# Be carefull what you say an the "Something Awful" boards. **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [February 19, 2004, 2:13am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/be-carefull-what-you-say-an-the-something-awful-boards/229924 "2004-02-19T02:13:06Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 13\ **Page:** 3
**Author:** ![Jervoise](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/d2c977/32.png) [@Jervoise](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Jervoise)\ **Post date:** [February 20, 2004, 1:34am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/be-carefull-what-you-say-an-the-something-awful-boards/229924/41 "2004-02-20T01:34:38Z")
> [@Scarlett67](#): > > Eh? I musta got manure for my brains, cuz I’m not seeing it. I see the “SIGN UP NOW!” box, and below it a login screen, and no apparent link to go to the thread. Even tried some different browsers, because sometimes Opera acts funny, but all look the same. Is this in one of the “premium” forums? > > I know I’ve read SA without an account before. Hmm, my mistake. I’ve never been to SA before and didn’t need to log-in. People in the thread were saying it was a public forum, so I assumed everyone could read it. ---
**Author:** ![AngelicGemma](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/439d5e/32.png) [@AngelicGemma](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AngelicGemma)\ **Post date:** [February 20, 2004, 2:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/be-carefull-what-you-say-an-the-something-awful-boards/229924/42 "2004-02-20T14:03:27Z")
I’ve already written this once but the hamsters ate it. Time to do it all over again! > [@Mtgman](#): > > Why? Odds are virtually every human interpersonal relationship has something that one party has said to a third party which is about or might be of concern to their SO. This was not unique to this individual. I’d guess more relationships would end up in tears if it wasn’t possible to keep some secrets. The only thing this person did differently from virtually anyone else was he went to a message board with his secret instead of a trusted friend. As of yet the hidden desire had not caused damage to anyone and was not likely to. Keeping secrets is sometimes okay. Keeping secrets about wanting to swap your girlfriend is not one of them. It doesn’t matter whether your telling a friend or posting about it on the internet. > [@Mtgman](#): > > One poster responded in a way I think was completely appropriate. They said something like “Do both you and the girl(s) a favor. Go away and come back when you’ve grown up and can handle a mature relationship.” That is sound advice and well within the realm of what could be reasonably given based on the scant info the posters on the board have about the poster, but those who took it on themselves to actively work towards damaging the relationship were asses. I agree what that poster said was appropriate. However I doubt the guy who started the thread was planning on listening to that advice. So someone needed to tell that poor girl what her boyfriend was trying to do. > [@Mtgman](#): > > Intervention should be a last resort and then only when it is reasonable to assume serious harm is iminent.(someone saying they’re about to commit suicide/murder for instance) In the other instances I believe we should give the best advice we can and then trust the people actually in the situation to be able to take care of themselves. If my boyfriend posted a thread like that I would want to know, and would be very grateful to the person that told me. > [@Mtgman](#): > > Point the first. Thinking about something which, if acted upon, would be a despicible act of assholery does not, IMHO, make someone definitively an ass. I agree. Thinking about it does not. Posting a thread about how to go about it, IMHO, does. > [@Mtgman](#): > > How many people do you think have fantasies for some supermodel/sports star and would, if they could, do a swap for their SO for that person? I think David Boreanaz (Angel) is VERY hot. He has been my crush for years. But I wouldn’t swap my boyfriend for him. I love my boyfriend. Why would I want to swap him for someone just because I think they’re hot? > [@Mtgman](#): > > Point the second. The goons on SA could not possibly be in a position to determine if this relationship would be better off severed based on this one factoid. When a guy starts a thread asking how to swap his girlfriend for her sister, I think it’s pretty safe to assume she’s better off without him. > [@Mtgman](#): > > Point the third. I find it eminently plausible, perhaps even probable, that they WERE in fact trying to hurt him. Either way, they did the girl a favour. ---
