# Be an evil scriptwriter and $#!T on a beloved classic **URL:** \ **Category:** Cafe Society\ **Created:** [September 23, 2007, 9:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/be-an-evil-scriptwriter-and-t-on-a-beloved-classic/420227 "2007-09-23T21:53:45Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 5
**Author:** ![BrainGlutton](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/82dd89/32.png) [@BrainGlutton](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BrainGlutton)\ **Post date:** [September 26, 2007, 3:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/be-an-evil-scriptwriter-and-t-on-a-beloved-classic/420227/81 "2007-09-26T15:47:20Z")
Quentin Tarantino’s _Little Women._ Writes itself. ---
**Author:** ![BrainGlutton](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/82dd89/32.png) [@BrainGlutton](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BrainGlutton)\ **Post date:** [September 26, 2007, 3:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/be-an-evil-scriptwriter-and-t-on-a-beloved-classic/420227/82 "2007-09-26T15:50:04Z")
[QUOTE=Mosier] Keanu Reeves as John Galt. [/QUOTE] Once, at an SF convention, I read a (spurious) blurb in the film schedule for _Jim Henson’s Atlas Shrugged._ Six hours long, with Kermit the Frog as John Galt. ---
**Author:** ![Dunawake](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/85f322/32.png) [@Dunawake](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dunawake)\ **Post date:** [September 26, 2007, 4:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/be-an-evil-scriptwriter-and-t-on-a-beloved-classic/420227/83 "2007-09-26T16:34:04Z")
[QUOTE=Max Torque] **Jaws**. Okay, so, a giant shark movie. The problem with the original, clearly, is that it has the shark killing women and children, and then a bunch of white guys kill the shark. Clearly, that won’t play today, because a shark is just an animal doing what animals do. Instead, the shark will just sort of menace people, until some evil white male shark hunters go after it, and then they’ll get killed, but not by the shark; they’ll die through their own misdeeds. Great. So then we need a real hero, maybe a Native American marine biologist, who really understands the shark as a force of nature, and he’ll guide the people and the shark into a greater understanding of one another’s wants and needs. And we can shoehorn in a love story between the marine biologist’s adopted Chinese daughter and an African-American surfer. We’ll call it **Free Sharkie**. [/QUOTE] This pure, Grade A, solid GOLD, man! I predict 75 mil in the first weekend! Let’s grab lunch, I’ll have my people talk to your people… ---
**Author:** ![OtakuLoki](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/ac8455/32.png) [@OtakuLoki](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/OtakuLoki)\ **Post date:** [September 26, 2007, 4:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/be-an-evil-scriptwriter-and-t-on-a-beloved-classic/420227/84 "2007-09-26T16:57:33Z")
"Hey, Joe. Listen, I’ve got a great idea for you for 2010. We need to get working on it, now! "Everyone knows that ‘great’ old Cary Grant, Katherine Hepburn snoozer: Bringing Up Baby. Boring, stuffed shirt paleontologist dating hip society woman with a leopard for a pet. A wild leopard gets into the area, and hilarity ensues. This was back in Hays Code days, so there was no sex, no violence, and no explosions. No nothing. Can you believe that shit? "What we propose to do is, first, the scientist role must be edgier. He’s now going to be a paleo-geneticist. Well, that’s what he says he is. Really he’s an underground researcher out to show everyone the reality of Biblical creationism, by using the so-called fossils in his museum to get enough DNA to bring back a couple Jesus Horses. "So, he gets his first clutch of eggs going. And they’re all going to be one of those cute teethy dinosaurs. Does Spielburg own them Raptor things, or can we use them? Anyways, they’re cute, and toothy, and so the scientist dude (I’m thinking Alec Baldwin for this role.) give one of the little guys to our leading lady. "What you want to cast her already? Well, she’s got to have some presence, yanno. Yeah, she’s got to be able to give out an ass-fucking