# Being "Stood Up" for a date... why does it happen?
**URL:** https://boards.straightdope.com/t/being-stood-up-for-a-date-why-does-it-happen/489472
**Category:** In My Humble Opinion
**Created:** [March 15, 2009, 12:27am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/being-stood-up-for-a-date-why-does-it-happen/489472 "2009-03-15T00:27:18Z")
**Posts on this page:** 20
**Page:** 2
### Author:  [@Muffin](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Muffin)
#### Post date: [March 16, 2009, 3:00am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/being-stood-up-for-a-date-why-does-it-happen/489472/21 "2009-03-16T03:00:53Z")
> [@matt\_mcl](#):
>
> I’ve been stood up a fuck of a lot.
When fucking, it helps if your date can get you to stand up.
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### Author:  [@Cyberhwk](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cyberhwk)
#### Post date: [March 16, 2009, 5:56am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/being-stood-up-for-a-date-why-does-it-happen/489472/22 "2009-03-16T05:56:54Z")
Not sure this counts but…
Home during the summer of my Freshman year of college. Met a girl just before leaving and we’d been talking for hours every night through the summer. So she says she’s coming down to see a friend in a nearby town and would stop in so we could see each other. So the day comes around and I get all prepared. Tell parents what’s going on and we’re going to see each other. I get her a little gift whatever.
So after making all the arrangements, she calls and says she can’t come down anymore. So now I have to go back home and explain to the parents I got ditched and she wasn’t coming in to see me. Sure, at least she called, but still fucking embarrassing.
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### Author:  [@Student\_Driver](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Student_Driver)
#### Post date: [March 16, 2009, 11:53am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/being-stood-up-for-a-date-why-does-it-happen/489472/23 "2009-03-16T11:53:33Z")
> [@salinqmind](#):
>
> Wow! Congratulations, Student Driver, I’m proud of you! Seriously. There’s a popular saying, ‘don’t stick your d\*ck in teh crazy’, and you are one of the rare men to actually NOT do it.
Y’get a lot of practice at not doing that when there are so many crazy people to interact with. A few people assume my ex-wife must have been crazy, though, so I may have failed at the task there.
The last girl I dated didn’t quite stand me up, but was incredibly flaky about following through on a commitment for a date. We’d set up a date, then she’d call an hour beforehand with an excuse to cancel. Car broke down, water leak at the apartment, feeling sick, four or five aborted attempts at a first date. I’d have taken the hint and stopped trying to go out with her, but she kept reinitiating the process. We managed to get together finally (though when she arrived at the restaurant, she confessed that she had gotten confused on the interstates and almost called my cell phone to cancel), and she was so happy with that date and excited to continue things that before we parted, she asked me out for the very next night… and then she cancelled _that_ one an hour or so before we were to meet.
A week later, I got a chipper e-mail asking me to come to her house-warming party, as she wanted me to meet her family. Umm… no.
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### Author:  [@jayjay](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/jayjay)
#### Post date: [March 16, 2009, 2:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/being-stood-up-for-a-date-why-does-it-happen/489472/24 "2009-03-16T14:03:46Z")
I was stood up once. For some reason, an older guy I’d known as a friend for a while suddenly found me really attractive at 1AM at the bar. That reason may have had the names Jack and Daniels, but hey…so we agreed to have a date the next week.
I show up at the restaurant. And wait. And wait. And wait. Three times I tell the hostess that no, I’m waiting for someone, I’m sure he’ll be here soon. Then I agree to take a table and wait there, she’ll bring him back when he gets there. An hour later, I order an appetizer while I wait. And then I figure, well, I’m here, might as well eat…wish I’d brought a book.
I go into the bar the next weekend and mention something about the stand-up to the owner, who was a mutual friend with this guy and me. Suddenly the guy in question is avoiding me for three weeks. I was not very happy with him at this point. Finally, he bites the bullet and explains that he was so drunk when we made the date that he completely forgot about it. We’re now acquaintances.
