# Bad boys, bad boys, whatcha gonna do? **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [March 15, 2010, 4:12am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/bad-boys-bad-boys-whatcha-gonna-do/532518 "2010-03-15T04:12:58Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![twickster](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/ec9cab/32.png) [@twickster](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/twickster)\ **Post date:** [March 15, 2010, 4:12am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/bad-boys-bad-boys-whatcha-gonna-do/532518/1 "2010-03-15T04:12:58Z")
Got home this evening from a wonderful concert (Habib Koite), which I attended with the guy I’m currently pining after, though I seem to be stuck in the friends zone with him. Checking my email yields a message from a guy at a dating site who actually seems rather intriguing … and a message from a woman who I’ve never heard of before. > [@](#): > > Hi Ladies, > > My name is Maria and I’ve been in a relationship with JP since April 2006. I believed that I was in a monogamous with JP. I am writing to you all today because I recently discovered some very racy emails exchanges between all of you ladies and JP. This is very difficult for me and I’m sure that this will come as a shock to some of you but I need to know if he is being honest with me or not. He tells me that you are all just friends and that there is nothing going on with any of you but I find that very hard to believe because of what I read in each of your emails. > Ladies I hope you will contact me before confronting JP. I am willing to share information with each of you. > > Please feel free to write to me or contact me by phone at xxx-xxx-xxxx or give me your phone number and I will call you. > > Regards, > > Maria Oh, JP, you rascal. JP is someone I do the occasional booty call with – very casual, nonexclusive relationship as far as I’m concerned; he knows I date elsewhere, and I’ve never given a huge amount of thought to whether he does or not. Interestingly enough, when I think back, I’ve known him since … April of 2006. I wrote the woman back, ccing JP, and asked how it happened that she was reading his email. ---
**Author:** ![Savannah](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/b3f665/32.png) [@Savannah](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Savannah)\ **Post date:** [March 15, 2010, 5:45am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/bad-boys-bad-boys-whatcha-gonna-do/532518/2 "2010-03-15T05:45:03Z")
Did you confirm her suspicions? I’d be very unhappy with JP, not so much with his partner. ---
**Author:** ![Salem](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/8c91f0/32.png) [@Salem](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Salem)\ **Post date:** [March 15, 2010, 5:45am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/bad-boys-bad-boys-whatcha-gonna-do/532518/3 "2010-03-15T05:45:58Z")
Oh, this isn’t going to end well for JP, is it? Please be sure to update on his/her response! ---
**Author:** ![twickster](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/ec9cab/32.png) [@twickster](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/twickster)\ **Post date:** [March 15, 2010, 12:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/bad-boys-bad-boys-whatcha-gonna-do/532518/4 "2010-03-15T12:38:50Z")
Maria says someone sent her the emails, and asked when I last saw him. I responded with the following: > [@](#): > > I really don’t want to get involved in your soap opera – > > JP and I have been seeing each other very casually for about four years. We get together from time to time, and sometimes when we get together we have sex. Other times we just go out for breakfast and talk. The last time I saw him was maybe a month and a half ago; I know it was before his most recent trip to Montreal but I don’t remember more specifically than that. We did not have sex on that occasion. > > He knows I date other men, and I really had given zero thought to whether he was seeing other women or not. > > Sorry you’re going through this, I know it’s very painful – but if you think you’ve got an exclusive relationship with him, you’re wrong – and if you think he’s going to change, you’re also (in my opinion) wrong. As with the first email, I cced JP on it. I’m actually mostly amused by this – while realizing that poor Maria is undoubtedly in huge amounts of pain. As far as being pissed at JP – why? It’s a casual relationship, he didn’t lie to me about anything. ---
**Author:** ![Dangerosa](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/22d042/32.png) [@Dangerosa](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dangerosa)\ **Post date:** [March 15, 2010, 12:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/bad-boys-bad-boys-whatcha-gonna-do/532518/5 "2010-03-15T12:59:24Z")
> [@twickster](#): > > I’m actually mostly amused by this – while realizing that poor Maria is undoubtedly in huge amounts of pain. I can see that - I’d be amused myself. Poor Maria. I hope, for the sake of JP’s ethics, that she managed to delude herself and he didn’t delude her. But either way, it isn’t your problem. ---