to the badguys when it’s necessary, so our idea-man, he’s saying it’s time to get Halle Berry back into action roles. And, of course, she’ll be less finicky with the love scenes than some other big names I can think of. "Anyways, the little toothy guy, we’re calling him Baby, of course. Short for Baby Jesus Horse. "Anyways, the little toothy guy, he’s all hooked on Halle’s looks and smell. And did you know this? Lizards smell with their tongues. So, Baby’s gonna be licking Halle all over. And she’s gonna get into it. "What? Why? Don’t you know anything? Them little toothy guys? They’ve all got huge, like prehensile tongues. It’s a fact, just ask your fossil guys to show you one of the little toothy guy fossils with their tongues sticking out. "Anyways, Halle is getting all into the loving she’s getting from Baby. And so, when our scientist starts getting all egotistical, 'cause he brought back these little toothy guys - wait? You thought he was going to be the hero? Noooo - come on! Scientists, especially genetic scientists are always evil. He stuck other DNA in there, yanno. You’ll see, they aren’t just little toothy guys… well, you see where this is going: "It’ll be the battle of the century in the museum! Halle and Baby, with some really slick machine gun, for Halle, against the evil Alec Baldwin, who’s given up on proving anything and is using his science to make the rest of Baby’s siblings into cyber BIG, radioactive toothy guys! "And we’ll end it all with a nuke in the museum, just when you think Alec and the last evil big radioactive toothy guy are all getting ready for the sequel. Cause we can always count on musuems having some meteorites in 'em. And those come from space, so they’ll be easy to turn into a nuke. “So, waddya say - we got a winner here?” ---
**Author:** ![LonesomePolecat](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/a88e57/32.png) [@LonesomePolecat](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/LonesomePolecat)\ **Post date:** [September 26, 2007, 5:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/be-an-evil-scriptwriter-and-t-on-a-beloved-classic/420227/85 "2007-09-26T17:00:14Z")
[QUOTE=CalMeacham] Shortly after Wells’ “War of the Worlds” came out, someone wrote a “sequel” entitled **Exdison’s Conquest of Mars** that pretty much matches your description, except it was the Americans, rather than the British, using the super-scientific inventions of Thomas Edison to subdue the Martians. [/QUOTE] That would be Garret P. Serviss, and the correct title would be [Edison’s Conquest of Mars,](http://www.gutenberg.org/etext/19141) freely available from the Gutenberg Project. ---
**Author:** ![CalMeacham](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/calmeacham/32/35_2.png) [@CalMeacham](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CalMeacham)\ **Post date:** [September 26, 2007, 5:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/be-an-evil-scriptwriter-and-t-on-a-beloved-classic/420227/86 "2007-09-26T17:01:26Z")
> [@](#): > > That would be Garret P. Serviss, and the correct title would be Edison’s Conquest of Mars, freely available from the Gutenberg Project. And I gave the correct title, aside from a typo. ---
**Author:** ![BrainGlutton](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/82dd89/32.png) [@BrainGlutton](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BrainGlutton)\ **Post date:** [September 26, 2007, 9:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/be-an-evil-scriptwriter-and-t-on-a-beloved-classic/420227/87 "2007-09-26T21:59:06Z")
_Tarzan of the Apes:_ The infant Lord Greystoke, shipwrecked in Africa and orphaned, is raised by apes. His comparative physical weakness, however, makes him the ever-abused runt of the tribe. When he meets Jane he completely ignores her because she’s so disgustingly bald all over. ---