As for why people stand people up, it’s because flakes aren’t just found in cereal boxes…
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### Author:  [@Bluffcityguy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bluffcityguy)
#### Post date: [March 16, 2009, 2:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/being-stood-up-for-a-date-why-does-it-happen/489472/25 "2009-03-16T14:23:37Z")
> [@Student\_Driver](#):
>
> I’ve been stood up a number of times. What’s weird is that they’ve all been women who asked me out in the first place, which always puzzled me. I could kind of understand being stood up if I’d been the one who’d asked them out, but not the other way 'round.
I think the technical term for that is called “getting cold feet”.
To answer the OP, I don’t ever think I’ve out and out stood anyone up, though I’ve gotten cold feet on a couple of occasions, called the woman in question 1-3 hours before the appointed time, canceled on some pretext (sudden illness works well, particularly for dates which have been arranged a week or so in advance), and then just never followed up on honoring the rain check.
Cheers,
bcg
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### Author:  [@Swallowed\_My\_Cellphone](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Swallowed_My_Cellphone)
#### Post date: [March 16, 2009, 2:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/being-stood-up-for-a-date-why-does-it-happen/489472/26 "2009-03-16T14:35:46Z")
> [@Apocalypso](#):
>
> I’ve never stood anyone up. The way I look at it, if you don’t want to go out with someone, say no or break the date. I’d rather have someone cancel on me at the last minute than just not show up at all and leave me hanging. It’s extremely disrespectful and I’d never do it to someone else.
Can I add a “reasonable notice” clause to that? I had a first date with a girl that got cancelled after I’d driven long distance to see her because she “had cramps”. Fair enough. Some women get quite sick during that time of the month, but their was something in her tone of voice and perhaps because it was TMI for someone she was still getting to know, that made me feel like it was a lie.
We did go on a bunch of dates and got along pretty well, although she seemed a little flakey. I invited her to a home-cooked meal, went through great lengths to prepare it, and she called five minutes _after_ she was supposed to arrive to cancel because “she felt like staying in and watching TV”. Okay, fine. You’ve decided you don’t like me after all, or you don’t feel comfortable going to a guy’s house, I get it, that’s okay. But I’d spent _hours_ preparing a cool seafood dish, a mango curry, and a frakkin’ cheesecake, all _from scratch_ and bought a higher-than-usual-budget wine (in full “impress the girl with how suave you are” mode). If she’d even called a half-hour before she was supposed to be there, I wouldn’t have ended up standing in my crappy apartment kitchen that’s now a total mess and wondering what the hell I was going to do with all that food.
Found out from a friend-of-a-friend that she actually did really like me, but she hadn’t actually told her ex-boyfriend that he was an EX-boyfriend, and was still sort of half-dating him for months.
I think I dodged a bullet.
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### Author:  [@Time\_Stranger](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Time_Stranger)
#### Post date: [March 16, 2009, 3:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/being-stood-up-for-a-date-why-does-it-happen/489472/27 "2009-03-16T15:30:11Z")
> [@Incubus](#):
>
> Well, it really sucked one Saturday afternoon when I sat there for 90 minutes waiting for my date to show up, and the waitstaff KNEW I had been stood up because it had been the first time in a year I had arrived sans ladyfriend ☹
This is always to the worst for me, when other people realize what’s going on. In college, an attractive, arty guy who was a regular at my favorite coffee shop asked me out on a date that would start at said cafe. It was really small space, and we both knew all the staff really well, so they knew it was planned.
So on the night of our supposed date, when I ended up bumming at a table alone (had the foresight to bring a book, thank goodness) constantly glancing at the clock, I had to deal with their all-knowing looks. I tried to play it cool like I was just reading and sipping yuppie drinks, but they knew. It was so embarrassing. After an hour I called him on his cellphone to ask what the deal was, and he said he had ballroom dance practice and couldn’t do anything that night. He sounded genuinely annoyed with me that I had bothered him. It was bizarre.
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### Author:  [@msmith537](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/msmith537)
#### Post date: [March 16, 2009, 5:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/being-stood-up-for-a-date-why-does-it-happen/489472/28 "2009-03-16T17:51:40Z")
> [@Time\_Stranger](#):
>
> This is always to the worst for me, when other people realize what’s going on. In college, an \*\*attractive, arty guy \*\*who was a **regular at my favorite coffee shop** asked me out on a date that would start at said cafe. It was really small space, and we both knew all the staff really well, so they knew it was planned.
