# Battleship: The Movie **URL:** \ **Category:** Cafe Society\ **Created:** [August 3, 2011, 6:37am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/battleship-the-movie/591294 "2011-08-03T06:37:45Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 7
**Author:** ![Alka\_Seltzer](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/c89c15/32.png) [@Alka\_Seltzer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Alka_Seltzer)\ **Post date:** [April 22, 2012, 10:42am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/battleship-the-movie/591294/121 "2012-04-22T10:42:32Z")
I really want this to bomb, but I don’t think it will. (Not just random malice on my part, but because it encapsulates Hollywood at it’s worst to me.) ---
**Author:** ![Dendarii\_Dame](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/bbce88/32.png) [@Dendarii\_Dame](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dendarii_Dame)\ **Post date:** [April 22, 2012, 2:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/battleship-the-movie/591294/122 "2012-04-22T14:09:26Z")
> [@Miller](#): > > “Fire the weapons.” > “Which weapons, sir?” > “All of them.” > > Based on that exchange alone, I’m assuming that the screen writer has not only never served in the Navy, he’s never seen a body of water larger than his bathtub. But maybe the writer’s seen that episode of _Futurama_ in which Mom tells her son to retaliate. He asks what button he should push. “Any button! They all retaliate!” That’s what I thought of when I saw that quote. ---
**Author:** ![BigT](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/bigt/32/12044_2.png) [@BigT](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BigT)\ **Post date:** [April 22, 2012, 2:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/battleship-the-movie/591294/123 "2012-04-22T14:18:07Z")
Film Brain [thought it sucked](http://thatguywiththeglasses.com/videolinks/teamt/fbv/projector/34908-projector-battleship). ---
**Author:** ![Ashley\_Pomeroy](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/c68b51/32.png) [@Ashley\_Pomeroy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ashley_Pomeroy)\ **Post date:** [April 22, 2012, 5:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/battleship-the-movie/591294/124 "2012-04-22T17:23:19Z")
> [@tdn](#): > > I’d like to see them try to make a good movie out of Connect Four. You’re forgetting Robert Altman’s _Connect Four_ (1979), starring Paul Newman and Bibi Andersson. It took place in Montreal, Canada - a bleak, frozen wasteland, filled with apathetic people leading aimless, boring lives. Faced with the inevitable prospect of mankind’s extinction the people of Montreal had taken to played endless games of _Connect Four_, with the twist being that the loser _dies_. I saw it a long time ago. I can’t remember the plot. It had dogs, and there’s a bit where a woman gets a knife in her head - nasty. And it looked as if someone had smeared vaseline on the lens. And the colours were muted, which was unfortunate given that Connect Four is a colourful game. You know, if you think about it, Tetris is much closer to the human condition; the pieces fall, and at first you can arrange them in order, but eventually you leave a gap, and it doesn’t matter, but before long it _does_ matter, and there are more gaps than lines, and the pieces _keep coming_. And you can never close the gaps. Never. ---
**Author:** ![smithsb](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/smithsb/32/12107_2.png) [@smithsb](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/smithsb)\ **Post date:** [April 23, 2012, 3:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/battleship-the-movie/591294/125 "2012-04-23T15:51:01Z")
“Fire the weapons.” “Which weapons, sir?” “All of them.” Galaxy Quest did it better - [**Jason Nesmith**](http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0000741/): Okey dokey, Okey dokey. Lets fire blue particle cannons full, red particle cannons full, gannet magnets fire them left and right, and let 'em run all chutes. And while you’re at it, why don’t ya toss that at 'em killer [_tossing empty Coke can to gunner_] **[Jason Nesmith](http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0000741/)**: That should take care of old lobster head shouldn’t it? ---
**Author:** ![Hogfather65](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/7bcc69/32.png) [@Hogfather65](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Hogfather65)\ **Post date:** [April 23, 2012, 4:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/battleship-the-movie/591294/126 "2012-04-23T16:06:17Z")
> [@runner pat](#): > > Rocky :Sock 'Em Robots > > 😃 Was that not [Real Steel](http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0433035/) ---
**Author:** ![The\_Other\_Waldo\_Pepper](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/the_other_waldo_pepper/32/12370_2.png) [@The\_Other\_Waldo\_Pepper](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/The_Other_Waldo_Pepper)\ **Post date:** [April 23, 2012, 4:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/battleship-the-movie/591294/127 "2012-04-23T16:08:39Z")
> [@Ashley\_Pomeroy](#): > > Faced with the inevitable prospect of mankind’s extinction the people of Montreal had taken to played endless games of _Connect Four_, with the twist being that the loser _dies_. > > I saw it a long time ago. I can’t remember the plot. It had dogs, and there’s a bit where a woman gets a knife in her head - nasty. _“Pretty sneaky, sis.”_ ---
