# Best Dirty Jokes/Rhymes/Songs from Childhood **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [February 17, 2006, 2:36am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-dirty-jokes-rhymes-songs-from-childhood/344902 "2006-02-17T02:36:12Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 5
**Author:** ![JohnT](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/johnt/32/15048_2.png) [@JohnT](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/JohnT)\ **Post date:** [September 28, 2011, 10:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-dirty-jokes-rhymes-songs-from-childhood/344902/81 "2011-09-28T22:30:37Z")
> [@Beware\_of\_Doug](#): > > …achieve a higher level of artistry than typical playground ditties. Often composed to original melodies, they reflect their young creators’ precocious nature at a time of intense self-discovery _(snerk)_. Oh, yeah, that reminds me. Again, not “naughty”, but definitely gross \*Great big globs of greasy, grimy gopher guts! Mutilated monkey feet, Chopped up baby parakeet! Great big globs of greasy, grimy gopher guts, And I forgot my spoon!\* I also read all of \*\*Larry… \*\* whatever-his-name-was books “Greatest Polish Jokes”, “Greatest Jewish Jokes”… etc, until I realized each book had the same jokes, just reworded to fit the ethnicity in question. ---
**Author:** ![Amanda\_the\_Wuss](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/cdc98d/32.png) [@Amanda\_the\_Wuss](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Amanda_the_Wuss)\ **Post date:** [September 30, 2011, 2:34am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-dirty-jokes-rhymes-songs-from-childhood/344902/82 "2011-09-30T02:34:13Z")
> [@JohnT](#): > > (Sung to the tune of “On Top of Old Smokey”) > > \*On top of spaghetti, > All covered with cheese. > I lost my poor meatball, > When somebody sneezed. > > It rolled off the table, > And onto the floor. > And then my poor meatball, > Rolled out of the door. > > It rolled in the garden, > And under a bush. > And then my poor meatball, > Was nothing but mush.\* The mush was as tasty As tasty could be And then late last summer It grew into a tree The tree was all covered With beautiful moss And it grew lots of spaghetti And tomato sauce So when you eat spaghetti All covered with cheese Hold onto your meatballs And don’t ever sneeze. 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![Sternvogel](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/bc79bd/32.png) [@Sternvogel](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sternvogel)\ **Post date:** [October 1, 2011, 3:32am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-dirty-jokes-rhymes-songs-from-childhood/344902/83 "2011-10-01T03:32:04Z")
> [@JohnT](#): > > I also read all of \*\*Larry… \*\* whatever-his-name-was books “Greatest Polish Jokes”, “Greatest Jewish Jokes”… etc, until I realized each book had the same jokes, just reworded to fit the ethnicity in question. [Larry Wilde](http://www.amazon.com/Larry-Wilde/e/B001HPJPCQ). ---
**Author:** ![panache45](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/panache45/32/64_2.png) [@panache45](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/panache45)\ **Post date:** [October 1, 2011, 8:58am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-dirty-jokes-rhymes-songs-from-childhood/344902/84 "2011-10-01T08:58:40Z")
A little dirt by innuendo, from the ‘50s: \*Casey and Murphy were digging in a ditch, Casey called Murphy a dirty son-of-a . . . Beaver, beaver, sitting on a rock, Along came a bumble bee and stung him on his . . . Cocktail, ginger ale, 5 cents a glass, If you don’t like it shove it up your . . . Ask me no questions and tell me no lies, Casey hit Murphy and now he’s paralyzed. \* ---
