# Bad, bad etiquette: Handing out your own bridal shower invites **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [June 1, 2005, 1:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/bad-bad-etiquette-handing-out-your-own-bridal-shower-invites/306361 "2005-06-01T13:48:46Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 19\ **Page:** 4
**Author:** ![CrazyCatLady](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/dfb087/32.png) [@CrazyCatLady](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CrazyCatLady)\ **Post date:** [July 23, 2011, 1:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/bad-bad-etiquette-handing-out-your-own-bridal-shower-invites/306361/61 "2011-07-23T13:21:39Z")
> [@singular1](#): > > She made them herself on the computer, but they were expensive? How does that work? You can design stuff on a graphics program on your computer and then either burn a disk to bring in or email the file to a professional printer. Our local printer does it, online places like Vista do it–it’s how we got business cards for my craft booth and **DoctorJ** ’s radio show. ---
**Author:** ![Jenaroph](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/e8c25b/32.png) [@Jenaroph](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Jenaroph)\ **Post date:** [July 23, 2011, 1:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/bad-bad-etiquette-handing-out-your-own-bridal-shower-invites/306361/62 "2011-07-23T13:42:46Z")
> [@singular1](#): > > Ok, I admit I don’t go to weddings myself, and we got married by a city official while on vaycay in New Zealand, so I am blissfully unaware of the rules. But I still don’t understand the invite thing. She made them herself on the computer, but they were expensive? How does that work? Well, 6 years ago when this was posted DIY invitations may have been a little less common, and the outlay for printing services a little more expensive than today. ---
**Author:** ![jjimm](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/ba8739/32.png) [@jjimm](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/jjimm)\ **Post date:** [July 23, 2011, 1:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/bad-bad-etiquette-handing-out-your-own-bridal-shower-invites/306361/63 "2011-07-23T13:44:21Z")
The bride’s probably divorced by now anyway. ---
**Author:** ![Eats\_Crayons](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/278dde/32.png) [@Eats\_Crayons](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Eats_Crayons)\ **Post date:** [July 23, 2011, 2:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/bad-bad-etiquette-handing-out-your-own-bridal-shower-invites/306361/64 "2011-07-23T14:09:45Z")
> [@FilmGeek](#): > > I get that wedding invites aren’t supposed to have the registry info. How do you let people know where you’re registered, then? Are they supposed to guess? You contact the maid-of-honour, best man, or parents of the betrothed. **Celly** and his then-fiancee had a mailed invitation that included the invitation itself, then a small card with a mini-map, directions to the venue, and some little statement that basically said “If you have any special needs, requests, or questions contact…” and the maid of honour and best man’s contact info. Invited guests who didn’t know about the gift situation, called the MOH or BM. Some called with questions about dietary restrictions and accessiblilty provisions. I assume back in the days of yore, word-of-mouth was sufficient because you’d be marrying someone from within your community and your social circles would overlap to some degree. With modern transportation and communication options, in modern society it’s much more likely that you have friends and family all from over the place who’ve never met each other, and word-of-mouth is not going to be as effective. ---
**Author:** ![nashiitashii](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/7c8e57/32.png) [@nashiitashii](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/nashiitashii)\ **Post date:** [July 23, 2011, 3:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/bad-bad-etiquette-handing-out-your-own-bridal-shower-invites/306361/65 "2011-07-23T15:05:16Z")
> [@yellowval](#): > > Her mother should not be throwing her the shower in the first place. If family must throw the bride’s shower, if there are no friends to do it, it should be a sister, aunt, or some other female family member othat than the mother or grandmother to do it. And I, for one, open my mail. I’m at the age when we receive so many wedding and shower invitations, and thank-you notes from said events, that I’d hate to risk missing one just because I didn’t recognize what it was! Unfortunately, folks like **yellowval** are the reason why I didn’t have a bridal shower and barely had a bachelorette party. At the time, I was living in an area where I hadn’t made close enough friends to have anyone in my bridal party be local, except for my soon-to-be SIL. My MOH was on the other side of the country and in a financial bind, my mom had died less than a year earlier, and the closest friend I had at the time was someone I had known for all of six months-- that friend ended up arranging my bachelorette party for me with a few other friends and is still highly appreciated. My soon-to-be MIL was staunchly against anyone related throwing the party, so even if the soon-to-be SIL weren’t clueless about these things, she would have been encouraged not to throw one for me. So, I didn’t have one and don’t feel bad about it. ---
**Author:** ![Cat\_Whisperer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cat_whisperer/32/4839_2.png) [@Cat\_Whisperer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cat_Whisperer)\ **Post date:** [July 23, 2011, 5:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/bad-bad-etiquette-handing-out-your-own-bridal-shower-invites/306361/66 "2011-07-23T17:08:10Z")
> [@jjimm](#): > > The bride’s probably divorced by now anyway. THAT’D be quite the update, eh? 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![jjimm](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/ba8739/32.png) [@jjimm](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/jjimm)\ **Post date:** [July 23, 2011, 11:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/bad-bad-etiquette-handing-out-your-own-bridal-shower-invites/306361/67 "2011-07-23T23:20:43Z")
