# Bad one-liners your Dad (or Mom) repeatedly subjected you to, **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [March 1, 2013, 7:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/bad-one-liners-your-dad-or-mom-repeatedly-subjected-you-to/651753 "2013-03-01T19:21:03Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![Srsly\_Dad](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/53a042/32.png) [@Srsly\_Dad](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Srsly_Dad)\ **Post date:** [March 1, 2013, 7:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/bad-one-liners-your-dad-or-mom-repeatedly-subjected-you-to/651753/1 "2013-03-01T19:21:03Z")
When I was young my dad had his standard repertoire of bad one-liners that he would roll out when the situation dictated. Some may have found them amusing wittisims, but to me and my sister they were so oft repeated that we just groaned, rolled our eyes and/or tried to pretend we did not know Dad. When ever we were travelling or waiting for something we always got this one “Like the monkey said when she backed her tail into the fan - it won’t be long now” I would of course not perpetuate this rot with my children and I don’t. You will never hear me utter any of my father’s bad jokes - I have my own unique set of jokes and remarks to make my children groan or hide in embarrassment. When ever one of my progeny whines “I’m bored/hungry/thirsty etc…” I offer a hearty handshake and greet them “Nice to meet you bored, I’m Dad”. I get them groaning and rolling their eyes at me, what really gets me is that they actually laugh at Grandpa’s bad one liners. What bad one-liners/jokes run in the family? Do you repeat your parents material or do you subject your kids to your own unique brand of “humor” ---
**Author:** ![phouka](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/c5a1d2/32.png) [@phouka](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/phouka)\ **Post date:** [March 1, 2013, 7:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/bad-one-liners-your-dad-or-mom-repeatedly-subjected-you-to/651753/2 "2013-03-01T19:24:08Z")
Every time Dad’s asked what he wants to drink with dinner, he say what he wants (glass of wine, a coke, whatever), and add “water’s for washing!” If someone offers him some water, he’ll say he wants a \_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_, not a bath. ---
**Author:** ![drewtwo99](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/d07c76/32.png) [@drewtwo99](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/drewtwo99)\ **Post date:** [March 1, 2013, 7:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/bad-one-liners-your-dad-or-mom-repeatedly-subjected-you-to/651753/3 "2013-03-01T19:25:06Z")
My dad always said, “You’re cruisin’ for a bruisin’!” That scared me straight most of the time. Another one, “I’ll give you something to cry about!” He was also always doling out karate chops and guided missiles. 😃 ---
**Author:** ![tdn](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/94ad74/32.png) [@tdn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tdn)\ **Post date:** [March 1, 2013, 7:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/bad-one-liners-your-dad-or-mom-repeatedly-subjected-you-to/651753/4 "2013-03-01T19:26:44Z")
> [@Srsly\_Dad](#): > > When ever one of my progeny whines “I’m bored/hungry/thirsty etc…” I offer a hearty handshake and greet them “Nice to meet you bored, I’m Dad”. We had a variation on that. It was funniest with my grandmother, Helen. “I’m hungry.” “I’m Helen.” “I’d rather be hungry.” “I’d rather be Helen.” My father had a weird saying: “It must be jelly 'cause jam don’t shake like that.” And every time he sang Happy Birthday, he’d end it by singing “Without a shirt!” (The notes were G A G Bb.) ---
**Author:** ![Pai325](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/c68b51/32.png) [@Pai325](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Pai325)\ **Post date:** [March 1, 2013, 7:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/bad-one-liners-your-dad-or-mom-repeatedly-subjected-you-to/651753/5 "2013-03-01T19:46:36Z")
When my dad came home from the barber and one of us would say “You got a haircut!”, he would say, “I got them all cut.” My mom would also say, “Quit crying or I will give you something to cry about.” ---
