# Behold, Jester, Killer of Threads **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [August 29, 2000, 1:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/behold-jester-killer-of-threads/31178 "2000-08-29T13:52:57Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 17
**Author:** ![struuter](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/b9e5f3/32.png) [@struuter](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/struuter)\ **Post date:** [September 12, 2000, 1:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/behold-jester-killer-of-threads/31178/321 "2000-09-12T13:42:15Z")
No, Sauron. That was nice. _blush_ Thank you. And Jester…I’m not depressed. Heck, in its own twisted, sick kind of way, this thread is fun. I mean…think about all the great memories we have… _cue the memory montage to swelling background music of We Are the Champions_ There’s a story here, boys. And even though it doesn’t make any sense or have any real meaning…it’s our story. _sniff_ Why, when I think of the triumphant moments when Sauron towered over the quivering beast after a Labor Day weekend battling its lower intestine…when Tymp spouted really impressive threats and wore that cool armor with the hinge on the codpiece…when Jester leapt into the mouth of the creature–for my sake!–and fought so valiantly with his spork–when particlewill nearly exhausted himself telling truly and profoundly odd tales of liquid latex mining…well, it just brings a tear of confused and perplexed joy to my eye. I’m so proud to have been present. So proud to have known the greats… Here, have some coffee. ---
**Author:** ![Sauron](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ce7236/32.png) [@Sauron](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sauron)\ **Post date:** [September 12, 2000, 2:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/behold-jester-killer-of-threads/31178/322 "2000-09-12T14:12:50Z")
You’re exactly right, struuter. We all share a bond that goes beyond the ken of normal people on this planet, a bond forged in the fiery furnace of shared tribulation and anxiety. We’ve laughed together, we’ve fought together, and we’ve emerged from depths unimagined by mere mortals – battered, beaten, tired beyond belief, yet straighter of back, keener of vision, with an appreciation of … Hey! Doughnuts! ---
**Author:** ![Ogre](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/ecb155/32.png) [@Ogre](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ogre)\ **Post date:** [September 12, 2000, 3:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/behold-jester-killer-of-threads/31178/323 "2000-09-12T15:50:24Z")
Everyone! There’s an Ogre trying to snatch the title! 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![Sauron](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ce7236/32.png) [@Sauron](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sauron)\ **Post date:** [September 12, 2000, 4:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/behold-jester-killer-of-threads/31178/324 "2000-09-12T16:11:07Z")
Greetings, Ogre. Might you have upon you a massive club with which to pound on the head of this thread? ---
**Author:** ![struuter](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/b9e5f3/32.png) [@struuter](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/struuter)\ **Post date:** [September 12, 2000, 4:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/behold-jester-killer-of-threads/31178/325 "2000-09-12T16:15:58Z")
Just don’t think you can claw your way out from the inside, Ogre. We’ve learned a thing or two… _lays head affectionately on Sauron’s shoulder, whispering_ he’s not going to listen, is he? He’s going to go storming in there and we’ll have to drag him out. My cloak is ruined and I can’t spare this robe. Better find the spork… ---
**Author:** ![Ogre](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/ecb155/32.png) [@Ogre](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ogre)\ **Post date:** [September 12, 2000, 5:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/behold-jester-killer-of-threads/31178/326 "2000-09-12T17:34:12Z")
Uh oh. Methinks I spy the nature of this thread. It’s like a big, friendly, fuzzy pitcher plant. There’s a shiny little surprise lying at the bottom, and that water down there looks so **comfortable.** Everybody seems to be having a good time. ::SPLASH:: Right about now is when I find out I’m in the middle of the “Anthony” segment from the Twilight Zone movie. 🙂 Sorry for the obscure reference. The Title shall be mine! 🙂 :Taps Sauron on the shoulder: Excuse me. Can you show me the exit, please? ---
**Author:** ![Sauron](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ce7236/32.png) [@Sauron](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sauron)\ **Post date:** [September 12, 2000, 5:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/behold-jester-killer-of-threads/31178/327 "2000-09-12T17:40:28Z")
There are a couple of possible exits, but I’m not sure I’d recommend either one. I can tell you from personal experience that one of them is pretty vile, but from what I’ve seen still clinging to Jester, it may be the better alternative. ---
**Author:** ![struuter](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/b9e5f3/32.png) [@struuter](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/struuter)\ **Post date:** [September 12, 2000, 5:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/behold-jester-killer-of-threads/31178/328 "2000-09-12T17:50:12Z")
Sauron, that’s not from the thread. I think that’s powdered sugar from his doughnut…oh THAT…yeah, maybe we’d better give him another bath. _pushes sleeves up, calling in sweetest voice_ J? Come over here, sweetie. We need to have a little talk… ---
