# Best body armor to wear to a Man vs. Chimp pit fight? **URL:** \ **Category:** Factual Questions\ **Created:** [July 8, 2012, 5:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-body-armor-to-wear-to-a-man-vs-chimp-pit-fight/627607 "2012-07-08T17:00:25Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 17\ **Page:** 3
**Author:** ![John\_Bredin](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/96bed5/32.png) [@John\_Bredin](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/John_Bredin)\ **Post date:** [July 9, 2012, 9:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-body-armor-to-wear-to-a-man-vs-chimp-pit-fight/627607/41 "2012-07-09T21:02:27Z")
Well, if it wasn’t for the “enclosed arena” proviso in the OP, I would have suggested that the best armor is several miles of air. 😃 It’s off-the-shelf – heck, it’s on every store shelf in the world. 🆒 ---
**Author:** ![Push\_You\_Down](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/push_you_down/32/9095_2.png) [@Push\_You\_Down](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Push_You_Down)\ **Post date:** [July 9, 2012, 9:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-body-armor-to-wear-to-a-man-vs-chimp-pit-fight/627607/42 "2012-07-09T21:32:14Z")
I am just now realizing that you could apply almost all of this discussion to “What kind of armor would you need for a Man vs. fast Zombie fight?” ---
**Author:** ![TriPolar](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/tripolar/32/3008_2.png) [@TriPolar](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TriPolar)\ **Post date:** [July 9, 2012, 10:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-body-armor-to-wear-to-a-man-vs-chimp-pit-fight/627607/43 "2012-07-09T22:10:00Z")
Articulated plate armor is winning the day. The only problem would be lack of general availability. Being that it’s custom made, a suit of armor made from carbon fiber/kevlar composite will be the answer. It can match the strength of the steel with much less weight. It would have to be a little bulkier all around to get the strength, but plate armor is pretty bulky already. You’d probably still want steel gauntets and helmet as weapons, and to make sure the monkey hurts himself going for your head. Winning this fight is near impossible unless you’ve had substantial training in the suit. Otherwise you will wear out before the monkey does, he’ll defile your prone armor clad body, and walk out to the cheers of his fellow simians. ---
**Author:** ![notsoheavyd3](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/85e7bf/32.png) [@notsoheavyd3](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/notsoheavyd3)\ **Post date:** [July 9, 2012, 10:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-body-armor-to-wear-to-a-man-vs-chimp-pit-fight/627607/44 "2012-07-09T22:20:46Z")
> [@Martin\_Hyde](#): > > What’s all this talk about chimps “ripping arms off”? It’s one thing to bite a face off, gouge eyes out, tear ears off, bite a hand so bad it has to be amputated or rip testicles/penis off, but ripping a homo sapiens arm clean out using nothing but pull strength is something I’d like to see a cite for before just accepting that it happens. > > Plus, chimps aren’t trained at wrestling humans, if you went down in the suit of armor and kept your arms close in, I don’t know that they’d just natural know to try and pull them out to get a better grip. Nor do I think they’d just naturally know if they pulled off the strange metal helmet they would get to the soft flesh of the face. Oh it’s based on a very old and probably inaccurate study that everyone quotes about how chimps are 8-10 times stronger than a man of the same size.(I think it was done in the 20’s) If I remember right a more recent and more scientific study put the actual strength difference as twice as strong as a normal human of the same weight. (Which apparently is weaker than a trained athlete.) Of course like you say, the big thing is they’ve got big sharp teeth and won’t hesitate to use them to bite off fingers, eyes, ears, and testicles/penis. (Oh and a male is on the order of 150-180 lbs so imagine how much damage a person with twice the strength and none of the restraint.) I mean all I’ve heard from all the chimp attacks support this point of view. (Since that old lady even had her hands bitten off but but didn’t have her arms ripped off.) I think we’re in agreement though. Have armor that prevents him from using his teeth and that he can’t get off you easily. Probably the best bet is for it to include gauntlets with spikes on it so when you punch it you are effectively stabbing it. A few good shots to the ribs to create a sucking chest wound and he should be in deep trouble when he can’t breathe. ---