**Author:** ![infinitii](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/e8c25b/32.png) [@infinitii](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/infinitii)\ **Post date:** [April 23, 2012, 4:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/battleship-the-movie/591294/128 "2012-04-23T16:19:05Z")
> [@Ashley\_Pomeroy](#): > > You’re forgetting Robert Altman’s _Connect Four_ (1979), starring Paul Newman and Bibi Andersson. It took place in Montreal, Canada - a bleak, frozen wasteland, filled with apathetic people leading aimless, boring lives. Faced with the inevitable prospect of mankind’s extinction the people of Montreal had taken to played endless games of _Connect Four_, with the twist being that the loser _dies_. > > I saw it a long time ago. I can’t remember the plot. It had dogs, and there’s a bit where a woman gets a knife in her head - nasty. And it looked as if someone had smeared vaseline on the lens. And the colours were muted, which was unfortunate given that Connect Four is a colourful game. > > You know, if you think about it, Tetris is much closer to the human condition; the pieces fall, and at first you can arrange them in order, but eventually you leave a gap, and it doesn’t matter, but before long it _does_ matter, and there are more gaps than lines, and the pieces _keep coming_. And you can never close the gaps. Never. I’m guessing that’s a joke, but the movie is actually called Quintet, and it’s a fictional game (called Quintet) within that movie. Amusing though. ---
**Author:** ![Jophiel](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/jophiel/32/66_2.png) [@Jophiel](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Jophiel)\ **Post date:** [April 23, 2012, 4:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/battleship-the-movie/591294/129 "2012-04-23T16:28:00Z")
More amusing to me than _Battleship_ is that Asylum films already has a knock-off made, _[American Battleship](http://www.dreadcentral.com/news/53908/trailer-asylum%E2%80%99s-american-battleship-sets-sail-alien-origins-footage-be-found)_. Talk about kicking the bottom out of the barrel 😃 ---
**Author:** ![Alka\_Seltzer](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/c89c15/32.png) [@Alka\_Seltzer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Alka_Seltzer)\ **Post date:** [April 23, 2012, 4:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/battleship-the-movie/591294/130 "2012-04-23T16:46:21Z")
I hear Peter Berg’s next project will be a remake of _The Seventh Seal_. ---
**Author:** ![Bryan\_Ekers](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/bryan_ekers/32/183_2.png) [@Bryan\_Ekers](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bryan_Ekers)\ **Post date:** [April 23, 2012, 4:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/battleship-the-movie/591294/131 "2012-04-23T16:57:46Z")
> [@Alka\_Seltzer](#): > > I hear Peter Berg’s next project will be a remake of _The Seventh Seal_. He’ll have to jazz it up, though - call it _Seal Team Seven_. ---
**Author:** ![Alka\_Seltzer](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/c89c15/32.png) [@Alka\_Seltzer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Alka_Seltzer)\ **Post date:** [April 23, 2012, 5:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/battleship-the-movie/591294/132 "2012-04-23T17:15:33Z")
> [@Bryan\_Ekers](#): > > He’ll have to jazz it up, though - call it _Seal Team Seven_. The twist is, one of the Seals is unknowingly playing a game of email chess against Osama Bin Laden. When his team storms the compound, he looks down and sees a board of his game laid out. “Checkmate!” ---
**Author:** ![Gangster\_Octopus](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/a8b319/32.png) [@Gangster\_Octopus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Gangster_Octopus)\ **Post date:** [April 23, 2012, 6:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/battleship-the-movie/591294/133 "2012-04-23T18:29:09Z")
In the arena of the future one veteran of the game looking for a final chance at glory, one young ace hoping to make a name, one reject trying to make it for his dying child, and one who is trying to escape the past by creating a new present. This is for redemption and glory! - Hungry Hungry Hippos!\* This one is for all the marbles! ---
