# Battle Royale - Torn Shirt Kirk vs. Torn Shirt Ash **URL:** \ **Category:** Cafe Society\ **Created:** [October 4, 2003, 2:36am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/battle-royale-torn-shirt-kirk-vs-torn-shirt-ash/205481 "2003-10-04T02:36:09Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![Michael\_Ellis](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/977dab/32.png) [@Michael\_Ellis](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Michael_Ellis)\ **Post date:** [October 4, 2003, 2:36am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/battle-royale-torn-shirt-kirk-vs-torn-shirt-ash/205481/1 "2003-10-04T02:36:09Z")
Who wins? ---
**Author:** ![Johnny\_Bravo](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/johnny_bravo/32/493_2.png) [@Johnny\_Bravo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Johnny_Bravo)\ **Post date:** [October 4, 2003, 2:47am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/battle-royale-torn-shirt-kirk-vs-torn-shirt-ash/205481/2 "2003-10-04T02:47:18Z")
Ash. He has a shotgun, a chainsaw, and a metal robot gauntlet. Not only that, but he has a 100% record in getting chicks, with or without a torn shirt. He even could’ve had the undead chick! ---
**Author:** ![Hey\_It\_s\_That\_Guy](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/6f9a4e/32.png) [@Hey\_It\_s\_That\_Guy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Hey_It_s_That_Guy)\ **Post date:** [October 4, 2003, 3:32am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/battle-royale-torn-shirt-kirk-vs-torn-shirt-ash/205481/3 "2003-10-04T03:32:43Z")
Ash. Good, bad, he’s the guy with the gun. ---
**Author:** ![Darth\_Nader](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/ad7895/32.png) [@Darth\_Nader](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Darth_Nader)\ **Post date:** [October 4, 2003, 4:05am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/battle-royale-torn-shirt-kirk-vs-torn-shirt-ash/205481/4 "2003-10-04T04:05:45Z")
Does Kirk get his cool fighting music? Da da DAN DAN DAN da na nah nuh… It might just give him the edge. ---
**Author:** ![NoCoolUserName](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/5fc32e/32.png) [@NoCoolUserName](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/NoCoolUserName)\ **Post date:** [October 4, 2003, 5:16am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/battle-royale-torn-shirt-kirk-vs-torn-shirt-ash/205481/5 "2003-10-04T05:16:47Z")
If we’re talking torn shirts, Doc Savage wins–hands down. NOBODY can beat Doc when it comes to torn shirts. There was even a “Doc Savage needs a new shirt” campaign back in the 60s (70s?) for a while. ---
**Author:** ![SPOOFE](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/c5a1d2/32.png) [@SPOOFE](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SPOOFE)\ **Post date:** [October 4, 2003, 5:57am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/battle-royale-torn-shirt-kirk-vs-torn-shirt-ash/205481/6 "2003-10-04T05:57:21Z")
Nope, Ash wins. Kirk can dish out cartoony levels of damage, but Ash can take cartoony levels of damage. Besides, Ash’s lines and witticisms are vastly superior. ---
**Author:** ![Horatio\_Hellpop](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/e5b9ba/32.png) [@Horatio\_Hellpop](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Horatio_Hellpop)\ **Post date:** [October 4, 2003, 2:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/battle-royale-torn-shirt-kirk-vs-torn-shirt-ash/205481/7 "2003-10-04T14:55:20Z")
I’m sorry, you’re all wrong. Torn Shirt Kirk wins, for the same reason Torn Shirt Kirk _always_ wins: Against all logic and common sense, it says so in the script. ---
**Author:** ![HPL](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/3da27b/32.png) [@HPL](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/HPL)\ **Post date:** [October 4, 2003, 5:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/battle-royale-torn-shirt-kirk-vs-torn-shirt-ash/205481/8 "2003-10-04T17:56:01Z")
Does Kirk get a stunt double? If so, then he might be able to beat Ash, who does his own fights. ---
**Author:** ![Snite](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/e0b2c6/32.png) [@Snite](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Snite)\ **Post date:** [October 4, 2003, 9:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/battle-royale-torn-shirt-kirk-vs-torn-shirt-ash/205481/9 "2003-10-04T21:51:54Z")
Ash’s extreme coolness overrides Kirk’s no-matter-what-he-wins-cause-the-script-says-so abilities. Psychopachik Vampire ---
**Author:** ![Horseflesh](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/horseflesh/32/7502_2.png) [@Horseflesh](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Horseflesh)\ **Post date:** [October 5, 2003, 11:12am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/battle-royale-torn-shirt-kirk-vs-torn-shirt-ash/205481/10 "2003-10-05T11:12:14Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Johnny Bravo \* > \*\*Not only that, but he has a 100% record in getting chicks, with or without a torn shirt. He even could’ve had the undead chick! \*\* Even when he tells them to get lost! “First you wanna kill me, now you wanna kiss me. Blow.” Ash all the way. Kirk is a Tribble-stuffer. ---
**Author:** ![AtomicDog](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/ac91a4/32.png) [@AtomicDog](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AtomicDog)\ **Post date:** [October 6, 2003, 4:11am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/battle-royale-torn-shirt-kirk-vs-torn-shirt-ash/205481/11 "2003-10-06T04:11:06Z")
But what can Kirk do against a Thunderbolt Attack? ---