**Author:** ![Malthus](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/85f322/32.png) [@Malthus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Malthus)\ **Post date:** [February 20, 2004, 3:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/be-carefull-what-you-say-an-the-something-awful-boards/229924/43 "2004-02-20T15:19:07Z")
Put me in the camp that finds this sort of “intervention” worthy of condemnation. No doubt the kid blabbing on about sister-swapping was behaving like a jerk. Maybe he really _is_ a jerk. Maybe he set out to ‘impress’ a bunch of what he thought were anonymous strangers on the Internet with his locker-room-style revelations, without actually meaning any of it. Who are the people at SA to judge? Has none of you ever said anything to anyone that, if reported back to your SO, would cause pain? Do you all _really_ want reported directly to you hurtful things that your SO has said? Well, if all of you have behaved with perfect propriety and maturity at all times, and has never said or done anything that would cause you embarassment if dragged up; and if all of your SOs are the same; congratulations! You are entitled to judge others, to support the revelation of all, being perfect yourself. 🆒 On the other hand, in this age of increasingly sophisticated technology, there may come a time when everything you say _can_ be reported back to your friends or your SO. Unless you think this a good thing, it is I think imperative to express the utmost disapproval of anyone who deliberately sets out to cause someone else embarassment in this manner. Bad enough if this action was the result of a moral judgment. Much worse if it was the result of a desire to have fun at someone elses’ expense! ---
**Author:** ![Mtgman](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/b5a626/32.png) [@Mtgman](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mtgman)\ **Post date:** [February 20, 2004, 5:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/be-carefull-what-you-say-an-the-something-awful-boards/229924/44 "2004-02-20T17:48:28Z")
> [@AngelicGemma](#): > > I’ve already written this once but the hamsters ate it. Time to do it all over again! These days I make it a point to copy-paste my posts into some handy temporary spot before even previewing. A little extra overhead, but when you as wordy as I am you tend to appreciate those little labor-saving routines. 🙂 In fact, it tried to eat this one, but I was able to restore it from my backup. > [@](#): > > Keeping secrets is sometimes okay. Keeping secrets about wanting to swap your girlfriend is not one of them. It doesn’t matter whether your telling a friend or posting about it on the internet. Who gets to decide if a secret is ok to keep or not? What are the guidelines? Which thoughts are allowable in, presumably private, conversation and which are out of bounds? > [@](#): > > I agree what that poster said was appropriate. However I doubt the guy who started the thread was planning on listening to that advice. So someone needed to tell that poor girl what her boyfriend was trying to do. I have no idea what advice the guy was planning to listen to. I’m not a mind-reader and I tend to assume that college-age girls can handle themselves if an actual situation arises. If there was anything to be gleaned from that thread it is that the OP is likely a clumsy idiot. I don’t give great odds to a clumsy idiot properly executing a “swap”. In any case it is not my(and certainly not the goons on SA’s) place to act as the burly protector of some completely unknown _adult_ woman(who may well not even exist) and guard her against the **possibility** of emotional harm. > [@](#): > > If my boyfriend posted a thread like that I would want to know, and would be very grateful to the person that told me. Can we try a thought experiment? I’m really not trying to get personal here and please understand that this is all in the course of trying to support my main point that some level of privacy should be sacrosanct and respected. Let’s pretend, for the moment, that I’m some random person who read this thread. I read your statements and I think “Hmm, a control freak. Thinks her man has no right to have his own thoughts or desires, which are expressed to third parties in a conversation which did not include her, kept private. I wonder if he knows he’s dating someone with such little respect for his privacy? I wonder what else she’d do if she had the chance. What else she’d feel she has the right to know. Reading his mail if he chances to leave it in view? Quizzing his buddies about what he says about her when they’re having a guy’s night? I personally feel that kind of girl is nothing but trouble and he’d be better off without her.” So I go and ferret out info about you and find your BF’s contact info. I send him accurate reports of what you’ve said and my speculations on why you’re poison and he should