**Author:** ![Skelji](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/b38774/32.png) [@Skelji](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Skelji)\ **Post date:** [September 12, 2000, 7:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/behold-jester-killer-of-threads/31178/329 "2000-09-12T19:18:35Z")
You guys are nuts. After sifting through seven pages of this schtuff, the least I can do is toss my hat in the ring. Qualifications? The last 3 threads I posted to are now nothing more than hollow, rotting corpses. Since all you regulars have been busy beating the crap out of each other, maybe I can sneak in here and steal a victory. _no way_ Maybe it will be like Las Vegas, where you watch people drop hundreds of dollars in a slot machine, then you walk in at the last minute and win it all with one quarter. _fat chance_ Do I expect to kill this thread? Hell No! I just told you I’ve been through 7 pages! I can’t possibly kill this thread. This will be great for my morale! Just the confidence booster that new meat like me needs to finally shed my thread-murdering complex. ---
**Author:** ![struuter](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/b9e5f3/32.png) [@struuter](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/struuter)\ **Post date:** [September 12, 2000, 7:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/behold-jester-killer-of-threads/31178/330 "2000-09-12T19:32:17Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Dire Wolf \* > \*\*You guys are nuts. After sifting through seven pages of this schtuff, the least I can do is toss my hat in the ring. Qualifications? The last 3 threads I posted to are now nothing more than hollow, rotting corpses. > > Since all you regulars have been busy beating the crap out of each other, maybe I can sneak in here and steal a victory. _no way_ > > Maybe it will be like Las Vegas, where you watch people drop hundreds of dollars in a slot machine, then you walk in at the last minute and win it all with one quarter. _fat chance_ > > Do I expect to kill this thread? Hell No! I just told you I’ve been through 7 pages! I can’t possibly kill this thread. This will be great for my morale! Just the confidence booster that new meat like me needs to finally shed my thread-murdering complex. \*\* _hands him a doughnut_ Honey, relax. This is no killer’s thread. This is just a sort of thread-killers-anonymous. We’ve all done it–some more than others–some with lightning speed–others with the gentle caress of a lover. Truth is…we kinda like it here. Sick? Okay, so you say that like it’s a bad thing… 🙂 I will tell you the big secret. The one we all know deep in our hearts but are afraid to admit. The real winner–the true slayer will post something like this: “So, hey! What’s everybody up to this morning? I can’t wait to see what you guys are going to do to this thing today!” Get it? The killer will be the one who’s actually trying NOT to kill the blasted thing. Why will it be like that? Because this is a thread. And anyone who’s killed a thread knows that’s how it goes. That’s why we all feel so crappy for doing it. Right? So, come over here, sit down and take a break. Just don’t sit too close to that puddle. And don’t, for god’s sake, touch that spork. ---
**Author:** ![Sauron](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ce7236/32.png) [@Sauron](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sauron)\ **Post date:** [September 12, 2000, 7:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/behold-jester-killer-of-threads/31178/331 "2000-09-12T19:44:18Z")
Welcome, Dire Wolf. (Can I call you DW for short?) Can’t have too many cooks in THIS broth. Since you’ve slogged your way to the end of the thread, you obviously know the combatants here, so I’ll dispense with the introductions. A few things you probably need to be aware of, though: 1. If particle will looks like he’s gonna start another story, run for cover. 2. Don’t be lulled into a false sense of security by the apparent solidity of Tymp’s codpiece. The only thing between us and Armageddon is a high-tension hinge. 3. Jester is a man to be feared for his courage and fortitude. He’s also a man to be reviled for starting this damn thread in the first place. 4. struuter is a wonderful, caring person who will make you almost any snack you want. Plus she gets naked fairly regularly. ---
**Author:** ![struuter](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/b9e5f3/32.png) [@struuter](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/struuter)\ **Post date:** [September 12, 2000, 8:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/behold-jester-killer-of-threads/31178/332 "2000-09-12T20:07:22Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Sauron \* > \*\*Welcome, Dire Wolf. (Can I call you DW for short?) Can’t have too many cooks in THIS broth. > > Since you’ve slogged your way to the end of the thread, you obviously know the combatants here, so I’ll dispense with the introductions. A few things you probably need to be aware of, though: > > 1. If particle will looks like he’s gonna start another story, run for cover. > 2. Don’t be lulled into a false sense of security by the apparent solidity of Tymp’s codpiece. The only thing between us and Armageddon is a high-tension hinge. > 3. Jester is a man to be feared for his courage and fortitude. He’s also a man to be reviled for starting this damn thread in the first place. > 4. struuter is a wonderful, caring person who will make you almost any snack you want. Plus she gets naked fairly regularly. \*\* Snack strumpet, numero uno. _best ditsy voice_ It is time for me to take off the robe now, yes? You stinker, Sauron. I only took off the cloak to save lives. Ugh. I’m hopeless. Wonderful, caring? Aw…you make me blush. 