# Batman vs. the cast of Friends **URL:** \ **Category:** Cafe Society\ **Created:** [May 16, 2003, 5:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/batman-vs-the-cast-of-friends/175729 "2003-05-16T17:58:12Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 17\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![JThunder](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/e95f7d/32.png) [@JThunder](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/JThunder)\ **Post date:** [May 16, 2003, 5:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/batman-vs-the-cast-of-friends/175729/1 "2003-05-16T17:58:12Z")
Who’d win? ---
**Author:** ![Scumpup](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ce73a5/32.png) [@Scumpup](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Scumpup)\ **Post date:** [May 16, 2003, 6:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/batman-vs-the-cast-of-friends/175729/2 "2003-05-16T18:45:51Z")
Batman would kick all of them in the nuts and end it right there. Batman knows more about kicking unfunny sitcom actors in the nuts than anybody. ---
**Author:** ![vibrotronica](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/v/a9a28c/32.png) [@vibrotronica](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/vibrotronica)\ **Post date:** [May 16, 2003, 7:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/batman-vs-the-cast-of-friends/175729/3 "2003-05-16T19:03:00Z")
Batman, if he’s prepared. ---
**Author:** ![ultrafilter](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/u/3d9bf3/32.png) [@ultrafilter](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ultrafilter)\ **Post date:** [May 16, 2003, 7:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/batman-vs-the-cast-of-friends/175729/4 "2003-05-16T19:08:09Z")
Screw Batman. Let’s pit them against Lobo. ---
**Author:** ![Ryan\_Liam](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ryan_liam/32/3965_2.png) [@Ryan\_Liam](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ryan_Liam)\ **Post date:** [May 16, 2003, 7:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/batman-vs-the-cast-of-friends/175729/5 "2003-05-16T19:19:06Z")
chandler would use his inane chatter to bore Batman to death… but then again so would the rest of them ---
**Author:** ![Phelan](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/a183cd/32.png) [@Phelan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Phelan)\ **Post date:** [May 16, 2003, 7:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/batman-vs-the-cast-of-friends/175729/6 "2003-05-16T19:55:33Z")
Without putting much thought into it, I have come up with the following scenario which would definitely happen if Batman decided to take on the FRIENDS!!! Batman strolls into the Central Perk and approaches the gang as they are sitting and drinking coffee while they discuss politics and stuff…. Ross: So anyways I says to Mavis I says…… Batman: Stop your yammering you miscreants and prepare to be beaten to a pulp, then have your asses hauled of to jail!!! Monica: Why? Batman: Your little clique is harder to infiltrate than any organized family in the history of Gotham or New York, so that means you are up to something!! Phoebe: That doesn’t mean anything; we’re just a group of friends that socialize with each other and the occasional girlfriend or boyfriend! Batman: You LIE!!! You probably killed my parents too!! And whichever Robin is dead!!! Chandler: Wasn’t that the Joker? Batman: Shut it!! Now let me introduce you to my **friend** PAIN!!! Batman dropkicks the couch sending three of the friends flying backwards and then he jumps on the coffee table, spots Gunther, thinks he’s the Riddler, and nails him in the noggin with let’s just say a BATTO-RANG!! Since Batman is distracted, Rachel and Joey sneak up behind with a scalding pot of coffee and dump it in Batman’s eyes!!! Batman: Ow my EYES!! You spilled hot coffee in them. I forgot my anti-coffee goggles!!! Batman then stumbles to the door while sputtering… Batman: You haven’t seen the last of me!! I’ll get you!! Here comes dah pain!! But actually he was wrong. Due to being blinded by the searing hot coffee, he stumbled into the street and was hit by a cab. FRIENDS WIN!!! FRIENDS WIN!!! This scenario is plausible. ---
**Author:** ![kingpengvin](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/9dc877/32.png) [@kingpengvin](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kingpengvin)\ **Post date:** [May 16, 2003, 8:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/batman-vs-the-cast-of-friends/175729/7 "2003-05-16T20:07:12Z")
uhhhhh no. That was not plausible in the slightest for one The Batman does not speak like the Tick Two, He would have easily ducked the Coffee and returned a painful judo chop to the midsection winding the attacker long enough for him to send the other flying with a haymaker Batman may have bruised his knuckles against the cement block that is Joey’s head. But he would have kicked his teeth out in the rage that followed the pain. This is swiftly followed by a swift flying kick to Ross who would have been in a corner flailing and screaming like a little girl. Oh yes and Three: he would never walk up to them and chat. Instead he would lurk in the darkness and pick them off one by one. ---