**Author:** ![hajario](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/hajario/32/171_2.png) [@hajario](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/hajario)\ **Post date:** [March 15, 2010, 6:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/bad-boys-bad-boys-whatcha-gonna-do/532518/6 "2010-03-15T18:02:42Z")
> [@twickster](#): > > I really don’t want to get involved in your soap opera Then why the hell did you? Bad form. ---
**Author:** ![Least\_Original\_User\_Name\_Ever](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/e480ec/32.png) [@Least\_Original\_User\_Name\_Ever](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Least_Original_User_Name_Ever)\ **Post date:** [March 15, 2010, 6:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/bad-boys-bad-boys-whatcha-gonna-do/532518/7 "2010-03-15T18:12:53Z")
> [@hajario](#): > > Then why the hell did you? Bad form. Word. ---
**Author:** ![Tom\_Tildrum](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/e95f7d/32.png) [@Tom\_Tildrum](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tom_Tildrum)\ **Post date:** [March 15, 2010, 6:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/bad-boys-bad-boys-whatcha-gonna-do/532518/8 "2010-03-15T18:15:50Z")
It seems like the worst-case scenario would be if she was telling the truth when she said JP told her that his other women were all just friends. Suppose that’s true – would it bother you? If not, then no worries, I guess. If it would, then you may want to ask him why he thinks she would have said that. ---
**Author:** ![VinylTurnip](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/v/b2d939/32.png) [@VinylTurnip](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/VinylTurnip)\ **Post date:** [March 15, 2010, 6:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/bad-boys-bad-boys-whatcha-gonna-do/532518/9 "2010-03-15T18:16:50Z")
What aspect of her pain—caused by your asshole fuck buddy and likely aggravated by your glib response—would you say you find the most amusing? ---
**Author:** ![Pray\_for\_peace](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/5f9b8f/32.png) [@Pray\_for\_peace](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Pray_for_peace)\ **Post date:** [March 15, 2010, 6:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/bad-boys-bad-boys-whatcha-gonna-do/532518/10 "2010-03-15T18:26:52Z")
Yeah, if JP in fact lied to her and led her to believe they were exclusive while he was seeing other women, there’s nothing funny about what he did to her. It’s not her fault if he lied to her. You may not agree with her decision to contact you, but you could have been a lot more gentle in your response if you truly thought she was in pain. ---
**Author:** ![Cheshire\_Human](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/5f8ce5/32.png) [@Cheshire\_Human](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cheshire_Human)\ **Post date:** [March 15, 2010, 6:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/bad-boys-bad-boys-whatcha-gonna-do/532518/11 "2010-03-15T18:38:26Z")
I don’t know, but I think she did just fine. It ain’t her problem, she didn’t initiate the e-mail contact, Maria did. Why should she worry about being “gentle”? ---
**Author:** ![Cheshire\_Human](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/5f8ce5/32.png) [@Cheshire\_Human](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cheshire_Human)\ **Post date:** [March 15, 2010, 6:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/bad-boys-bad-boys-whatcha-gonna-do/532518/12 "2010-03-15T18:41:37Z")
> [@twickster](#): > > As far as being pissed at JP – why? It’s a casual relationship, he didn’t lie to me about anything. He didn’t lie to you, but essentially _he’s_ the one who dragged you into this “soap opera”. I would definitely give him a few points on the “asshole-meter” for that. ---
**Author:** ![MeanOldLady](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/meanoldlady/32/10737_2.png) [@MeanOldLady](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MeanOldLady)\ **Post date:** [March 15, 2010, 6:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/bad-boys-bad-boys-whatcha-gonna-do/532518/13 "2010-03-15T18:42:26Z")
> [@VinylTurnip](#): > > What aspect of her pain—caused by your asshole fuck buddy and likely aggravated by your glib response—would you say you find the most amusing? The twisting of the knife. Definitely. ---
**Author:** ![Contrapuntal](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/e274bd/32.png) [@Contrapuntal](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Contrapuntal)\ **Post date:** [March 15, 2010, 6:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/bad-boys-bad-boys-whatcha-gonna-do/532518/14 "2010-03-15T18:46:57Z")
> [@twickster](#): > > As far as being pissed at JP – why? It’s a casual relationship, he didn’t lie to me about anything. It’s called a lie of omission. He is in a relationship with someone who believes it to be exclusive. A non zero number of women would deny him sex if he told them that, so he figures why mess up a good thing? If he failed to tell you that he had done time in prison for murdering his casual lover, that wouldn’t be a lie either, but I suspect you would be perturbed to find it out. ---
