# Battle of the Fake Meats **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [September 26, 2004, 2:47am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/battle-of-the-fake-meats/266117 "2004-09-26T02:47:41Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![slortar](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/6bbea6/32.png) [@slortar](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/slortar)\ **Post date:** [September 27, 2004, 2:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/battle-of-the-fake-meats/266117/21 "2004-09-27T14:32:22Z")
Well, Philster. I have lunch in an hour and a couple of boca garlicburgers in the freezer. I’ll have them in your honor. 😃 ---
**Author:** ![don\_t\_ask](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e68b1a/32.png) [@don\_t\_ask](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/don_t_ask)\ **Post date:** [September 27, 2004, 2:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/battle-of-the-fake-meats/266117/22 "2004-09-27T14:42:47Z")
The only tinned meats I use are corned beef (which becomes hash with mashed potatoes,corn and cheese) and SPAM Hot and Spicy, which is pretty hot and spicy and makes a splendid sandwich with thick sliced tomato and lettuce. ---
**Author:** ![Podkayne](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/edb3f5/32.png) [@Podkayne](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Podkayne)\ **Post date:** [September 27, 2004, 2:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/battle-of-the-fake-meats/266117/23 "2004-09-27T14:47:19Z")
Those Morningstar “chix” patties are awesome. I like them better than real chicken patties. They give me truly foul gas, though! I also love Gardenburgers. You can throw them on the grill at an omnivore barbecue, and they are available at some fast-food venues where the only other healthy option is a “garden” salad (iceberg lettuce, plasticy wedges of tomato, meagre, industrial carrot gratings, and fat-free dressing.) Gardenburgers taste good with ketchup and mustard, which makes them an appropriate substitute for a beefy burger, in my book. As **TeaElle** says, you can’t compare them to meat. They aren’t meat. They aren’t _supposed_ to taste like meat. Same thing with tofu. I love tofu, just for its natural tofu-y goodness. I think a lot of people get turned off by tofu because people say, “Try it, it tastes just like [insert meat product here.]” When they take a bite, instead of something with the taste and texture of rich, delicious, juicy meat they get a mouthful of _tofu._ Well, duh. Obviously, once your expectations are raised, it’s going to seem like the blandest thing on the planet. It simply doesn’t taste like meat, and anyone who says they can cook it so it tastes just like [meat product] is delusional. But there are many delicious ways to prepare tofu, and many different varieties of tofu. If I had a choice between cooking with tofu or with chicken every night for a month, I can get a greater variety of tasty dishes out of the tofu, that’s for sure. ---
**Author:** ![ruadh](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/d2c977/32.png) [@ruadh](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ruadh)\ **Post date:** [September 27, 2004, 3:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/battle-of-the-fake-meats/266117/24 "2004-09-27T15:19:24Z")
Trader Joe’s also makes a veggie curry burger. It is _delicious._ ---
**Author:** ![Philster](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/13edae/32.png) [@Philster](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Philster)\ **Post date:** [September 27, 2004, 3:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/battle-of-the-fake-meats/266117/25 "2004-09-27T15:29:41Z")
Hey, about the BK veggie burger. The hardest thing about eating it was ordering it. It’s like walking in and saying, “I’m a freak.” **slortar** , that is just not nice. 😛 ---
**Author:** ![Ike\_Witt](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ike_witt/32/283_2.png) [@Ike\_Witt](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ike_Witt)\ **Post date:** [September 27, 2004, 4:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/battle-of-the-fake-meats/266117/26 "2004-09-27T16:34:01Z")
**ITR champion** , I see that you live in Nashville. There is a [Houston’s](http://www.houstons.com/) there, and I assume that the menu is roughly the same at all locations, they have a fantastic garden buger. Everything is good there and I recommend the restaurant if you’ve never been. ---
**Author:** ![Hypno-Toad](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/b2d939/32.png) [@Hypno-Toad](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Hypno-Toad)\ **Post date:** [September 27, 2004, 5:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/battle-of-the-fake-meats/266117/27 "2004-09-27T17:00:33Z")
Hey Dopers, How do these things stack up from a dietary point of view? If I substitute say a veggie burger for a regular burger, am I reducing caloric intake? It seems like this could be a way to take care of the Meat Cravings which handicapped previous diet attempts. ---