**Author:** ![Bosda\_Di\_Chi\_of\_Tricor](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/bosda_di_chi_of_tricor/32/16845_2.png) [@Bosda\_Di\_Chi\_of\_Tricor](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bosda_Di_Chi_of_Tricor)\ **Post date:** [September 26, 2007, 10:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/be-an-evil-scriptwriter-and-t-on-a-beloved-classic/420227/88 "2007-09-26T22:47:58Z")
[QUOTE=BrainGlutton] _The Call of Cthulhu: 2010:_ Lost R’lyeh rises from the deep and the Old Ones come down from the stars to endow humanity with the priceless gift of a second sun formed from the planet Jupiter. And then all humans are inspired to forget their petty political differences and become as the Old Ones themselves, free and wild and beyond good and evil, all burning and killing and revelling in joy! [/QUOTE] Yeah, that’s good. But, what do you got that will reel in the 17-25 year old males demographic? I KNOW! We cast the Olsen Twins as Cthulhu. ---
**Author:** ![Ghanima](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/9e8a1a/32.png) [@Ghanima](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ghanima)\ **Post date:** [September 26, 2007, 10:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/be-an-evil-scriptwriter-and-t-on-a-beloved-classic/420227/89 "2007-09-26T22:54:19Z")
[QUOTE=Harmonious Discord] Seven Brides for Seven Brothers. We update this to transvestite brides and relocated it to the hood. [/QUOTE] PLEASE let it be a musical…PLEASE let it be a musical… ---
**Author:** ![Ghanima](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/9e8a1a/32.png) [@Ghanima](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ghanima)\ **Post date:** [September 26, 2007, 11:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/be-an-evil-scriptwriter-and-t-on-a-beloved-classic/420227/90 "2007-09-26T23:14:12Z")
Actually, I could totally see Schindler’s List as a Les Miserables-style musical: -The intro where Schindler wheedles and bribes his way into upper German society…I’m thinking “Chicago” style -A song where he rejoices over the genius of using Jews to run his factory…(something like “Lovely Ladies” with him as the pimp) -The sad “seduction” song of the girl trying to get her parents into his mill (like Fantine becoming a whore to support her child) -Schindler’s angry response, followed by a beautiful balled of heart-changing remorse (like Javert’s “Stars” meets ValJean’s “Who am I”) -an ensemble piece of the Jews singing happily in the factory…a la “At the end of the Day” -a comic song by the Ralph Fiennes character as he’s picking off prisoners (like “Master of the House”) -a song of dreams and escapism by his handmaid, like Cosette’s “Castle on a Cloud” And so forth. Wow. Kind of very vaguely creepy. ---
**Author:** ![NDP](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ndp/32/55_2.png) [@NDP](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/NDP)\ **Post date:** [September 27, 2007, 12:06am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/be-an-evil-scriptwriter-and-t-on-a-beloved-classic/420227/91 "2007-09-27T00:06:25Z")
[QUOTE=Ghanima] Actually, I could totally see Schindler’s List as a Les Miserables-style musical: -The intro where Schindler wheedles and bribes his way into upper German society…I’m thinking “Chicago” style -A song where he rejoices over the genius of using Jews to run his factory…(something like “Lovely Ladies” with him as the pimp) -The sad “seduction” song of the girl trying to get her parents into his mill (like Fantine becoming a whore to support her child) -Schindler’s angry response, followed by a beautiful balled of heart-changing remorse (like Javert’s “Stars” meets ValJean’s “Who am I”) -an ensemble piece of the Jews singing happily in the factory…a la “At the end of the Day” -a comic song by the Ralph Fiennes character as he’s picking off prisoners (like “Master of the House”) -a song of dreams and escapism by his handmaid, like Cosette’s “Castle on a Cloud” And so forth. Wow. Kind of very vaguely creepy. [/QUOTE] Also, maybe something along the lines of a Brecht/Weil collaberation might (and I emphasize\* “might”\*) work. ---
