smiley. ---
**Author:** ![Bear\_Nenno](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/bear_nenno/32/3358_2.png) [@Bear\_Nenno](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bear_Nenno)\ **Post date:** [May 26, 2004, 4:02am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/backwoods-wedding-invitations/247049/31 "2004-05-26T04:02:31Z")
> [@Bambi Hassenpfeffer](#): > > Yeah, but that’s because you’re a jackass. 😉 You know… _you_ could come as my signifigant other, Bambi Napples. Kin folk might not rightly take kindly to you though. They wouldn’t appreciate me bringing **Eve** , either. But they’d never be able to tell. Have you seen her pictures!? I think she has dibs on the role of Mrs. Bear Napples. What covered dish would you bring to the Backyard Reception, anyway? ---
**Author:** ![cichlidiot](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/5f9b8f/32.png) [@cichlidiot](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/cichlidiot)\ **Post date:** [May 26, 2004, 11:48am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/backwoods-wedding-invitations/247049/32 "2004-05-26T11:48:07Z")
I think my favorite part of this thread so far is, “Steave.” I’m still laughing. Not sure which covered dish I’d bring, but I have a good [grocery list](http://www.netherworldnews.com/food0513.html) for ideas. ---
**Author:** ![BiblioCat](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/ed8c4c/32.png) [@BiblioCat](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BiblioCat)\ **Post date:** [May 26, 2004, 12:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/backwoods-wedding-invitations/247049/33 "2004-05-26T12:10:19Z")
So, what are you gonna wear? Your good t-shirt, the one printed to look like a tuxedo? 😛 ---
**Author:** ![swampbear](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/swampbear/32/467_2.png) [@swampbear](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/swampbear)\ **Post date:** [May 26, 2004, 12:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/backwoods-wedding-invitations/247049/34 "2004-05-26T12:23:08Z")
**BearNapples** (and you are changing your name to this right?) since this is a weddin’ reecepshun, I think you need a finger food as a covered dish. That being said, I offer you: Vienna Sausage Sweet and Sour Rollups. Vienna Sausages (it’s up to you to figure out how many cans you need in relation to the bread) 1 loaf of light bread 1 jar of mustard 1 jar of grape jelly Them fancy toothpicks with the little colored paper on the ends of em. Cuz this is fancy. Cut the crusts off the light bread. (Like I said this is fancy.) Cut each piece of light bread in half long wise. Spread a layer of mustard, then a layer of jelly on each half. Take one vienna sausage and roll up the bread around it. Stick in one of them fancy toothpicks. Makes a right mess of rollups. Use one of them plastic colored plates to carry em on. Remember this is for a weddin’ recepshun, so it’s fancy! If you take this, the cuzins will line up for miles waitin’ their turn to propose marriage to ya. In the absence of a pukey smiley: :eek: ---
**Author:** ![Sauron](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ce7236/32.png) [@Sauron](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sauron)\ **Post date:** [May 26, 2004, 2:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/backwoods-wedding-invitations/247049/35 "2004-05-26T14:00:49Z")
I think you have to take chitlins as your covered dish. Get fancy, too – take the stump-spanked kind. ---
**Author:** ![yellowval](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/y/919ad9/32.png) [@yellowval](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/yellowval)\ **Post date:** [May 26, 2004, 3:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/backwoods-wedding-invitations/247049/36 "2004-05-26T15:30:09Z")
Thank you, **BearNapples**. Because of you, I will have the Dixie Chicks’ “White Trash Wedding” in my head all day. Here, let me share … \*You can’t afford no ring You can’t afford no ring I shouldn’t be wearing white and you can’t afford no ring You finally took my hand You finally took my hand It took a nip of gin But you finally took my hand You can’t afford no ring You can’t afford no ring I shouldn’t be wearing white and you can’t afford no ring. \* Perhaps you could request this song at the backyard “recepshun” at Chuck’s? Or buy them the CD as a wedding gift? ---
**Author:** ![Ethilrist](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ethilrist/32/4604_2.png) [@Ethilrist](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ethilrist)\ **Post date:** [May 26, 2004, 3:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/backwoods-wedding-invitations/247049/37 "2004-05-26T15:48:38Z")
I recall Miss Manners’ response to, “How do you respond when invited to the wedding of two people who already have several children?” “High time.” ---
**Author:** ![racinchikki](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/eada6e/32.png) [@racinchikki](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/racinchikki)\ **Post date:** [May 26, 2004, 5:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/backwoods-wedding-invitations/247049/38 "2004-05-26T17:56:28Z")
We have some really backwoods invitations come through our store sometimes. A few weeks ago we did typesetting on invitations that were to a combination wedding shower and baby shower. They listed the decor of every room in their house (living room: red white and blue, texas flags; kitchen: red, chickens; master bedroom: bandannas, blue; nursery: american flags + teddy bears) and announced in large letters that they were registered at Walmart. ---
**Author:** ![ioioio](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ioioio/32/316_2.png) [@ioioio](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ioioio)\ **Post date:** [May 26, 2004, 6:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/backwoods-wedding-invitations/247049/39 "2004-05-26T18:12:54Z")
At least they’re not spending money feeding their wedding guests when their children need shoes. **BearNapples,** Can you get a look at their Walmart registration list? I’d love to know exactly what they’ve registered for. Is Bug Zapper on the list? ---
**Author:** ![GrizzRich](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/7ba0ec/32.png) [@GrizzRich](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/GrizzRich)\ **Post date:** [May 26, 2004, 6:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/backwoods-wedding-invitations/247049/40 "2004-05-26T18:35:03Z")
> [@BiblioCat](#): > > So, what are you gonna wear? Your good t-shirt, the one printed to look like a tuxedo? 😛 I’ve _GOT_ one of those! Can I come to the wedding?! Oh PLEASE?!?!!? \ [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/backwoods-wedding-invitations/247049.md?page=1) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/backwoods-wedding-invitations/247049.md?page=3)