# Best Churchill Insult **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [April 5, 2013, 6:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-churchill-insult/654937 "2013-04-05T18:10:14Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![Gangster\_Octopus](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/a8b319/32.png) [@Gangster\_Octopus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Gangster_Octopus)\ **Post date:** [April 5, 2013, 6:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-churchill-insult/654937/1 "2013-04-05T18:10:14Z")
The candidates: **George Bernard Shaw** : Have reserved two tickets for opening night, Bring a friend, if you have one. **Churchill** : Impossible to come to first night. Will come to second night, if you have one. **Lady Astor** : Winston, if you were my husband, I’d put poison in your coffee. **Churchill** : Nancy, if you were my wife I’d drink it. **A Member of Parliament** : Mr. Churchill, must you fall asleep while I’m speaking. **Churchill** : No, it’s purely voluntary. **Bessie Bradock** : Winston, you are drunk! **Churchill** : That’s right, Bessie. But tomorrow morning I’lll be sober. And you will still be ugly. ---
**Author:** ![Gangster\_Octopus](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/a8b319/32.png) [@Gangster\_Octopus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Gangster_Octopus)\ **Post date:** [April 5, 2013, 6:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-churchill-insult/654937/2 "2013-04-05T18:13:32Z")
There is also an exchange about haggling with a woman over what he could pay to sleep with her, but it has also been attributed to several other people, so I have not included it. ---
**Author:** ![etv78](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/d78d45/32.png) [@etv78](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/etv78)\ **Post date:** [April 5, 2013, 6:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-churchill-insult/654937/3 "2013-04-05T18:17:50Z")
Voted Astor, but the Bradock quote was the 1st to come to mind. (IOW-wanted to vote for 2) ---
**Author:** ![Munch](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/munch/32/5281_2.png) [@Munch](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Munch)\ **Post date:** [April 5, 2013, 6:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-churchill-insult/654937/4 "2013-04-05T18:25:47Z")
The Bradock insult isn’t as clever - it’s something I’m sure he’d thought of before. But the rest were all quick retorts in response to receiving an insult. A great insulting comeback is always better than a great insult. ---
**Author:** ![Senegoid](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/senegoid/32/6606_2.png) [@Senegoid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Senegoid)\ **Post date:** [April 5, 2013, 6:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-churchill-insult/654937/5 "2013-04-05T18:28:24Z")
> [@Gangster\_Octopus](#): > > **Bessie Bradock** : Winston, you are drunk! > **Churchill** : That’s right, Bessie. But tomorrow morning I’lll be sober. And you will still be ugly. Roger Ebert must have been well-read about Churchill. All the Ebert obits yesterday and today (e.g., [this one](http://movies.yahoo.com/blogs/movie-talk/brown-bunny-look-back-roger-ebert-infamous-pan-223820185.html)) have been quoting a very similar thing he said, after having dissed Vincent Gallo’s film _Brown Bunny._ > [@](#): > > Gallo fought back, insulting Ebert for being overweight and even, strangely, put a curse on his colon. > > Ebert adeptly responded, “It is true that I am fat, but one day I will be thin, and he will still be the director of ‘The Brown Bunny.’” ---
**Author:** ![Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/prof.pepperwinkle/32/13627_2.png) [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Prof.Pepperwinkle)\ **Post date:** [April 5, 2013, 6:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-churchill-insult/654937/6 "2013-04-05T18:30:37Z")
Not an insult, and probably apocryphal, but… At one point the Prime Minister was introduced at a function by a member of the rival party. The member ended his introduction by marking the wall behind him just above his head, and stating: “If all the liquor Mr. Churchill has consumed over the years were poured into this room, it would reach this high.” Winston walked up. Looked at the mark, then the ceiling, and said: “So little time. So much to do.” ---
**Author:** ![Amateur\_Barbarian](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/59ef9b/32.png) [@Amateur\_Barbarian](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Amateur_Barbarian)\ **Post date:** [April 5, 2013, 6:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-churchill-insult/654937/7 "2013-04-05T18:36:44Z")
The young Churchill wore a daringly fashionable mustache. A society matron (not Astor, AFAIK) took exception at a (liberal) political comment and snapped, “Young man, I care for neither your politics nor your mustache!” “Madame,” he replied, “you are unlikely to come in contact with either.” ---
**Author:** ![Munch](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/munch/32/5281_2.png) [@Munch](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Munch)\ **Post date:** [April 5, 2013, 7:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-churchill-insult/654937/8 "2013-04-05T19:21:18Z")
> [@NitroPress](#): > > The young Churchill wore a daringly fashionable mustache. A society matron (not Astor, AFAIK) took exception at a (liberal) political comment and snapped, “Young man, I care for neither your politics nor your mustache!” “Madame,” he replied, “you are unlikely to come in contact with either.” He really missed an opportunity. “Nor I for yours.” would have killed. ---
**Author:** ![septimus](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/septimus/32/410_2.png) [@septimus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/septimus)\ **Post date:** [April 5, 2013, 7:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-churchill-insult/654937/9 "2013-04-05T19:28:35Z")
Churchill has some other funny insults, e.g. > [@](#): > > Well, dinner would have been splendid — if the wine had been as cold as the soup, the beef as rare as the service, the brandy as old as the fish, and the maid as willing as the Duchess. ---