**Author:** ![slortar](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/6bbea6/32.png) [@slortar](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/slortar)\ **Post date:** [September 27, 2004, 5:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/battle-of-the-fake-meats/266117/28 "2004-09-27T17:17:17Z")
> [@Philster](#): > > Hey, about the BK veggie burger. The hardest thing about eating it was ordering it. It’s like walking in and saying, “I’m a freak.” > **slortar** , that is just not nice. 😛 I even wrote your name on the bun in sriracha sauce. 😃 **Hypno-Toad** : from my memory of the nutritional information box I’d say they’re quite a bit healthier than normal burgers (well, in the sense that they have far fewer calories). A Boca patty is about 90 calories, almost all of which is coming from protein. Very little fat and carbs, as I recall. Dunno about the other brands, although I suspect they’re similar. ---
**Author:** ![Dogzilla](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e480ec/32.png) [@Dogzilla](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dogzilla)\ **Post date:** [September 27, 2004, 5:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/battle-of-the-fake-meats/266117/29 "2004-09-27T17:24:41Z")
> [@Hypno-Toad](#): > > Hey Dopers, > > How do these things stack up from a dietary point of view? If I substitute say a veggie burger for a regular burger, am I reducing caloric intake? It seems like this could be a way to take care of the Meat Cravings which handicapped previous diet attempts. Protein = higher than veggies, lower than meat; still a great source of protein for those of us who are strict veggies. Most of these are soy-based. fat = significantly lower than real Meat Calories = because of reduced fat, calories are lower as well. Carbs = a little lower if you go for the non-breaded choices. IMHO: This is a great way to reduce meat cravings. I love Morningstar Farms breakfast “meats”. It’s been so long since I’ve had real bacon that their fake bacon works like a charm in my F-BLTs (Fake Bacon, Lettuce and Tomato). Tastes exactly the same to me with zero fat. The fake sausage is also dead-on. I also love their philly steak and cheese fake burger. With some vegetarian mushroom gravy, smashed garlic taters and some grilled veggies, it’s just like eating meatloaf and gravy. (Of course I make excellent gravy, with or without the meat.) I have found Boca burgers to be lacking and haven’t come across many other brands. ---
**Author:** ![Dogzilla](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e480ec/32.png) [@Dogzilla](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dogzilla)\ **Post date:** [September 27, 2004, 5:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/battle-of-the-fake-meats/266117/30 "2004-09-27T17:28:53Z")
Oh, and BK veggie burgers? IIRC they are microwaved garden burgers. If they’d just toss 'em on that flame grill, they’d be oh-so-much better. I just put it out of my mind that BK actually offers veggie options and order off the menu at Taco Bell. Hey, we all have our weaknesses. I can get everything on Taco Bell’s menu without the meat and substitute the beans instead: love it. I wouldn’t feed my dogs BK’s veggie burger. Chili’s has awesome veggie burgers as well and will make any of their standard burgers with a veggie patty, which has a lot of black beans. Very yummy. (Those I would feed the dogs!) ---
**Author:** ![Philster](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/13edae/32.png) [@Philster](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Philster)\ **Post date:** [September 27, 2004, 5:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/battle-of-the-fake-meats/266117/31 "2004-09-27T17:50:55Z")
> [@slortar](#): > > I even wrote your name on the bun in sriracha sauce. 😃 > > . Okay, now you’re being downright cruel. Sriracha sauce is the single biggest reason I can eat healthy **and** be happy. ---
**Author:** ![Trunk](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/87869e/32.png) [@Trunk](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Trunk)\ **Post date:** [September 27, 2004, 6:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/battle-of-the-fake-meats/266117/32 "2004-09-27T18:15:40Z")
Here are some of the ones I enjoy. . . ~ Misteak ~ Soystrami ~ Mockwurst ~ Nauseages ~ Prosciuttofu ~ Approximeat ~ Roast, Almost ~ Kielbeancurdasa ~ Soysters Rockefeller ~ Nofu: The Tofu Substitute ~ Fake-un Double Cheesebulghur ~ I Can’t Believe It’s Not A Dead Animal! (I stole that from a website, which might have stole it from the Onion -Trunk) ---
**Author:** ![Hypno-Toad](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/b2d939/32.png) [@Hypno-Toad](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Hypno-Toad)\ **Post date:** [September 27, 2004, 6:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/battle-of-the-fake-meats/266117/33 "2004-09-27T18:34:09Z")
Trunk, You forgot “Tofuck You, Meat Lover!” ---
