# Be an evil scriptwriter and $#!T on a beloved classic **URL:** \ **Category:** Cafe Society\ **Created:** [September 23, 2007, 9:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/be-an-evil-scriptwriter-and-t-on-a-beloved-classic/420227 "2007-09-23T21:53:45Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 4
**Author:** ![Evil\_Captor](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/f17d59/32.png) [@Evil\_Captor](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Evil_Captor)\ **Post date:** [September 26, 2007, 12:19am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/be-an-evil-scriptwriter-and-t-on-a-beloved-classic/420227/61 "2007-09-26T00:19:29Z")
[QUOTE=A Monkey With a Gun] Movie announcer voice guy: In a world gone mad with power, one man will fight for freedom and justice. Retired stunt pilot Winston Smith joins up with the beautiful Julia to struggle against the forces of Oceania in _ **1984: The Reckoning** _. Directed by Michael Bay. [/QUOTE] Beautiful. I’m seeing Carrot Top … the _new, alll-action_ Carrot Top in the Winston Smith role. Let’s have a meeting on it. ---
**Author:** ![Evil\_Captor](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/f17d59/32.png) [@Evil\_Captor](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Evil_Captor)\ **Post date:** [September 26, 2007, 12:27am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/be-an-evil-scriptwriter-and-t-on-a-beloved-classic/420227/62 "2007-09-26T00:27:15Z")
[QUOTE=Harmonious Discord] War of the Worlds. The Martians land and get about for a while. All the humans die from the bacteria present in the stomach of the blood supply creatures brought to earth by the Martians. The Martians survive sucking blood from other animals. Daleks land but are fought off by the Martians. The next enemy to try and kill the Martians during their new age of prosperity and colonization of the galaxy are the Berserkers. The Martians are currently in a stalemate with the Berserkers. The Time Lords of course decide to mettle with the time line during this war, and stop the Martian invasion of Earth from ever happening. During this attempt the atmosphere of Mars is depleted in the Earth year of zero, and the energy output of the time manipulation is seen in the east by three wise men. [/QUOTE] OK, I like it, I like it. A completely original take on the Martian invasion. One little tweak, one little tiny tweak would just put it over the top … could the Berserkers be gorillas wearing diving helmets with bubble machines? You just can’t lose when you get the monkey-love demographic going for you. ---
**Author:** ![Evil\_Captor](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/f17d59/32.png) [@Evil\_Captor](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Evil_Captor)\ **Post date:** [September 26, 2007, 12:47am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/be-an-evil-scriptwriter-and-t-on-a-beloved-classic/420227/63 "2007-09-26T00:47:48Z")
[QUOTE=xnylder] Disney presents Upton Sinclair’s The Jungle - An All-New Musical Adventure! Johnny is a plucky meat-packer’s son who rises against corrupt management and dirty working conditions to bring America what it needs most: steak! [/QUOTE] I think we’re on to something here … I think Johnny needs a beloved companion … a cow raised from calfhood to be his pet. The cow supports Johnny through all his trials and tribulations, and then in a final touching scene, goes to the meat packing plant with a brave smile on her lips and a tear in her eye, ready to die because she understands how much people love steaks! Gives the story a real Bambi/Old Yeller vibe. ---
**Author:** ![Windwalker](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/5e9695/32.png) [@Windwalker](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Windwalker)\ **Post date:** [September 26, 2007, 1:29am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/be-an-evil-scriptwriter-and-t-on-a-beloved-classic/420227/64 "2007-09-26T01:29:42Z")
The Shawshank Redemption II: Sloppy Seconds Andy and Red decide to go back to Shawshank and free all of their old comrades. Upon watching Perfume: Story of a Murderer, the pair decide to concoct a super love perfume to use on the Shawshank guards, using their own hair and other (ahem) parts. They make it to Shawshank using disguises and spray the guards with the perfume. Unfortunately it doesn’t work, and Andy and Red become entangled in a web of S&M orgies. Fortunately for them, they become the two stars and soon manage to get half the prison involved in the orgies. They finally convince the guards that it would be best for them all if they could move to a random island in the Pacific where they can all have as many orgies as they want without fear of getting caught. The movie, like the first one, ends on a beach with everyone dressed up as a sailor, getting on a gigantic yacht named “The Shawshanked”. ---
