# Best Dirty Jokes/Rhymes/Songs from Childhood **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [February 17, 2006, 2:36am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-dirty-jokes-rhymes-songs-from-childhood/344902 "2006-02-17T02:36:12Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![drmark2000](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/a87d85/32.png) [@drmark2000](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/drmark2000)\ **Post date:** [February 17, 2006, 2:36am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-dirty-jokes-rhymes-songs-from-childhood/344902/1 "2006-02-17T02:36:12Z")
You’ve all heard 'em, and maybe you even remember a few. You know… they were the “dirty” jokes/tales/limericks/songs, etc., which introduced you to new vocabulary and aspects of human behavior with which you may have been previously unfamiliar. I speak of Johnny Fuckerfaster (“I’m going as fast as I can, Ma!”), Purple Toiletbowl (sung to the tune of Yellow Submarine), among so many others. And why DO elephants get angry? You’d be angry, too, if you had to wipe with your nose! At the age of 12, I could have provided dozens of such examples. At the age of 44, I can hardly remember any. Googling, to my utter amazement, has turned up nothing for me as yet. Any links would be very, very much appreciated So, let’s get it going. Puerile sexual references, really stupid puns, and scatological content are not discouraged, at least by me. ---
**Author:** ![drmark2000](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/a87d85/32.png) [@drmark2000](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/drmark2000)\ **Post date:** [February 17, 2006, 2:40am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-dirty-jokes-rhymes-songs-from-childhood/344902/2 "2006-02-17T02:40:15Z")
There once was a man named McSprocket, Who stuck his dick up a socket. The son-of-a-bitch Turned on the switch, And away shot McSprocket like a rocket! ---
**Author:** ![Larry\_Mudd](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/f14d63/32.png) [@Larry\_Mudd](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Larry_Mudd)\ **Post date:** [February 17, 2006, 4:46am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-dirty-jokes-rhymes-songs-from-childhood/344902/3 "2006-02-17T04:46:59Z")
> [@drmark2000](#): > > Purple Toiletbowl (sung to the tune of Yellow Submarine) When I was in grade school it was: _We all live in a bucket of urine_ (rhymed with “marine,” 'natch.) _Bucket of urine Bucket of urine_ I can’t remember the rest of it, except “In the town / where I was born / there lived a man / who had to pee.” Most of my favourite childhood “dirty” rhymes and jokes are from very early childhood. (Around six or seven.) _Ink, pink, you stink Riding on a horse’s dink._ “Wanna hear a dirty joke?” “Okay.” “A hundred white horses fell in the mud.” ---
**Author:** ![C\_K\_Dexter\_Haven](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/b2d939/32.png) [@C\_K\_Dexter\_Haven](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/C_K_Dexter_Haven)\ **Post date:** [February 17, 2006, 5:30am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-dirty-jokes-rhymes-songs-from-childhood/344902/4 "2006-02-17T05:30:32Z")
I’m gonna rule that these aren’t “art and entertainment” (although they may have entertained us as 8-year-olds), and hence not reasonable for Cafe Society Forum. It’s more in the nature of a poll (“What do your remember…”) so I’m moving it to IMHO forum. ---
**Author:** ![Trillionaire](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/aeb1de/32.png) [@Trillionaire](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Trillionaire)\ **Post date:** [February 17, 2006, 5:31am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-dirty-jokes-rhymes-songs-from-childhood/344902/5 "2006-02-17T05:31:05Z")
Milk, milk, lemonade, 'round the corner fudge is made! ---
**Author:** ![E.Thorp](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/898d66/32.png) [@E.Thorp](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/E.Thorp)\ **Post date:** [February 17, 2006, 6:16am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-dirty-jokes-rhymes-songs-from-childhood/344902/6 "2006-02-17T06:16:50Z")
“Mommy! Turn on your headlights and open your gate! 'Cause here comes Daddy with a Z-28!” And no, I can’t believe I remember that… ---
**Author:** ![An\_Arky](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/87869e/32.png) [@An\_Arky](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/An_Arky)\ **Post date:** [February 17, 2006, 11:36am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-dirty-jokes-rhymes-songs-from-childhood/344902/7 "2006-02-17T11:36:25Z")
I picked this up from the bad kids down the street: _Goddamn motherfucking sonofabitch_ _Mama’s in the kitchen cookin red hot shit_ _My Daddy’s in hell_ _My Brother’s in jail_ _Sister’s on the corner yellin “pussy for sale”_ ---
