# Becoming a father **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [March 7, 2013, 10:02am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/becoming-a-father/652278 "2013-03-07T10:02:37Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 8
**Author:** ![ignoranus](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/6f9a4e/32.png) [@ignoranus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ignoranus)\ **Post date:** [March 9, 2013, 12:12am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/becoming-a-father/652278/141 "2013-03-09T00:12:34Z")
yes its that classic situation - f_cked if u do and f_cked if u dont… so i suggest you do and just add to your list of experiences! ,) Besides I am sure you have very good fatherly qualities! If not, you will learn with time! ---
**Author:** ![Beastly\_Rotter](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/45deac/32.png) [@Beastly\_Rotter](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Beastly_Rotter)\ **Post date:** [March 9, 2013, 12:50am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/becoming-a-father/652278/142 "2013-03-09T00:50:28Z")
> [@JohnClay](#): > > Why did you quote the word “disgusting”? I don’t think I’ve called her belly that. Repulsive perhaps. You’re not disgusting, honey, you’re only repulsive. ---
**Author:** ![Meatros](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/b4bc9f/32.png) [@Meatros](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Meatros)\ **Post date:** [March 9, 2013, 1:20am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/becoming-a-father/652278/143 "2013-03-09T01:20:54Z")
> [@JohnClay](#): > > BTW twice I’ve pulled out turds from toilets they were blocking with my bare hands so I don’t think nappies would be that bad. Good God man, haven’t you heard of a plunger? What did you do with the turd afterward? Also, let’s get something cleared up - was this your turd? Your wife’s turd? A stranger’s turd? ---
**Author:** ![Beastly\_Rotter](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/45deac/32.png) [@Beastly\_Rotter](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Beastly_Rotter)\ **Post date:** [March 9, 2013, 1:24am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/becoming-a-father/652278/144 "2013-03-09T01:24:14Z")
> [@Meatros](#): > > Good God man, haven’t you heard of a plunger? > > What did you do with the turd afterward? > Also, let’s get something cleared up - was this your turd? Your wife’s turd? A stranger’s turd? And how would you rate it on a scale of 1 to 10? ---
**Author:** ![Meatros](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/b4bc9f/32.png) [@Meatros](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Meatros)\ **Post date:** [March 9, 2013, 1:28am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/becoming-a-father/652278/145 "2013-03-09T01:28:47Z")
> [@Beastly\_Rotter](#): > > And how would you rate it on a scale of 1 to 10? Probably a five, it bulged slightly in the middle… ---
**Author:** ![Beastly\_Rotter](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/45deac/32.png) [@Beastly\_Rotter](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Beastly_Rotter)\ **Post date:** [March 9, 2013, 1:35am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/becoming-a-father/652278/146 "2013-03-09T01:35:57Z")
> [@Meatros](#): > > Probably a five, it bulged slightly in the middle… Would Not Eat Again. ---
**Author:** ![Ambivalid](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/a5b964/32.png) [@Ambivalid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ambivalid)\ **Post date:** [March 9, 2013, 1:48am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/becoming-a-father/652278/147 "2013-03-09T01:48:26Z")
> [@JohnClay](#): > > BTW apparently when my wife told her mum she was trying for a baby she said “she’s as happy as they come” BTW God Bless the two of you always!! 🙂 🙂 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![jools](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/b3f665/32.png) [@jools](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/jools)\ **Post date:** [March 9, 2013, 3:06am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/becoming-a-father/652278/148 "2013-03-09T03:06:28Z")
I may be a bit drunk right but I just dropped my laptop reading this. Thank god I didn’t smash it or you’d owe me. Excellent I love it thanks **Ambivalid** fir the laugh 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![JohnClay](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/c37758/32.png) [@JohnClay](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/JohnClay)\ **Post date:** [March 9, 2013, 5:02am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/becoming-a-father/652278/149 "2013-03-09T05:02:42Z")
> [@Meatros](#): > > Good God man, haven’t you heard of a plunger? Plungers don’t pick turds out of toilets… though they could help getting it unstuck. > [@](#): > > What did you do with the turd afterward? Double bagged it and threw it in the outside garbage can. I think with the previous one I broke it into pieces and flushed them but the toilet was taking too long to refill. > [@](#): > > Also, let’s get something cleared up - was this your turd? Your wife’s turd? A stranger’s turd? The most recent time was my wife’s and before that was probably my flatmates… ---