> [@Cat\_Whisperer](#): > > THAT’D be quite the update, eh? 🙂 Distributed via hand-written divorce shower invites. ---
**Author:** ![SnakesCatLady](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/4af34b/32.png) [@SnakesCatLady](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SnakesCatLady)\ **Post date:** [July 23, 2011, 11:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/bad-bad-etiquette-handing-out-your-own-bridal-shower-invites/306361/68 "2011-07-23T23:53:46Z")
Waaaaay back in grad school, I was invited to the wedding of a classmate. The invitation included “and guest” as I was one of the very few of our class who was being invited to the wedding and sit-down reception for about 300 people. I asked my friend why he had included “and guest” - he replied “you won’t know many people; I want you to at least have one person to talk to at the reception!” After dinner, shortly after the “Bride and Father” dance, my date excused himself and went to ask the MOB to dance. Such manners! I was so impressed! Paraphrased from Heinlein: “Ettiquite is the grease in the gears of society”. ---
**Author:** ![IvoryTowerDenizen](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ivorytowerdenizen/32/17937_2.png) [@IvoryTowerDenizen](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/IvoryTowerDenizen)\ **Post date:** [July 24, 2011, 12:25am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/bad-bad-etiquette-handing-out-your-own-bridal-shower-invites/306361/69 "2011-07-24T00:25:00Z")
> [@Nawth\_Chucka](#): > > Turned out to be the only one we all got. “But each person got one, not just people who gave a gift, so it’s more fair!” was evidently the battle cry. We just had my daughter’s bat mitzvah. Everyone got a thank you who came to the reception within a week of the party- including the few whose gifts came long after the party. They got a “thank you for sharing this important day” note. When the gift came later, they got a second one thanking them for the gift. ---
**Author:** ![iftheresaway](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/ecae2f/32.png) [@iftheresaway](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/iftheresaway)\ **Post date:** [July 24, 2011, 1:56am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/bad-bad-etiquette-handing-out-your-own-bridal-shower-invites/306361/70 "2011-07-24T01:56:12Z")
In running through my mental list of “friends who’ve gotten married”, I can’t think of a single one who DIDN’T have a shower thrown by family. This is honestly the first I’ve ever heard that family’s not supposed to do it. Personally, I had two showers, one thrown by my mom and one by my MIL - more by accident than design. My wedding party consisted of my 17 year old brother and two 22 year old friends - one with a toddler and one who lived in another state and flew in the day of the wedding. Who exactly was supposed to throw me a shower? In the end, we had friends and family come around, give us marriage advice (both showers were co-ed; one of my bridesmaids was a boy and my husband’s best man was a lady, so we’re not too picky about gender divides), eat & drink, get to know everyone, etc. ---
**Author:** ![singular1](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ba9def/32.png) [@singular1](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/singular1)\ **Post date:** [July 24, 2011, 10:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/bad-bad-etiquette-handing-out-your-own-bridal-shower-invites/306361/71 "2011-07-24T22:55:44Z")
> [@Jenaroph](#): > > Well, 6 years ago when this was posted DIY invitations may have been a little less common, and the outlay for printing services a little more expensive than today. :smack: I’m always duped by zombie threads! Thanks for the explanation, though. 😉 ---
**Author:** ![Two\_Many\_Cats](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/8dc957/32.png) [@Two\_Many\_Cats](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Two_Many_Cats)\ **Post date:** [July 25, 2011, 12:18am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/bad-bad-etiquette-handing-out-your-own-bridal-shower-invites/306361/72 "2011-07-25T00:18:27Z")
I would think with the number of people living together before marriage these days, the household item gifts would be mostly unnecessary. I guess if I got married, I would be SOL unless my groom-to-be had someone to throw me a shower. No close friends, no close relatives, except my mom. There’s my half-sister-in-law, but she’s four states away. ---
**Author:** ![Guinastasia](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/guinastasia/32/5751_2.png) [@Guinastasia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Guinastasia)\ **Post date:** [July 25, 2011, 2:15am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/bad-bad-etiquette-handing-out-your-own-bridal-shower-invites/306361/73 "2011-07-25T02:15:51Z")
Family throwing showers – it depends. Generally, it’s okay if it’s a family-only shower. We did that for my cousin’s wife, but it was only a few people, all relatives. (Although she did ask if she could have her best friend at her baby shower). Her wedding shower had about ten of us. Both of them were held at home, no catering, no games, etc. At the baby shower, a lot of it was focused on my other cousin’s daughter trying to walk. 😉 ---