**Author:** ![BrainGlutton](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/82dd89/32.png) [@BrainGlutton](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BrainGlutton)\ **Post date:** [September 26, 2007, 1:54am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/be-an-evil-scriptwriter-and-t-on-a-beloved-classic/420227/65 "2007-09-26T01:54:10Z")
[QUOTE=Thudlow Boink] **Green Eggs and Ham** , about the nefarious Sam I Am’s plot to control the world’s supply of green eggs and ham? [/QUOTE] Or, _Green Eggs and Ham,_ where the unnamed other fellow is finally persuaded to try a bite and immediately dies of salmonella and botulism, because it’s, you know, **green** eggs and ham, dumbass! ---
**Author:** ![BrainGlutton](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/82dd89/32.png) [@BrainGlutton](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BrainGlutton)\ **Post date:** [September 26, 2007, 1:57am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/be-an-evil-scriptwriter-and-t-on-a-beloved-classic/420227/66 "2007-09-26T01:57:55Z")
[QUOTE=Lumpy] “Starship Troopers” would take the militia of citizen-soliders and turn them into sado-masochist fascists. [/QUOTE] 😕 . . . “Turn into”?! ---
**Author:** ![Harmonious\_Discord](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/74df32/32.png) [@Harmonious\_Discord](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Harmonious_Discord)\ **Post date:** [September 26, 2007, 2:18am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/be-an-evil-scriptwriter-and-t-on-a-beloved-classic/420227/67 "2007-09-26T02:18:19Z")
[QUOTE=Evil Captor] OK, I like it, I like it. A completely original take on the Martian invasion. One little tweak, one little tiny tweak would just put it over the top … could the Berserkers be gorillas wearing diving helmets with bubble machines? You just can’t lose when you get the monkey-love demographic going for you. [/QUOTE] My fault for thinking Berserkers are well known. Berserkers are doomsday machines created by a race that is forgotten in time, who’s goal is to extinguish all life. They range in size from a few inches to something larger than planets and replicate new ones as resources are found. > **[Berserker (novel series)](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Berserker_(Saberhagen))** > > The Berserker series is a series of space opera science fiction short stories and novels by Fred Saberhagen, in which robotic self-replicating machines strive to destroy all life. These Berserkers, named after the human berserker warriors of Norse legend, are doomsday weapons left over from an interstellar war between two races of extraterrestrials. They all have machine intelligence, and their sizes range from that of an asteroid, in the case of an automated repair and construction base, down to... ---
**Author:** ![BrainGlutton](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/82dd89/32.png) [@BrainGlutton](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BrainGlutton)\ **Post date:** [September 26, 2007, 2:39am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/be-an-evil-scriptwriter-and-t-on-a-beloved-classic/420227/68 "2007-09-26T02:39:41Z")
[_Pollyanna_](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pollyanna) reconfigured along the lines of [_The Bad Seed._](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Bad_Seed) It just breaks little Pollyanna’s **heart** to see people who aren’t glad. It’s so sad that she just has to **do** something for them . . . and they’ll never be sad again . . . ---
**Author:** ![Harmonious\_Discord](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/74df32/32.png) [@Harmonious\_Discord](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Harmonious_Discord)\ **Post date:** [September 26, 2007, 2:50am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/be-an-evil-scriptwriter-and-t-on-a-beloved-classic/420227/69 "2007-09-26T02:50:53Z")
Seven Brides for Seven Brothers. We update this to transvestite brides and relocated it to the hood. ---
