# Bad boys, bad boys, whatcha gonna do? **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [March 15, 2010, 4:12am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/bad-boys-bad-boys-whatcha-gonna-do/532518 "2010-03-15T04:12:58Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 3
**Author:** ![pepperlandgirl](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/f17d59/32.png) [@pepperlandgirl](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/pepperlandgirl)\ **Post date:** [March 15, 2010, 7:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/bad-boys-bad-boys-whatcha-gonna-do/532518/41 "2010-03-15T19:53:13Z")
> [@Dangerosa](#): > > CLEARLY we have no idea what JP lead her to believe. We don’t know her, nor do we know JP. All we know is that Twicks and he had a casual relationship. It doesn’t sound like he was implying anything other than casual to Twicks, maybe he wasn’t with this other woman either. I think the original email makes it pretty clear that this woman thought she was in an exclusive relationship. Might have JP told her every day for four years that they were just “casual” and the relationship she’s referring to is all the result of her own imagination? Sure. But if you take the original email at face value, it’s pretty clear she’s surprised by the revelation of all the women he’s got on the side and is trying to figure out just how far those lies extend. Twickster could have been a little bit more diplomatic in her response, even if she wasn’t interested in being compassionate. She’s a writer, isn’t she? I’d expect her to be a little bit more…thoughtful. > [@](#): > > Really? “I’m sleeping with your boyfriend.” If she assumed that everyone else had exclusive relationships, then she did no worse than twicks did, and with less provocation. What? I’ve been taking cold medicine all day so I might be a little bit out of it, but where did the lady say “I’m sleeping with your boyfriend”? I think the original email was surprisingly restrained, given the subject matter. It wasn’t even particularly accusatory. No where in the email did she say she assumed JP was telling all the women they were monogamous. She referred to steamy emails and wanted to find out more information–that’s not really offensive. ---
**Author:** ![hajario](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/hajario/32/171_2.png) [@hajario](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/hajario)\ **Post date:** [March 15, 2010, 7:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/bad-boys-bad-boys-whatcha-gonna-do/532518/42 "2010-03-15T19:55:34Z")
> [@Ferret\_Herder](#): > > Maria certainly sounds like she wants to know what all these gals thought they had with JP. She certainly did. That’s not in dispute. I just don’t think that telling her, particular in that manner, was the right call. ---
**Author:** ![Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e99b99/32.png) [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Diogenes_the_Cynic)\ **Post date:** [March 15, 2010, 8:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/bad-boys-bad-boys-whatcha-gonna-do/532518/43 "2010-03-15T20:01:08Z")
> [@Dangerosa](#): > > Really? “I’m sleeping with your boyfriend.” If she assumed that everyone else had exclusive relationships, then she did no worse than twicks did, and with less provocation. Huh? he wasn’t Twick’s boyfriend, and the victim’s intent wasn’t to taunt, but to inform and to gather information. > [@](#): > > Isn’t the first rule of “you know someone is getting cheated on” around here not to tell. Not for me. I favor a strong policy of narking cheaters out, but that can be done without taunting the victim. I’m not even sure how that’s applicable here since the victim already know she was being cheated on. ---
**Author:** ![Dangerosa](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/22d042/32.png) [@Dangerosa](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dangerosa)\ **Post date:** [March 15, 2010, 8:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/bad-boys-bad-boys-whatcha-gonna-do/532518/44 "2010-03-15T20:01:19Z")
> [@pepperlandgirl](#): > > I think the original email makes it pretty clear that this woman thought she was in an exclusive relationship. Might have JP told her every day for four years that they were just “casual” and the relationship she’s referring to is all the result of her own imagination? Sure. But if you take the original email at face value, it’s pretty clear she’s surprised by the revelation of all the women he’s got on the side and is trying to figure out just how far those lies extend. Twickster could have been a little bit more diplomatic in her response, even if she wasn’t interested in being compassionate. She’s a writer, isn’t she? I’d expect her to be a little bit more…thoughtful. > > What? I’ve been taking cold medicine all day so I might be a little bit out of it, but where did the lady say “I’m sleeping with your boyfriend”? I think the original email was surprisingly restrained, given the subject matter. It wasn’t even particularly accusatory. No where in the email did she say she assumed JP was telling all the women they were monogamous. She referred to steamy emails and wanted to find out more information–that’s not really offensive. Perhaps you are right. If I thought that my relationship with someone was monogamous, I’d probably assume that if he was cheating on me he’d tell other people they were monogamous. So when she said “I’ve been in a relationship with JP” she said a version of “I’m sleeping with your boyfriend.” She did it tactfully - and I think twicks response was tactful as well. But as I said, I’ve been the “JP” in this situation with a deluded boyfriend. Some people really don’t get the idea of “seeing other people.” ---