**Author:** ![mobo85](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/b19c9b/32.png) [@mobo85](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/mobo85)\ **Post date:** [September 27, 2007, 1:51am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/be-an-evil-scriptwriter-and-t-on-a-beloved-classic/420227/92 "2007-09-27T01:51:24Z")
[QUOTE=The Scrivener] **King Kong Moves On** [/QUOTE] This reminds me- in a 2005 book of essays about the original _King Kong_ entitled _King Kong Is Back!_, there is a hilarious essay by Bruce Bethke called “King Kong 2005” which comments why you couldn’t set _King Kong_ in the present day- animal rights activists, etc. It’s worth seeking out. Here’s a few excerpts: > [@Bruce Bethke](#): > > “Then suddenly the native chief spots Ann Darrow, and he shouts out-” > “Look, it’s Pamela Anderson!” > “No.” > “I mean, let’s face it. There is nowhere on this planet you can find people who don’t have a satellite dish and haven’t seen _Baywatch_. Outer Mongolia, maybe. So let’s just skip over whatever bit of possibly racist and definitely neo-colonialst nonsense you wer about to relate and cut to the chase. Darrow winds up on the bad side of the wall [keeping the natives from Kong], doesn’t she?” > “Yes.” > “And this wall was built by, who? UNESCO? The IUCN? I mean, obviously, its purpose must be to protect the native wildlife from the humans. So what’s on the other side? A UN Biosphere Preserve? A wildlife sanctuary for GRASP, the Great Ape Survival Project? Another Jurassic Park?” > “Close, but you’ve got it backward. The wall was built to protect the humans.” > “From what? Something that isn’t afraid of an AK-47? Show me a modern-day Third World country that isn’t swimming in AK-47s.” > [p.43] And after the great ape makes his fall… > [@Bruce Bethke](#): > > And instead of fading to black, we roll the credits, intercut with fak actualities of New Yorkers talking to reporters. Like, “I don’t know why they had to kill him. He climbed up there by himself. He would have climbed down when he was good and ready.” And, “Gorillas were here first, you know. We must learn to respect and live in harmony with all of natures creatures.” Or maybe, “I just don’t understand why they couldn’t tranquilize him and relocate him to somewhere unihabited, like Iowa.” And the final shot is of Darrow and Driscoll sitting side by side, nervously, while Jerry Springer asks, “Ann, is there something you want to tell Jack?” And she turns to him, smiles sadly, and says, “Jack, honey? Have you ever heard the expression, once you go-rilla, you never go back?” > [p. 46] Let’s MLA this bitch: [sub]Bethke, Bruce, “King Kong 2005.” King Kong Is Back! An Unauthorized Look At One Humongous Ape. Ed. David Brin with Leah Wilson. Dallas: Benbella Books, 2005.[/sub] ---
**Author:** ![Harmonious\_Discord](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/74df32/32.png) [@Harmonious\_Discord](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Harmonious_Discord)\ **Post date:** [September 27, 2007, 2:11am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/be-an-evil-scriptwriter-and-t-on-a-beloved-classic/420227/93 "2007-09-27T02:11:18Z")
[QUOTE=Ghanima] PLEASE let it be a musical…PLEASE let it be a musical… [/QUOTE] It is of coarse a musical. ---
**Author:** ![Hypno-Toad](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/b2d939/32.png) [@Hypno-Toad](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Hypno-Toad)\ **Post date:** [September 27, 2007, 12:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/be-an-evil-scriptwriter-and-t-on-a-beloved-classic/420227/94 "2007-09-27T12:25:02Z")
[QUOTE=Harmonious Discord] Seven Brides for Seven Brothers. We update this to transvestite brides and relocated it to the hood. [/QUOTE] **Boi’s in the Hood**? ---
**Author:** ![BrainGlutton](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/82dd89/32.png) [@BrainGlutton](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BrainGlutton)\ **Post date:** [September 27, 2007, 3:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/be-an-evil-scriptwriter-and-t-on-a-beloved-classic/420227/95 "2007-09-27T15:08:50Z")
_King Kong:_ Denham and his crew, having knocked out Kong with gas and preparing to bundle him onto the ship, get stomped into tomato paste by his relatives, because **the existence of one animal implies an entire breeding population, you dumbasses!** ---
