# Battle Royale - Torn Shirt Kirk vs. Torn Shirt Ash

**URL:** <https://boards.straightdope.com/t/battle-royale-torn-shirt-kirk-vs-torn-shirt-ash/205481>\
**Category:** Cafe Society\
**Created:** [October 4, 2003, 2:36am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/battle-royale-torn-shirt-kirk-vs-torn-shirt-ash/205481 "2003-10-04T02:36:09Z")\
**Posts on this page:** 1\
**Page:** 2

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**Author:** ![robertliguori](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/46a35a/32.png) [@robertliguori](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/robertliguori)\
**Post date:** [October 6, 2003, 11:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/battle-royale-torn-shirt-kirk-vs-torn-shirt-ash/205481/21 "2003-10-06T23:31:14Z")

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A fight between Kirk and Ash, in N rounds:  
Round 1: They square off, torsos partially exposed.  
Rounds two through N-1: Kirk beats on Ash brutally. Winning fistfights with only one hand gets tricky.  
Round N-1: Kirk takes a break from beating Ash into a bloody mess, is amazed when said bloody mess gets up, unslings chainsaw and shotgun.  
Round N: Kirk is mauled, shot, perforated, chopped, and hacked, and also fed to local zombies. (There are always zombies).  
Round N+1: The Enterprise destroys the planet in revenge. Kirk always cheats.  
Round N+1.03: As the planet disentegrates around him, Ash is sucked into yet another zombie-filled universe. Look for him in the new Resident Evil movie.

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