**Author:** ![Dangerosa](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/22d042/32.png) [@Dangerosa](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dangerosa)\ **Post date:** [March 15, 2010, 8:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/bad-boys-bad-boys-whatcha-gonna-do/532518/45 "2010-03-15T20:05:31Z")
> [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](#): > > Huh? he wasn’t Twick’s boyfriend, and the victim’s intent wasn’t to taunt, but to inform. As were twicks’ responses. She never taunted Maria with “I find this amusing” - she left that for us. She gave Maria the information she asked for, as well as some advice (which may have been unlooked for) about him not changing. But Maria had no idea if twicks though she was in an exclusive relationship with JP or not. She just suspected they had some sort of sexual relationship. But no idea of the terms. It is possible that of this list of women, twicks is the only one who had an “honest” relationship with JP and Maria has caused a lot of other women a lot of pain. (And I generally agree that you should tell, but am regularly shouted down by the “mind your own business” folks). ---
**Author:** ![Heckity](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/a5b964/32.png) [@Heckity](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Heckity)\ **Post date:** [March 15, 2010, 8:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/bad-boys-bad-boys-whatcha-gonna-do/532518/46 "2010-03-15T20:07:59Z")
Leaving the taunting aside for the moment, Maria wanted to know if in fact **twickster** was merely a friend as JP indicated. I think the factual accounting of the relationship JP has/had with **twickster** is entirely appropriate. She was asked and she answered. Defining the relationship as casual at least let Maria know that there was nothing in the lines of a serious relationship in the minds of JP or **twickster**. I think if you don’t have your heart in the relationship it is much easier to find levity in the predicament. And perhaps some self-gratifying thinking - “at least it isn’t _my_ heart getting crushed”. Having said that, I had a doctor once who was performing an incredibly painful procedure without freezing. I apologized for jumping and he responded, “oh that’s okay, it’s not hurting _me_”. I never saw the bastard again. ---
**Author:** ![Beware\_of\_Doug](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/278dde/32.png) [@Beware\_of\_Doug](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Beware_of_Doug)\ **Post date:** [March 15, 2010, 8:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/bad-boys-bad-boys-whatcha-gonna-do/532518/47 "2010-03-15T20:13:46Z")
I’m surprised at **twickster** , if only because people as expert at crossword puzzles as she is rarely find themselves in a position to take booty calls. 😃 ---
**Author:** ![Heckity](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/a5b964/32.png) [@Heckity](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Heckity)\ **Post date:** [March 15, 2010, 8:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/bad-boys-bad-boys-whatcha-gonna-do/532518/48 "2010-03-15T20:14:26Z")
Okay, you get sidetracked for a moment and someone else says it better. So, what **Dangerosa** said. ---
**Author:** ![Ferret\_Herder](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/e47774/32.png) [@Ferret\_Herder](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ferret_Herder)\ **Post date:** [March 15, 2010, 8:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/bad-boys-bad-boys-whatcha-gonna-do/532518/49 "2010-03-15T20:20:05Z")
> [@hajario](#): > > She certainly did. That’s not in dispute. I just don’t think that telling her, particular in that manner, was the right call. That’s something to consider - Maria might well flip the hell out on anyone who doesn’t play the innocence card and/or lets JP in on the deal. In fact, all we know is that she claims there are a bunch of women that JP E-mailed and that she got their E-mail addresses. Maybe she’s also checked his phone, computer, etc., and has full names, phone numbers, street addresses? ---
**Author:** ![MeanOldLady](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/meanoldlady/32/10737_2.png) [@MeanOldLady](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MeanOldLady)\ **Post date:** [March 15, 2010, 8:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/bad-boys-bad-boys-whatcha-gonna-do/532518/50 "2010-03-15T20:22:32Z")
> [@Dangerosa](#): > > She never taunted Maria with “I find this amusing” - she left that for us. It is certainly better than she left that part out in her correspondence with Maria, but why does she find the situation amusing again? ---