>
> …It was so embarrassing. After an hour I called him on his cellphone to ask what the deal was, and\*\* he said he had ballroom dance practice and couldn’t do anything that night\*\*. He sounded genuinely annoyed with me that I had bothered him. It was bizarre.
In your case, it sounds like the problem is you were waiting for a date with a gay dude.
The only time I was ever “stood up” for a date was when I was dating this girl from work in my 20s. She got stuck at work (not atypical) and it was before cell phones were in common use (I mostly kept my giant Motorola Star-Tac in my glove compartment) so she had no way to reach me. I, of course, waited no more than 15-20 minutes because after that you just look like a pathetic chump. And I think she actually showed up a bit later but figured I probably left by then. We went on other dates after that so it was more of a logistics issue than any sort of flakiness or intentional jerkiness.
Oh and one time I lost track of time and forgot to meet my girlfriend because a James Bond marathon was on.
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### Author:  [@Typo\_Negative](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Typo_Negative)
#### Post date: [March 16, 2009, 7:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/being-stood-up-for-a-date-why-does-it-happen/489472/29 "2009-03-16T19:03:07Z")
I have been stood up once. It was 20 years ago, with a girl I had seen several times.
I would never stand someone up.
IMO, if someone is unable to to meet you at the agreed upon time and place, it is \*up to them \* to contact you afterward. If they do not, assume that had no interest in seeing you and consider them cowardly for not being able to tell you.
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### Author:  [@InappropriateHumor](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/InappropriateHumor)
#### Post date: [March 16, 2009, 7:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/being-stood-up-for-a-date-why-does-it-happen/489472/30 "2009-03-16T19:44:37Z")
Heh, it’s been so long since I dated I’m hearkening back to the '80’s.
I had a date with a much-sought-after guy on a Saturday night, scheduled for 7:00. He was supposed to pick me up for dinner and a movie. I gave it up at 8:30 and my sister and I sat down to watch some movies at home. At about 11:00 this guy shows up, so loaded he could barely stand, with what appeared to be a gigantic loogie stuck to the lapel of his leather bomber, insisting that I go out. After we determined he had a (more) sober friend as a driver, we had to force him out the door. It took some doin’.
I found out through the grapevine, within the last year, that it was the quaaludes talkin’. I’m glad to have given that one a miss.
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### Author:  [@VinylTurnip](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/VinylTurnip)
#### Post date: [March 16, 2009, 9:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/being-stood-up-for-a-date-why-does-it-happen/489472/31 "2009-03-16T21:01:40Z")
> [@salinqmind](#):
>
> At 8 p.m. on the dot, this pathetic… creature with a red necktie walked in. I took one horrified look at what could only (of course!) be my blind date, gasped, and fled. I tucked my long blond tell-tale hair into the back of my coat, lowered my head, and barrelled out of the joint like it was on fire. I simply could not go through with what would be a waste of my time, and his.
I just feel bad for you. You missed out on a lifetime supply of gourmet popping corn.
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### Author:  [@Spectre\_of\_Pithecanthropus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Spectre_of_Pithecanthropus)
#### Post date: [March 16, 2009, 11:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/being-stood-up-for-a-date-why-does-it-happen/489472/32 "2009-03-16T23:52:01Z")
Does an acknowledged cancellation count, delivered a few minutes after you were supposed to meet? She canceled over a box-office telephone, passed to me through the little hole where you give the ticket seller your money. Ouch!
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### Author:  [@MannyL](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MannyL)
#### Post date: [March 17, 2009, 12:19am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/being-stood-up-for-a-date-why-does-it-happen/489472/33 "2009-03-17T00:19:26Z")
2 quick examples
1. Before the days of cell phones for the masses, I was supposed to meet this woman in the lobby of the library down town. We never met in person or exchanged pictures but talked over the phone. (We met on a personal ad)
I see someone who looks like she described herself as. I approached her and asked if she was so-and-so. She says No. I took a quarter out and called her pager number and what do you know there was beeping from this stranger. I turned and left
1. I was supposed to meet this woman at her job and then go out to eat. (again from a personal) She asked me not to go into her job but to wait in the lot. I did for a half hour past her shift end. Then I went in side and asked if so-and-so was still there. I was told she left already and of course I never heard back from her.
