# Best Dirty Jokes/Rhymes/Songs from Childhood **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [February 17, 2006, 2:36am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-dirty-jokes-rhymes-songs-from-childhood/344902 "2006-02-17T02:36:12Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![ddgryphon](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/8c91f0/32.png) [@ddgryphon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ddgryphon)\ **Post date:** [February 17, 2006, 3:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-dirty-jokes-rhymes-songs-from-childhood/344902/21 "2006-02-17T15:42:12Z")
OH, another tounge twister: I’m not a sheet slitter Nor a sheet slitter’s son But I’ll slit the sheets Till the sheet slitter comes ---
**Author:** ![Susie\_Derkins](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/e47774/32.png) [@Susie\_Derkins](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Susie_Derkins)\ **Post date:** [February 17, 2006, 3:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-dirty-jokes-rhymes-songs-from-childhood/344902/22 "2006-02-17T15:42:25Z")
My younger brother and sister sang a “Yellow Submarine” parody too, but all I remember is: We all live in a yellow submarine A purple lima bean A fish’s ding-a-ling It used to crack me up when I was a teenager and they were in elementary school, because it just made no sense. There was one a friend taught me, and again I only remember a piece of it: He took me to his house (achee-ka) Laid me on his couch (achee-ka) He stuck it in easy (achee-ka) He pulled it out greasy! God, that’s gross. ---
**Author:** ![Nature\_s\_Call](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/nature_s_call/32/19006_2.png) [@Nature\_s\_Call](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Nature_s_Call)\ **Post date:** [February 17, 2006, 4:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-dirty-jokes-rhymes-songs-from-childhood/344902/23 "2006-02-17T16:07:57Z")
> [@ddgryphon](#): > > Child one: Would you suck my dick if I washed it? > Child two: No. > Child one: You’d suck my dirty dick? Our variant ended with “You dirty cocksucker” * * * Then there’s Inpsector Pussy… One person told a story while everyone listening would chorus the words “Inspector Pussy” at each pause. He arrived at the scene of the crime… _Inspector Pussy_ He studied the scene… _Inspector Pussy_ He crouched over the body… _Inspector Pussy_ etc. etc. He saw she was naked… _Inspector Pussy_ What should he do?.. _Inspect her pussy_ (ha ha ha) * * * I’d be remiss to neglect mentioning the old classics: Pull the edges of your mouth apart with two fingers of each hand. Now say “I was born on a pirate ship.” Ha ha ha Okay, now say “Puck” Ha ha ha ha HA ha ha! * * * God, I shudder to think _my_ kids are probably discovering many of these gems. ---
**Author:** ![Nature\_s\_Call](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/nature_s_call/32/19006_2.png) [@Nature\_s\_Call](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Nature_s_Call)\ **Post date:** [February 17, 2006, 4:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-dirty-jokes-rhymes-songs-from-childhood/344902/24 "2006-02-17T16:10:02Z")
What goes in long and hard, and comes out soft, wet, and sticky? - Bubble gum. What were YOU thinking of? ---
**Author:** ![Nature\_s\_Call](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/nature_s_call/32/19006_2.png) [@Nature\_s\_Call](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Nature_s_Call)\ **Post date:** [February 17, 2006, 4:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-dirty-jokes-rhymes-songs-from-childhood/344902/25 "2006-02-17T16:14:44Z")
I see Paris I see France I see Jason’s underpants Feel free to replace Jason with any name you wish. ---
**Author:** ![cwthree](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/9de0a6/32.png) [@cwthree](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/cwthree)\ **Post date:** [February 17, 2006, 4:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-dirty-jokes-rhymes-songs-from-childhood/344902/26 "2006-02-17T16:33:13Z")
This one has to be said out loud to work: What’s long and hard and full of /si:'men/? (I told you, say it, don’t read it) A submarine. ---
**Author:** ![Clothahump](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/51bf81/32.png) [@Clothahump](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Clothahump)\ **Post date:** [February 17, 2006, 4:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-dirty-jokes-rhymes-songs-from-childhood/344902/27 "2006-02-17T16:53:14Z")
And don’t forget the classic graffiti: He who writes on outhouse walls Rolls his shit in little balls. He who reads these words of wit Will eat these little balls of shit. And how about the book titles? The Yellow River, by I. P. Freely 50 Yard Dash To The Outhouse, by Willy Makeit, illustrated by Bette Dont Under The Grandstand, by Seymour Butz The Tiger’s Revenge, by Claude Bahls Ah, good times, good times. ---
**Author:** ![Nature\_s\_Call](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/nature_s_call/32/19006_2.png) [@Nature\_s\_Call](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Nature_s_Call)\ **Post date:** [February 17, 2006, 6:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-dirty-jokes-rhymes-songs-from-childhood/344902/28 "2006-02-17T18:39:05Z")
“Brown Spots on the Wall” by Hu Flung Pu “Green Spots on the Wall” by Pickett N. Flickett “Yellow Spots on the Wall” by I.P. Freely “White Spots on the Wall” by C. Mann ---
