# Best actual jokes told in movies. **URL:** \ **Category:** Cafe Society\ **Created:** [July 5, 2007, 12:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-actual-jokes-told-in-movies/410585 "2007-07-05T12:50:50Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![don\_t\_ask](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e68b1a/32.png) [@don\_t\_ask](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/don_t_ask)\ **Post date:** [July 5, 2007, 12:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-actual-jokes-told-in-movies/410585/1 "2007-07-05T12:50:50Z")
In a thread earlier today I mentioned my favourite legal movie Sidney Lumet’s _The Verdict_ starring Paul Newman (how did Ben Kingsley beat him for the Oscar?) as broken down lawyer Frank Galvin. In one scene he is telling a joke in a bar and off the top of my head it is the only joke told by a character that I ever laughed at: **Frank Galvin** : So Pat says, he says, "They got this new bar… and you go inside and for half a buck you get a beer, a free lunch and they take you in the back room - they get you laid… Mike says, “Now wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute. Do you mean to say there’s a new bar and you go inside and for a half a buck they give you a beer, a free lunch and they take you in the back room and they get you laid?” Pat says, “That’s right.” “Have you ever been in the bar?” And he says, “No, but me sister has.” Surely there are others?? ---
**Author:** ![Mangetout](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/mangetout/32/19_2.png) [@Mangetout](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mangetout)\ **Post date:** [July 5, 2007, 12:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-actual-jokes-told-in-movies/410585/2 "2007-07-05T12:54:50Z")
The aristocrats! ---
**Author:** ![don\_t\_ask](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e68b1a/32.png) [@don\_t\_ask](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/don_t_ask)\ **Post date:** [July 5, 2007, 1:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-actual-jokes-told-in-movies/410585/3 "2007-07-05T13:05:48Z")
[QUOTE=Mangetout] The aristocrats! [/QUOTE] Could only happen at SDMB. Genius. ---
**Author:** ![Wee\_Bairn](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/90db22/32.png) [@Wee\_Bairn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Wee_Bairn)\ **Post date:** [July 5, 2007, 1:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-actual-jokes-told-in-movies/410585/4 "2007-07-05T13:07:05Z")
[QUOTE=Mangetout] The aristocrats! [/QUOTE] Specifically, Martin Mull’s version. ---
**Author:** ![Spoke](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/a88e57/32.png) [@Spoke](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Spoke)\ **Post date:** [July 5, 2007, 1:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-actual-jokes-told-in-movies/410585/5 "2007-07-05T13:11:34Z")
From **Sling Blade** : Two fellas are pissing off a bridge, one fella from California and the other from Arkansas. Boy from California says, “This water sure is cold!” Boy from Arkansas says “Yeah, and _deep_, too!” ---
**Author:** ![Ferd\_Burfel](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/ecccb3/32.png) [@Ferd\_Burfel](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ferd_Burfel)\ **Post date:** [July 5, 2007, 2:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-actual-jokes-told-in-movies/410585/6 "2007-07-05T14:37:19Z")
**Meatballs** Tripper: Did you hear about the \ terrorist they sent out to blow up a car? Rudy: (stares blankly) Tripper: Tragic. He burned his lips on the tailpipe. ---
**Author:** ![Zeldar](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/z/b77776/32.png) [@Zeldar](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Zeldar)\ **Post date:** [July 5, 2007, 2:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-actual-jokes-told-in-movies/410585/7 "2007-07-05T14:43:41Z")
I have to mention “the penguin joke” in _A Prairie Home Companion_ not so much as a great joke as such but at the audacity of Keillor and Altman for including it since it’s been a running gag on the radio show for years or longer. It’s not even funny, but that’s the point. ---
**Author:** ![Max\_Torque](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/e9bcb4/32.png) [@Max\_Torque](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Max_Torque)\ **Post date:** [July 5, 2007, 2:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-actual-jokes-told-in-movies/410585/8 "2007-07-05T14:46:03Z")
From **Hot Shots** : What do you do with an elephant with three balls? Walk him and pitch to the rhino. ---