**Author:** ![hogarth](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/hogarth/32/1773_2.png) [@hogarth](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/hogarth)\ **Post date:** [October 1, 2011, 4:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-dirty-jokes-rhymes-songs-from-childhood/344902/85 "2011-10-01T16:19:20Z")
> [@HubZilla](#): > > Are you PT? > No. (you’re not potty-trained!) > Yes. (you’re a pregnant teacher!) The version I heard was: Are you TT? No. (you’re not toilet trained!) Yes. (you’re triple titted!) There was a version with ABC as well: “you’re an African bum cleaner!” vs. “you’re not a brilliant child!”. > [@Nature's Call](#): > > Then there’s Inpsector Pussy… One person told a story while everyone listening would chorus the words “Inspector Pussy” at each pause. It was “Inspector Muff” in the version I heard. > [@Nature's Call](#): > > “Chinese” (push corners of eyes up) > “Japanese” (pull corners of eyes down) > “Dirty knees” (point at knees) > “Look at these” (lift shirt up) The version I learned ended “Look at these…Christmas trees!” At which point you would pull out the chest of your shirt in a double tent shape. And one more for good luck: Come listen to a story ‘bout a man named Jed Had a lot of hair, but it wasn’t on his head Then one day he was shootin’ at some food When up from the ground came a redhead, nude Bare ass…buck naked Well, the next thing you know, ol’ Jed’s in bed Screwing the shit out of ol’ redhead Here come’s Granny with a hickory stick Gonna beat the shit out of ol’ Jed’s dick. ---
**Author:** ![Ximenean](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/x/aca169/32.png) [@Ximenean](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ximenean)\ **Post date:** [October 1, 2011, 4:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-dirty-jokes-rhymes-songs-from-childhood/344902/86 "2011-10-01T16:30:00Z")
_I went to a party at the county jail Ripped my balls on a rusty nail When I got home I got a terrible shock Only one ball and half a cock_ ---
**Author:** ![Fear\_Itself](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/fear_itself/32/19637_2.png) [@Fear\_Itself](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Fear_Itself)\ **Post date:** [October 1, 2011, 6:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-dirty-jokes-rhymes-songs-from-childhood/344902/87 "2011-10-01T18:13:35Z")
There was a fight song that fits the category: Ratshit! Batshit! Dirty old twat; Sixty nine douche bags Tied up in a knot: Eat Shit! Lick Clit! Gonorrhea Goo, We are the \_\_\_ \_\_\_\_ So Fuck You! ---
**Author:** ![Ignatz](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/3be4f8/32.png) [@Ignatz](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ignatz)\ **Post date:** [October 2, 2011, 10:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-dirty-jokes-rhymes-songs-from-childhood/344902/88 "2011-10-02T22:46:43Z")
1. Oh, Bob, let’s not stop here. Oh, Bob, let’s not stop. Oh, Bob, let’s not. Oh, Bob, let’s. Oh, Bob! Oh! * * * 1. Hasten, Jason, get the basin. Whoops, slop, Get the mop. Blood and gore on the floor and me without my spoon. ---
**Author:** ![sqweels](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/f19dbf/32.png) [@sqweels](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/sqweels)\ **Post date:** [October 2, 2011, 11:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-dirty-jokes-rhymes-songs-from-childhood/344902/89 "2011-10-02T23:06:13Z")
_Daniel Boone was a man He was a biiiiig man But the bear was a-bigger So he ran like a [African-American person] Up a tree!_ ---
**Author:** ![Enright3](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/enright3/32/2897_2.png) [@Enright3](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Enright3)\ **Post date:** [October 3, 2011, 12:38am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-dirty-jokes-rhymes-songs-from-childhood/344902/90 "2011-10-03T00:38:35Z")
> [@Nature\_s\_Call](#): > > George: Martha, can I stick my finger into your bellybutton? > Martha: Sure, George. > [pause] > Martha: Um, George, that’s not my bellybutton. > George: And that’s not my finger. We always heard this one as a Gomer Pyle joke. (said in Jim Neighbors’ Southern drawl) “SuhhhhPrize! SuhhhhPrize! SuhhhhPrize! That ain’t my finger either!” ---
**Author:** ![Enright3](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/enright3/32/2897_2.png) [@Enright3](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Enright3)\ **Post date:** [October 3, 2011, 12:47am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-dirty-jokes-rhymes-songs-from-childhood/344902/91 "2011-10-03T00:47:27Z")
> [@Nature\_s\_Call](#): > > Wanna hear a joke? > > - I fart, you choke. > > Wanna hear another? > > - I fart, you smother. > Those were the days. 10, 20, 30, 40, 50 or more, Someone let a gasser in the grocery store, 80 of em died tried to hold thier breath, someone let another and killed the rest! ---