**Author:** ![Trunk](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/87869e/32.png) [@Trunk](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Trunk)\ **Post date:** [February 17, 2006, 6:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-dirty-jokes-rhymes-songs-from-childhood/344902/29 "2006-02-17T18:53:52Z")
\ _Cocksucker, motherfucker two-ball bitch. You can’t fuck your mother 'cuz your two-balls itch._ I think a local kid made it up. _cocksucker motherfucker two ball bitch_ turns up some google hits, but nothing exact. In high school, I made up a song to the tune of yellow submarine that went, “We all have venereal disease” And it was about all the girls in the high school, “In a land across the sea, Lived a girl, named Stephanie \.” ---
**Author:** ![Hugh\_Jass](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/4da419/32.png) [@Hugh\_Jass](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Hugh_Jass)\ **Post date:** [February 17, 2006, 6:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-dirty-jokes-rhymes-songs-from-childhood/344902/30 "2006-02-17T18:59:16Z")
> [@Nature's Call](#): > > * * * > > Then there’s Inpsector Pussy… One person told a story while everyone listening would chorus the words “Inspector Pussy” at each pause. > > He arrived at the scene of the crime… _Inspector Pussy_ > He studied the scene… _Inspector Pussy_ > He crouched over the body… _Inspector Pussy_ > etc. > etc. > He saw she was naked… _Inspector Pussy_ > What should he do?.. _Inspect her pussy_ > (ha ha ha) We had a lot of these. We used Inspector Tit. Pea Green Soup was my personal favorite. What did \ have for breakfast? Pea Green Soup What did X have for lunch? Pea Green Soup For dinner… What did he do all night? Pee Green Soup. ---
**Author:** ![Lionne](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/8e8cbc/32.png) [@Lionne](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lionne)\ **Post date:** [February 17, 2006, 7:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-dirty-jokes-rhymes-songs-from-childhood/344902/31 "2006-02-17T19:22:55Z")
A kiss is a kiss A plum is a plum A kiss is nothing Without a tongue. _(doesn’t really rhyme now, does it?)_ 5 minutes is a pleasure 9 months is a pain 10 hours in the delivery room Before Johnny came Johnny’s father is a bastard His mother is a whore Little Johnny wouldn’t be here If the rubber hadn’t tore. _(at the time, I had no idea what a rubber was, so I envisioned some weird rubber slingshot type thing keeping a baby inside his mother. :eek: )_ Miss Susie had a tugboat The tugboat had a bell Miss Susie went to heaven The tugboat went to _hello_ Operator, give me number 9 If you disconnect me, I’ll chop off your _behind_ The refrigerator, there was a piece of glass Miss Susie sat upon it And cut her little _ask_ Me no more questions, Tell me no more lies The boys are in the bathroom Zipping up their _flies_ Are in the meadow The bees are in their hive… On and on ad nauseum… ---
**Author:** ![KRC](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/45deac/32.png) [@KRC](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/KRC)\ **Post date:** [February 17, 2006, 7:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-dirty-jokes-rhymes-songs-from-childhood/344902/32 "2006-02-17T19:25:20Z")
We had the “Whore Song” which went: Walkin’ down Canal Street, lookin’ for a whore G-d D-mn Son of a bitch Couldn’t find a whore! Finally found a whore, she was tall and thin G-d D-mn Son of a bitch Couldn’t get it in! Finally got it in, swished it all about! G-d D-mn Son of a bitch Couldn’t get it out! Finally got it out, it was red and sore G-d D-mn Son of a bitch Never F-ck a whore!! My sister once told me she’d beat me up when I threatened to sing the song while we were walking down Canal Street in New York. ---
**Author:** ![HubZilla](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/ccd318/32.png) [@HubZilla](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/HubZilla)\ **Post date:** [February 17, 2006, 7:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-dirty-jokes-rhymes-songs-from-childhood/344902/33 "2006-02-17T19:50:47Z")
I was walking through the park one day In the merry merry month of May I looked up a tree and what did I see? A goddamned (negro) trying to pee on me. I picked up a rock, through it at his cock Goddamned (negro) must’ve jumped a whole block Funny thing, though, is we didn’t really know what a “nigger” was at that age and didn’t equate them to black people. We also never never connected the boogie-man with a black man. So naive. Are you PT? No. (you’re not potty-trained!) Yes. (you’re a pregnant teacher!) Say “mother may I” and spell CUP. ---