**Author:** ![FlyingRamenMonster](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/ce7236/32.png) [@FlyingRamenMonster](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/FlyingRamenMonster)\ **Post date:** [February 17, 2006, 12:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-dirty-jokes-rhymes-songs-from-childhood/344902/8 "2006-02-17T12:18:46Z")
A family walks into a talent agency… ---
**Author:** ![Malacandra](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/45deac/32.png) [@Malacandra](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Malacandra)\ **Post date:** [February 17, 2006, 1:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-dirty-jokes-rhymes-songs-from-childhood/344902/9 "2006-02-17T13:05:46Z")
A little boy is in the bath with his mummy, and he points between his legs and says “Mummy, what’s that?” “That’s your _tugboat_, son.” “And what’s that?” he asks, pointing at Mummy. “That’s my _harbour_,” she replies. “Can I sail my tugboat into your harbour, mummy?” he asks. …“No son, that’s reserved for Daddy’s _battleship_”. 😃 Knocked 'em dead when I was a ten-year-old. ---
**Author:** ![Nature\_s\_Call](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/nature_s_call/32/19006_2.png) [@Nature\_s\_Call](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Nature_s_Call)\ **Post date:** [February 17, 2006, 1:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-dirty-jokes-rhymes-songs-from-childhood/344902/10 "2006-02-17T13:21:44Z")
George: Martha, can I stick my finger into your bellybutton? Martha: Sure, George. [pause] Martha: Um, George, that’s not my bellybutton. George: And that’s not my finger. ---
**Author:** ![CalMeacham](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/calmeacham/32/35_2.png) [@CalMeacham](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CalMeacham)\ **Post date:** [February 17, 2006, 1:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-dirty-jokes-rhymes-songs-from-childhood/344902/11 "2006-02-17T13:47:03Z")
I clearly hung out with the wrong crowd. We were a bunch goody two-shoes. I never heard any of these. Purple submarine? ---
**Author:** ![MissMossie](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/f6c823/32.png) [@MissMossie](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MissMossie)\ **Post date:** [February 17, 2006, 1:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-dirty-jokes-rhymes-songs-from-childhood/344902/12 "2006-02-17T13:57:53Z")
**Larry** reminded me of this classic: Want to hear a dirty joke? A man fell in a mud puddle. Want to hear a clean joke? He took a bath with bubbles. Want to hear a nasty joke? Bubbles was his next door neighbor! I also vividly remember learning the following rhyme while playing on the jungle-gym on my elementary school’s playground: Dolly Parton, she’s the best! She’s got mountains on her chest! ---
**Author:** ![Jayn\_Newell](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/f9ae1b/32.png) [@Jayn\_Newell](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Jayn_Newell)\ **Post date:** [February 17, 2006, 2:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-dirty-jokes-rhymes-songs-from-childhood/344902/13 "2006-02-17T14:08:00Z")
Three men were sitting around telling stories about how trashed they were the night before. Ed: I got so drunk I blew chunks. Ted: I got so drunk I wrapped my car around a tree. Fred: I got so drunk I went home and beat up my wife. Ed: No, you guys don’t get it. Chunks is my dog. ---
**Author:** ![Beware\_of\_Doug](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/278dde/32.png) [@Beware\_of\_Doug](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Beware_of_Doug)\ **Post date:** [February 17, 2006, 2:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-dirty-jokes-rhymes-songs-from-childhood/344902/14 "2006-02-17T14:13:27Z")
…achieve a higher level of artistry than typical playground ditties. Often composed to original melodies, they reflect their young creators’ precocious nature at a time of intense self-discovery _(snerk)_. I collected these at the National Music Camp in summer 1980. _I’m from Venus I have a penis Whoop de doop de doo I have a pussy too_ – Mike, 10, saxophonist _Whoa! Penises penises penises penises Ev - 'ry - where There’s penises in the kitchen There’s penises on the chair_ – Dave, 13, percussionist-actor _Strangers in the night, exchanging rubbers This one’s too tight, I’ll try another This one’s too loose, I’m losing juice This one’s too firm, I’m losing sperm_ – Rob, 11, euphonist ---
