# Basic Rules For Cats Who Have A House To Run **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [October 18, 2001, 10:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/basic-rules-for-cats-who-have-a-house-to-run/88310 "2001-10-18T22:02:04Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 9\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![drewbert](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/drewbert/32/15890_2.png) [@drewbert](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/drewbert)\ **Post date:** [October 19, 2001, 3:27am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/basic-rules-for-cats-who-have-a-house-to-run/88310/21 "2001-10-19T03:27:45Z")
1. Your human may open the blinds in a window so that you can sit on the sill and watch the outside, but you will not be satisfied until the blinds on the adjacent window are also open. 2. When stalking bed mice or other prey, it is vital to stop, turn around for a moment, and groom yourself in an attempt to fool the prey into thinking you have lost interest. Only then should you attack. ---
**Author:** ![BlackKnight](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/eb8c5e/32.png) [@BlackKnight](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BlackKnight)\ **Post date:** [October 19, 2001, 3:33am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/basic-rules-for-cats-who-have-a-house-to-run/88310/22 "2001-10-19T03:33:42Z")
Cats, be proud of your [heritage](http://www.improbable.com/airchives/paperair/volume7/v7i5/pliocene-pussy.html). You helped humans become what they are today. ---
**Author:** ![Zenster](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/z/cdc98d/32.png) [@Zenster](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Zenster)\ **Post date:** [October 19, 2001, 3:38am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/basic-rules-for-cats-who-have-a-house-to-run/88310/23 "2001-10-19T03:38:44Z")
1. NEVER, ever by even the remotest chance, allow your human to realize the full extent of your stupendous kitty IQ. When being swatted for making lunch out of the rare orchid that has bloomed for the first time in years, immediately repeat the act at the earliest opportunity. When thrust out of the way due to hamperi… HELPING with any activity, display your superior knowledge by assisting even more. NEVER allow your human to train you to do ANYTHING. Revealing the fact that you have a well hidden Einsteinian IQ will only result in your human expecting you to do something that you will never feel like doing (even if you are hungry). ---
**Author:** ![MisterThyristor](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/ecccb3/32.png) [@MisterThyristor](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MisterThyristor)\ **Post date:** [October 19, 2001, 4:02am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/basic-rules-for-cats-who-have-a-house-to-run/88310/24 "2001-10-19T04:02:22Z")
1. Humans can suffer eyestrain from reading or watching TV too long, so be sure and walk all over whatever they are trying to read, especially newspapers and books. Lie down on them if necessary. TVs on the other hand must be walked in front of, stopping in midcourse to admire the look on your human’s face. 2. Chess games are similar to books. Humans need to be reminded that there is not anything quite so fascinating as you, so you must be prepared to sit down on the board to remind them. ---
**Author:** ![zoogirl](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/z/b9bd4f/32.png) [@zoogirl](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/zoogirl)\ **Post date:** [October 19, 2001, 4:12am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/basic-rules-for-cats-who-have-a-house-to-run/88310/25 "2001-10-19T04:12:38Z")
1. Knitting-or “making bisquets” Knitting should always be done with the claws fully extended. Extra points are awarded for knitting on cashmere or silk. The item to be knit on should always be the most expensive item in your humans wardrobe. NEVER knit on old t-shirts, gardening clothes etc. 2. Washing of Private Parts One should always wash the nether regions in full view of the humans. If the humans have company visiting, the best place for a good wash is the middle of the livingroom floor. ---
**Author:** ![DarkWriter](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/ee59a6/32.png) [@DarkWriter](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DarkWriter)\ **Post date:** [October 19, 2001, 4:21am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/basic-rules-for-cats-who-have-a-house-to-run/88310/26 "2001-10-19T04:21:33Z")
1. Laundry Your human leaves baskets of warm, soft clothing in the living room. They are for you to sleep in. It really pleases the female human when the dark-furred among you sleep in the “whites.” 1. Naps Your human fell asleep in front of the TV not because she was tired, but because you weren’t amusing her. Fix this by running as fast as you can across her prone body with your claws extended. Those are shrieks of delight you hear. ---
