# Being cheated on and not caring - Why? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [May 11, 2004, 7:22am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/being-cheated-on-and-not-caring-why/244592 "2004-05-11T07:22:18Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 10\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![Kel\_Varnsen\_Latex\_Division](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/aeb1de/32.png) [@Kel\_Varnsen\_Latex\_Division](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kel_Varnsen_Latex_Division)\ **Post date:** [May 11, 2004, 7:22am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/being-cheated-on-and-not-caring-why/244592/1 "2004-05-11T07:22:18Z")
Is there anyone here being cheated on who doesn’t care or is unwilling to do anything about it? Why do you put up with this? Is it because you are afraid of your spouse? Do you want to give up the comforts of your relationship (money, house)? Do you just not love your spouse anymore? Some other reason? ---
**Author:** ![matt\_mcl](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/7ab992/32.png) [@matt\_mcl](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/matt_mcl)\ **Post date:** [May 11, 2004, 7:28am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/being-cheated-on-and-not-caring-why/244592/2 "2004-05-11T07:28:16Z")
When I am in a relationship, I render my partner permanently incapable of cheating, by the simple expedient of not requiring him to be monogamous in the first place. I ask only that he show me the same consideration. ---
**Author:** ![Kel\_Varnsen\_Latex\_Division](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/aeb1de/32.png) [@Kel\_Varnsen\_Latex\_Division](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kel_Varnsen_Latex_Division)\ **Post date:** [May 11, 2004, 7:32am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/being-cheated-on-and-not-caring-why/244592/3 "2004-05-11T07:32:16Z")
> [@](#): > > Do you want to give up the comforts of your relationship (money, house)? That should read: Do you **not** want to give up the comforts of your relationship (money, house)? ---
**Author:** ![lee](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/lee/32/7455_2.png) [@lee](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/lee)\ **Post date:** [May 11, 2004, 10:38am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/being-cheated-on-and-not-caring-why/244592/4 "2004-05-11T10:38:26Z")
Define cheating. My husband doesn’t mind me having a girlfriend, but instead welcomed her into our family. Some have said that I am cheating on him, but he doesn’t feel that way. ---
**Author:** ![Dung\_Beetle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/dung_beetle/32/7945_2.png) [@Dung\_Beetle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dung_Beetle)\ **Post date:** [May 11, 2004, 12:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/being-cheated-on-and-not-caring-why/244592/5 "2004-05-11T12:15:31Z")
I was once in a relationship where I allowed it. It was an abusive relationship, and I felt that I was lucky he even let me live with him when so many other girls were prettier and more fun. Also, I didn’t know how to drive and I didn’t have a job, so I didn’t think I could cope on my own. Furthermore, if it kept him away from the house, that was all the better for me. Pathetic, no? :smack: ---
**Author:** ![Saintly\_Loser](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/saintly_loser/32/4045_2.png) [@Saintly\_Loser](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Saintly_Loser)\ **Post date:** [May 11, 2004, 12:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/being-cheated-on-and-not-caring-why/244592/6 "2004-05-11T12:42:30Z")
There’s cheating, and then there’s cheating. I can tolerate the occasional drunken, out-of-town fling with someone who will never be seen again. Not the biggest deal in the world. On the other hand, an ongoing affair, especially when the third party is someone in the couple’s social circle, is difficult and destructive. Just my two cents. ---
**Author:** ![Jinx](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/c6cbf5/32.png) [@Jinx](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Jinx)\ **Post date:** [May 11, 2004, 1:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/being-cheated-on-and-not-caring-why/244592/7 "2004-05-11T13:54:41Z")
Some people have such low self-esteem, it is hard for the rest of us to imagine one volunteering to being treated like dirt. Some simply feel they don’t deserve anything better, and they can’t see it any other way. Even if you try to change their life by introducing them to nicer people, I can only WAG most, if not all, will only gravitate back to a bad situation. I only wish they knew: Be a doormat, and the world will beat a path to your door! - Jinx ---