**Author:** ![photopat](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/e95f7d/32.png) [@photopat](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/photopat)\ **Post date:** [May 16, 2003, 8:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/batman-vs-the-cast-of-friends/175729/8 "2003-05-16T20:17:18Z")
Batman with one punch. Yes, one punch would take out all 3 of the guys. The women, needless to say, wouldn’t want to _fight_ Batman. ---
**Author:** ![cmkeller](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cmkeller/32/118_2.png) [@cmkeller](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/cmkeller)\ **Post date:** [May 16, 2003, 9:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/batman-vs-the-cast-of-friends/175729/9 "2003-05-16T21:13:26Z")
Cast of Friends all the way. Phoebe will start singing “Smelly Bat”, Batman breaks down crying, end of fight. ---
**Author:** ![White\_Lightning](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/f04885/32.png) [@White\_Lightning](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/White_Lightning)\ **Post date:** [May 16, 2003, 11:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/batman-vs-the-cast-of-friends/175729/10 "2003-05-16T23:17:59Z")
Everybody who posted here after the first two responses, shame on you. This OP followed by the first two posts may be the most perfect sequence of posts _ever_. God. That’s how you know something is _really_ funny – you know exactly what’s going to be said and it still cracks you up. ---
**Author:** ![JThunder](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/e95f7d/32.png) [@JThunder](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/JThunder)\ **Post date:** [May 17, 2003, 1:22am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/batman-vs-the-cast-of-friends/175729/11 "2003-05-17T01:22:17Z")
“Hey, Batgirl. How YOU doin’?” ---
**Author:** ![Evil\_Captor](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/f17d59/32.png) [@Evil\_Captor](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Evil_Captor)\ **Post date:** [May 17, 2003, 6:06am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/batman-vs-the-cast-of-friends/175729/12 "2003-05-17T06:06:58Z")
Batman goes through Rachel, Ross and Chandler pretty easily, but when he goes after Monica he isn’t prepared for her freakish strength and winds up unconscious on the floor. ---
**Author:** ![Ranchoth](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ranchoth/32/1066_2.png) [@Ranchoth](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ranchoth)\ **Post date:** [May 17, 2003, 6:23am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/batman-vs-the-cast-of-friends/175729/13 "2003-05-17T06:23:11Z")
But…could Batman defeat them using only good-natured yet inane chit-chat? ---
**Author:** ![JThunder](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/e95f7d/32.png) [@JThunder](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/JThunder)\ **Post date:** [May 17, 2003, 6:54am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/batman-vs-the-cast-of-friends/175729/14 "2003-05-17T06:54:14Z")
If he’s prepared, then yes. ---
**Author:** ![JThunder](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/e95f7d/32.png) [@JThunder](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/JThunder)\ **Post date:** [May 17, 2003, 6:56am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/batman-vs-the-cast-of-friends/175729/15 "2003-05-17T06:56:12Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Scumpup \* > \*\*Batman would kick all of them in the nuts and end it right there. Batman knows more about kicking unfunny sitcom actors in the nuts than anybody. \*\* Um, need I point out that this would only allow him to defeat _half_ of the Friends gang? Not counting Gunther, mind you. ---
**Author:** ![Mockingbird](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/c68b51/32.png) [@Mockingbird](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mockingbird)\ **Post date:** [May 17, 2003, 7:27am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/batman-vs-the-cast-of-friends/175729/16 "2003-05-17T07:27:21Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by JThunder \* > \*\*Who’d win? \*\* Say… you’ve got issues, haven’t you? ---
**Author:** ![Lizard](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/dfb087/32.png) [@Lizard](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lizard)\ **Post date:** [May 17, 2003, 7:30am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/batman-vs-the-cast-of-friends/175729/17 "2003-05-17T07:30:40Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Phelan \* > \*\* > Batman dropkicks the couch sending three of the friends flying backwards and then he jumps on the coffee table, _spots Gunther, thinks he’s the Riddler, and nails him in the noggin with let’s just say a BATTO-RANG!!_ [emphasis added] > Since Batman is distracted, Rachel and Joey sneak up behind with a scalding pot of coffee and dump it in Batman’s eyes!!! > \*\* You had me until Batman touched Gunther. Nobody touches Gunther! _Nobody!_