# Best Dirty Jokes/Rhymes/Songs from Childhood **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [February 17, 2006, 2:36am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-dirty-jokes-rhymes-songs-from-childhood/344902 "2006-02-17T02:36:12Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 7
**Author:** ![terentii](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/terentii/32/212_2.png) [@terentii](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/terentii)\ **Post date:** [January 1, 2014, 7:10am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-dirty-jokes-rhymes-songs-from-childhood/344902/121 "2014-01-01T07:10:57Z")
\*Tiddlywinks, young man, get a woman if you can; if you can’t get a woman, get a clean old man! Shake it high, shake it low, then you shake it to and fro! Can you do the double shuffle when your balls hang low? Do your balls hang low? Do they wobble to and fro? Can you tie them in a knot? Can you tie them in a bow? Do they make a rusty clamor when you hit them with a hammer? Can you do the double shuffle when your balls hang low?\* ---
**Author:** ![terentii](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/terentii/32/212_2.png) [@terentii](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/terentii)\ **Post date:** [January 1, 2014, 7:12am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-dirty-jokes-rhymes-songs-from-childhood/344902/122 "2014-01-01T07:12:15Z")
_Hitler has only got one ball! Goering has two but they are small! Himmler is somewhat sim’lar! And Goebbels hasn’t got any at all!_ ---
**Author:** ![terentii](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/terentii/32/212_2.png) [@terentii](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/terentii)\ **Post date:** [January 1, 2014, 7:15am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-dirty-jokes-rhymes-songs-from-childhood/344902/123 "2014-01-01T07:15:28Z")
_Great big gobs of greasy grimy gopher guts, mutilated monkey meat, little turdey-birdie feet! Great big gobs of vomit rolling down the street, and me without my spoon!_☹ ---
**Author:** ![JKellyMap](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/jkellymap/32/15880_2.png) [@JKellyMap](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/JKellyMap)\ **Post date:** [January 1, 2014, 11:26am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-dirty-jokes-rhymes-songs-from-childhood/344902/124 "2014-01-01T11:26:42Z")
> [@terentii](#): > > _Hitler > has only got one ball! > Goering > has two but they are small! > Himmler > is somewhat sim’lar! > And Goebbels hasn’t > got any > at all!_ [The Master speaks](http://www.straightdope.com/columns/read/881/did-hitler-have-only-one-testicle). ---
**Author:** ![JKellyMap](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/jkellymap/32/15880_2.png) [@JKellyMap](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/JKellyMap)\ **Post date:** [January 1, 2014, 11:34am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-dirty-jokes-rhymes-songs-from-childhood/344902/125 "2014-01-01T11:34:47Z")
…as I already mentioned in this thread, nearly three years ago… 😉 ---
**Author:** ![JBDivmstr](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/b4bc9f/32.png) [@JBDivmstr](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/JBDivmstr)\ **Post date:** [January 1, 2014, 2:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-dirty-jokes-rhymes-songs-from-childhood/344902/126 "2014-01-01T14:28:36Z")
> [@chief2442](#): > > i heard these a long time ago off a gene tracy album > > there once was a girl named alice > she used a dynamite stick for a fawlous > they found her vagina in south carolina and bit of ass about dallas > > _**here lies the bone of screwy dick > born into life with a corkscrew prick > spend his life in a futile hunt > in search of the girl with a corkscrew cunt > dick finally found her and then fell dead > son of bitch she had a left hand thread**_ (bolding mine) Damn, I’m glad somebody resurrected this thread! There’s some ‘gut-busting’ funny stuff in here. ('Screwy Dick, is my favorite! :D) ---
**Author:** ![robert\_columbia](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/e79b87/32.png) [@robert\_columbia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/robert_columbia)\ **Post date:** [January 1, 2014, 3:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-dirty-jokes-rhymes-songs-from-childhood/344902/127 "2014-01-01T15:57:40Z")
(to the tune of “This Land is Your Land”) _This land is my land, It isn’t your land, I’ve got a shotgun, And you don’t got one, If you don’t get off, I’ll blow your head off, This land is Private Property._ ---
**Author:** ![F.U.Shakespeare](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/aca169/32.png) [@F.U.Shakespeare](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/F.U.Shakespeare)\ **Post date:** [January 1, 2014, 5:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-dirty-jokes-rhymes-songs-from-childhood/344902/128 "2014-01-01T17:12:15Z")
_I’m Popeye the sailor man I live in a garbage can I eat all the junk, I smell like a skunk I’m Popeye the sailor man_ Alternative line 3: (_I eat all the worms, I spit out the germs_) ---