**Author:** ![Pray\_for\_peace](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/5f9b8f/32.png) [@Pray\_for\_peace](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Pray_for_peace)\ **Post date:** [March 15, 2010, 8:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/bad-boys-bad-boys-whatcha-gonna-do/532518/51 "2010-03-15T20:22:37Z")
> [@Dangerosa](#): > > As were twicks’ responses. She never taunted Maria with “I find this amusing” - she left that for us. She gave Maria the information she asked for, as well as some advice (which may have been unlooked for) about him not changing. > > But Maria had no idea if twicks though she was in an exclusive relationship with JP or not. She just suspected they had some sort of sexual relationship. But no idea of the terms. > > It is possible that of this list of women, twicks is the only one who had an “honest” relationship with JP and Maria has caused a lot of other women a lot of pain. > > (And I generally agree that you should tell, but am regularly shouted down by the “mind your own business” folks). The email responding to Maria was very specific when it didn’t need to be. A few sentences would have sufficed - “Yes, JP and I have been seeing each other for a while; we are more than just friends. I’m sorry if my telling you this causes you pain. I encourage you to talk to JP about this.” It’s short and to the point, and it doesn’t end with a “here-are-the-harsh-realities-of-your-situation”-type ending. ---
**Author:** ![Ferret\_Herder](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/e47774/32.png) [@Ferret\_Herder](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ferret_Herder)\ **Post date:** [March 15, 2010, 8:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/bad-boys-bad-boys-whatcha-gonna-do/532518/52 "2010-03-15T20:27:47Z")
> [@MeanOldLady](#): > > It is certainly better than she left that part out in her correspondence with Maria, but why does she find the situation amusing again? The assumption that all the contacted women will be shocked that JP is seeing other women and mad at him for doing so. ---
**Author:** ![Baby\_Driver](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/258eb7/32.png) [@Baby\_Driver](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Baby_Driver)\ **Post date:** [March 15, 2010, 8:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/bad-boys-bad-boys-whatcha-gonna-do/532518/53 "2010-03-15T20:27:58Z")
I don’t think **twickster** was under any obligation to have written the woman kindly, or to have written her back at all. That said, people do a lot of things they are not really obliged to, because it is the decent thing to do. This: > [@](#): > > I really don’t want to get involved in your soap opera – and this: > [@](#): > > but if you think you’ve got an exclusive relationship with him, you’re wrong – and if you think he’s going to change, you’re also (in my opinion) wrong. struck me as much less kind than it had to be. The facts in the middle portion of the email should have sufficiently and tactfully conveyed the message that you are not interested in jumping on board in some kind of confrontation. There was no need to preface the message with such a cold statement of indifference. Besides, if you weren’t interested in drama, why cc JP? Why not let her Maria confront him (or not) in her own time? ---
**Author:** ![MeanOldLady](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/meanoldlady/32/10737_2.png) [@MeanOldLady](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MeanOldLady)\ **Post date:** [March 15, 2010, 8:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/bad-boys-bad-boys-whatcha-gonna-do/532518/54 "2010-03-15T20:29:05Z")
> [@Ferret\_Herder](#): > > The assumption that all the contacted women will be shocked that JP is seeing other women and mad at him for doing so. Huh. I guess people being hurt or angry is amusing to her. Fair enough. ---
**Author:** ![Ferret\_Herder](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/e47774/32.png) [@Ferret\_Herder](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ferret_Herder)\ **Post date:** [March 15, 2010, 8:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/bad-boys-bad-boys-whatcha-gonna-do/532518/55 "2010-03-15T20:34:17Z")
> [@MeanOldLady](#): > > Huh. I guess people being hurt or angry is amusing to her. Fair enough. I figured it was more a black humor response to a very mistaken supposition that every other woman would be shocked to find out that this guy wasn’t being monogamous with her. Much less willing to go along with some big plan to confront him - I think of [this brilliant plan](http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,536582,00.html) whenever I hear of those ideas. ---
**Author:** ![Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e99b99/32.png) [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Diogenes_the_Cynic)\ **Post date:** [March 15, 2010, 8:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/bad-boys-bad-boys-whatcha-gonna-do/532518/56 "2010-03-15T20:36:10Z")
> [@Ferret\_Herder](#): > > The assumption that all the contacted women will be shocked that JP is seeing other women and mad at him for doing so. I saw no such assumption, but there wouild be nothing amusing about it in any case. ---