run far and fast. Have I done something noble? Have I done nothing more than pass on information that he had a right to know? > [@](#): > > I think David Boreanaz (Angel) is VERY hot. He has been my crush for years. But I wouldn’t swap my boyfriend for him. I love my boyfriend. Why would I want to swap him for someone just because I think they’re hot? To be fair, the question was not directed solely at you. It also wasn’t limited to just “hotness” factor. Having a crush on someone for any reason, hotness, coolness, power, money, etc. to the point where you would contemplate, even discuss, ways of doing a swap for your SO and that person is still just a fantasy. I don’t think someone should be persecuted for fantasies. I still think it is reasonable to say that there are lots of people out there who would swap, entertain thoughts of it, or have even spoken/investigated about how to actually do it. This does not make them bad people undeserving of their relationships _per se_. It just makes them human and succeptible to temptation. Just like the rest of us. > [@](#): > > When a guy starts a thread asking how to swap his girlfriend for her sister, I think it’s pretty safe to assume she’s better off without him. Maybe. Maybe not. Relationships can’t be so easily evaluated. There are lots of assumptions you’re making about the relationship in question which may or may not be accurate in reality. In any event it is not some random person on the internet’s place to act as judge, jury, and executioner. > [@](#): > > Either way, they did the girl a favour. Only in an “the ends justify the means” view, and even then that makes all the same assumptions as the earlier statement. For all we know he’s a really great guy and they’re normally a great match. I seem to recall the entire thread took only about a day to play out. A single day in which he expressed temptation and questioned the relationship. We have no idea what their relationship was like before, or what it would been like after were it not for this incident. I think the most likely outcome, if the goons at SA had not done what they did, is he would have gotten over it. If not I think he would have failed miserably in an attempt at a “swap”(c.f. evidence that he is a clumsy idiot) and his GF would have kicked him to the curb where he would have proven he belonged. Up until that point, however, all he had was think thoughts and speak words. I don’t think people should be persecuted for thoughts and words. Especially when they are nothing more than thousands, perhaps millions, of us think and/or say every day. Fantasies, desires, temptation. All very real. All very common. **Malthus**. You may have seen it, but David Brin’s [The Transparent Society](http://www.davidbrin.com/tschp1.html) addresses this question. I personally completely disagree with his conclusions, but many of his scenarios have the ring of foresight. Enjoy, Steven ---
**Author:** ![Malthus](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/85f322/32.png) [@Malthus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Malthus)\ **Post date:** [February 20, 2004, 8:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/be-carefull-what-you-say-an-the-something-awful-boards/229924/45 "2004-02-20T20:41:51Z")
> [@Mtgman](#): > > **Malthus**. You may have seen it, but David Brin’s [The Transparent Society](http://www.davidbrin.com/tschp1.html) addresses this question. I personally completely disagree with his conclusions, but many of his scenarios have the ring of foresight. > > Enjoy, > Steven Interesting, very interesting. His utopia is my dystopia. Who would want to live in a world where everyone watches everyone else all the time? And who would have the time to do all that watching? ---
**Author:** ![Mtgman](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/b5a626/32.png) [@Mtgman](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mtgman)\ **Post date:** [February 21, 2004, 12:05am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/be-carefull-what-you-say-an-the-something-awful-boards/229924/46 "2004-02-21T00:05:16Z")
> [@Malthus](#): > > Interesting, very interesting. His utopia is my dystopia. Who would want to live in a world where everyone watches everyone else all the time? And who would have the time to do all that watching? I feel much the same way. Although it is my understanding that he doesn’t advocate actually WATCHING everyone all the time, just that the mere fact that you CAN pretty much automatically shields you from prying eyes. If someone sees you buying a porno mag, for instance, then if they start getting all self-righteous and giving you crap about it they better think twice because you have as much access into their life as they have into yours and you can reveal that they don’t wash their hands when they go to the bathroom in retaliation. Ultimately I think that hypothesis is untenable because not everyone will be equally proficient with the system and those who wear tin-foil hats(metaphorically speaking) and fly lower on the radar would have an advantage by being able to conceal their foibles and still attack the weaknesses of others(as revealed to them by the ubiquitous information-gathering technologies). A hell in very many ways, but Brin is right on the money about one thing. Something’s gotta give. Enjoy, Steven ---
