# Backwoods Wedding Invitations **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [May 25, 2004, 8:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/backwoods-wedding-invitations/247049 "2004-05-25T20:13:27Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 4
**Author:** ![DoctorJ](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/doctorj/32/2904_2.png) [@DoctorJ](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DoctorJ)\ **Post date:** [May 26, 2004, 11:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/backwoods-wedding-invitations/247049/61 "2004-05-26T23:00:03Z")
I cannot, however, say much about registering at Wal-Mart, since most of our registry was there and at Sears. It was mostly tools; I have some fairly high-dollar taste in kitchen hardware, and our families would have balked. I was afraid that if I put an $80 chef’s knife on my list, someone would have ignored it and bought me a whole set of knives at Big Lots for $24.95–“and they never need to be sharpened!” (Someone did end up getting us this very set of knives this past Christmas.) However, I trust just about anyone in either of our families to pick out quality tools. Go figure. ---
**Author:** ![swampbear](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/swampbear/32/467_2.png) [@swampbear](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/swampbear)\ **Post date:** [May 26, 2004, 11:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/backwoods-wedding-invitations/247049/62 "2004-05-26T23:02:05Z")
> [@DoctorJ](#): > > We got an in-vite once to what was clearly described on the invitation as a “Wedding and Pig Roast”. I thought it sounded like a damn good idea, myself. > > Bad poetry is a staple of the redneck wedding. When one of my friends got married (it was a bit classier than the OP, but the reception did feature fried chicken from Hardee’s), there was bad, poorly-scanning poetry on just about every available surface. > > I used to play the piano at weddings when I was growing up in Asscrack, KY, and I can assure you that the drunken redneck brawl is a vast improvement over the standard wedding in that part of the country. That wedding features a brief, entirely unoriginal service at the church, followed by a reception at the fellowship hall with cake, those little mints, a punch made of Hawaiian Punch, 7-up, and lime sherbet (no booze–they’re good Baptists, you see), and absolutely no one having a good time. Give me a pig in the ground, some beer on ice, and all my rowdy friends any day of the week. **DoctorJ** in my neck of the south, if said Baptist wedding reception did not include cheese straws the couple was not legally married. Oh and if the happy couple were real renegades, they’d put :eek: **orange and lime** sherbert in the punch. :eek: The radicals! Now, a wedding reception and pig pickin’? Those folks know how to throw down! 😃 ---
**Author:** ![teela\_brown](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/d9b06d/32.png) [@teela\_brown](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/teela_brown)\ **Post date:** [May 26, 2004, 11:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/backwoods-wedding-invitations/247049/63 "2004-05-26T23:28:05Z")
[Miz Beaver from Pogo] I mind the time me and mister got hitched. Land! Hootin’ and hollowin’ was a dime a dozen. They wasn’t a dry eye in the house - mainly because the sheriffs waded in with the tear gas. [/Miz Beaver from Pogo] ---
**Author:** ![Bear\_Nenno](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/bear_nenno/32/3358_2.png) [@Bear\_Nenno](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bear_Nenno)\ **Post date:** [May 27, 2004, 1:04am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/backwoods-wedding-invitations/247049/64 "2004-05-27T01:04:52Z")
**racinchikki** , professional invitations? Fancy!!! At least these were not hand written. They were made on a color printer. I don’t know who “Leeann” is, but her name is on the back of all the invitations. “created with love by leeann” I hope she replaced her ink, though. It was obviously going out on mine. The black letters are looking a bit like faded purple… **lainaf** , Great Idea!I am so going to see if they are registered, now! I’ll get a print out and share. **GrizzRich** , Holy Crap! I might just have to borrow that!! Would you consider lending it to me? I’ll mail it back, promise. You all are hilarious!! I am going to go out of my way to make this wedding now!! I am going to go with loads of film!! This will be great! Oh, Jackie Napples showed me a picture of the bride-to-be from Easter. She is definitely a poster women for Mom of the Year. Nothing says “responsible parent” like a barefoot teenaged mom, cigarette in mouth, holding a filthy little child!! I’ll be getting that one scanned for you guys. It is now my goal to take a picture that far exceeds the recent booze drinking bride photo! I dont think it will be too hard. ---
**Author:** ![swampbear](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/swampbear/32/467_2.png) [@swampbear](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/swampbear)\ **Post date:** [May 27, 2004, 1:24am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/backwoods-wedding-invitations/247049/65 "2004-05-27T01:24:34Z")
> [@Bear\_Nenno..err Napples](#): > > She is definitely a poster women for Mom of the Year. Nothing says “responsible parent” like a barefoot teenaged mom, cigarette in mouth, holding a filthy little child!! [Trailer Trash Barbie] Daddy says Ahm the best kisser in the county![/Trailer Trash Barbie] ---