**Author:** ![terentii](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/terentii/32/212_2.png) [@terentii](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/terentii)\ **Post date:** [January 1, 2014, 5:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-dirty-jokes-rhymes-songs-from-childhood/344902/129 "2014-01-01T17:37:27Z")
> [@chief2442](#): > > there once was a girl named alice > she used a dynamite stick for a **fawlous** > they found her vagina in south carolina and bit of ass about dallas Is that anything like a “phallus”? 😕 _There once was a young girl named Jill; used a dynamite stick for a thrill. They found her vagina in North Carolina, and bits of her tits in Brazil._ ---
**Author:** ![terentii](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/terentii/32/212_2.png) [@terentii](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/terentii)\ **Post date:** [January 1, 2014, 5:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-dirty-jokes-rhymes-songs-from-childhood/344902/130 "2014-01-01T17:40:11Z")
\*I’m Popeye the sailor man, I live in a frying pan. You turn on the gas and I’ll burn off my ass. I’m Popeye the sailor man. I’m Popeye the sailor man, I’m Popeye the sailor man. I love to go swimmin’ with barenaked women. I’m Popeye the sailor man.\* ---
**Author:** ![Jamicat](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/c67d28/32.png) [@Jamicat](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Jamicat)\ **Post date:** [January 1, 2014, 6:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-dirty-jokes-rhymes-songs-from-childhood/344902/131 "2014-01-01T18:38:17Z")
> [@An\_Arky](#): > > I picked this up from the bad kids down the street: > _Goddamn motherfucking sonofabitch_ > _Mama’s in the kitchen cookin red hot shit_ > _My Daddy’s in hell_ > _My Brother’s in jail_ > _Sister’s on the corner yellin “pussy for sale”_ LOL…I wonder where this came from…besides from the Zombies. Im from the Arlington Va area… Your a Mother Fucker Tittie Sucker Two Ball Bitch Your Mothers in the kitchen cooking red hot shit Your Brothers in Heaven Your Fathers in Hell Your sisters’ outside sayin’ pussy for sale You can Kiss my acrobat, My Solar crack My GTO, My Sterio Your Momma Your Poppa You got a greasy can You got a hole in your pan You got a big behind like a Frankenstein You go toot toot toot like a prostitute You go peep peep peep down sesame street Here’s your big bird (shows middle fingers) Up on the roof top All covered in mud I shot my poor teacher With a 44 slug I went to her funeral I went to her grave Some people threw flowers I threw a grenade Why do I still remember this crap from elementary school. :smack: ---
**Author:** ![jebert](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/ec9cab/32.png) [@jebert](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/jebert)\ **Post date:** [January 1, 2014, 10:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-dirty-jokes-rhymes-songs-from-childhood/344902/132 "2014-01-01T22:19:08Z")
There was a series of “Confucius say” jokes; these are the only two I remember: Confucius say - Woman who cook carrots and peas in same pot very unsanitary. Confucius say - Woman who fly plane upside down have crack up. ---
**Author:** ![TreacherousCretin](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/treacherouscretin/32/476_2.png) [@TreacherousCretin](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TreacherousCretin)\ **Post date:** [January 1, 2014, 10:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-dirty-jokes-rhymes-songs-from-childhood/344902/133 "2014-01-01T22:50:52Z")
> [@jebert](#): > > There was a series of “Confucius say” jokes; these are the only two I remember: > > Confucius say - > Woman who cook carrots and peas in same pot very unsanitary. > > Confucius say - > Woman who fly plane upside down have crack up. Man who go to sleep with itchy butt wake up with smelly fingers. ---
**Author:** ![terentii](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/terentii/32/212_2.png) [@terentii](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/terentii)\ **Post date:** [January 2, 2014, 12:21am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-dirty-jokes-rhymes-songs-from-childhood/344902/134 "2014-01-02T00:21:26Z")
Confucius say: He who fart in church sit in own pew. Woman who slide down banister rail get slivers, by cracky! Man with hand in pocket feel pretty cocky. ---