**Author:** ![AngelicGemma](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/439d5e/32.png) [@AngelicGemma](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AngelicGemma)\ **Post date:** [February 21, 2004, 4:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/be-carefull-what-you-say-an-the-something-awful-boards/229924/47 "2004-02-21T16:22:25Z")
> [@Mtgman](#): > > I make it a point to copy-paste my posts into some handy temporary spot before even previewing. I have learnt this the hard way. 😃 > [@Mtgman](#): > > Who gets to decide if a secret is ok to keep or not? What are the guidelines? Which thoughts are allowable in, presumably private, conversation and which are out of bounds? On some secrets people would have different opinions on whether it is okay to keep it or not. However in this case I think nearly everyone would agree that the girlfriend had a right to know. > [@Mtgman](#): > > If there was anything to be gleaned from that thread it is that the OP is likely a clumsy idiot. I don’t give great odds to a clumsy idiot properly executing a “swap”. In any case it is not my(and certainly not the goons on SA’s) place to act as the burly protector of some completely unknown _adult_ woman(who may well not even exist) and guard her against the **possibility** of emotional harm. I still think the posters were right to tell her. > [@Mtgman](#): > > Can we try a thought experiment? I’m really not trying to get personal here and please understand that this is all in the course of trying to support my main point that some level of privacy should be sacrosanct and respected. I’ve never said that people shouldn’t have privacy. I just think that in the case of that thread the girl had a right to know. > [@Mtgman](#): > > Let’s pretend, for the moment, that I’m some random person who read this thread. I read your statements and I think “Hmm, a control freak. Thinks her man has no right to have his own thoughts or desires, which are expressed to third parties in a conversation which did not include her, kept private. I wonder if he knows he’s dating someone with such little respect for his privacy? I wonder what else she’d do if she had the chance. What else she’d feel she has the right to know. Reading his mail if he chances to leave it in view? Quizzing his buddies about what he says about her when they’re having a guy’s night? I personally feel that kind of girl is nothing but trouble and he’d be better off without her.” So I go and ferret out info about you and find your BF’s contact info. I send him accurate reports of what you’ve said and my speculations on why you’re poison and he should run far and fast. > > Have I done something noble? Have I done nothing more than pass on information that he had a right to know? That situation is completely different. Someone asking how to swap his girlfriend, is completely different from you forming an opinion about me and feeling my boyfriend has a right to know your opinion. > [@Mtgman](#): > > To be fair, the question was not directed solely at you. It also wasn’t limited to just “hotness” factor. Having a crush on someone for any reason, hotness, coolness, power, money, etc. to the point where you would contemplate, even discuss, ways of doing a swap for your SO and that person is still just a fantasy. I don’t think someone should be persecuted for fantasies. . When you are asking how to swap, it has gone beyond being just a harmless fantasy. > [@Mtgman](#): > > There are lots of assumptions you’re making about the relationship in question which may or may not be accurate in reality. What assumptions have I made? The only one I can think of making is that she is better off without him. > [@Mtgman](#): > > In any event it is not some random person on the internet’s place to act as judge, jury, and executioner. They only told her what her boyfriend has been up to. It is left to her to act as “judge, jury and executioner” > [@Mtgman](#): > > For all we know he’s a really great guy and they’re normally a great match. Anyone who is asking how to swap his girlfriend for her twin is not a great guy. > [@Mtgman](#): > > I seem to recall the entire thread took only about a day to play out. A single day in which he expressed temptation and questioned the relationship. We have no idea what their