**Author:** ![JohnClay](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/c37758/32.png) [@JohnClay](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/JohnClay)\ **Post date:** [March 9, 2013, 5:27am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/becoming-a-father/652278/150 "2013-03-09T05:27:43Z")
> [@Larry\_Borgia](#): > > **John Clay** you are way too detached and self absorbed to be a parent, no matter how many books you read. I can do what the books say… i.e apply their techniques rather than just learn about child psychology or whatever. > [@](#): > > You seem unable to relate to people as human beings like yourself, I had a big talk to my long-term friend today about his previous two girlfriends. I was giving him quite a bit of advice. BTW his previous girlfriend had depression (I suspected it but he was reluctant to admit it). The main problem was that she was far too negative far too much. I suggested uncommon knowledge’s depression program which was the main reason I got over my depression IMO. > [@](#): > > and unable able to process or experience genuine emotion. I can at least experience contentment, fear, joy, anger, empathy resulting in crying/tears, surprise, etc. Those are genuine emotions! > [@](#): > > You can’t just pawn off child care on your wife, I was asking my wife if she’s prepared to be the main one to take care of it. I’m just seeing how committed she is. I’d help quite a lot though. > [@](#): > > or reduce it to algorithms. I don’t think 5:1 or 6:1 ratios are that bad… they’re based on real research rather than most self-help stuff that is based on intuitions or what they’ve tried in their limited experience. (5:1 ratio was based on very extensive studying of hundreds of married couples) > [@](#): > > Please do not reproduce. Well it seems like a good idea. > [@](#): > > If you have a child you will be inflicting slow mental torture on someone who can’t defend themselves. The child will eventually turn to drugs or other self destructive behavior just to numb the wounds you will leave in his or her heart. > > I am speaking from personal experience. The kid’s upbringing would be full of love and mental stimulation. It would be a better environment than having a single working mother. Or being raised in poverty and if a parent lacked some respect for the partner or the kid… or if a parent wasn’t responsible and couldn’t delay self-gratification, etc. You seem to think my kid would have low self esteem - but what about my wife? I mean she loves me an incredible amount and would love the kid a lot (and tell them about it, etc). A lot of parents just expect too much from their kids - THEY are more likely to have wounds. BTW in a movie called “The Karen Carpenter Story” a doctor said that a thing in common with anorexic girls is that their parents don’t say they love the kid. Karen’s mother refused to. But eventually she told Karen she loved her and Karen stopped being anorexic. On the other hand me and my wife often say we love each other - and the same with our relatives. Also I’m familiar with the “5 love languages” which talk about people’s emotional tank. I use all of the love languages with my wife and she does it back. I don’t see why I wouldn’t do the same with my kid. BTW about half of marriages involve cheating and/or divorce. Surely my loving marriage is a better environment to raise a kid in than in many of the other environments. ---
**Author:** ![JohnClay](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/c37758/32.png) [@JohnClay](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/JohnClay)\ **Post date:** [March 9, 2013, 5:36am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/becoming-a-father/652278/151 "2013-03-09T05:36:45Z")
> [@Guinastasia](#): > > …BTW, about your wife being a “five” – what would you do if she were in an accident and suffered severe burn scars for the rest of her life that made her look horrible. Would you stay with her? Would you still love her? Yes I’d still love her. She’d still have her crazy humor and our banter, her extreme love and affection, being very concerned with pleasing me sexually in every way (even though I’ve never given her oral sex)… she has cute cheekbones and pulls funny faces so that would continue to some extent. > [@](#): > > Dude, don’t be a dad. I can’t see this marriage lasting a kid. (Well, actually I don’t see it lasting period.) Apparently in Gottman’s studies he can predict with more than 90% accuracy which marriages will last and be happy and which would end in divorce. I think his studies are more useful than many people’s opinions… especially people that don’t know how loving my wife is or what I’m like in real life, etc. Like I said earlier, in real life I’ve only ever told one person she’s a 5. Or maybe there were two people. After being encouraged here to break up with my girlfriend I talked on the phone to a nurse. He said to weigh up the positives and negatives. I might have said she was a 5 to him too. ---
**Author:** ![JohnClay](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/c37758/32.png) [@JohnClay](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/JohnClay)\ **Post date:** [March 9, 2013, 5:52am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/becoming-a-father/652278/152 "2013-03-09T05:52:51Z")
> [@SeaDragonTattoo](#): > > You’ve mentioned you’re not on anti-depressants any more, but then mentioned being on an anti-psychotic. Sounds like there’s more going on with you than just mild depression. I said amongst my relatives they’ve just had mild depression. I’ve got bipolar disorder but I’ve been managing it very well for the last few years. > [@](#): > > Add your wife’s mental issues to yours and you have some kind of stew brewing to bring a kid into. There would be a lot of other people that would help too… until recently my wife kept her mental issues to herself except for her problem going to restaurants. BTW there a lot of parents that swear, get drunk, etc. We’re