**Author:** ![bengangmo](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/50afbb/32.png) [@bengangmo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/bengangmo)\ **Post date:** [July 10, 2012, 3:29am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-body-armor-to-wear-to-a-man-vs-chimp-pit-fight/627607/45 "2012-07-10T03:29:30Z")
> [@Martin\_Hyde](#): > > What’s all this talk about chimps “ripping arms off”? It’s one thing to bite a face off, gouge eyes out, tear ears off, bite a hand so bad it has to be amputated or rip testicles/penis off, but ripping a homo sapiens arm clean out using nothing but pull strength is something I’d like to see a cite for before just accepting that it happens. > > Plus, chimps aren’t trained at wrestling humans, if you went down in the suit of armor and kept your arms close in, I don’t know that they’d just natural know to try and pull them out to get a better grip. Nor do I think they’d just naturally know if they pulled off the strange metal helmet they would get to the soft flesh of the face. He doesn’t have to rip the arm / leg / whatever off though - he only needs to bend or pull it far enough to damage it so that it can’t be used anymore. I don’t think it’s so hard to imagine enough pull strength to damage an arm beyone usefulness. And given how good they are with tools, I think your simian opponent will be smart enough to work out that he has to get your armour off to get to the squishy bits. ---
**Author:** ![robardin](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/43a26b/32.png) [@robardin](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/robardin)\ **Post date:** [July 10, 2012, 12:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-body-armor-to-wear-to-a-man-vs-chimp-pit-fight/627607/46 "2012-07-10T12:49:55Z")
> [@Lukeinva](#): > > Memo to self: never give cake to a Chimp. I really shouldn’t make light of a horribly tragic event, but… The takeaway here is clearly this: when bringing cake to a chimp compound, BRING ENOUGH FOR EVERYONE. ---
**Author:** ![bucketybuck](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/898d66/32.png) [@bucketybuck](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/bucketybuck)\ **Post date:** [July 10, 2012, 3:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-body-armor-to-wear-to-a-man-vs-chimp-pit-fight/627607/47 "2012-07-10T15:11:32Z")
> [@Push\_You\_Down](#): > > I am just now realizing that you could apply almost all of this discussion to “What kind of armor would you need for a Man vs. fast Zombie fight?” So, who would win between one hundred fast zombies and one hundred chimps? The chimps would rip them apart, right? ---
**Author:** ![Kinthalis](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kinthalis/32/16084_2.png) [@Kinthalis](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kinthalis)\ **Post date:** [July 10, 2012, 3:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-body-armor-to-wear-to-a-man-vs-chimp-pit-fight/627607/48 "2012-07-10T15:52:03Z")
> [@bucketybuck](#): > > So, who would win between one hundred fast zombies and one hundred chimps? > > The chimps would rip them apart, right? Well yes and no. The chimps would tear the zombies apart yes, but then they would turn into chimp zombies after feasting on tainted zombie blood. ---
**Author:** ![Inigo\_Montoya](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/inigo_montoya/32/124_2.png) [@Inigo\_Montoya](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Inigo_Montoya)\ **Post date:** [July 10, 2012, 4:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-body-armor-to-wear-to-a-man-vs-chimp-pit-fight/627607/49 "2012-07-10T16:57:59Z")
I’m going with nature’s own body armor. It’s free, lightweight and highly available. I am of course referring to 3 miles of air. Granted, the soles of my feet would be vulnerable, but the little bastard would have to tunnel like crazy to get at 'em. ---
**Author:** ![drachillix](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/48db29/32.png) [@drachillix](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/drachillix)\ **Post date:** [July 10, 2012, 7:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-body-armor-to-wear-to-a-man-vs-chimp-pit-fight/627607/50 "2012-07-10T19:07:23Z")
> [@TriPolar](#): > > Articulated plate armor is winning the day. The only problem would be lack of general availability. Being that it’s custom made, a suit of armor made from carbon fiber/kevlar composite will be the answer. It can match the strength of the steel with much less weight. It would have to be a little bulkier all around to get the strength, but plate armor is pretty bulky already. You’d probably still want steel gauntets and helmet as weapons, and to make sure the monkey hurts himself going for your head. Winning this fight is near impossible unless you’ve had substantial training in the suit. Otherwise you will wear out before the monkey does, he’ll defile your prone armor clad body, and walk out to the cheers of his fellow simians. Honestly you can make decent articulated plate armor from plastic barrels, no trick high tech composites or elaborate tools needed. > **[Catalog](http://darkvictory.com/html/catalog.html)** As far as training, not really, decent armor is just something you wear. You will tire more easily due to the added load but thats going to be trivial against the exertion of a real fight or flight situation. ---