**Author:** ![Sleeps\_With\_Butterflies](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/bb73d2/32.png) [@Sleeps\_With\_Butterflies](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sleeps_With_Butterflies)\ **Post date:** [March 15, 2010, 6:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/bad-boys-bad-boys-whatcha-gonna-do/532518/15 "2010-03-15T18:48:25Z")
> [@hajario](#): > > Then why the hell did you? Bad form. Good question. > [@VinylTurnip](#): > > What aspect of her pain—caused by your asshole fuck buddy and likely aggravated by your glib response—would you say you find the most amusing? Another good question. Personally, since you find it oh-so-amusing, I sincerely hope the next time you’re with someone that you really care about you find yourself in a similar situation as this woman so some other woman can have as much fun as you seem to be having. Maybe even the man you went to the concert with who doesn’t seem to like you as much as you like him. Cheers! ---
**Author:** ![MsWhatsit](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/eb8c5e/32.png) [@MsWhatsit](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MsWhatsit)\ **Post date:** [March 15, 2010, 6:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/bad-boys-bad-boys-whatcha-gonna-do/532518/16 "2010-03-15T18:52:59Z")
> [@twickster](#): > > I’m actually mostly amused by this – while realizing that poor Maria is undoubtedly in huge amounts of pain. Well, that’s pretty fucked up. ---
**Author:** ![Ferret\_Herder](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/e47774/32.png) [@Ferret\_Herder](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ferret_Herder)\ **Post date:** [March 15, 2010, 7:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/bad-boys-bad-boys-whatcha-gonna-do/532518/17 "2010-03-15T19:03:53Z")
> [@MsWhatsit](#): > > Well, that’s pretty fucked up. I interpreted that as meaning, “Heh, someone expects me to hit the ceiling because this guy is ‘cheating’ on me - but he’s not. On the other hand, man, that’s really gotta hurt for her.” It is kind of naive for Maria to assume that all of her correspondents are “innocent parties/victims” and that no one’s going to essentially say, “leave me out of the drama that you’re adding to here.” The second-to-last sentence of her letter sounds like she’s got some kind of Big Plan going on. ---
**Author:** ![Contrapuntal](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/e274bd/32.png) [@Contrapuntal](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Contrapuntal)\ **Post date:** [March 15, 2010, 7:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/bad-boys-bad-boys-whatcha-gonna-do/532518/18 "2010-03-15T19:07:11Z")
> [@Ferret\_Herder](#): > > It is kind of naive for Maria to assume that all of her correspondents are “innocent parties/victims” and that no one’s going to essentially say, “leave me out of the drama that you’re adding to here.” I just have to say that if my girlfriend were screwing some other guy, he would be in the drama, whether he wanted to be or not. ---
**Author:** ![hajario](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/hajario/32/171_2.png) [@hajario](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/hajario)\ **Post date:** [March 15, 2010, 7:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/bad-boys-bad-boys-whatcha-gonna-do/532518/19 "2010-03-15T19:14:44Z")
> [@Ferret\_Herder](#): > > I interpreted that as meaning, “Heh, someone expects me to hit the ceiling because this guy is ‘cheating’ on me - but he’s not. On the other hand, man, that’s really gotta hurt for her.” > > It is kind of naive for Maria to assume that all of her correspondents are “innocent parties/victims” and that no one’s going to essentially say, “leave me out of the drama that you’re adding to here.” The second-to-last sentence of her letter sounds like she’s got some kind of Big Plan going on. I think that you are totally on the money here. Maria thought that JP was telling the same lie to everyone and that they would get some major revenge together like in a lame romantic comedy. > [@Contrapuntal](#): > > It’s called a lie of omission. He is in a relationship with someone who believes it to be exclusive. A non zero number of women would deny him sex if he told them that, so he figures why mess up a good thing? Correct. **twickster** , if JP told you that he was seeing someone else _who was under the impression that she was the only one_, would you continue to see him casually? > [@Contrapuntal](#): > > I just have to say that if my girlfriend were screwing some other guy, he would be in the drama, whether he wanted to be or not. A totally understandable reaction but rationally, and I know being rational in that situation would be next to impossible, he wouldn’t have done a damn thing to you, she would have. ---
**Author:** ![Contrapuntal](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/e274bd/32.png) [@Contrapuntal](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Contrapuntal)\ **Post date:** [March 15, 2010, 7:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/bad-boys-bad-boys-whatcha-gonna-do/532518/20 "2010-03-15T19:18:13Z")
> [@hajario](#): > > A totally understandable reaction but rationally, and I know being rational in that situation would be next to impossible, he wouldn’t have done a damn thing to you, she would have. Oh, I agree. I’m not saying it would be his fault. I’m just saying he would be in the drama. [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/bad-boys-bad-boys-whatcha-gonna-do/532518.md?page=2)