**Author:** ![Taomist](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/53a042/32.png) [@Taomist](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Taomist)\ **Post date:** [July 25, 2011, 4:16am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/bad-bad-etiquette-handing-out-your-own-bridal-shower-invites/306361/74 "2011-07-25T04:16:44Z")
> [@yellowval](#): > > Well, I still think it’s very bad form to make it appear that you’re throwing yourself a bridal shower. As **badbadrubberpiggy** noted, it makes it appear that the bride is fishing for gifts. Not mailing them also says, “I’m too cheap for a stamp, but I’d like for you to fork out some money to buy me a gift.” > > The point of a bridal shower is that friends and family shower you with things you’ll need for your new life. You don’t tell them to do it. Where I come from, the bride’s mother also does not throw the bridal shower. I don’t see the point of this etiquette. If someone’s offended at a bride throwing her own shower \ then they can choose not to go. Where I’m from \ the bride doesn’t have to ask. She just gets the gifts anyway, no shower required. And nobody would _dream_ of inviting anyone who wouldn’t already be there anyway, if that makes sense. I think some people’s sense of proprieties are entirely out of whack. p.s. DIE ZOMBIES!! ---
**Author:** ![Double\_Foolscap](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/85e7bf/32.png) [@Double\_Foolscap](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Double_Foolscap)\ **Post date:** [July 25, 2011, 3:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/bad-bad-etiquette-handing-out-your-own-bridal-shower-invites/306361/75 "2011-07-25T15:34:55Z")
> [@Push\_You\_Down](#): > > Wow… I guess we have left powdered wigs and monocles behind.. but the petty etiquette remains That’s part of the issue. Used to be any breach of ettiquette would be met with a shocked monocle popping out into a martini glass - now how is one supposed to know what is proper ettiquette and what isn’t? ---
**Author:** ![PunditLisa](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/4af34b/32.png) [@PunditLisa](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/PunditLisa)\ **Post date:** [July 25, 2011, 7:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/bad-bad-etiquette-handing-out-your-own-bridal-shower-invites/306361/76 "2011-07-25T19:03:23Z")
Yeah, it’s tacky to hand out your own shower invitation. Equally tacky to not bother getting home addresses and mailing them to the invitee’s home. After all, she’ll need them when she addresses the thank you notes and wedding invitations. (Hopefully she won’t send the Thank You cards into work and/or break ANOTHER rule by inviting people to a shower who aren’t being invited to the wedding!) My cousin’s son, who I see once or twice a year tops, got married to a woman. She got pregnant and they invited me to their baby shower. I’d never in a million years invite this couple to my daughter’s showers because we’re not close enough, but whatever. With my $25 budget, I buy an item off of their baby registry (a 3 pack of bottles). I also buy a Grandma picture frame for my cousin, which I give her at the shower. In any event, the bride opened up the bag, grabbed out the bottles, then then kept digging into the bag with a “There’s got to be more in here.” expression. When she realized that there was nothing else there, she turned to her friend and they snickered at my miserly gift. (Hey, it wasn’t my fault you picked out a $25 pack of bottles, you stupid bitch, because that’s all I’m spending on my cousin’s son’s wife.) In any event, that was 6 weeks ago and I’m still waiting for the thank you note. :rolleyes: ---
**Author:** ![Hello\_Again](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/85e7bf/32.png) [@Hello\_Again](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Hello_Again)\ **Post date:** [July 25, 2011, 7:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/bad-bad-etiquette-handing-out-your-own-bridal-shower-invites/306361/77 "2011-07-25T19:20:02Z")
> [@Bad\_News\_Baboon](#): > > Singular, it sounds like they were professionally printed: she created them and sent the file off to be print on presumably good cardstock. You can also upload them to an internet-only digital printer, such as [vistaprint.com](http://vistaprint.com) or [psprint.com](http://psprint.com), which is cheap as hell. (50 color 5x7 cards for $40; 100 for $45, including the 13lb matte cardstock.) > [@](#): > > Plus, if envelopes were colored, those are expensive, too. No, they aren’t. [www.paper-source.com](http://www.paper-source.com) or [www.envelope.com](http://www.envelope.com) 50 for $10 ---
**Author:** ![MichaelEmouse](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/michaelemouse/32/101_2.png) [@MichaelEmouse](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MichaelEmouse)\ **Post date:** [July 25, 2011, 8:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/bad-bad-etiquette-handing-out-your-own-bridal-shower-invites/306361/78 "2011-07-25T20:20:17Z")
> [@Askia](#): > > I am such a guy. I read this thread three times and I still don’t get what the big deal is. I’m mean, I get it, kinda, but I just can’t raise my outrage above “meh.” > > Ditto to women showing up to an event in the same outfit. Yup, my penis also prevents me from understanding the finer points of etiquette. Particularly strange for me is the idea that it’s ok to nudge someone else into throwing the shower but not throw it oneself. If directly fishing for gifts is uncouth, so is indirectly fishing for gifts. Also, and I realize this is tangential to the thread, why can’t women wear the same outfit? ---
**Author:** ![Swallowed\_My\_Cellphone](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/9d8465/32.png) [@Swallowed\_My\_Cellphone](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Swallowed_My_Cellphone)\ **Post date:** [July 25, 2011, 9:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/bad-bad-etiquette-handing-out-your-own-bridal-shower-invites/306361/79 "2011-07-25T21:55:06Z")
> [@MichaelEmouse](#): > > Also, and I realize this is tangential to the thread, why can’t women wear the same outfit? I think they _can_, but they don’t want to because it invites comparison. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/bad-bad-etiquette-handing-out-your-own-bridal-shower-invites/306361.md?page=3)