**Author:** ![Hamadryad](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/6de8d8/32.png) [@Hamadryad](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Hamadryad)\ **Post date:** [July 5, 2007, 2:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-actual-jokes-told-in-movies/410585/9 "2007-07-05T14:47:35Z")
[QUOTE=don’t ask] Could only happen at SDMB. Genius. [/QUOTE] Happens almost every day in [Fark.com](http://Fark.com) headlines, but if you wanna call them genuises too that’s your right. If you count Eddie Murphy’s “Delerious,”\* he told the straight-up joke: > [@](#): > > A bear and a rabbit are taking a shit in the woods. The bear asks the rabbit, “Do you every have problems with shit sticking to your fur?” The rabbit says, “No.” So the bear wipes his ass with the rabbit. I still tell this one and it still gets a laugh. Especially from 12-year-old boys. (My kid.) \*As it was a film of a comedy concert I understand excluding it, but this is the only actual _joke_ I think he told. ---
**Author:** ![Left\_Hand\_of\_Dorkness](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/left_hand_of_dorkness/32/7156_2.png) [@Left\_Hand\_of\_Dorkness](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Left_Hand_of_Dorkness)\ **Post date:** [July 5, 2007, 2:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-actual-jokes-told-in-movies/410585/10 "2007-07-05T14:56:58Z")
Tarantino has a cameo in _Desperado_ where he tells a joke about a guy walking into a bar. I forget the exact joke–maybe the one about pissing all over the bar? Daniel ---
**Author:** ![sqweels](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/f19dbf/32.png) [@sqweels](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/sqweels)\ **Post date:** [July 5, 2007, 3:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-actual-jokes-told-in-movies/410585/11 "2007-07-05T15:22:34Z")
[QUOTE=Left Hand of Dorkness] Tarantino has a cameo in _Desperado_ where he tells a joke about a guy walking into a bar. I forget the exact joke–maybe the one about pissing all over the bar? [/QUOTE] Something like, he bet the bartender he could piss into a glass from across the room, but instead pissed all over the bar. The barender wins the bet, but he had bet another guy that he could piss all over the bar and the bartender would be happy about it. ---
**Author:** ![Left\_Hand\_of\_Dorkness](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/left_hand_of_dorkness/32/7156_2.png) [@Left\_Hand\_of\_Dorkness](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Left_Hand_of_Dorkness)\ **Post date:** [July 5, 2007, 3:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-actual-jokes-told-in-movies/410585/12 "2007-07-05T15:24:17Z")
[QUOTE=sqweels] Something like, he bet the bartender he could piss into a glass from across the room, but instead pissed all over the bar. The barender wins the bet, but he had bet another guy that he could piss all over the bar and the bartender would be happy about it. [/QUOTE] Cool, that’s what I thought, but I couldn’t remember if that was the joke or another “guy walks into a bar” joke. Daniel ---
**Author:** ![Yllaria](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/yllaria/32/3452_2.png) [@Yllaria](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Yllaria)\ **Post date:** [July 5, 2007, 4:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-actual-jokes-told-in-movies/410585/13 "2007-07-05T16:11:29Z")
In The Last Boy Scout, the hand puppet told the joke. I wish I could remember the name of the bad guy forcing Bruce Willis to play the hand puppet for the little girl, at gunpoint, but let’s call him X. “Why did X cross the road? 'Cause he got his dick stuck in the chicken.” Now, I was embarrassed to be laughing at that in front of my kids, but they turned around and said, “Mom, haven’t you heard that one before?” Kids. ---
**Author:** ![OneCentStamp](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/13edae/32.png) [@OneCentStamp](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/OneCentStamp)\ **Post date:** [July 5, 2007, 4:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-actual-jokes-told-in-movies/410585/14 "2007-07-05T16:24:25Z")
[QUOTE=Yllaria] In The Last Boy Scout, the hand puppet told the joke. I wish I could remember the name of the bad guy forcing Bruce Willis to play the hand puppet for the little girl, at gunpoint, but let’s call him X. “Why did X cross the road? 'Cause he got his dick stuck in the chicken.” Now, I was embarrassed to be laughing at that in front of my kids, but they turned around and said, “Mom, haven’t you heard that one before?” Kids. [/QUOTE] Milo, referred to as “Mr. Milo” by Furry Tom. ---