**Author:** ![snowthx](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/snowthx/32/10660_2.png) [@snowthx](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/snowthx)\ **Post date:** [March 1, 2013, 7:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/bad-one-liners-your-dad-or-mom-repeatedly-subjected-you-to/651753/6 "2013-03-01T19:59:28Z")
> [@Pai325](#): > > When my dad came home from the barber and one of us would say “You got a haircut!”, he would say, “I got them all cut.” > > My mom would also say, “Quit crying or I will give you something to cry about.” I use those all the time! When someone is complaining and going on about something - “You want some cheese with that?”. “Do NOT! go in there.” (after leaving the bathroom). ---
**Author:** ![CrabRangoon](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/9e8a1a/32.png) [@CrabRangoon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CrabRangoon)\ **Post date:** [March 1, 2013, 8:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/bad-one-liners-your-dad-or-mom-repeatedly-subjected-you-to/651753/7 "2013-03-01T20:07:03Z")
Whenever one of us farts: “Did you hear that duck?” ---
**Author:** ![suranyi](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/e36b37/32.png) [@suranyi](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/suranyi)\ **Post date:** [March 1, 2013, 8:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/bad-one-liners-your-dad-or-mom-repeatedly-subjected-you-to/651753/8 "2013-03-01T20:09:27Z")
When I was a little kid, my grandfather would ask me, “What’s five Q and five Q?” “Ten Q,” I’d say. “You’re welcome!”, he’d say. It works better in a thick Hungarian accent. Man I miss him. ---
**Author:** ![Sicks\_Ate](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/258eb7/32.png) [@Sicks\_Ate](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sicks_Ate)\ **Post date:** [March 1, 2013, 8:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/bad-one-liners-your-dad-or-mom-repeatedly-subjected-you-to/651753/9 "2013-03-01T20:10:08Z")
> [@Srsly\_Dad](#): > > When ever one of my progeny whines “I’m bored/hungry/thirsty etc…” I offer a hearty handshake and greet them “Nice to meet you bored, I’m Dad”. I had to deal with: Dad - Are you read from the sun? Me - Sigh. Yes. Dad - Nicetameetcha Red! I’m Rob, from Earth! > [@tdn](#): > > We had a variation on that. It was funniest with my grandmother, Helen. > > “I’m hungry.” > > “I’m Helen.” > > “I’d rather be hungry.” > > “I’d rather be Helen.” And when I tried to pull that on ol’ Dad: Dad - I’m hungry! Me - Hi Hungry, I’m Sicks. Dad - I’d rather be hungry, I can get over that. ---
**Author:** ![Lsura](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/7993a0/32.png) [@Lsura](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lsura)\ **Post date:** [March 1, 2013, 8:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/bad-one-liners-your-dad-or-mom-repeatedly-subjected-you-to/651753/10 "2013-03-01T20:12:12Z")
From my mother: Child: “hey” Mother “is what horses eat” or, less often: “is cheaper than straw” ---
**Author:** ![tdn](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/94ad74/32.png) [@tdn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tdn)\ **Post date:** [March 1, 2013, 8:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/bad-one-liners-your-dad-or-mom-repeatedly-subjected-you-to/651753/11 "2013-03-01T20:22:25Z")
> [@CrabRangoon](#): > > Whenever one of us farts: “Did you hear that duck?” My father would blame a loose floorboard. ---
**Author:** ![joyfool](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/df788c/32.png) [@joyfool](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/joyfool)\ **Post date:** [March 1, 2013, 10:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/bad-one-liners-your-dad-or-mom-repeatedly-subjected-you-to/651753/12 "2013-03-01T22:31:28Z")
My parents can set their land line phone to have distinct ringtones. The only person who has one is me, their only daughter, and it’s just set to a random trilling of beeps. Whenever I call and dad answers, he always loudly intones, “Ho ho ho, Merry Christmas!” Like Santa, every single time. Yup, that never leaves you at a loss for a response. ---