**Author:** ![Larry\_Mudd](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/f14d63/32.png) [@Larry\_Mudd](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Larry_Mudd)\ **Post date:** [February 17, 2006, 7:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-dirty-jokes-rhymes-songs-from-childhood/344902/34 "2006-02-17T19:56:34Z")
**Nature’s Call** , you keep jogging my memory! > [@Nature's Call](#): > > I see Paris > I see France > I see Jason’s underpants _There’s a place in France Where the women wear no pants and the men don’t care 'cause they have no underwear._ > [@Nature's Call](#): > > We were too young to have experienced WWII. Nonetheless we got a kick outta this ditty: > (to the tune of “Bridge on the River Kwai”) _Bullshit! That’s all the band could play Bullshit! They played it every day Bullshit! Dadada bullshit! Dadada Bullshit! Bullshit! Bullshit!_ ---
**Author:** ![Oy](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/bc8723/32.png) [@Oy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Oy)\ **Post date:** [February 17, 2006, 8:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-dirty-jokes-rhymes-songs-from-childhood/344902/35 "2006-02-17T20:50:16Z")
> [@Nature's Call](#): > > We were too young to have experienced WWII. Nonetheless we got a kick outta this ditty: > > (to the tune of “Bridge on the River Kwai”) > _Hitler - has only got one ball > Donald - has two but they’re too small > Dougie - has something simlar > But poor old Steven has no balls at all_ > > We didn’t know any WWII evil dudes besides Hitler and Mousellini, so we substituted names from our gang, rotating whomever it was that had no balls at all (presumeably the most insulting). The way I’ve heard it: _Hitler has only got one ball. Goering has two, but very small. Himmler is rather similar And Goebals (prounounce it Go-balls for this exercise) has no balls at all._ The rhymes work better with the actual names. But I’m too young to remember too - born in 1956! ---
**Author:** ![Amazon\_Floozy\_Goddess](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/779978/32.png) [@Amazon\_Floozy\_Goddess](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Amazon_Floozy_Goddess)\ **Post date:** [February 17, 2006, 9:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-dirty-jokes-rhymes-songs-from-childhood/344902/36 "2006-02-17T21:05:49Z")
Old McDonald sittin’ on a fence, Hittin’ his knee with a monkey wrench, Missed his knee and hit his balls, Pissed all over his overalls, Went to the doctor, the doctor said, “Oh my god, your balls are dead!” There was a second verse, but I can’t remember it anymore… ---
**Author:** ![Susie\_Derkins](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/e47774/32.png) [@Susie\_Derkins](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Susie_Derkins)\ **Post date:** [February 18, 2006, 12:16am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-dirty-jokes-rhymes-songs-from-childhood/344902/37 "2006-02-18T00:16:41Z")
Ooh, that one reminded me of one my _grandmother_ taught me when I was a kid: When I was young and had no sense I took a whiz on an electric fence It stung my dick and shocked my balls And made me shit in my overalls ---
**Author:** ![Spoons](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/spoons/32/3141_2.png) [@Spoons](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Spoons)\ **Post date:** [February 18, 2006, 12:17am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-dirty-jokes-rhymes-songs-from-childhood/344902/38 "2006-02-18T00:17:01Z")
Wow…haven’t thought of some of these in years. Here’s my contribution: Q: Who Discovered Fuzz On Peaches? A: Peaches’ Boyfriend! ---
**Author:** ![racer72](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/racer72/32/3075_2.png) [@racer72](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/racer72)\ **Post date:** [February 18, 2006, 12:53am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-dirty-jokes-rhymes-songs-from-childhood/344902/39 "2006-02-18T00:53:44Z")
Sung to Clemintine: In the cabinet, in the bathroom, o’er the sinks whose faucets shine; stands a funny little bottle and they call it iodine. Oh you funny, oh you funny, oh you funny iodine; You don’t taste good with a cookie but for booboos your just fine. Theres a place in France where the alligators dance; The one couldn’t dance so they kicked him in the pants; The pants next door cost a dollar forty four; Plus tax… Know how to keep an idiot in suspense? ---
**Author:** ![Ferret\_Herder](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/e47774/32.png) [@Ferret\_Herder](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ferret_Herder)\ **Post date:** [February 18, 2006, 1:25am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-dirty-jokes-rhymes-songs-from-childhood/344902/40 "2006-02-18T01:25:04Z")
> [@Larry Mudd](#): > > _There’s a place in France > Where the women wear no pants > and the men don’t care > 'cause they have no underwear._ I knew it as: _There’s a place in France Where the naked ladies dance There’s a hole in the wall Where the men can see it all But the men don’t care Cause they’re in their underwear_ Yeah, doesn’t make much sense. > [@HubZilla](#): > > We also never never connected the boogie-man with a black man. So naive. :eek: You’re shitting me… that’s where the term came from?! [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-dirty-jokes-rhymes-songs-from-childhood/344902.md?page=1) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-dirty-jokes-rhymes-songs-from-childhood/344902.md?page=3)