**Author:** ![Gary\_Robson](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/gary_robson/32/3448_2.png) [@Gary\_Robson](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Gary_Robson)\ **Post date:** [July 5, 2007, 4:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-actual-jokes-told-in-movies/410585/15 "2007-07-05T16:31:19Z")
[QUOTE=Hamadryad] A bear and a rabbit are taking a shit in the woods. The bear asks the rabbit, “Do you every have problems with shit sticking to your fur?” The rabbit says, “No.” So the bear wipes his ass with the rabbit. [/QUOTE] Shouldn’t the rabbit’s answer be “yes”? Otherwise the joke makes no sense. ---
**Author:** ![dysonsphere](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/439d5e/32.png) [@dysonsphere](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/dysonsphere)\ **Post date:** [July 5, 2007, 4:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-actual-jokes-told-in-movies/410585/16 "2007-07-05T16:36:15Z")
Mia: Vincent, do you still want to hear my Fox Force Five joke? Vincent: Sure, but I think I’m still a little too petrified to laugh. Mia: No, you wont laugh, 'cus it’s not funny. But if you still wanna hear it, I’ll tell it. Vincent: I can’t wait. Mia: Three tomatoes are walking down the street- a poppa tomato, a momma tomato, and a little baby tomato. Baby tomato starts lagging behind. Poppa tomato gets angry, goes over to the baby tomato, and smooshes him… and says, Catch up. From IMDB. ---
**Author:** ![OneCentStamp](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/13edae/32.png) [@OneCentStamp](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/OneCentStamp)\ **Post date:** [July 5, 2007, 4:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-actual-jokes-told-in-movies/410585/17 "2007-07-05T16:43:31Z")
The joke Minnie Driver tells in the bar in _Good Will Hunting_ is funny, if a bit gross. Rather than retell the whole thing here, I’ll just refresh memories with the punch line: Give us a kiss! ---
**Author:** ![T\_SQUARE](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/9de053/32.png) [@T\_SQUARE](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/T_SQUARE)\ **Post date:** [July 5, 2007, 4:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-actual-jokes-told-in-movies/410585/18 "2007-07-05T16:43:45Z")
[QUOTE=Left Hand of Dorkness] Tarantino has a cameo in _Desperado_ where he tells a joke about a guy walking into a bar. I forget the exact joke–maybe the one about pissing all over the bar? Daniel [/QUOTE] That’s what I came in to say. The way Tarantino overtells the joke is great. ---
**Author:** ![IvoryTowerDenizen](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ivorytowerdenizen/32/17937_2.png) [@IvoryTowerDenizen](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/IvoryTowerDenizen)\ **Post date:** [July 5, 2007, 4:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-actual-jokes-told-in-movies/410585/19 "2007-07-05T16:47:10Z")
[QUOTE=InvisibleWombat] Shouldn’t the rabbit’s answer be “yes”? Otherwise the joke makes no sense. [/QUOTE] The rabbit has “no problems” with it- in other words, the rabbit doesn’t mind having shit all over his fur. Or another- shit doesn’t stick to his fur, so why not use him as TP. (Maybe you could explain to me the OP’s joke- I’m missing somethong here.) ---
**Author:** ![Spavined\_Gelding](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/958977/32.png) [@Spavined\_Gelding](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Spavined_Gelding)\ **Post date:** [July 5, 2007, 4:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-actual-jokes-told-in-movies/410585/20 "2007-07-05T16:56:28Z")
In addition to the “Penguin Joke,” the Prairie Home Companion Movie has Lefty and Dusty ( John C. Riley and Woody Harrelson) doing the bad jokes song for five or eight minutes – My favorite is the elephant and the naked man bit where the elephant says, “That’s cute , but how do you breath through it?" [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-actual-jokes-told-in-movies/410585.md?page=2)