**Author:** ![DoctorJ](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/doctorj/32/2904_2.png) [@DoctorJ](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DoctorJ)\ **Post date:** [May 27, 2004, 2:10am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/backwoods-wedding-invitations/247049/66 "2004-05-27T02:10:16Z")
> [@](#): > > DoctorJ in my neck of the south, if said Baptist wedding reception did not include cheese straws the couple was not legally married. Cheese straws? That’s high-falutin’! Most of the spreads I was subjected to included cake, punch, those abhorrent mints, and, to balance the sweetness with some salt, a bowl of peanuts. I had probably been to twenty or thirty weddings before I went to one that included booze and dancing and such. I didn’t quite know what to think. ---
**Author:** ![screech-owl](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/82dd89/32.png) [@screech-owl](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/screech-owl)\ **Post date:** [May 27, 2004, 2:28am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/backwoods-wedding-invitations/247049/67 "2004-05-27T02:28:53Z")
[Four Yorkshiremen] Oh, we would have killed for a redneck wedding! [/Four Yorkshiremen] You folks are lucky. Our family had the same weddings, just changed the people: [ul] [li] Overlong ceremony (bonus if the vows were also said in Polish or Russian, depending on the side of the family)[/li][li] Ceremony in the Church Hall or the local ethnic club (Polish, Tyrol, etc).[/li][li] Chicken and green beans dinner[/li][li] Polka band, including an accordianist[/li][li] Polka dancing[/li][li] Dollar dance (easy way to get extra cash out of the attendees, beyond what was in the cards)[/li][li] More Polka dancing[/li][li] Top part of wedding cake (the part on the pillars) falls over [I only knocked the table once! I swear! And I was 5, okay!?) But someone always bumped the table at every wedding, and SPLORTCH!! went the cake.][/li][li] Men disappear into the private “Men’s Clubroom” (no wimmen or kids allowed) for beer, cigars, and dirty jokes, or they went to the bowling alley (attached to the church hall).[/li][li] Still more Polka dancing[/li][li] Someone steps on the bride’s veil or dress, yanking her backwards almost on her ass. Usually during a Polka.[/li][li] Polka dancing ends after the 8th rendition of “Beer Barrel Polka”, “In Heaven There Is No Beer”, and a bunch of song titles that I can say but not spell out, since they are in Polish.[/li][/ul] ---
**Author:** ![Zoe](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/z/a4c791/32.png) [@Zoe](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Zoe)\ **Post date:** [May 27, 2004, 2:53am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/backwoods-wedding-invitations/247049/68 "2004-05-27T02:53:24Z")
> [@](#): > > On Easter, my brother explained how he and Jackie Napples would be in New York City on that day, so they wouldn’t be able to come. She said they should cancel! Because nothing could be more important than her wedding! She is after lots of gifts. You must remind your brother and Jackie that in polite backwoods society, skipping out on the wedding doesn’t mean you get to forego the gift. How about getting wallpaper samples from the paint store and hand decorating roach motels? You can never have too many of those. I must confess that I had a backwoods wedding myself. I got married at the end of a covered fishing pier over a frozen lake surrounded by woods. People stood around in their warm and comfortable clothes – mostly boots and jeans and heavy coats. It was so cold that all of the guests could be considered my “something blue.” The minister was missing a tooth or two and a couple of people were drinking beer. We made up our vows which amounted to a sort of _I take you **as is** _ attitude. We kissed, people threw Rice Krispies, and the sounds of Pat Metheny’s _Are You Going With Me?_ echoed across the lake and filled up the woods. How da ya like them napples? 😉 ---
**Author:** ![Elysian](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/c77e96/32.png) [@Elysian](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Elysian)\ **Post date:** [May 27, 2004, 2:59am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/backwoods-wedding-invitations/247049/69 "2004-05-27T02:59:01Z")
Bare nipples…hee hee! 😛 ---
**Author:** ![Bambi\_Hassenpfeffer](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/bbe5ce/32.png) [@Bambi\_Hassenpfeffer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bambi_Hassenpfeffer)\ **Post date:** [May 27, 2004, 4:08am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/backwoods-wedding-invitations/247049/70 "2004-05-27T04:08:43Z")
> [@DoctorJ](#): > > We got an in-vite once to what was clearly described on the invitation as a “Wedding and Pig Roast”. I thought it sounded like a damn good idea, myself. Sounds like my dad’s third wedding (this one’s holding, so far). Pig in the ground, with the ceremony (and reception) held in the yard behind the trailer they lived in. The justice of the peace married the two of them, with the bride’s mother holding a shotgun nearby just for the effect. Also to scare off the feral dogs and slightly crazed raccoons that wander around the neighborhood. In contrast to the only other wedding I’ve attended (a Catholic number – stand up, sit down, stand up, sit down, kneel, stand up, sit down, kneel, stand up, kneel, sit down), it was a very “Dueling Banjos” experience. The strange thing is that dad is from South Bend, IN, and third wifey is from Cincinatti, OH. Not exactly known as bastions of hillbilly behavior. ---