😉 ---
**Author:** ![Sauron](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ce7236/32.png) [@Sauron](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sauron)\ **Post date:** [September 12, 2000, 8:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/behold-jester-killer-of-threads/31178/333 "2000-09-12T20:22:52Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by struuter \* > You stinker, Sauron. I only took off the cloak to save lives. \*\* Help! I’m dying! Help! ---
**Author:** ![struuter](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/b9e5f3/32.png) [@struuter](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/struuter)\ **Post date:** [September 12, 2000, 8:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/behold-jester-killer-of-threads/31178/334 "2000-09-12T20:31:12Z")
Ha ha. Very funny, wiseguy. _turns to walk away, takes a few steps, looks back at Sauron…drops robe_ Oops. 😃 ---
**Author:** ![Sauron](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ce7236/32.png) [@Sauron](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sauron)\ **Post date:** [September 12, 2000, 8:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/behold-jester-killer-of-threads/31178/335 "2000-09-12T20:40:39Z")
Hey, I’m not proud. ---
**Author:** ![Skelji](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/b38774/32.png) [@Skelji](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Skelji)\ **Post date:** [September 12, 2000, 8:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/behold-jester-killer-of-threads/31178/336 "2000-09-12T20:48:59Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Sauron \* > \*\*Welcome, Dire Wolf. (Can I call you DW for short?) \*\* Sure. Just…don’t…call me…_late for dinner_😃 :sheepish grin: Sorry, couldn’t resist. > [@](#): > > 1. Don’t be lulled into a false sense of security by the apparent solidity of Tymp’s codpiece. The only thing between us and Armageddon is a high-tension hinge. So I can come out from under the bed now? That thing was really starting to scare me \ > [@](#): > > 1. struuter is a wonderful, caring person who will make you almost any snack you want. Thanks, I **like** doughnuts!!! Can I have a struuter strumpet strudel, too? > [@](#): > > Plus she gets naked fairly regularly. **I Like Cupcakes!!! Mmmmm…scrump-diddly-icious!** \ Hello. My name is Dire Wolf, and I am a thread killer. It started when I was just a dire pup. I was very young when I was born. My earliest thread killing memories are from the fourth grade…OH NO!!! A FOURTH GRADE MEMORY!!! :running like hell: Whoops! Uh, sorry struuter, I slipped in your puddle… Did I get any on ya? ---
**Author:** ![struuter](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/b9e5f3/32.png) [@struuter](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/struuter)\ **Post date:** [September 12, 2000, 8:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/behold-jester-killer-of-threads/31178/337 "2000-09-12T20:50:27Z")
Here I save your life and that’s all you say? _shrugs_ Okay, I’ve lost my touch. _bends to pick up robe_ ---
**Author:** ![Skelji](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/b38774/32.png) [@Skelji](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Skelji)\ **Post date:** [September 12, 2000, 8:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/behold-jester-killer-of-threads/31178/338 "2000-09-12T20:50:36Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Sauron \* > \*\*Welcome, Dire Wolf. (Can I call you DW for short?) \*\* Sure. Just…don’t…call me…_late for dinner_😃 :sheepish grin: Sorry, couldn’t resist. > [@](#): > > 1. Don’t be lulled into a false sense of security by the apparent solidity of Tymp’s codpiece. The only thing between us and Armageddon is a high-tension hinge. So I can come out from under the bed now? That thing was really starting to scare me \ > [@](#): > > 1. struuter is a wonderful, caring person who will make you almost any snack you want. Thanks, I **like** doughnuts!!! Can I have a struuter strumpet strudel, too? > [@](#): > > Plus she gets naked fairly regularly. **I Like Cupcakes!!! Mmmmm…scrump-diddly-icious!** \ Hello. My name is Dire Wolf, and I am a thread killer. It started when I was just a dire pup. I was very young when I was born. My earliest thread killing memories are from the fourth grade…OH NO!!! A FOURTH GRADE MEMORY!!! :running like hell: Whoops! Uh, sorry struuter, I slipped in your puddle… Did I get any on ya? ---
**Author:** ![struuter](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/b9e5f3/32.png) [@struuter](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/struuter)\ **Post date:** [September 12, 2000, 8:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/behold-jester-killer-of-threads/31178/339 "2000-09-12T20:56:25Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Dire Wolf \* > Whoops! Uh, sorry struuter, I slipped in your puddle… > Did I get any on ya? \*\* Not MY puddle, DW. The THREAD’S puddle. And luckily for me, no you didn’t get any on me. Cup cakes, huh? Well, thanks for the…compliment? Well, that’s how I’ll take it. Always the optimist… ---
**Author:** ![Skelji](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/b38774/32.png) [@Skelji](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Skelji)\ **Post date:** [September 12, 2000, 8:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/behold-jester-killer-of-threads/31178/340 "2000-09-12T20:57:32Z")
AAUUGGGHHHHHH! I’ve double posted!!! Oh dear, the pain, the pain… I’m melting!!! Oh, the humanity… [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/behold-jester-killer-of-threads/31178.md?page=16) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/behold-jester-killer-of-threads/31178.md?page=18)