**Author:** ![Infovore](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/infovore/32/420_2.png) [@Infovore](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Infovore)\ **Post date:** [March 1, 2013, 10:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/bad-one-liners-your-dad-or-mom-repeatedly-subjected-you-to/651753/13 "2013-03-01T22:57:06Z")
The one my dad used to do to me all the time when I was growing up (I think I’ve trained him out of it now that I’m old enough to speak the way I like) is: Me: Can I (do whatever)? Him: I don’t know–can you? Of course, saying ‘Yes, of course I can!’ wasn’t the proper response. We locked horns over that pretty much forever, because even as a young kid I thought saying “May I (do whatever)” sounded ridiculously old-fashioned and prissy. To placate him, I started to say things like, “Is it okay if I (do whatever)?” which seemed to work. He also used to order his eggs “over difficult” at restaurants (for all I know, he still does!). It was years before I realized that wasn’t an actual proper way to order eggs. 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![drewtwo99](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/d07c76/32.png) [@drewtwo99](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/drewtwo99)\ **Post date:** [March 2, 2013, 12:16am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/bad-one-liners-your-dad-or-mom-repeatedly-subjected-you-to/651753/14 "2013-03-02T00:16:18Z")
My dad also whipped out the “This is the world’s smallest violin playing My Heart Bleeds For You” whenever I would whine and complain. That went WAY over my head for the longest time (even though it seems pretty obvious, as a young kid I totally didn’t get it). ---
**Author:** ![neofishboy](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/neofishboy/32/444_2.png) [@neofishboy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/neofishboy)\ **Post date:** [March 2, 2013, 12:56am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/bad-one-liners-your-dad-or-mom-repeatedly-subjected-you-to/651753/15 "2013-03-02T00:56:12Z")
I’m convinced that the only reason my father taught me to say “excuse me” after belching was so that he could respond with “There’s no excuse for you.” And he never did return my nose. ---
**Author:** ![Honey](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/honey/32/5074_2.png) [@Honey](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Honey)\ **Post date:** [March 2, 2013, 1:03am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/bad-one-liners-your-dad-or-mom-repeatedly-subjected-you-to/651753/16 "2013-03-02T01:03:43Z")
> [@Pai325](#): > > When my dad came home from the barber and one of us would say “You got a haircut!”, he would say, “I got them all cut.” > > My mom would also say, “Quit crying or I will give you something to cry about.” My Dad would say “I got my ears lowered” after he got a haircut. > [@CrabRangoon](#): > > Whenever one of us farts: “Did you hear that duck?” My dad used to blame it on Bark Spiders. ---
**Author:** ![Ambivalid](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/a5b964/32.png) [@Ambivalid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ambivalid)\ **Post date:** [March 2, 2013, 2:07am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/bad-one-liners-your-dad-or-mom-repeatedly-subjected-you-to/651753/17 "2013-03-02T02:07:37Z")
Us kids: "How much does (whatever) cost? Dad: “A buck, three-eighty.” Followed by gut-busting laughter. From him. Not us. Kids: “I’m bored.” Dad: “You mean you’re ‘bor-_ing_’.” And lots more; I just don’t remember right now. ---
**Author:** ![medstar](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/f07891/32.png) [@medstar](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/medstar)\ **Post date:** [March 2, 2013, 2:18am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/bad-one-liners-your-dad-or-mom-repeatedly-subjected-you-to/651753/18 "2013-03-02T02:18:57Z")
Whenever any of us kids would ask Dad, “How about we do something fun?”, he’d reply with, “How about let’s don’t and say we did?” Quite infuriating, he said it so often. ---
**Author:** ![mnemosyne](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/c4cdca/32.png) [@mnemosyne](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/mnemosyne)\ **Post date:** [March 2, 2013, 2:27am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/bad-one-liners-your-dad-or-mom-repeatedly-subjected-you-to/651753/19 "2013-03-02T02:27:54Z")
“Nobody knows the truffles I’ve seen.” ---
**Author:** ![blondebear](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/blondebear/32/1022_2.png) [@blondebear](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/blondebear)\ **Post date:** [March 2, 2013, 2:42am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/bad-one-liners-your-dad-or-mom-repeatedly-subjected-you-to/651753/20 "2013-03-02T02:42:53Z")
My dad’s oft-used malapropism was “It’s gotta be Shasta!” (note to youngsters: the Shasta Cola Company’s ad slogan used to be “It hasta be Shasta”) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/bad-one-liners-your-dad-or-mom-repeatedly-subjected-you-to/651753.md?page=2)