**Author:** ![BrainGlutton](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/82dd89/32.png) [@BrainGlutton](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BrainGlutton)\ **Post date:** [September 26, 2007, 3:11am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/be-an-evil-scriptwriter-and-t-on-a-beloved-classic/420227/70 "2007-09-26T03:11:40Z")
_The Omen:_ Diplomat Robert Thorne begins to suspect his adopted son is the Antichrist, and, shrewdly perceiving the upside potential, immediately starts angling for the position of False Prophet. When his wife proves difficult on the subject, he pushes her off a balcony. ---
**Author:** ![Defensive\_Indifference](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/defensive_indifference/32/6502_2.png) [@Defensive\_Indifference](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Defensive_Indifference)\ **Post date:** [September 26, 2007, 3:40am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/be-an-evil-scriptwriter-and-t-on-a-beloved-classic/420227/71 "2007-09-26T03:40:00Z")
In a heartwarming adaptation of _The Sound and The Fury_, Quentin (Tobey Maguire), Caddy (Alicia Silverstone), and Benjy (Seth Rogen in a star-making turn), come to a greater understanding and live out their days as a happy family. In the concluding scene, they dance happily around the statue of the Confederate soldier in the town square, laughing and holding hands in the pouring rain, in slow motion. Soundtrack of Lynyrd Skynyrd classics. ---
**Author:** ![Lumpy](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/lumpy/32/446_2.png) [@Lumpy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lumpy)\ **Post date:** [September 26, 2007, 5:03am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/be-an-evil-scriptwriter-and-t-on-a-beloved-classic/420227/72 "2007-09-26T05:03:47Z")
[QUOTE=BrainGlutton] 😕 . . . “Turn into”?! [/QUOTE] Not to turn this into a GD, but Heinlein’s book was a SF homage to the ideal of the citizen-solider. The movie was …something else. ---
**Author:** ![Evil\_Captor](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/f17d59/32.png) [@Evil\_Captor](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Evil_Captor)\ **Post date:** [September 26, 2007, 9:00am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/be-an-evil-scriptwriter-and-t-on-a-beloved-classic/420227/73 "2007-09-26T09:00:40Z")
[QUOTE=Harmonious Discord] My fault for thinking Berserkers are well known. Berserkers are doomsday machines created by a race that is forgotten in time, who’s goal is to extinguish all life. They range in size from a few inches to something larger than planets and replicate new ones as resources are found. > **[Berserker (novel series)](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Berserker_(Saberhagen))** > > The Berserker series is a series of space opera science fiction short stories and novels by Fred Saberhagen, in which robotic self-replicating machines strive to destroy all life. These Berserkers, named after the human berserker warriors of Norse legend, are doomsday weapons left over from an interstellar war between two races of extraterrestrials. They all have machine intelligence, and their sizes range from that of an asteroid, in the case of an automated repair and construction base, down to... [/QUOTE] Dude, you’re talking to a Hollywood suit, per the OP. So my response is: Yes, yes, I’m sure the Berserkers are fabulous comic book creatures. But I’m sure a creative fellow like you can come up with some exposition about “transdimensional vortexes that make gorillas in diving helmets the way Beserkers typically manifest themselves.” I’m rapidly losing interest in this project. Amistad, the Musical beckons. ---
**Author:** ![Martini\_Enfield](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/martini_enfield/32/11123_2.png) [@Martini\_Enfield](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Martini_Enfield)\ **Post date:** [September 26, 2007, 9:31am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/be-an-evil-scriptwriter-and-t-on-a-beloved-classic/420227/74 "2007-09-26T09:31:48Z")
[QUOTE=CalMeacham] Shortly after Wells’ “War of the Worlds” came out, someone wrote a “sequel” entitled **Exdison’s Conquest of Mars** that pretty much matches your description, except it was the Americans, rather than the British, using the super-scientific inventions of Thomas Edison to subdue the Martians. [/QUOTE] So far, no-one’s filmed it. 😉 Buuuuut… If it was written prior to 1923, then wouldn’t it be in the Public Domain under US Copyright Law? If so, I’ve got an idea for a great new film starring Steven Seagal and Chris Tucker… 😃 ---