**Author:** ![aruvqan](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/aruvqan/32/2891_2.png) [@aruvqan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/aruvqan)\ **Post date:** [March 15, 2010, 9:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/bad-boys-bad-boys-whatcha-gonna-do/532518/57 "2010-03-15T21:40:37Z")
> [@VinylTurnip](#): > > What aspect of her pain—caused by your asshole fuck buddy and likely aggravated by your glib response—would you say you find the most amusing? Personally I would rather know he is knocking boots with someone else. Then I would ask him why he let me keep on thinking we were a monogamous couple. As I was breaking it off with him. [actually, been there, done that.] ---
**Author:** ![twickster](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/ec9cab/32.png) [@twickster](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/twickster)\ **Post date:** [March 16, 2010, 1:57am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/bad-boys-bad-boys-whatcha-gonna-do/532518/58 "2010-03-16T01:57:01Z")
Oh my goodness, what a busy thread this has turned out to be! My apologies for not participating – I’ve been offline all day and am just reading it now. To respond to what seem to be the main points: 1. Why did I tell her JP and I have had sex? She wanted to know. I was not going to lie about it – I haven’t done anything I am ashamed of, and I certainly see no reason to lie to protect JP. (Should I have said “more than just friends” rather than “we sometimes have sex”? That kind of euphemism doesn’t serve to answer the question.) 2. Why did I say “I don’t want to get involved in your soap opera”? To indicate that though I was going to answer her questions – in this email – that would be the end of my participation in whatever scenario she was contemplating. 3. Why did I say “Don’t expect JP to change”? Because I’ve been the person cheated on, and I know that expecting the person to change is the path of true madness. Though unsolicited, I thought that was advice she could benefit from hearing. I still do think so. Could I have said it more gently? Perhaps, but I think a lack of tact from me at that point is probably not her biggest problem at the moment. 4. Why did I cc JP on it? To keep things upfront – this is what she asked, this is how I answered. Just as I see no reason to lie to her to protect JP, I see no reason to lie to JP (by omission) to protect her. 5. Why did I think it was funny? As several have suggested – black humor, the idea that she thought she was contacting someone with this earthshattering news, and that I totally didn’t give a shit. 6. Did I have an obligation to find out that he was seeing someone else who thought it was exclusive? Uh … whuh? Why? He’s divorced, I ascertained that upfront – beyond that, if I’m not treating it as an exclusive relationship (if it is, for me, the very antithesis of an exclusive relationship), what business is it of mine who else he’s seeing and what he’s telling them? Anything else requiring a response from me? ---
**Author:** ![twickster](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/ec9cab/32.png) [@twickster](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/twickster)\ **Post date:** [March 16, 2010, 2:05am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/bad-boys-bad-boys-whatcha-gonna-do/532518/59 "2010-03-16T02:05:14Z")
Maria responded with “thanks for your honesty…I will not involve you in this mess.” JP responded with: > [@](#): > > thanks for the reply > but u didnt really have to give her any details > she was harrassing me…i agreed to see her..started in april 09..not 06 > ended it in dec ..but she doesnt get it > somehow she got into my laptop..and decided to make a mess > > [and then a couple of lines about getting back from California, some stuff about the trip, etc., ending with] > > are we still ok? And, yes, he and I are still okay, because I still don’t see what the Maria thing has to do with me. ---
**Author:** ![Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e99b99/32.png) [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Diogenes_the_Cynic)\ **Post date:** [March 16, 2010, 2:14am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/bad-boys-bad-boys-whatcha-gonna-do/532518/60 "2010-03-16T02:14:39Z")
You don’t see what fucking somebody else’s boyfriend has to do with you? You think it’s “funny” to hurt that person and jab her about not wanting to be involved with her 'soap opera," when you ARE the soap opera. This guy is a scumbag. don’t you care that you’re banging a scumbag, and helping to cause pain to somebody else? Do you bang married guys too? Arte you under the impression that anything that doesn’t hurt you personally is morally ok? Incidentally, the way this douchebag types is morally indefensible all by itself. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/bad-boys-bad-boys-whatcha-gonna-do/532518.md?page=2) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/bad-boys-bad-boys-whatcha-gonna-do/532518.md?page=4)