**Author:** ![Trick\_Rider](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/d6d6ee/32.png) [@Trick\_Rider](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Trick_Rider)\ **Post date:** [October 3, 2011, 1:06am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-dirty-jokes-rhymes-songs-from-childhood/344902/92 "2011-10-03T01:06:52Z")
I remember something similar to the one where a phrase is repeated after every pause in a story. We always used “ketchup & liquor”. I also remember one joke where a bunch of guys walk into a bar that’s been dead all night about an hour before. When each one was asked, they said they were lying on top of Blueberry Hill. A little later, a woman walked in. The bartender said “Don’t tell me you were lying on top of Blueberry Hill!” The woman replied “No, I **am** Blueberry Hill!” We of course thought these were hilarious. ---
**Author:** ![missred](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/missred/32/14096_2.png) [@missred](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/missred)\ **Post date:** [October 3, 2011, 2:52am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-dirty-jokes-rhymes-songs-from-childhood/344902/93 "2011-10-03T02:52:18Z")
When we cleaned my late grandfather’s attic (circa 1983), we found a school book that had belonged to one of my uncles during elementary school in the thirties. Inscribed, in his finest third grade cursive was this rhyme: _Mrs. Rickles bought some pickles On a sunny day Mrs. Martin came a fartin And blowed them all away._ This was the same uncle who taught us kids the aforementioned _Sam, Sam the Lavatory Man_ when we used to camp out. ---
**Author:** ![SweetLucy](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/bcef8e/32.png) [@SweetLucy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SweetLucy)\ **Post date:** [October 3, 2011, 2:56am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-dirty-jokes-rhymes-songs-from-childhood/344902/94 "2011-10-03T02:56:09Z")
_What do the Enterprise and toilet paper have in common?_ _They both circle around Uranus, wiping out Klingons_. I think I first heard this in 4th grade 😃 ---
**Author:** ![Dead\_Cat](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/9fc29f/32.png) [@Dead\_Cat](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dead_Cat)\ **Post date:** [October 4, 2011, 5:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-dirty-jokes-rhymes-songs-from-childhood/344902/95 "2011-10-04T17:30:54Z")
I am highly amused that I read through the first part of this thread not realising it was a zombie, intending to post my favourite from childhood, only to find I had already done so five years ago. A couple more: \*My old man’s a lavatory cleaner, he works all day in the pit, And when he comes home in the evening, he always smells of SHINY buttons and brasshooks, they’re only 3.80 a tin, You can buy 'em or nick 'em from Woolworths, but I doubt if they got any in. Some say he died of a fever, some say he died of a fit, But I know what my old man died of, he died of the smell of… Some say he left me a fortune, some say he left me a bit, But I know what my old man left me, he left me a pile of…\* There were more verses which escape me at present. Also: _hold hand out in a strange position_ “What do you call this?” “I don’t know” “Wanker’s cramp! Do you get it?” (Yes - “Ah - you wanker!”) (No - “What - don’t you know what I mean?”) ---
**Author:** ![AaronX](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/7bcc69/32.png) [@AaronX](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AaronX)\ **Post date:** [October 5, 2011, 2:30am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-dirty-jokes-rhymes-songs-from-childhood/344902/96 "2011-10-05T02:30:40Z")
From the movie The Hot Chick: Boys are cheats and liars, they’re such a big disgrace. They will tell you anything to get to second… baseball, baseball he thinks he’s gonna score. If you let him go all the way then you are a… horticulture studies flowers, geologist studies rocks. The only thing a guy wants from you is a place to put his … cockroaches, beetles, butterflies and bugs. Nothing makes him happier than a giant pair of… jugglers and acrobats, a dancing bear named Chuck. All guys really want to do is… forget it, no such luck. And I keep recalling this joke, but can’t