**Author:** ![Lumpy](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/lumpy/32/446_2.png) [@Lumpy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lumpy)\ **Post date:** [September 27, 2007, 4:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/be-an-evil-scriptwriter-and-t-on-a-beloved-classic/420227/96 "2007-09-27T16:44:18Z")
[QUOTE=BrainGlutton] _King Kong:_ Denham and his crew, having knocked out Kong with gas and preparing to bundle him onto the ship, get stomped into tomato paste by his relatives, because **the existence of one animal implies an entire breeding population, you dumbasses!** [/QUOTE] The recent remake did have a brief nod to this: Kong’s lair has the bones of other giant apes, impying that Kong is the very last of his kind. But how any population of enormous megafauna could live on a relatively small island is another question. Heck, _humans_ demonstratively have difficulty maintaining a population on small islands. ---
**Author:** ![Larry\_Borgia](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/larry_borgia/32/156_2.png) [@Larry\_Borgia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Larry_Borgia)\ **Post date:** [September 27, 2007, 4:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/be-an-evil-scriptwriter-and-t-on-a-beloved-classic/420227/97 "2007-09-27T16:52:36Z")
It was a magic island. ---
**Author:** ![Slypork](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/9fc29f/32.png) [@Slypork](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Slypork)\ **Post date:** [September 27, 2007, 7:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/be-an-evil-scriptwriter-and-t-on-a-beloved-classic/420227/98 "2007-09-27T19:20:18Z")
As Gregor Samsa awoke one morning from uneasy dreams he found himself transformed in his bed into a gigantic insect. And now he seeks revenge on the chemical company that did it to him. With his steel claws and titanium shell it’s…._Metal-morphosis_! ---
**Author:** ![Hypno-Toad](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/b2d939/32.png) [@Hypno-Toad](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Hypno-Toad)\ **Post date:** [October 1, 2007, 8:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/be-an-evil-scriptwriter-and-t-on-a-beloved-classic/420227/99 "2007-10-01T20:26:12Z")
[QUOTE=erie774] As Gregor Samsa awoke one morning from uneasy dreams he found himself transformed in his bed into a gigantic insect. And now he seeks revenge on the chemical company that did it to him. With his steel claws and titanium shell it’s…._Metal-morphosis_! [/QUOTE] Think about the awesome soundtrack! ---
**Author:** ![Sampiro](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/2acd7d/32.png) [@Sampiro](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sampiro)\ **Post date:** [October 1, 2007, 8:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/be-an-evil-scriptwriter-and-t-on-a-beloved-classic/420227/100 "2007-10-01T20:44:08Z")
[QUOTE=smithsb] Disney gets around to re-releasing “Song of the South”; the politically correct version! I’ve got to see that one! [/QUOTE] ## Quentin Tarantino’s _Song of the South_: Uncle Remus (Samuel Jackson) tells the little plantation children who worship him (Dakota Fanning and a “younger” HJO) the story of “Li’l Brer & Sis Cracker, who got their asses whipped, arms broken, faces cut up, and woke up with snakes in their mo’f_ckin’ bed when they told Mama that Brer Badass M_therf\*cker stole the jewelry she sent him to bury and hide from the Yankees and or for telling Daddy that he was banging their mama while Daddy was at war”. Features the voices of 70s icons Sherman Hemsley, Loretta Swit, and Rob Reiner as the animated rabid raccoons in Uncle Remus’s delirium tremens. **Confederacy of Dunces** - a heartwarming drama about an effete but passionate mostly housebound man who champions the cause of working boys in Civil Rights era New Orleans. Stars Billy Bob Thornton, Chris Tucker, and Jenny McCarthy. Thomas Wolfe’s **Look Homeward Angel** - deviates heavily from the book in that it includes a likeable character and is set on the asteroid Ceres. The far more canonical director’s cut features 39 hours of deleted scenes based on Wolfe’s book. **A Tale of Two Cities** - now a buddy flick starring Luke and Owen Wilson as lookalikes who trade places in modern day NYC and Baghdad. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/be-an-evil-scriptwriter-and-t-on-a-beloved-classic/420227.md?page=4) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/be-an-evil-scriptwriter-and-t-on-a-beloved-classic/420227.md?page=6)