**Author:** ![Evil\_Economist](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/c89c15/32.png) [@Evil\_Economist](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Evil_Economist)\ **Post date:** [July 10, 2012, 8:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-body-armor-to-wear-to-a-man-vs-chimp-pit-fight/627607/51 "2012-07-10T20:43:25Z")
> [@Projammer](#): > > If we’re limited to pretty much what can be ordered off the shelf and delivered in a week or so I’m going to have to go with a [bomb suit](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bombsuit) or [atmospheric diving suit](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Atmospheric_diving_suit). > > Sure, that’s going to limit my offence to waiting for it to get into a position where I can go for a bear hug and fall over on it, eventually having enough weight on its chest to suffocate it, but I imagine I’ll live to tell about it. That atmospheric diving suit weighs over 1,000 pounds. I’m not sure you could even get the thing to fall over if you were inside it. ---
**Author:** ![Projammer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/projammer/32/559_2.png) [@Projammer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Projammer)\ **Post date:** [July 12, 2012, 2:34am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-body-armor-to-wear-to-a-man-vs-chimp-pit-fight/627607/52 "2012-07-12T02:34:35Z")
> [@Evil\_Economist](#): > > That atmospheric diving suit weighs over 1,000 pounds. I’m not sure you could even get the thing to fall over if you were inside it. The devil is in the details. I missed that part. Sign me up for one bomb suit. ---
**Author:** ![Reply](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/reply/32/15952_2.png) [@Reply](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Reply)\ **Post date:** [July 12, 2012, 3:35am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-body-armor-to-wear-to-a-man-vs-chimp-pit-fight/627607/53 "2012-07-12T03:35:07Z")
Sheesh, a year later that thread is still provoking thoughts, and now body armor? Are our furry, terrifying forest friends plotting something I should know about? I’m concerned. ---
**Author:** ![Rampant\_Coypu](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/439d5e/32.png) [@Rampant\_Coypu](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rampant_Coypu)\ **Post date:** [July 12, 2012, 4:07am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-body-armor-to-wear-to-a-man-vs-chimp-pit-fight/627607/54 "2012-07-12T04:07:17Z")
Wear a motorcycle helmet and some kind of crotch armor. Practice throwing punches and kicks wearing this armor. Chimps go for the crotch and face, they got no other moves. You will beat the chimp. ---
**Author:** ![TriPolar](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/tripolar/32/3008_2.png) [@TriPolar](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TriPolar)\ **Post date:** [July 12, 2012, 4:09am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-body-armor-to-wear-to-a-man-vs-chimp-pit-fight/627607/55 "2012-07-12T04:09:42Z")
> [@Rampant\_Coypu](#): > > Wear a motorcycle helmet and some kind of crotch armor. Practice throwing punches and kicks wearing this armor. Chimps go for the crotch and face, they got no other moves. You will beat the chimp. Will those punches be thrown before or after the chimp bites your fingers off? ---
**Author:** ![Inigo\_Montoya](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/inigo_montoya/32/124_2.png) [@Inigo\_Montoya](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Inigo_Montoya)\ **Post date:** [July 12, 2012, 12:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-body-armor-to-wear-to-a-man-vs-chimp-pit-fight/627607/56 "2012-07-12T12:53:51Z")
> [@TriPolar](#): > > Will those punches be thrown before or after the chimp bites your fingers off? A hand with no finger is still fist-shaped. Kinda. ---
**Author:** ![Rachellelogram](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/rachellelogram/32/8689_2.png) [@Rachellelogram](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rachellelogram)\ **Post date:** [July 13, 2012, 8:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-body-armor-to-wear-to-a-man-vs-chimp-pit-fight/627607/57 "2012-07-13T20:55:20Z")
Pray your hands can move quickly enough to break its neck at the beginning. No armor needed! [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-body-armor-to-wear-to-a-man-vs-chimp-pit-fight/627607.md?page=2)