# Bathroom Graffitti's Greatest Hits! **URL:** \ **Category:** Cafe Society\ **Created:** [July 1, 2005, 4:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/bathroom-graffittis-greatest-hits/310717 "2005-07-01T16:51:04Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![SafyreSchool](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/f6c823/32.png) [@SafyreSchool](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SafyreSchool)\ **Post date:** [July 1, 2005, 4:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/bathroom-graffittis-greatest-hits/310717/1 "2005-07-01T16:51:04Z")
you see it everywhere. sounds pretty self-explanatory to me. Post here, Bathroom Graffitti’s Greatest Hits! -or leave your own! “If only my wife were THIS dirty!” “Kilroy shat here.” “Billy is FABUULOUUUUSSSS” “For a good time, call that cheating \*&^# of a wife at…” “Scott wuz here. 1977 Scott wuz here. 1986 Scott wuz here. 1999 I killed Scott. 2003” ---
**Author:** ![tdn](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/94ad74/32.png) [@tdn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tdn)\ **Post date:** [July 1, 2005, 5:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/bathroom-graffittis-greatest-hits/310717/2 "2005-07-01T17:05:29Z")
Anyone can piss on the floor. Be a hero. Shit on the ceiling. Here I sit, broken hearted. Came to shit and only farted. Some come here to sit and think. Some come here to shit and stink. But I come here to scratch my balls, And read the bullshit on these walls. ---
**Author:** ![Don\_Draper](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/b2d939/32.png) [@Don\_Draper](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Don_Draper)\ **Post date:** [July 1, 2005, 5:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/bathroom-graffittis-greatest-hits/310717/3 "2005-07-01T17:11:12Z")
Written in a stall in “Broadway Joe’s” (Buffalo, NY) in one distinctive handwriting: “I fucked your mother!” Written in a distinctly different handwriting just below it: “Go home Dad, you’re drunk!” * * * Written on “the Phoenix” (lower east side of Manhattan) men’s room wall : “You’re the load of cum your mother should have swallowed!” ---
**Author:** ![Hey\_It\_s\_That\_Guy](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/6f9a4e/32.png) [@Hey\_It\_s\_That\_Guy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Hey_It_s_That_Guy)\ **Post date:** [July 1, 2005, 5:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/bathroom-graffittis-greatest-hits/310717/4 "2005-07-01T17:11:53Z")
My high school in Miami had some gangs. I’ll never forget this bathroom graffitti: “The Frijoles Clan had intimate carnal knowledge of your mother!” And a reply, in different handwriting: “The Frijoles Clan had intimate carnal knowledge of EVERYBODY’S mother!” ---
**Author:** ![AskNott](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/asknott/32/5790_2.png) [@AskNott](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AskNott)\ **Post date:** [July 1, 2005, 5:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/bathroom-graffittis-greatest-hits/310717/5 "2005-07-01T17:14:20Z")
King Norton is so nasty, he has to sneak up on his own dick to take a piss. (Near the ceiling) My name is Too Tall, and I wrote this. (Just above that) I am taller yet! (On the ceiling) I’m taller than the both of you. ---
**Author:** ![Casey1505](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/dc4da7/32.png) [@Casey1505](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Casey1505)\ **Post date:** [July 1, 2005, 5:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/bathroom-graffittis-greatest-hits/310717/6 "2005-07-01T17:25:35Z")
“I Fucked your mother!” To which someone responded, “Go home, Dad, you’re drunk.” ---
**Author:** ![St\_Ides](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ccd318/32.png) [@St\_Ides](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/St_Ides)\ **Post date:** [July 1, 2005, 5:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/bathroom-graffittis-greatest-hits/310717/7 "2005-07-01T17:27:21Z")
Seen on the wall at Canadian Forces Base Borden, in '98 "I’ve been sittin and a’squeezin, Pinchin’ and a’gruntin, No matter what happens it just won’t flow Oh there it goes! The mother load! It’s big, it’s wet and it’s green; has eyes, so it seems. Oh fuck… I just shit a toad." ---
**Author:** ![Mollie\_Magill](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/mollie_magill/32/20882_2.png) [@Mollie\_Magill](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mollie_Magill)\ **Post date:** [July 1, 2005, 5:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/bathroom-graffittis-greatest-hits/310717/8 "2005-07-01T17:41:44Z")
“There once was a poem with only one line.” ---
**Author:** ![Hello\_Again](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/85e7bf/32.png) [@Hello\_Again](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Hello_Again)\ **Post date:** [July 1, 2005, 5:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/bathroom-graffittis-greatest-hits/310717/9 "2005-07-01T17:49:03Z")
“I masturbated in here” “Perhaps you need A Room of Your Own, like Virginia Woolf” ---
**Author:** ![Pythian\_Habenero](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/a6a055/32.png) [@Pythian\_Habenero](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Pythian_Habenero)\ **Post date:** [July 1, 2005, 6:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/bathroom-graffittis-greatest-hits/310717/10 "2005-07-01T18:02:28Z")
The classic, spotted by someone and remembered forever by me: ------ **THE** **END IS^NEAR** ---
**Author:** ![Kaspar\_Hauser](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/b3f665/32.png) [@Kaspar\_Hauser](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kaspar_Hauser)\ **Post date:** [July 1, 2005, 6:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/bathroom-graffittis-greatest-hits/310717/11 "2005-07-01T18:37:27Z")
Next to the toilet seat covers: “Free cowboy hats!” ---