**Author:** ![terentii](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/terentii/32/212_2.png) [@terentii](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/terentii)\ **Post date:** [May 12, 2014, 3:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-dirty-jokes-rhymes-songs-from-childhood/344902/135 "2014-05-12T15:50:04Z")
> [@sqweels](#): > > _Daniel Boone was a man > He was a biiiiig man > But the bear was a-bigger > So he ran like a [African-American person] > Up a tree!_ True story, swear to God: I wrote the following when I was a sophomore in high school and sang it for a dude at summer camp (this was back in 1972): _Daniel Boone was a fag! Yes, a BIG fag! With an eye for the fellers and a rod like a mighty oak tree! Daniel Boone was a fag! Yes, a BIG fag! He was gay, he was swishy, and as queer as a fishwife was he! From the pink beret on the top of old Dan to the toe of his his high-heeled shoe, the gayest, sweetest, horniest swish the Frontier ever knew! Daniel Boone was a fag! Yes, a BIG fag! [ALTERNATIVE ENDING 1] And he’d walk through the forest just to look for an Injun to lay! What a queer, what a homo, what a queen, what a pervert! How fey! [ALTERNATIVE ENDING 2] And he fought for America, to make all Americans gay! What a queer, what a homo, what a queen, what a pervert! How fey!_\* The next year, I went back to the same camp and heard another guy singing it verbatim. “Hey!” I said. “I wrote that song!” “No, you didn’t!” he replied. “A guy named \_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_ at my school [the same guy I had taught it to the year before] wrote it!” \*With profuse apologies to our beloved homosexual community of today, of course! ---
**Author:** ![terentii](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/terentii/32/212_2.png) [@terentii](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/terentii)\ **Post date:** [May 12, 2014, 3:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-dirty-jokes-rhymes-songs-from-childhood/344902/136 "2014-05-12T15:54:19Z")
> [@BrotherCadfael](#): > > This one’ll get you suspended, if not arrested, nowadays! > [INDENT]_Glory, Glory, Hallelujah! > Teacher hit me with a ruler, > Got behind the door with a loaded .44, > She ain’t gonna teach no more!_ _Glory, glory, hallelujah! Teacher hit me with a ruler! Shot her with a six-shooter! Never gonna go to school!_ ---
**Author:** ![Eastlight](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/13edae/32.png) [@Eastlight](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Eastlight)\ **Post date:** [August 20, 2014, 12:43am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-dirty-jokes-rhymes-songs-from-childhood/344902/137 "2014-08-20T00:43:40Z")
There was a young man from Nantucket With a dick so long he could suck it He said with a grin As he wiped off his chin If my ear was a cunt I could fuck it. There was a young man from Australia Who has his ass painted like a Dahlia The color was fine As was the design But the aroma That was a failure. (from the movie “Breaker Morant”) ---
**Author:** ![BrotherCadfael](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/977dab/32.png) [@BrotherCadfael](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BrotherCadfael)\ **Post date:** [August 20, 2014, 1:00am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-dirty-jokes-rhymes-songs-from-childhood/344902/138 "2014-08-20T01:00:28Z")
_Squeeze it, tease it, Bang it on the floor. Wrap it 'round the bedpost, Slam it in the door!_ ---
**Author:** ![Eastlight](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/13edae/32.png) [@Eastlight](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Eastlight)\ **Post date:** [August 20, 2014, 1:02am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-dirty-jokes-rhymes-songs-from-childhood/344902/139 "2014-08-20T01:02:43Z")
In school, little Johnny kept calling his teacher Miss Pussy. Every time he spoke her name the teacher corrected him saying, “Johnny, my name is Prussy, not Pussy.” During the day, despite numerous corrections about the pronunciation of the teacher’s name, little Johnny continued saying things like, “Miss Pussy, I need to go to the bathroom.” “Miss Pussy, I know the answer.” Finally, Miss Prussy made little Johnny stay after school and told him, “I want you to go home tonight and remember my name is Miss Prussy.” “I want you to repeat to yourself all night tonight, ‘Prussy, pussy with an R, Prussy, pussy with an R, pussy with an R’” So little Johnny did that all night, “pussy with an R, pussy with an R, pussy with an R…” The next morning little Johnny walks into class and the teacher says, “Good morning Johnny.” Little Johnny replies, “Good morning Miss Crunt.” ---
**Author:** ![Eastlight](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/13edae/32.png) [@Eastlight](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Eastlight)\ **Post date:** [August 20, 2014, 1:11am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-dirty-jokes-rhymes-songs-from-childhood/344902/140 "2014-08-20T01:11:34Z")
BrotherCadfael wrote first verse To the ending tune of Tarantella Squeeze it, tease it, Bang it on the floor. Wrap it 'round the bedpost, Slam it in the door! I knew a friend that knew a friend that said that intercourse was grand; If you do not mind I think I’ll take my sex by hand. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-dirty-jokes-rhymes-songs-from-childhood/344902.md?page=6) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-dirty-jokes-rhymes-songs-from-childhood/344902.md?page=8)