# Basic Facebook query: how do I Friend someone while maintaining security? **URL:** \ **Category:** Factual Questions\ **Created:** [June 29, 2014, 5:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/basic-facebook-query-how-do-i-friend-someone-while-maintaining-security/691946 "2014-06-29T17:17:29Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 10\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![Quartz](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/quartz/32/267_2.png) [@Quartz](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Quartz)\ **Post date:** [June 29, 2014, 5:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/basic-facebook-query-how-do-i-friend-someone-while-maintaining-security/691946/1 "2014-06-29T17:17:29Z")
My Facebook security is pretty tight, with most stuff being restricted to Friends Only. However, someone I know wants to stay in touch via Facebook. Her account seems to be even more tightly locked down. I’ve managed to Follow her, but I can’t seem to send her a Friend request, nor she me. She doesn’t turn up in a search in FB but can be directly linked via her messages. And the person who does turn up when I search for her in FB is most definitely not her. What are we missing? ---
**Author:** ![Joey\_P](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/919ad9/32.png) [@Joey\_P](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Joey_P)\ **Post date:** [June 29, 2014, 5:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/basic-facebook-query-how-do-i-friend-someone-while-maintaining-security/691946/2 "2014-06-29T17:47:10Z")
It almost sounds like one of you has the other one blocked, but that theory doesn’t make sense when you say that you’re following her. IIRC, there’s a setting that makes it so you people can’t search for you, she might need to turn that off. But, I’m confused, if you’ve sent messages to each other and you’re following her, you can get to her page, right? Are you just saying the “Add Friend” button isn’t there? ---
**Author:** ![Joey\_P](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/919ad9/32.png) [@Joey\_P](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Joey_P)\ **Post date:** [June 29, 2014, 5:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/basic-facebook-query-how-do-i-friend-someone-while-maintaining-security/691946/3 "2014-06-29T17:51:22Z")
If you click on the lock button at the top of the page and then “see more settings” you’ll see a setting for “who can send me friend requests”. I’ll bet one or both of you have it set to “friends of friends”. Change it to “everyone”. ---
**Author:** ![Quartz](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/quartz/32/267_2.png) [@Quartz](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Quartz)\ **Post date:** [June 29, 2014, 7:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/basic-facebook-query-how-do-i-friend-someone-while-maintaining-security/691946/4 "2014-06-29T19:29:22Z")
> [@Joey\_P](#): > > But, I’m confused, if you’ve sent messages to each other and you’re following her, you can get to her page, right? Correct > [@](#): > > Are you just saying the “Add Friend” button isn’t there? Correct. Ditto for 'Send Friend Request. > [@Joey\_P](#): > > If you click on the lock button at the top of the page and then “see more settings” you’ll see a setting for “who can send me friend requests”. I’ll bet one or both of you have it set to “friends of friends”. Change it to “everyone”. I believe we both have this set. Changing this setting is what neither of us want to do: we don’t want to be spammed with requests. ---
**Author:** ![GusNSpot](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/gusnspot/32/436_2.png) [@GusNSpot](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/GusNSpot)\ **Post date:** [June 29, 2014, 7:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/basic-facebook-query-how-do-i-friend-someone-while-maintaining-security/691946/5 "2014-06-29T19:39:57Z")
Both get on line at the same time, set button to everyone. Do the friend, FOF or Family thing, both now rest the button. Let each other in & then close the gate again… Or do you not trust her to be in your group? ---
**Author:** ![Quartz](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/quartz/32/267_2.png) [@Quartz](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Quartz)\ **Post date:** [June 29, 2014, 8:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/basic-facebook-query-how-do-i-friend-someone-while-maintaining-security/691946/6 "2014-06-29T20:27:16Z")
So, there’s no way to explicitly say, “Allow X”? ---
**Author:** ![The\_Wino](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/c37758/32.png) [@The\_Wino](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/The_Wino)\ **Post date:** [June 29, 2014, 8:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/basic-facebook-query-how-do-i-friend-someone-while-maintaining-security/691946/7 "2014-06-29T20:51:12Z")
You won’t be “spammed with requests”. ---
**Author:** ![Ferret\_Herder](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/e47774/32.png) [@Ferret\_Herder](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ferret_Herder)\ **Post date:** [June 29, 2014, 9:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/basic-facebook-query-how-do-i-friend-someone-while-maintaining-security/691946/8 "2014-06-29T21:47:07Z")
One of you can set invites to Everyone and the other person can invite. After it’s accepted, switch back to FoF status. ---
**Author:** ![PastTense](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/pasttense/32/14550_2.png) [@PastTense](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/PastTense)\ **Post date:** [June 29, 2014, 10:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/basic-facebook-query-how-do-i-friend-someone-while-maintaining-security/691946/9 "2014-06-29T22:14:26Z")
The fundamental approach to security on Facebook is not to post anything which could have negative consequences if someone else saw it: Facebook has a longterm history of changing privacy settings very erratically. ---
**Author:** ![Isilder](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/cc9497/32.png) [@Isilder](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Isilder)\ **Post date:** [June 29, 2014, 10:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/basic-facebook-query-how-do-i-friend-someone-while-maintaining-security/691946/10 "2014-06-29T22:56:36Z")
> [@Quartz](#): > > Correct > > Correct. Ditto for 'Send Friend Request. > > I believe we both have this set. Changing this setting is what neither of us want to do: we don’t want to be spammed with requests. 1. You won’t be spammed with requests. Facebook crack down on any account that attracts spamming complaints. 2. You can change setting as temporarily as you like… if you are talking to the other person you can change your setting, they add you, you add them, you change your setting back… total one minute of exposure.