**Author:** ![TheLoadedDog](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/35a633/32.png) [@TheLoadedDog](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TheLoadedDog)\ **Post date:** [February 17, 2006, 2:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-dirty-jokes-rhymes-songs-from-childhood/344902/15 "2006-02-17T14:33:39Z")
_It’s the boy’s occupation To stick his cocktatation In the girl’s ventilation To increase the population Of the younger generation If you want a demonstration Please lie down._ It was funny at twelve because it was about sex. It’s funny at 35 because of the word “cocktatation”. I guess they got bored with trying to find a rhyme. ---
**Author:** ![drmark2000](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/a87d85/32.png) [@drmark2000](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/drmark2000)\ **Post date:** [February 17, 2006, 3:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-dirty-jokes-rhymes-songs-from-childhood/344902/16 "2006-02-17T15:14:46Z")
> [@Larry Mudd](#): > > When I was in grade school it was: > > _We all live in a bucket of urine_ (rhymed with “marine,” 'natch.) > _Bucket of urine > Bucket of urine_ > > I can’t remember the rest of it, except “In the town / where I was born / there lived a man / who had to pee.” Here’s how ours went: In the town where I was born Lived a man who drained his hole, And he told us of his life In a purple toilet bowl. We all live in a purple toilet bowl, etc., x2 As we sail the yellow sea In our purple toilet bowl, We have found the chunks of brown In our purple toilet bowl. (refrain) Repeat entire thing until you get to your bus stop. ---
**Author:** ![drmark2000](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/a87d85/32.png) [@drmark2000](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/drmark2000)\ **Post date:** [February 17, 2006, 3:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-dirty-jokes-rhymes-songs-from-childhood/344902/17 "2006-02-17T15:20:41Z")
> [@Trillionaire](#): > > Milk, milk, lemonade, 'round the corner fudge is made! Oh, you jogged my memory on this one! Push the button, Puuuulllllll the chain, Out comes chocolate choo choo train! ---
**Author:** ![Nature\_s\_Call](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/nature_s_call/32/19006_2.png) [@Nature\_s\_Call](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Nature_s_Call)\ **Post date:** [February 17, 2006, 3:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-dirty-jokes-rhymes-songs-from-childhood/344902/18 "2006-02-17T15:24:09Z")
We were too young to have experienced WWII. Nonetheless we got a kick outta this ditty: (to the tune of “Bridge on the River Kwai”) _Hitler - has only got one ball Donald - has two but they’re too small Dougie - has something simlar But poor old Steven has no balls at all_ We didn’t know any WWII evil dudes besides Hitler and Mousellini, so we substituted names from our gang, rotating whomever it was that had no balls at all (presumeably the most insulting). …and (to the tune of “Whistle While You Work”) _Whistle while you work Hitler was a jerk Mousellini pulled his weenie Now it doesn’t work_ ---
**Author:** ![Nature\_s\_Call](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/nature_s_call/32/19006_2.png) [@Nature\_s\_Call](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Nature_s_Call)\ **Post date:** [February 17, 2006, 3:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-dirty-jokes-rhymes-songs-from-childhood/344902/19 "2006-02-17T15:26:33Z")
Wanna hear a joke? - I fart, you choke. Wanna hear another? - I fart, you smother. Those were the days. ---
**Author:** ![ddgryphon](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/8c91f0/32.png) [@ddgryphon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ddgryphon)\ **Post date:** [February 17, 2006, 3:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-dirty-jokes-rhymes-songs-from-childhood/344902/20 "2006-02-17T15:39:57Z")
Good lord, I can’t believe what this question dredged up: It has been a LOOONG time for me: Sung to “My Bonny Lies Over the Ocean” My mommy lies over the ocean My daddy lies over the sea My daddy lies over my mommy And that’s how they created me! There once was a man from Madrass Who’s balls were made out of brass He’d bang them together Amid stormy weather And Lightning shot out of his ass. (to which I can only add: “hu-huh, he said ass”) Child one: What were you eating under there? Child two: Under where? Child one: Yuck, you ate underwear! Child one: Would you suck my dick if I washed it? Child two: No. Child one: You’d suck my dirty dick? Say “Roy Rodgers loves his lasso” 10 times as fast as you can. Most will eventually bungle it to “Roy Rodgers loves his asshole” Where does Batman pee? In the Bat-room. That’s all that comes to mind immediately – but I haven’t thought of these in actual decades – well, except for the man from madrass, which I’ve always found rather cute. [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-dirty-jokes-rhymes-songs-from-childhood/344902.md?page=2)