**Author:** ![thelurkinghorror](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/7c8e57/32.png) [@thelurkinghorror](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/thelurkinghorror)\ **Post date:** [April 5, 2013, 11:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-churchill-insult/654937/10 "2013-04-05T23:50:03Z")
Family Guy on time traveling and discovering Churchill’s “legendary wit”: Lady Astor: Oh Winston, drunk again I see? Winston Churchill: yeah? Well you’re a cunt. (or on broadcast) Winston Churchill: yeah? Well you’re a fat bitch. ---
**Author:** ![samclem](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/a9a28c/32.png) [@samclem](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/samclem)\ **Post date:** [April 6, 2013, 12:25am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-churchill-insult/654937/11 "2013-04-06T00:25:17Z")
> [@Gangster\_Octopus](#): > > **Lady Astor** : Winston, if you were my husband, I’d put poison in your coffee. > **Churchill** : Nancy, if you were my wife I’d drink it. That quip appears first in the Chicago Tribune as early as 1900. Churchill never said it. ---
**Author:** ![don\_t\_ask](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e68b1a/32.png) [@don\_t\_ask](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/don_t_ask)\ **Post date:** [April 6, 2013, 12:29am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-churchill-insult/654937/12 "2013-04-06T00:29:10Z")
> [@Senegoid](#): > > Roger Ebert must have been well-read about Churchill. All the Ebert obits yesterday and today (e.g., [this one](http://movies.yahoo.com/blogs/movie-talk/brown-bunny-look-back-roger-ebert-infamous-pan-223820185.html)) have been quoting a very similar thing he said, after having dissed Vincent Gallo’s film _Brown Bunny._ Well that’s OK, Churchill may well have stolen it from W.C Fields in _It’s a Gift_: **Harry Payne Bosterly** : You’re drunk! **Harold** : And you’re crazy. But I’ll be sober tomorrow and you’ll be crazy for the rest of your life. ---
**Author:** ![Oly](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/oly/32/8255_2.png) [@Oly](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Oly)\ **Post date:** [April 6, 2013, 12:31am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-churchill-insult/654937/13 "2013-04-06T00:31:02Z")
Voted Astor. I’ve also always liked the one where Churchill walks into the boys room, occupied at the time by his Labour Party predecessor Clement Attlee, tending to business at one end of a long row of urinals. WC takes his place at the far end. “What’s the matter?” asks Attlee. “Feeling stand offish today, Winston?” “No,” replies WC. “Frightened. You want to nationalise every big thing you see.” ---
**Author:** ![the\_diego](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/7bcc69/32.png) [@the\_diego](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/the_diego)\ **Post date:** [April 6, 2013, 10:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-churchill-insult/654937/14 "2013-04-06T22:52:03Z")
“He fought the maniac…” alluding to Hitler when he learned of Rommel’s death. ---
**Author:** ![terentii](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/terentii/32/212_2.png) [@terentii](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/terentii)\ **Post date:** [April 6, 2013, 11:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-churchill-insult/654937/15 "2013-04-06T23:02:32Z")
> **[The origins of “Rum, sodomy and the lash” – Churchill’s alleged quip about...](https://www.thisdayinquotes.com/2010/08/rum-sodomy-and-lash-winston-churchills.html)** > > A blog about famous quotations (quotes that most people are or should be familiar with) ---
**Author:** ![jz78817](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/jz78817/32/1028_2.png) [@jz78817](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/jz78817)\ **Post date:** [April 7, 2013, 12:07am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-churchill-insult/654937/16 "2013-04-07T00:07:34Z")
> [@terentii](#): > > [The origins of “Rum, sodomy and the lash” – Churchill’s alleged quip about British naval tradition… - This Day in Quotes](http://www.thisdayinquotes.com/2010/08/rum-sodomy-and-lash-winston-churchills.html) “According to Montague-Browne, Churchill responded: ‘I never said it. I wish I had.’” “I really didn’t say everything I said.” - Yogi Berra ---
**Author:** ![Sudden\_Kestrel](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ecd19e/32.png) [@Sudden\_Kestrel](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sudden_Kestrel)\ **Post date:** [April 7, 2013, 1:19am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-churchill-insult/654937/17 "2013-04-07T01:19:13Z")
> [@samclem](#): > > That quip appears first in the Chicago Tribune as early as 1900. > > Churchill never said it. I always heard it attributed to Oscar Wilde, which is probably just as inaccurate. ---
**Author:** ![Little\_Nemo](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/little_nemo/32/3120_2.png) [@Little\_Nemo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Little_Nemo)\ **Post date:** [April 7, 2013, 1:43am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-churchill-insult/654937/18 "2013-04-07T01:43:43Z")
Some of Churchill’s best lines were directed at his successor, Clement Atlee: “A sheep in sheep’s clothing” “He is a modest man who has a good deal to be modest about.” “An empty taxi arrived at 10 Downing Street and when the door was opened Attlee got out.” ---
**Author:** ![Projammer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/projammer/32/559_2.png) [@Projammer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Projammer)\ **Post date:** [April 7, 2013, 4:36am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-churchill-insult/654937/19 "2013-04-07T04:36:59Z")
I’ve always been fond of “I’d drink it”. Regardless of who is responsible for it. I’ve even plagiarized versions of it for my own use. ---
**Author:** ![Cicero](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cicero/32/3594_2.png) [@Cicero](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cicero)\ **Post date:** [April 7, 2013, 1:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-churchill-insult/654937/20 "2013-04-07T13:47:04Z")
Best Winston insult is not listed above. “Winston’s written an enormous book all about himself and called it The World Crisis” (Sir Samuel Hoare - well attributed to many). [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-churchill-insult/654937.md?page=2)