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### Author:  [@Cat\_Fight](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cat_Fight)
#### Post date: [March 17, 2009, 4:10am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/being-stood-up-for-a-date-why-does-it-happen/489472/34 "2009-03-17T04:10:42Z")
I’ve never been stood up by a suitor, but I do have a bad habit of showing up places 20-30 minutes early, so I’ve definitely gotten some free sympathy drinks from kind bartenders and waiters.
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### Author:  [@Bluffcityguy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bluffcityguy)
#### Post date: [March 17, 2009, 12:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/being-stood-up-for-a-date-why-does-it-happen/489472/35 "2009-03-17T12:05:53Z")
> [@MannyL](#):
>
> 2 quick examples
>
> 1. Before the days of cell phones for the masses, I was supposed to meet this woman in the lobby of the library down town. We never met in person or exchanged pictures but talked over the phone. (We met on a personal ad)
>
> I see someone who looks like she described herself as. I approached her and asked if she was so-and-so. She says No. I took a quarter out and called her pager number and what do you know there was beeping from this stranger. I turned and left
Ouch!
I’m surprised that, after you asked if she was your “blind date”, she didn’t just blow out of there in a hurry. Unless she’d set up several meetings and was hanging around to see if any of the other guys tripped her trigger.
Cheers,
bcg
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### Author:  [@Bluffcityguy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bluffcityguy)
#### Post date: [March 17, 2009, 12:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/being-stood-up-for-a-date-why-does-it-happen/489472/36 "2009-03-17T12:08:06Z")
> [@Cat\_Fight](#):
>
> I’ve never been stood up by a suitor, but I do have a bad habit of showing up places 20-30 minutes early, so I’ve definitely gotten some free sympathy drinks from kind bartenders and waiters.
Nice scam there.
😉
Cheers,
bcg (who’s just jealous he’s never thought of that…)
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### Author:  [@Swallowed\_My\_Cellphone](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Swallowed_My_Cellphone)
#### Post date: [March 17, 2009, 3:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/being-stood-up-for-a-date-why-does-it-happen/489472/37 "2009-03-17T15:08:59Z")
> [@MannyL](#):
>
> I see someone who looks like she described herself as. I approached her and asked if she was so-and-so. She says No. I took a quarter out and called her pager number and what do you know there was beeping from this stranger. I turned and left
That would be a beautiful scene in a movie.
And of course, before the credits rolled, you would end up with the much hotter girl who had a crush on you all along.
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### Author:  [@PotLuck](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/PotLuck)
#### Post date: [March 17, 2009, 4:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/being-stood-up-for-a-date-why-does-it-happen/489472/38 "2009-03-17T16:20:03Z")
After sitting in a Mexican restaurant for half an hour I called my date at his home to discover that he’d changed his mind about meeting me for dinner but knew I’d be angry if he cancelled, so he decided to just not show up. I expressed my irritation and went home. He showed up at my door later that evening with flowers and an apology card and I forgave him. Two weeks later he did it again and this time I had the good sense to DTMFA.
I’ve never stood someone up.
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### Author:  [@VinylTurnip](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/VinylTurnip)
#### Post date: [March 17, 2009, 4:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/being-stood-up-for-a-date-why-does-it-happen/489472/39 "2009-03-17T16:34:21Z")
Not being particularly mathematically inclined, I’m not sure why I assumed “DTMFA” to be an acronym for “Do The Math For Archimedes” until I looked it up.
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### Author:  [@furt](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/furt)
#### Post date: [March 17, 2009, 5:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/being-stood-up-for-a-date-why-does-it-happen/489472/40 "2009-03-17T17:10:55Z")
> [@Spectre\_of\_Pithecanthropus](#):
>
> Does an acknowledged cancellation count, delivered a few minutes after you were supposed to meet?
Yes.
2 weeks ago, someone cancelled a date with me an hour before the meeting, via text message. Lame.
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