very well behaved and most of us are Christian (except me). I am fairly polite but sometimes assertive. I think I’d be a good role model for my kid - unlike some parents who hit their hit and say “don’t hit your brother”. > [@](#): > > I have cousins who grew up with an emotionally unstable and chemically imbalanced mother who was “off” whether she took her meds or not. Well our big mental issues seem to behind us - I mean we’ve been hospitalized a few times. I’ve been really stable - even though I don’t sound normal on this message board. BTW like I said, my wife’s mother studied social work and has 7 kids (one is a multi-millionaire) and she gives us advice, etc. > [@](#): > > …If you want to raise a human who feels that way about his/her parents, then by all means go right ahead. Just don’t be surprised when he/she leaves asap and you never hear from your kid again. BTW my wife’s mum is raising a 12 year old and the girl’s mother is pretty much in mental hospitals all of the time… but the girl is turning out very well. ---
**Author:** ![Ambivalid](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/a5b964/32.png) [@Ambivalid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ambivalid)\ **Post date:** [March 9, 2013, 5:53am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/becoming-a-father/652278/153 "2013-03-09T05:53:02Z")
> [@JohnClay](#): > > I’ve never given her oral sex Why not? ---
**Author:** ![Beastly\_Rotter](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/45deac/32.png) [@Beastly\_Rotter](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Beastly_Rotter)\ **Post date:** [March 9, 2013, 5:57am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/becoming-a-father/652278/154 "2013-03-09T05:57:49Z")
> [@Ambivalid](#): > > Why not? She’s a 5, duh. ---
**Author:** ![Ambivalid](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/a5b964/32.png) [@Ambivalid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ambivalid)\ **Post date:** [March 9, 2013, 6:04am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/becoming-a-father/652278/155 "2013-03-09T06:04:33Z")
> [@Beastly\_Rotter](#): > > She’s a 5, duh. Oh yeah. I wonder if they made him kiss the bitch on their wedding day. Poor fella. ☹ ---
**Author:** ![JohnClay](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/c37758/32.png) [@JohnClay](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/JohnClay)\ **Post date:** [March 9, 2013, 6:07am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/becoming-a-father/652278/156 "2013-03-09T06:07:25Z")
Even if she was a 10 I wouldn’t want to… partly because of the pubic hairs (though perhaps a “10” wouldn’t have pubic hair) and also because it might taste or smell funny… and also because it is just weird… I’d rather just kiss them or have regular sex, etc. I’ve talked about it with my wife and we agree that fellatio is ok while cunnilingus is a bit disgusting. My wife has mentioned having done the 69 position in the past but didn’t like it that much. ---
**Author:** ![JohnClay](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/c37758/32.png) [@JohnClay](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/JohnClay)\ **Post date:** [March 9, 2013, 6:10am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/becoming-a-father/652278/157 "2013-03-09T06:10:25Z")
> [@Ambivalid](#): > > Oh yeah. > > I wonder if they made him kiss the bitch on their wedding day. Poor fella. ☹ On the wedding day I kissed her a few times… [![](http://pictat.com/i/2013/3/2/39809kissing.jpg) ](http://pictat.com/i/2013/3/2/39809kissing.jpg) ---
**Author:** ![JohnClay](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/c37758/32.png) [@JohnClay](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/JohnClay)\ **Post date:** [March 9, 2013, 6:14am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/becoming-a-father/652278/158 "2013-03-09T06:14:01Z")
BTW we hadn’t french kissed until recently but I’ll probably rewatch William Cane’s video about french kissing sometime… at the moment I just randomly move my tongue around. ---
**Author:** ![Beastly\_Rotter](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/45deac/32.png) [@Beastly\_Rotter](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Beastly_Rotter)\ **Post date:** [March 9, 2013, 6:24am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/becoming-a-father/652278/159 "2013-03-09T06:24:29Z")
> [@JohnClay](#): > > Even if she was a 10 I wouldn’t want to… partly because of the pubic hairs (though perhaps a “10” wouldn’t have pubic hair) and also because it might taste or smell funny… and also because it is just weird… I’d rather just kiss them or have regular sex, etc. I’ve talked about it with my wife and we agree that fellatio is ok while cunnilingus is a bit disgusting. My wife has mentioned having done the 69 position in the past but didn’t like it that much. I’m curious, do you rate your own self by the same rigorous standards you apply to your wife? If so, where do you place? ---
**Author:** ![Ambivalid](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/a5b964/32.png) [@Ambivalid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ambivalid)\ **Post date:** [March 9, 2013, 6:25am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/becoming-a-father/652278/160 "2013-03-09T06:25:30Z")
> [@JohnClay](#): > > I’ve talked about it with my wife and we agree that fellatio is ok while cunnilingus is a bit disgusting. I bet. Most women feel this way. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/becoming-a-father/652278.md?page=7) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/becoming-a-father/652278.md?page=9)