find anyone to tell it to: Joe took his blind date to the carnival. “What would you like to do first, Kim?” asked Joe. I want to get weighed," she said. They ambled over to the weight guesser. He guessed 120 pounds. She got on the scale; it read 117 and she won a prize. Next, the couple went on the Ferris Wheel. When the ride was over, Joe again asked Kim what she would like to do. “I want to get weighed,” she said. Back to the weight guesser they went. Since they had been there before, he guessed her correct weight, and Joe lost his dollar. The couple walked around the carnival and again he asked where to next. “I want to get weighed,” she responded. By this time, Joe figured she was really weird and took her home early, dropping her off with a handshake. Her roommate, Laura, asked her about the blind date, “How’d it go?” Kim responded, “Oh, Waura, it was wousy.” ---
**Author:** ![dougie\_monty](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/439d5e/32.png) [@dougie\_monty](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/dougie_monty)\ **Post date:** [October 29, 2011, 6:52am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-dirty-jokes-rhymes-songs-from-childhood/344902/97 "2011-10-29T06:52:22Z")
This is a verson of “Casey Jones” we learned from other kids in the neighborhood: _Casey Jones was a son of a gun Wrecked his engine on a forty-mile run The engine busted and the boiler split And Casey ran into a pile of leaves._ (This is the version we sang when our parents were present.) 😉 My Dad told me a verson of “The Bear Went over the Mountain” like this: _The bear went over the mountain The bear went over the mountain The bear went over the mountain To see what he could see. He stuck his head in a dark hole Filled his belly with charcoal. Sparks flew out his but hole And set his tail on fire!_ My older brother came up with this: _Mary had a little lamb and the doctor was surprised– But when Old MacDonald had a farm the doctor nearly died!_ ---
**Author:** ![dougie\_monty](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/439d5e/32.png) [@dougie\_monty](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/dougie_monty)\ **Post date:** [February 20, 2012, 7:57am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-dirty-jokes-rhymes-songs-from-childhood/344902/98 "2012-02-20T07:57:02Z")
> [@Hugh\_Jass](#): > > […] > What did \ have for breakfast? Pea Green Soup > What did X have for lunch? Pea Green Soup > For dinner… > What did he do all night? Pee Green Soup. (No apologies for reviving an old thread. :D) “What are pencil erasers made of?” “Rubber.” “What are rain boots made of?” “Rubber.” “If you saw Dolly Parton in the shower, what would you do?” ---
**Author:** ![razldazl99](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/e79b87/32.png) [@razldazl99](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/razldazl99)\ **Post date:** [July 21, 2012, 5:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-dirty-jokes-rhymes-songs-from-childhood/344902/99 "2012-07-21T17:55:43Z")
Greasy, gummy gobs of gopher guts mixed up monkey meats funny birds dirty feets french fried eyeballs laying in a pool of blood I forgot my spoon! It had a sing songy tune but not from any other song I recognize. This is circa 4th grade… ---
**Author:** ![handsomeharry](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/e9c0ed/32.png) [@handsomeharry](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/handsomeharry)\ **Post date:** [July 22, 2012, 5:56am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-dirty-jokes-rhymes-songs-from-childhood/344902/100 "2012-07-22T05:56:08Z")
There are two that come to mind immediately, and I can’t remember the rest of the first one… Mother Fucker Land Walking through the forest With my dick in my hand came to a place Known as Mother Fucker land Walked through the forest What did I see? Some big mother fucker Trying to piss on me. That’s all I can remember… Next one: 3-6-10 the goose drank gin the monkey spit tobacco on the fucking hen The hen clucked and the monkey got fucked and they all went to heaven on a cigarette truck! [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-dirty-jokes-rhymes-songs-from-childhood/344902.md?page=4) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-dirty-jokes-rhymes-songs-from-childhood/344902.md?page=6)