**Author:** ![AHunter3](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ahunter3/32/368_2.png) [@AHunter3](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AHunter3)\ **Post date:** [May 11, 2004, 6:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/being-cheated-on-and-not-caring-why/244592/8 "2004-05-11T18:53:46Z")
First off, it’s not “cheating” unless you promised the absence of a behavior and then engaged in it anyway. Like **matt\_mcl** , we don’t have any such promise so neither of us can be cheated on, by definition. Aside from nomenclature, though, if your question is functionally equivalent to “Not being bothered if your partner(s) have sex with other folks — why not”?: I like to cook, I like to cook for my girlfriend, but I don’t mind if she eats someone else’s cooking. I’m mildly disappointed if I come home prepared to make something I think she’ll really like and it turns out she met up with a friend and they ate out so she’s not hungry, but it’s not a big deal. Now, having said that…I suppose if she met up with some egotistical chef who not only cooked for her but also pressured her to never eat anyone’s cooking but his, and who also pressured her to move in with him and not hang out with me or other people, and go to concerts with him and dance with him and stay up all night sharing dreams and hopes with him rather than with me, and she took him up on that, well, that _would_ hurt. But I’m not going to prevent that from happening by demanding that she only eat my food. I don’t own her. She continues to spend lots of time with me because it keeps on seeming like a good idea to her, not because I’ve branded her and locked her up in my corral. Now, your turn. What in hell do you accomplish by imposing restrictions on a person you love, and accepting them being imposed on you? Do you really think such promises breed much aside from converting a certain specified range of behavior from “things that people do when the urge strikes them” to “cheating on your partner”? I mean, even if you know from experience that you’ll react with hurt and sadness if your loved one has sex with someone else, I can see explaining that to the other person and trusting that your feelings will receive due consideration, but how do you make the jump from there to imposing it as a rule? How does this rule help? Honestly, doesn’t the rule simply set the stage for far worse feelings, feelings of betrayal and concerns about dishonesty and so forth? I just don’t get it. ---
**Author:** ![CrazyCatLady](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/dfb087/32.png) [@CrazyCatLady](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CrazyCatLady)\ **Post date:** [May 11, 2004, 7:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/being-cheated-on-and-not-caring-why/244592/9 "2004-05-11T19:14:59Z")
I don’t think the OP is referring to open or polyamorous relationships at all. I think, and I may be way off-base, we’re meant to be discussing relationships where there’s an expectation of exclusivity that’s not being met, or when the rules of a poly relationship are being violated, but the injured partner does nothing. I read the question not so much as “why are some people polyamorous?”, but as “why do some people not mind when their partner lies to them and starts changing the rules mid-game?” I can sort of understand the urge toward polyamory (in an academic sort of way, anyhow) although it’s totally foreign to my nature. I’ll _never_ understand the people who are willing to put up with repeated deception and betrayal, though. Not on any level. ---
**Author:** ![yosemite](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/y/3ab097/32.png) [@yosemite](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/yosemite)\ **Post date:** [May 11, 2004, 7:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/being-cheated-on-and-not-caring-why/244592/10 "2004-05-11T19:22:54Z")
> [@CrazyCatLady](#): > > I read the question not so much as “why are some people polyamorous?”, but as “why do some people not mind when their partner lies to them and starts changing the rules mid-game?” I can sort of understand the urge toward polyamory (in an academic sort of way, anyhow) although it’s totally foreign to my nature. I’ll _never_ understand the people who are willing to put up with repeated deception and betrayal, though. Not on any level. I think you’re completely _on_-base here. We’re not talking about polyamorous, where there is no promise of exclusivity. You can’t “cheat” by sleeping with someone else in such a relationship, any more than I can “cheat” on the Post Office simply because I sometimes ship things via UPS. It’s just the way that the arrangement works. What we’re talking about is someone lying and breaking the agreement, and why the person they’re lying to wouldn’t care. That is all.