**Author:** ![JohnBckWLD](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/d6d6ee/32.png) [@JohnBckWLD](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/JohnBckWLD)\ **Post date:** [July 1, 2005, 6:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/bathroom-graffittis-greatest-hits/310717/12 "2005-07-01T18:45:14Z")
Not graffitti, but alongside our No Diving - Shallow Water & OSHA ‘Wear Face Masks’ signs in the company bathrooms is this [Bathroom Etiquette Rules Sheet](http://public.fotki.com/JohnBuckLINY/work_stuff/bathroom_etiquette.html) ---
**Author:** ![pope\_hentai](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/ee59a6/32.png) [@pope\_hentai](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/pope_hentai)\ **Post date:** [July 1, 2005, 6:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/bathroom-graffittis-greatest-hits/310717/13 "2005-07-01T18:49:17Z")
a friend of mine saw one writtin in the grout of the floor of a restroom… you had to lean and squint to read it, once in the position it read “you are now sh\*tting at a 45 degree angle” in another restroom was “if you take a sh\*t put it back” ---
**Author:** ![Cliffy](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/59ef9b/32.png) [@Cliffy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cliffy)\ **Post date:** [July 1, 2005, 6:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/bathroom-graffittis-greatest-hits/310717/14 "2005-07-01T18:53:48Z")
In one particular bathroom in my high school everyone wrote jokes on the wall over the urinals. There were dozens, but the best was “Don’t look up here – the joke is in your hand.” –Cliffy ---
**Author:** ![Man\_With\_a\_Cat](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/cab0a1/32.png) [@Man\_With\_a\_Cat](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Man_With_a_Cat)\ **Post date:** [July 1, 2005, 7:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/bathroom-graffittis-greatest-hits/310717/15 "2005-07-01T19:21:57Z")
I’ve mentioned this one before. In the 70’s there used to be AAU track & field meets in the old fieldhouse at the University of Chicago. Anyone running there will remember the red clay, and marvelously pinkish red boogers that resulted. But I digress… On the wall of a stall there: “Richard Nixon took his wife to see Deep Throat 3 times before he finally got it down Pat” Another I can’t recreate but can only describe, was a drawing of the molecular symbol for benzene, but with the downward pointing peace-sign looking thing in the middle. The caption read “Mercedes Benzene” If you’re a chemist, you can picture it. It was funny at the time, I swear… ---
**Author:** ![spiralscratch](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/dfb087/32.png) [@spiralscratch](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/spiralscratch)\ **Post date:** [July 1, 2005, 7:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/bathroom-graffittis-greatest-hits/310717/16 "2005-07-01T19:24:37Z")
Above a urinal somewhere: “Do not eat the big white mint” ---
**Author:** ![Hung\_Mung](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/a88e4f/32.png) [@Hung\_Mung](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Hung_Mung)\ **Post date:** [July 1, 2005, 7:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/bathroom-graffittis-greatest-hits/310717/17 "2005-07-01T19:48:28Z")
“Do not throw cigarette butts into the urinal. It makes them soggy and hard to light.” “Do not throw toothpicks into the urinal. The crabs have learned to pole vault.” At the University of Tennessee, there was a universal graffitto in many men’s restroom stalls: On the toilet paper dispenser in large, black letters was scrawled, “UT DIPLOMAS: TAKE ONE.” Anyone who’s used a stall in Hodges Library knows what I’m talking about. In a rest stop bathroom on the way to Orlando (so somewhere in Georgia): “Butt sex is for assholes.” Here’s one I found elsewhere… “Fight for the rights of the pansexual.” After the usual bible-beater remarks about how homosexuality is a sin, and all pansexuals will therefore burn in hell, there as a string of humorous responses. The first was “Does that mean you fuck a little guy with hooves and a flute?” they followed: “or does he fuck you?” “and what role, if any, is played by the flute?” “It plays an octave, albeit minor, role.” ---
**Author:** ![whack\_and\_blight](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/85f322/32.png) [@whack\_and\_blight](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/whack_and_blight)\ **Post date:** [July 1, 2005, 7:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/bathroom-graffittis-greatest-hits/310717/18 "2005-07-01T19:49:40Z")
I saw this in a gas station just over the Alabama border. Don’t bother not touching the seat, Alabama crabs jump 5 to 10 feet. ---
**Author:** ![Biffy\_the\_Elephant\_Shrew](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/e47c2d/32.png) [@Biffy\_the\_Elephant\_Shrew](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Biffy_the_Elephant_Shrew)\ **Post date:** [July 1, 2005, 8:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/bathroom-graffittis-greatest-hits/310717/19 "2005-07-01T20:00:44Z")
In the Humanities Library at UCSD, someone quoted Captain Beefheart: **I was shanghaied By a high hat beaver mustache man 'n his pirate friend I woke up in vomit 'n beer In a banana bin…** …to which another hand replied: **Bah. This stuff sucks.** Everybody’s a critic! ---
**Author:** ![tanstaafl](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/ba8739/32.png) [@tanstaafl](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tanstaafl)\ **Post date:** [July 1, 2005, 10:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/bathroom-graffittis-greatest-hits/310717/20 "2005-07-01T22:10:28Z")
Above a urinal: LOOK UP a few feet above that HIGHER near the ceiling HIGHER and, on the ceiling itself LOOK DOWN, QUICK! YOU’RE PISSING ON YOUR SHOES! [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/bathroom-graffittis-greatest-hits/310717.md?page=2)