**Author:** ![swampbear](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/swampbear/32/467_2.png) [@swampbear](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/swampbear)\ **Post date:** [May 27, 2004, 12:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/backwoods-wedding-invitations/247049/71 "2004-05-27T12:11:55Z")
**DoctorJ** you mean they didn’t even spring for mixed nuts? I love an Episcopal wedding. The ceremony is long but the dinner, dance and open bar afterwards more than makes up for it. **screech-owl** what, no chicken dance or bunny hop? 😃 **Zoe** not only did you have the dream wedding but you know just the right gift to give. You taste and style maven you! 😛 **Bambi** are you sure the bride’s mother wasn’t trying to stock up the freezer for the winter? :eek: ---
**Author:** ![KarlGrenze](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/dbc845/32.png) [@KarlGrenze](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/KarlGrenze)\ **Post date:** [May 27, 2004, 1:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/backwoods-wedding-invitations/247049/72 "2004-05-27T13:11:19Z")
**Bear** , you can bring to the wedding a box full of MRE (was that the name?). I’m sure there are enough “rocks or something” to cook them quickly. ---
**Author:** ![swampbear](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/swampbear/32/467_2.png) [@swampbear](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/swampbear)\ **Post date:** [May 27, 2004, 1:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/backwoods-wedding-invitations/247049/73 "2004-05-27T13:15:20Z")
> [@KarlGrenze](#): > > **Bear** , you can bring to the wedding a box full of MRE (was that the name?). I’m sure there are enough “rocks or something” to cook them quickly. The perfect wedding gift for when the 'lectricity goes off in the trailer park! ---
**Author:** ![screech-owl](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/82dd89/32.png) [@screech-owl](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/screech-owl)\ **Post date:** [May 27, 2004, 10:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/backwoods-wedding-invitations/247049/74 "2004-05-27T22:09:01Z")
> [@swampbear](#): > > … **screech-owl** what, no chicken dance or bunny hop? :D… :eek: :: runs out of thread screaming at the memories :: The horror. The HORROR!! THE HORROR!!! . . . . . However, thank OG this was all “pre-Macarena”. 🙂 Ironically, I am having chicken and green beans for dinner. :rolleyes: ---
**Author:** ![swampbear](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/swampbear/32/467_2.png) [@swampbear](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/swampbear)\ **Post date:** [May 27, 2004, 10:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/backwoods-wedding-invitations/247049/75 "2004-05-27T22:35:09Z")
> [@screech-owl](#): > > :eek: > :: runs out of thread screaming at the memories :: > > The horror. The HORROR!! THE HORROR!!! > . > . > . > . > . > However, thank OG this was all “pre-Macarena”. 🙂 > > Ironically, I am having chicken and green beans for dinner. :rolleyes: Well, that settles it then. Bear\_Napples needs to take **you** to the wedding and request that the Macarena be done. The wedding Macarena is derigeur. 😃 I had chicken and green beans for dinner tonight. :eek: Does this mean that there is a wedding reception/dance in our near future? :eek: ---
**Author:** ![screech-owl](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/82dd89/32.png) [@screech-owl](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/screech-owl)\ **Post date:** [May 27, 2004, 10:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/backwoods-wedding-invitations/247049/76 "2004-05-27T22:58:35Z")
Hmmm. Doubt it, unless you (or anyone) can tolerate garlic. Lots of garlic. Mmmmmmmmmm. Garlic. Covers the chicken and green bean taste pretty well. Garlic is yummers. ---
**Author:** ![harmless](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/2acd7d/32.png) [@harmless](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/harmless)\ **Post date:** [May 27, 2004, 11:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/backwoods-wedding-invitations/247049/77 "2004-05-27T23:42:39Z")
> [@screech-owl](#): > > Hmmm. Doubt it, unless you (or anyone) can tolerate garlic. Lots of garlic. Mmmmmmmmmm. Garlic. Covers the chicken and green bean taste pretty well. Garlic is yummers. > [@](#): > > i :eek: \<–drooly smiley > [COLOR=White]o . > o . > o .[/COLOR] You mean, cruel person, you! (harmless is hungry! ☹ ) ---
**Author:** ![swampbear](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/swampbear/32/467_2.png) [@swampbear](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/swampbear)\ **Post date:** [May 27, 2004, 11:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/backwoods-wedding-invitations/247049/78 "2004-05-27T23:49:09Z")
> [@screech-owl](#): > > Hmmm. Doubt it, unless you (or anyone) can tolerate garlic. Lots of garlic. Mmmmmmmmmm. Garlic. Covers the chicken and green bean taste pretty well. Garlic is yummers. Ummmmm… an owl eating chicken? Isn’t that kind of cannibalistic? :dubious: ---
**Author:** ![Eve](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/9e8a1a/32.png) [@Eve](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Eve)\ **Post date:** [May 27, 2004, 11:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/backwoods-wedding-invitations/247049/79 "2004-05-27T23:54:56Z")
Why do I have a feeling the bride’s wedding photo will look like [this](http://thesmokinggun.com/archive/bridereport1.html)? ---
**Author:** ![swampbear](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/swampbear/32/467_2.png) [@swampbear](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/swampbear)\ **Post date:** [May 28, 2004, 12:31am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/backwoods-wedding-invitations/247049/80 "2004-05-28T00:31:00Z")
**Eve** add a cigarette dangling from the lip and a long neck bud in her hand and it would complete the picture. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/backwoods-wedding-invitations/247049.md?page=3) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/backwoods-wedding-invitations/247049.md?page=5)