# Batman vs. Jack Bauer vs. Chuck Norris vs. Xena **URL:** \ **Category:** Cafe Society\ **Created:** [January 6, 2008, 7:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/batman-vs-jack-bauer-vs-chuck-norris-vs-xena/432523 "2008-01-06T19:50:08Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 8\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![FriarTed](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/friarted/32/1052_2.png) [@FriarTed](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/FriarTed)\ **Post date:** [January 7, 2008, 1:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/batman-vs-jack-bauer-vs-chuck-norris-vs-xena/432523/21 "2008-01-07T13:38:18Z")
[QUOTE=Mosier] Wait, Jack Bauer isn’t Batman? [/QUOTE] Oh damn, THAT should have been the casting for Batman Forever! ---
**Author:** ![BlackKnight](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/eb8c5e/32.png) [@BlackKnight](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BlackKnight)\ **Post date:** [January 7, 2008, 2:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/batman-vs-jack-bauer-vs-chuck-norris-vs-xena/432523/22 "2008-01-07T14:11:45Z")
[QUOTE=Snarky\_Kong] The power difference between the two Chucks is like comparing a sedated kitten to a T-1000 though. In any case I think the answer is [Mr. Rogers](http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=xwBK31tC5QM) . [/QUOTE] I concur. God I love that song. It’s just completely genius-ly stupid, or stupidly genius. Or something. ---
**Author:** ![JThunder](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/e95f7d/32.png) [@JThunder](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/JThunder)\ **Post date:** [January 7, 2008, 2:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/batman-vs-jack-bauer-vs-chuck-norris-vs-xena/432523/23 "2008-01-07T14:14:37Z")
[QUOTE=Wolfian] At least twice in the past year, in the JLA/JSA crossover and in The Brave and the Bold. [/QUOTE] I wouldn’t consider “twice” to be several times. As for the JLA/JSA crossover, KK was disoriented at the time (albeit still extremely formidable!), and Bruce had help from Black Lightning. I can’t easily explain away his victory in _The Brave and The Bold_, though. :dubious: ---
**Author:** ![Scumpup](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ce73a5/32.png) [@Scumpup](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Scumpup)\ **Post date:** [January 7, 2008, 2:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/batman-vs-jack-bauer-vs-chuck-norris-vs-xena/432523/24 "2008-01-07T14:22:31Z")
Since Ripped-shirt Kirk isn’t part of the contest, the exercise is without validity. ---
**Author:** ![armedmonkey](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/d6d6ee/32.png) [@armedmonkey](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/armedmonkey)\ **Post date:** [January 7, 2008, 2:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/batman-vs-jack-bauer-vs-chuck-norris-vs-xena/432523/25 "2008-01-07T14:55:08Z")
_The following takes place in Gotham, Oklahoma; 9:35 AM_ Believing Chuck Norris to be the softest target because of lack of armor, Jack Bauer fires at him but the bullets bounce off Chuck’s beard. Seeing an unarmed man under attack, Xena dispatches Jack with her chakrum and faces off against Chuck Norris. Batman waits in the shadows. Chuck Norris is confused at first but Xena’s big weakness is that she always talks more than she fights, and she taunts Chuck with the fact that she’s a lesbian pagan. An evangelical Chuck Norris righteously Christian bitch slaps her in Oklahoma to “knock the gay outta’ her”. She falls into the ocean. Batman, always prepared, slings his Bat-norelco from the shadows and shaves off Chuck Norris’ beard. The clean shaven Chuck, now powerless, is easily defeated by Batman Batman stops to brood over his victory unaware that Chuck Norris’ beard, no longer fettered by it’s human shackles, has become the most powerful being in the galaxy. It roundhouse kicks Batman into low Earth orbit. Ripped shirt Kirk stumbles out of a bar with a green skinned woman on each arm. Muttering something about “damn tribbles” he grinds Chuck Norris beard into dust with the heel of his shoe. ---
**Author:** ![DanBlather](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/f4b2a3/32.png) [@DanBlather](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DanBlather)\ **Post date:** [January 7, 2008, 3:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/batman-vs-jack-bauer-vs-chuck-norris-vs-xena/432523/26 "2008-01-07T15:03:46Z")
All I know is none of them “gets in the way of an O’Reilly shot”. ---
**Author:** ![p4poetic](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/ed8c4c/32.png) [@p4poetic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/p4poetic)\ **Post date:** [January 28, 2008, 4:29am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/batman-vs-jack-bauer-vs-chuck-norris-vs-xena/432523/27 "2008-01-28T04:29:59Z")
An angry Xena (who is generally never very ‘happy’ or content with life) always wins. [QUOTE=A Monkey With a Gun] Chuck Norris is confused at first but Xena’s big weakness is that she always talks more than she fights, [/QUOTE] Umm, since when?? ---
**Author:** ![Oslo\_Ostragoth](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/a9a28c/32.png) [@Oslo\_Ostragoth](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Oslo_Ostragoth)\ **Post date:** [January 28, 2008, 5:48am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/batman-vs-jack-bauer-vs-chuck-norris-vs-xena/432523/28 "2008-01-28T05:48:48Z")
[slight hijack] Speaking of Batman, one of the things I found most hilarious in the '60’s series was when the bad guy was slowly lowering Batman and Robin into some water chock-full of hungry sharks. Batman calmy retrieved his Batman brand Shark Repellant from his utility belt and used it to clear the sharks from the water. Turns out there is such a thing. On a show I saw recently (on TDC?), a scientist figured out that sharks can’t stand the scent of dead sharks. So he concentrated some, or synthesized it, or whatever, and sure enough: drop it into the water, and sharks flee. Batman was years ahead of his time. [/slight hijack] [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/batman-vs-jack-bauer-vs-chuck-norris-vs-xena/432523.md?page=1)