**Author:** ![Cougarfang](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/c67d28/32.png) [@Cougarfang](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cougarfang)\ **Post date:** [October 19, 2001, 9:32am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/basic-rules-for-cats-who-have-a-house-to-run/88310/27 "2001-10-19T09:32:26Z")
_makes notes on piece of paper_ i can’t believe no one’s consulted the Resident Cat[sup]TM[/sup] here! you guys have covered the bases pretty well [sub]for humans[/sub], but you’ve forgotten the very very importantest thing: FOOD! 1. FOOD a) When the humans are eating, make sure you leave the tip of your tail in their dishes when they are not looking. b) Never eat food from your own bowl if you can steal some from the table. c) Never drink from your own water bowl if a human’s glass is full enough to drink from. d) The best times to inform humans of your dish’s emptiness are when they are unable to ignore you, such as when they are sleeping or on the toilet. If you insist on waking a human at what it considers a “ridiculously early hour” for breakfast, be warned that the human may be as likely to throw you outside or in the basement as to feed you. e) Should you catch something of your own outside, it is only polite to attempt to get to know it. Be insistent–your food will usually not be so polite and try to leave. If you can’t be bothered to eat the food you’ve just caught, be considerate and don’t waste it; it makes a perfect gift for humans! Carefully pick it up and carry it to the human’s house and, if the door is closed, leave it on the doorstep. If the door is open, or there is a cat-flap, take it inside and leave it somewhere highly visible. The gift will be even more welcome if it is still alive! Live birds and mice make the best gifts as humans love a good game of chase just as much as you do, although be careful not to help them; it’s their gift after all. f) Table scraps are delicacies with which the humans are unfortunately unwilling to readily part. It is beneath the Dignity of a cat to beg outright for food as lower forms of life such as dogs will, but several techniques exist for ensuring that the humans don’t forget you exist. These include, but are not limited to: jumping onto the lap of the “softest” human and purring loudly; lying down in the doorway between the dining room and the kitchen, the Direct Stare, and twining around people’s legs as they sit and eat while meowing plaintively. g) Coffee is known to be rejuvenating for both cats and humans. Whenever a human sets a cup of coffee on the floor within your reach, s/he is showing you great respect and worship. Softly blow the divine liquid until cool (you may even put your paw in it to make sure the temperature is just right) and then daintily drink it. h) Occasionally there will be disagreements over what you and the humans will deem as edible. The appropriate action, should the stuff in question be too repulsive to ignore, is to bury it. Scratch at the floor and try to drag over objects to cover the offending item. This informs the ignorant human that it really belongs in the litter box. and the second most importantest thing: CATNIP!!! 1. Most cats think that this strange-looking plant is Food of the Gods and better even than tuna. There are some, however, who are sadly deprived of the ability to enjoy this wonderful treat and will look upon the others with a mixture of confusion and disgust at the utter lack of Dignity of those partaking. If you are one of the latter, please skip to the next section. ---
**Author:** ![daffodil](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/d6d6ee/32.png) [@daffodil](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/daffodil)\ **Post date:** [October 19, 2001, 10:09am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/basic-rules-for-cats-who-have-a-house-to-run/88310/28 "2001-10-19T10:09:11Z")
Another thing about FOOD. Make sure you drag it all over the floor, so you know your slave has to clean. Nothing’s more amusing than running outside in the mud and running in again on a freshly cleaned floor. Also; Contactlenses and toenails aren’t half bad. _I know it’s not “en vogue” to say this on these message-boards, but I was LMAO._ 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![DAVEW0071](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e19b73/32.png) [@DAVEW0071](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DAVEW0071)\ **Post date:** [October 19, 2001, 11:27am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/basic-rules-for-cats-who-have-a-house-to-run/88310/29 "2001-10-19T11:27:38Z")
1. As it is important to maintain the proper feline Feng Shui throughout your house, make the effort to, at random times, bolt like crazy up or down the stairs and through various rooms. Then stop suddenly and lick your sides. Your slaves don’t realize it, but doing so keeps the cosmic balance of your environment in harmony with the stars. Once this is achieved, you can go back to doing whatever it was you were doing, like crouching under the dining room table staring at nothing. 1. Crouching and staring at nothing. You probably already know that there are things out there that only cats can see. Humans obviously can’t see them, or they’d be crouching and staring too. Above all else, don’t lose sight of the thing that is just to the left of any human. They’re the ones you really have to watch. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/basic-rules-for-cats-who-have-a-house-to-run/88310.md?page=1)