relationship was like before, or what it would been like after were it not for this incident. I think the most likely outcome, if the goons at SA had not done what they did, is he would have gotten over it. The guy obviously prefers his girlfriend’s twin. So even if he’d had “gotten over it” and realised a swap was just not going to happen, she’d have been second best. No women should have to put up with that. So I stick by my opinion that they were right to tell her. If he’s have gotten over it in the sense of stopped having feeling for his girlfriend’s twin. The fact is, he was prepared to swap them, and to top it all off he even called her fat. This shows a TOTAL lack of respect for her. So she’s better off knowing. > [@Mtgman](#): > > Up until that point, however, all he had was think thoughts and speak words. I don’t think people should be persecuted for thoughts and words. He was asking how to swap his girlfriend! It wasn’t like he’s just been fantasising about her twin. ---
**Author:** ![Muad\_Dib](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/35a633/32.png) [@Muad\_Dib](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Muad_Dib)\ **Post date:** [April 29, 2004, 7:14am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/be-carefull-what-you-say-an-the-something-awful-boards/229924/48 "2004-04-29T07:14:57Z")
You fucked up. The crazy Japanease man won. Yeah, him.,mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmnhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh,mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm ---
**Author:** ![Lando\_Griffin](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/f17d59/32.png) [@Lando\_Griffin](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lando_Griffin)\ **Post date:** [April 29, 2004, 7:22am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/be-carefull-what-you-say-an-the-something-awful-boards/229924/49 "2004-04-29T07:22:49Z")
You ressurected a thread for _THAT?_ :smack: ---
**Author:** ![Lando\_Griffin](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/f17d59/32.png) [@Lando\_Griffin](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lando_Griffin)\ **Post date:** [April 29, 2004, 7:24am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/be-carefull-what-you-say-an-the-something-awful-boards/229924/50 "2004-04-29T07:24:03Z")
Damn, didn’t mean to get all insulting with the :smack Just pretend that there was always a 😕 there instead. ---
**Author:** ![Leaper](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/4bbf92/32.png) [@Leaper](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Leaper)\ **Post date:** [April 29, 2004, 7:31am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/be-carefull-what-you-say-an-the-something-awful-boards/229924/51 "2004-04-29T07:31:04Z")
Well, at least it’s only two months old. You know there’s been worse. 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![Sublight](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/439d5e/32.png) [@Sublight](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sublight)\ **Post date:** [April 29, 2004, 10:33am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/be-carefull-what-you-say-an-the-something-awful-boards/229924/52 "2004-04-29T10:33:53Z")
Well, looking at this thread and the resurrection of his ‘cowardly Spaniards’ Pit thread with similarly incomprehensible gibberish, I’m guessing he got drunk off his ass, decided to recreate **Homer** ’s mushroom experience, or simply left himself logged in on a public machine. Anyway, since it’s back… > [@Mgtman](#): > > Who gets to decide if a secret is ok to keep or not? What are the guidelines? Easy. When it’s posted to a public message board, it’s not a secret. Anyway, I don’t think this is a “the ends justify the means” situation, I think its a “the means justify the means” one. I personally thought it was absolutely hilarious. When you post to a public forum, you’re performing before a crowd. You can’t choose their reaction, you can’t choose what they’ll laugh at and what they won’t. All you can choose is whether or not to go out there on stage in the first place. ---
**Author:** ![Muad\_Dib](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/35a633/32.png) [@Muad\_Dib](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Muad_Dib)\ **Post date:** [May 11, 2004, 5:26am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/be-carefull-what-you-say-an-the-something-awful-boards/229924/53 "2004-05-11T05:26:04Z")
GOD DAMNIT! **I DID NOT POST THAT!** I left my browser open a few weeks ago and some utter asshole “friend” did a search for my name and posted this shit! He is the same one that bumped the “cowards” thread. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/be-carefull-what-you-say-an-the-something-awful-boards/229924.md?page=2)