**Author:** ![Marley23](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/45deac/32.png) [@Marley23](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Marley23)\ **Post date:** [October 6, 2003, 4:27am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/battle-royale-torn-shirt-kirk-vs-torn-shirt-ash/205481/12 "2003-10-06T04:27:26Z")
“Hail to the King, baby!” King outranks Admiral any day of the week. And at least Bruce Campbell had the dignity to admit he was in a B-movie. ---
**Author:** ![Darth\_Nader](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/ad7895/32.png) [@Darth\_Nader](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Darth_Nader)\ **Post date:** [October 6, 2003, 5:17am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/battle-royale-torn-shirt-kirk-vs-torn-shirt-ash/205481/13 "2003-10-06T05:17:05Z")
“Tribble-stuffer”? Do they keep purring? ---
**Author:** ![Vlad\_Dracul](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/v/50afbb/32.png) [@Vlad\_Dracul](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Vlad_Dracul)\ **Post date:** [October 6, 2003, 5:27am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/battle-royale-torn-shirt-kirk-vs-torn-shirt-ash/205481/14 "2003-10-06T05:27:23Z")
Kirk would have only one real chance: TALK Ash to death! Kirk says: “Why… WHY… must we resolve… our DIFFerences… with violence? WE… were once like you… savage… brutal… but we… overCAME… our violent… IMpulses! We LEARNED… that Man… can be MORE… than a killer! We learned HOW… to say to ourselves… ‘We’re NOT… going to kill… toDAY!’” Ash says: “You know, I think I’ll try that. Tomorrow!” (BANG!) ---
**Author:** ![Snooooopy](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ee7513/32.png) [@Snooooopy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Snooooopy)\ **Post date:** [October 6, 2003, 8:08am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/battle-royale-torn-shirt-kirk-vs-torn-shirt-ash/205481/15 "2003-10-06T08:08:06Z")
I don’t think I want to hear Ash ask Kirk to give him some sugar. ---
**Author:** ![RickJay](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/bb73d2/32.png) [@RickJay](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/RickJay)\ **Post date:** [October 6, 2003, 1:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/battle-royale-torn-shirt-kirk-vs-torn-shirt-ash/205481/16 "2003-10-06T13:16:28Z")
Nah, Kirk wins. These are fictional characters, so fan base determines how the script will play out. Kirk is a cultural icon whose name is familiar to almost every conscious human in North America. Ash is a geek-fan guy who might be known to 1% of North Americans. Maybe. So Kirk would be written as the victor, and so he wins, probably with help from Spock. Ash would get in a good dying breath one liner. ---
**Author:** ![slortar](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/6bbea6/32.png) [@slortar](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/slortar)\ **Post date:** [October 6, 2003, 3:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/battle-royale-torn-shirt-kirk-vs-torn-shirt-ash/205481/17 "2003-10-06T15:07:01Z")
Personally, I think they’d stop fighting after the first exchange of punches, team up and kick some Romulan ass. ---
**Author:** ![Lord\_Ashtar](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/7ea924/32.png) [@Lord\_Ashtar](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lord_Ashtar)\ **Post date:** [October 6, 2003, 4:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/battle-royale-torn-shirt-kirk-vs-torn-shirt-ash/205481/18 "2003-10-06T16:18:21Z")
I think Ash would whoop Kirk’s ass, then turn around and plant a big wet kiss on whoever was Kirk’s woman-of-the-show. Ash wins, hands down. ---
**Author:** ![Chronos](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/chronos/32/134_2.png) [@Chronos](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Chronos)\ **Post date:** [October 6, 2003, 7:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/battle-royale-torn-shirt-kirk-vs-torn-shirt-ash/205481/19 "2003-10-06T19:33:42Z")
> [@](#): > > Kirk is a cultural icon whose name is familiar to almost every conscious human in North America. Ash is a geek-fan guy who might be known to 1% of North Americans. Maybe. Yeah, but most of those folks who know who Kirk is think him an annoying prick, whereas the 1% who’s heard of Ash knows damn well that he kicks butt. ---
**Author:** ![SPOOFE](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/c5a1d2/32.png) [@SPOOFE](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SPOOFE)\ **Post date:** [October 6, 2003, 10:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/battle-royale-torn-shirt-kirk-vs-torn-shirt-ash/205481/20 "2003-10-06T22:48:24Z")
> [@](#): > > Torn Shirt Kirk wins, for the same reason Torn Shirt Kirk always wins: Against all logic and common sense, it says so in the script. WRONG! There was one episode where Ripped-Shirt Kirk (RSK) lost! Ash has a better track record. > [@](#): > > These are fictional characters, so fan base determines how the script will play out. Kirk is a cultural icon whose name is familiar to almost every conscious human in North America. Yeah, but so is Spongebob Squarepants, that doesn’t mean he’d win. Most people nowadays view Kirk as a _negative_ image. He’s just got too much geekiness and nerdiness attached to him. Only people like Comic Book Guy would vote Kirk… and Paramount has made it clear that they’re not gonna pander to the CBG crowd. Ash, despite being less-popular, has almost NO stigma attached to him. And besides, Kirk already died. That right there pretty much proves that he’s not invincible, like Ash is. [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/battle-royale-torn-shirt-kirk-vs-torn-shirt-ash/205481.md?page=2)