**Author:** ![control-z](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/eada6e/32.png) [@control-z](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/control-z)\ **Post date:** [September 26, 2007, 2:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/be-an-evil-scriptwriter-and-t-on-a-beloved-classic/420227/75 "2007-09-26T14:58:31Z")
[QUOTE=Evil Captor] I’m rapidly losing interest in this project. Amistad, the Musical beckons. [/QUOTE] Or better yet, _Schindler’s List, The Musical_. In 3D! ---
**Author:** ![BrainGlutton](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/82dd89/32.png) [@BrainGlutton](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BrainGlutton)\ **Post date:** [September 26, 2007, 3:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/be-an-evil-scriptwriter-and-t-on-a-beloved-classic/420227/76 "2007-09-26T15:04:43Z")
_Das Boot:_ Braving the senseless chaos of war, a submarine of the Kriegsmarine’s scientific branch, under the command of Unterseekapitan Jakob von Kustocherberg, explores the Mediterranean and Atlantic for undiscovered species of marine life. British and American naval and shipping vessels occasionally disturb their researches and, in the cause of pushing back the borders of ignorance, must regrettably be dealt with. ---
**Author:** ![Evil\_Captor](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/f17d59/32.png) [@Evil\_Captor](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Evil_Captor)\ **Post date:** [September 26, 2007, 3:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/be-an-evil-scriptwriter-and-t-on-a-beloved-classic/420227/77 "2007-09-26T15:10:04Z")
Picture hills, rolling hills. A swelling of heartfelt song with a snappy beat. Then you see people running across the hills holding hands, looking joyous – topless showgirls! Yes, it’s “The Sound of Music: Vegas Style!” ---
**Author:** ![BrainGlutton](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/82dd89/32.png) [@BrainGlutton](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BrainGlutton)\ **Post date:** [September 26, 2007, 3:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/be-an-evil-scriptwriter-and-t-on-a-beloved-classic/420227/78 "2007-09-26T15:20:30Z")
[QUOTE=Lumpy] Not to turn this into a GD, but Heinlein’s book was a SF homage to the ideal of the citizen-solider. The movie was …something else. [/QUOTE] Nevertheless, **in the book,** Heinlein’s citizen-soldiers seem to have an awful lot in common with sado-masochistic fascists. This applies not only to the troops but to the theoretical doctrines of the officers, who view the war as primarily a Darwinian-Nietzschean struggle for cosmic _lebensraum._ ---
**Author:** ![BrainGlutton](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/82dd89/32.png) [@BrainGlutton](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BrainGlutton)\ **Post date:** [September 26, 2007, 3:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/be-an-evil-scriptwriter-and-t-on-a-beloved-classic/420227/79 "2007-09-26T15:28:39Z")
Kafka’s _The Trial:_ K.'s case seems hopless until heroic defense attorney Tom Cruise comes to his defense! Exculpatory evidence is found and brought to light despite state conspiracies, skullduggery and gunplay. Despite the self-righteous protest of the responsible official – “You can’t **handle** the despairing existential ambiguity endemic to life in an incomprehensible bureaucratic state!” – justice prevails! ---
**Author:** ![BrainGlutton](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/82dd89/32.png) [@BrainGlutton](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BrainGlutton)\ **Post date:** [September 26, 2007, 3:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/be-an-evil-scriptwriter-and-t-on-a-beloved-classic/420227/80 "2007-09-26T15:34:32Z")
_The Call of Cthulhu: 2010:_ Lost R’lyeh rises from the deep and the Old Ones come down from the stars to endow humanity with the priceless gift of a second sun formed from the planet Jupiter. And then all humans are inspired to forget their petty political differences and become as the Old Ones themselves, free and wild and beyond good and evil, all burning and killing and revelling in joy! [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/be-an-evil-scriptwriter-and-t-on-a-beloved-classic/420227.md?page=3) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/be-an-evil-scriptwriter-and-t-on-a-beloved-classic/420227.md?page=5)