**Author:** ![Magiver](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/4491bb/32.png) [@Magiver](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Magiver)\ **Post date:** [September 27, 2004, 6:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/battle-of-the-fake-meats/266117/34 "2004-09-27T18:42:01Z")
> [@Philster](#): > > Hey, about the BK veggie burger. The hardest thing about eating it was ordering it. It’s like walking in and saying, “I’m a freak.” > > **slortar** , that is just not nice. 😛 I’m laughing at this because of my recent experience. It reminded me of a movie where some guy is trying to buy condoms and the cashier asks for the price over the loud speaker. (price on Rough Riders, isle 2). 3 people got into a discussion about whether or not they still had some. I think I heard the sound of a hammer and ice pick in the background. In the end it was nothing but a dusty old Gardernburger with a lot of crap thrown on to disguise the flavor (or lack thereof), ---
**Author:** ![Ranchoth](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ranchoth/32/1066_2.png) [@Ranchoth](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ranchoth)\ **Post date:** [September 27, 2004, 11:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/battle-of-the-fake-meats/266117/35 "2004-09-27T23:40:07Z")
I don’t have a lot of experience with pseudomeat, but I can vouch for Boca burgers. Tasty stuff, easy—and _clean_—to cook. ---
**Author:** ![Otto](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/bbe5ce/32.png) [@Otto](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Otto)\ **Post date:** [September 28, 2004, 5:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/battle-of-the-fake-meats/266117/36 "2004-09-28T17:51:49Z")
> [@Capt B. Phart](#): > > I think you’re confusing Quorn with tofu - Quorn comes in a variety of textures and tastes (IMO some very good, others less so) - tofu is edible lumps of nothing No, I’m talking about Quorn. I don’t like the taste and the textures of it I’ve had I don’t like. I know the difference between Quorn and tofu. > [@Hypno-Toad](#): > > Trunk, > > You forgot “Tofuck You, Meat Lover!” Can’t believe I forgot to mention Tofurkey! Delicious for any occasion and especially handy for Thanksgiving and Christmas dinner. I was reminded because part of the “tradition” is someone every year makes the “too bad they don’t make a duck” joke. ---
**Author:** ![sj2](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/65b543/32.png) [@sj2](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/sj2)\ **Post date:** [September 28, 2004, 6:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/battle-of-the-fake-meats/266117/37 "2004-09-28T18:20:02Z")
> [@ruadh](#): > > Trader Joe’s also makes a veggie curry burger. It is _delicious._ Their Soy Chick’n Gyoza is very yummy. And I’m not a vegetarian, I just prefer them to the chicken ones… ---
**Author:** ![Manatee](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/50afbb/32.png) [@Manatee](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Manatee)\ **Post date:** [September 28, 2004, 9:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/battle-of-the-fake-meats/266117/38 "2004-09-28T21:51:36Z")
In a battle of the fake meats, there can be only one… SPAM ---
**Author:** ![lezlers](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/258eb7/32.png) [@lezlers](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/lezlers)\ **Post date:** [September 28, 2004, 11:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/battle-of-the-fake-meats/266117/39 "2004-09-28T23:29:37Z")
> [@Dogzilla](#): > > Chili’s has awesome veggie burgers as well and will make any of their standard burgers with a veggie patty, which has a lot of black beans. Very yummy. (Those I would feed the dogs!) Chili’s has that badass black bean patty. YUM. I get over there maybe once every one or two years, but damn, that’s some good eatin’! I’m a Boca girl myself. I’m vegan and a lot of the gardenburger and morningstar stuff has egg in it. A brand I recently discovered is **Tofurky**. For the longest time, I thought it was just a name people made up to poke fun at vegetarians around Thanksgiving. But alas, there _is_ an actual **Tofurky** brand and it is DEEEE-LICIOIUS! Their italian sausage is awesome. Veat is also quite good. You can buy some packages here of dehydrated (yeah, I know, but stay with me) veat pieces and use them in soups and stews. The stuff is so damned good it should be illegal. ---
**Author:** ![Ike\_Witt](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ike_witt/32/283_2.png) [@Ike\_Witt](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ike_Witt)\ **Post date:** [September 28, 2004, 11:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/battle-of-the-fake-meats/266117/40 "2004-09-28T23:36:34Z")
> [@lezlers](#): > > Veat is also quite good. You can buy some packages here of dehydrated (yeah, I know, but stay with me) veat pieces and use them in soups and stews. The stuff is so damned good it should be illegal. You realize that veat comes from baby vegitables, don’t you? How can you sleep at night? 🙂 [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/battle-of-the-fake-meats/266117.md?page=1) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/battle-of-the-fake-meats/266117.md?page=3)