**Author:** ![Uosdwis\_R.Dewoh](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/u/9e8a1a/32.png) [@Uosdwis\_R.Dewoh](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Uosdwis_R.Dewoh)\ **Post date:** [April 23, 2012, 7:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/battleship-the-movie/591294/134 "2012-04-23T19:41:39Z")
At the dawn of the 21st century, mankind is running out of living space when a sudden volcano eruption creates huge areas of fertile land in the middle of the Atlantic. Several nations (USA, Great Britain, Japan, Russia etc.) rush to claim large areas of the new island. Liam Neeson is a master road builder tasked to create roads for the US colony. With him is a young hotshot who’s a natural when it comes to road building, maybe the best that ever was. He’s also rebel who follows his own rules[sup]\*[/sup] and that gets him into trouble with the man. To make matters more complicated, he’s also Liam Neson’s character’s potential son-in-law. The road building is interrupted when a malevolent alien force lands on the island with the intent of taking over, and building the longest road. It’s up to Liam Neson and hotshot guy to team up with the other nations and build a longer road and prevent the aliens from taking all the grain and wool. Michael Bay presents: **The Settlers of Catan 3D** [sup] \*Where he’s going, he don’t need roads, but builds one kickass road there anyway.[/sup] ---
**Author:** ![TonySinclair](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/49beb7/32.png) [@TonySinclair](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TonySinclair)\ **Post date:** [August 30, 2012, 1:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/battleship-the-movie/591294/135 "2012-08-30T13:46:14Z")
I just watched this on DVD. Holy crap. I thought the last Star Trek movie was stupid, when they made Kirk the commander of the ship a week after he got out of the space academy, or whatever they called it. But in Battleship, the star is a long-haired hippie robbing a 7-11 to get a burrito for a girl whose name he doesn’t even know, and a month later he’s not only in the navy, he’s a full lieutenant. Even worse, our navy must be really short of ships and officers, because he’s assigned to his brother’s ship, and when the aliens destroy that ship, and then kill the CO and XO of the other ship, he becomes the senior officer. DAMN YOU OBAMA!!! ---
**Author:** ![Alka\_Seltzer](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/c89c15/32.png) [@Alka\_Seltzer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Alka_Seltzer)\ **Post date:** [August 30, 2012, 1:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/battleship-the-movie/591294/136 "2012-08-30T13:55:57Z")
Apparently there is a sequel in the pipeline, based on the much more cerebral game of Electronic Battleships. ---
**Author:** ![Death\_of\_Rats](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/a6a055/32.png) [@Death\_of\_Rats](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Death_of_Rats)\ **Post date:** [August 30, 2012, 2:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/battleship-the-movie/591294/137 "2012-08-30T14:48:24Z")
> [@Alka\_Seltzer](#): > > The twist is, one of the Seals is unknowingly playing a game of email chess against Osama Bin Laden. When his team storms the compound, he looks down and sees a board of his game laid out. > > “Checkmate!” I would totally stream this movie off Netflix during a free trial month. 😃 ---
**Author:** ![Ludovic](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/7ab992/32.png) [@Ludovic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ludovic)\ **Post date:** [August 30, 2012, 3:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/battleship-the-movie/591294/138 "2012-08-30T15:15:14Z")
> [@Uosdwis\_R.Dewoh](#): > > The road building is interrupted when a malevolent alien force lands on the island with the intent of taking over Not only that, but they have taken an unnatural fancy toward the ovine population. Probing ensues. ---
**Author:** ![Bryan\_Ekers](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/bryan_ekers/32/183_2.png) [@Bryan\_Ekers](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bryan_Ekers)\ **Post date:** [August 30, 2012, 9:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/battleship-the-movie/591294/139 "2012-08-30T21:01:12Z")
> [@Jophiel](#): > > More amusing to me than _Battleship_ is that Asylum films already has a knock-off made, _[American Battleship](http://www.dreadcentral.com/news/53908/trailer-asylum%E2%80%99s-american-battleship-sets-sail-alien-origins-footage-be-found)_. Talk about kicking the bottom out of the barrel 😃 I’ve seen it. It has a much better script than _Battleship_. ---
**Author:** ![mlees](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/ba8739/32.png) [@mlees](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/mlees)\ **Post date:** [August 30, 2012, 9:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/battleship-the-movie/591294/140 "2012-08-30T21:07:07Z")
> [@Jophiel](#): > > More amusing to me than _Battleship_ is that Asylum films already has a knock-off made, _[American Battleship](http://www.dreadcentral.com/news/53908/trailer-asylum%E2%80%99s-american-battleship-sets-sail-alien-origins-footage-be-found)_. Talk about kicking the bottom out of the barrel 😃 With Carl Weathers and Mario Van Peeples. Poor guys. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/battleship-the-movie/591294.md?page=6) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/battleship-the-movie/591294.md?page=8)