# Best Doper Quote You Wish You Had Said **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [February 27, 2005, 5:07am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-doper-quote-you-wish-you-had-said/292126 "2005-02-27T05:07:16Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 18\ **Page:** 4
**Author:** ![lieu](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/c2a13f/32.png) [@lieu](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/lieu)\ **Post date:** [March 9, 2005, 8:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-doper-quote-you-wish-you-had-said/292126/61 "2005-03-09T20:38:38Z")
**Jarbaby’s** thread about some guy scratching his nuts on the bus was titled something to the effect of “You, Sir, with the balls”. ---
**Author:** ![InvidiousCourgette](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/e47c2d/32.png) [@InvidiousCourgette](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/InvidiousCourgette)\ **Post date:** [March 10, 2005, 1:29am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-doper-quote-you-wish-you-had-said/292126/62 "2005-03-10T01:29:40Z")
Hey, I got a shout! One that made me laugh recently was **Hamadryad** ’s observation that: _for a few months now every time I have seen the phrase “class act” (or any permutations thereof) I have mentally substituted “pile of shit.” At least 4/5 of the time it ends up being far more accurate than the former_ ---
**Author:** ![chukhung](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/e79b87/32.png) [@chukhung](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/chukhung)\ **Post date:** [March 10, 2005, 1:41am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-doper-quote-you-wish-you-had-said/292126/63 "2005-03-10T01:41:22Z")
> [@WhiteyFoo](#): > > I am known to throw out an occational “Masturbating like a Mother F\*(k” in real life. I get looks of baffelment. But one day I’ll get that look of understanding, and it will all be worth it. I just wish that I could be the originator of that precious gem. > > Of course, I can’t remember who the thread was from, sorry. **Muad’Dib** started the [thread](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?t=241922) that first used that immortal phrase but he disclaimed authorship > [@](#): > > I do not know who said this. I do not know why. ---
**Author:** ![Baggins111](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/9fc29f/32.png) [@Baggins111](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Baggins111)\ **Post date:** [March 10, 2005, 3:54am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-doper-quote-you-wish-you-had-said/292126/64 "2005-03-10T03:54:06Z")
To this day I still use the phrase “gang of blind monkeys drunk on Kahlua” from the [Random Box of Evil](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?t=188359&highlight=blind+monkeys+drunk) thread a few years back. ---
**Author:** ![gaffa](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/e68b1a/32.png) [@gaffa](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/gaffa)\ **Post date:** [July 5, 2018, 6:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-doper-quote-you-wish-you-had-said/292126/65 "2018-07-05T18:59:19Z")
Yes, I know it is a zombie thread, but it popped up when I was searching for a particular quote about working for a corporation: “You’re probably going to spend ten, twenty, or more years of your life working for a company that’d kill you and sell your organs if it got the CEO a third gold-plated bathtub for himself and his hookers.” – GMRyujin 29April04 My contribution is how **Lieu** described [being wacked in the balls](https://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?t=474869): It’s like if a monkey crawled in through your anus to punch you in the throat. ---
**Author:** ![Shodan](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/9f8e36/32.png) [@Shodan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Shodan)\ **Post date:** [July 5, 2018, 7:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-doper-quote-you-wish-you-had-said/292126/66 "2018-07-05T19:12:28Z")
The dear departed **Diogenes the Cynic** , about some woman with 17 children > [@](#): > > That’s not a vagina - it’s a clown car. Some Doper on **Opal** ’s Page-O-Flames > [@](#): > > I will treat your post as it deserves, as soon as I find a printer that can handle soft, absorbent paper. Regards, Shodan ---
**Author:** ![Crazy\_Canuck](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/crazy_canuck/32/5282_2.png) [@Crazy\_Canuck](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Crazy_Canuck)\ **Post date:** [July 5, 2018, 7:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-doper-quote-you-wish-you-had-said/292126/67 "2018-07-05T19:31:32Z")
> [@Ludovic](#): > > There’s always **Cervaise** ’s “I have [a butthole] too, but that doesn’t mean I want a running jigsaw inserted into it.” I’ve had someone beat me to the punch and post the exact thought I was having more than once, but I’ve never seen someone beat me to the punch by thirteen years before. I’ve gotten a surprising amount of use out of this phrase over the years. ---
**Author:** ![John\_Mace](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/john_mace/32/185_2.png) [@John\_Mace](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/John_Mace)\ **Post date:** [July 5, 2018, 7:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-doper-quote-you-wish-you-had-said/292126/68 "2018-07-05T19:40:55Z")
I laughed so hard at this thread title I almost hurt myself: [Why is my dog so thin? Fuck you, that’s why.](https://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?t=662850) ---
**Author:** ![gaffa](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/e68b1a/32.png) [@gaffa](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/gaffa)\ **Post date:** [July 5, 2018, 8:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-doper-quote-you-wish-you-had-said/292126/69 "2018-07-05T20:05:39Z")
On [a thread about the world’s most ugly car,](https://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?t=447959) Terrifel posted: > [@](#): > > Ugly?! Bah. Give me one of those and I’d never drive anything else. It’s like a self-contained parade! The grille could use a little sparking up, that’s all. Otherwise it’s a masterpiece of automotive eccentricity straight out of a Terry Gilliam film. > > I am a bit surprised to note that the vehicle was apparently produced as a prototype ‘safety car,’ when it’s quite obviously better designed as a ‘car that is virtually guaranteed to kill you in any number of horrible ways.’ Who on Earth could possibly look at that thing and imagine that it’s anything other than a total deathtrap? “For reasons of safety, the driver’s head is ensconced in a bubble turret on the roof, so that in the event of a rollover it will be sheared off cleanly and thrown clear of the wreck.” ---
**Author:** ![Annie-Xmas](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/ecc23a/32.png) [@Annie-Xmas](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Annie-Xmas)\ **Post date:** [July 5, 2018, 8:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-doper-quote-you-wish-you-had-said/292126/70 "2018-07-05T20:15:02Z")
> [@Shodan](#): > > The dear departed **Diogenes the Cynic** , about some woman with 17 children I believe the actual quote was “Someone should tell her it’s a vagina, not a clown car.” When I was in real estate, I would use it for people who came to us looking for an apartment on subsidy for them and their ten or more children. ETA: The “banhattan” one always makes me laugh. ---
**Author:** ![Annie-Xmas](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/ecc23a/32.png) [@Annie-Xmas](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Annie-Xmas)\ **Post date:** [July 5, 2018, 8:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-doper-quote-you-wish-you-had-said/292126/71 "2018-07-05T20:22:42Z")
It took a bit of searching, but [here](https://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?s=&postid=2744860#post2744860) is the original “banhattan” thread. ---
**Author:** ![burpo\_the\_wonder\_mutt](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/burpo_the_wonder_mutt/32/365_2.png) [@burpo\_the\_wonder\_mutt](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/burpo_the_wonder_mutt)\ **Post date:** [July 5, 2018, 10:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-doper-quote-you-wish-you-had-said/292126/72 "2018-07-05T22:41:50Z")
I always liked Cecil’s, “If ignorance were cornflakes, you’d be General Mills.” ---
**Author:** ![elfkin477](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/a9a28c/32.png) [@elfkin477](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/elfkin477)\ **Post date:** [July 5, 2018, 11:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-doper-quote-you-wish-you-had-said/292126/73 "2018-07-05T23:52:54Z")
I wish I’d said: > [@oh...my...fucking...god](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/oh-my-fucking-god/164768/7): > > I think the US military has more effective ways of clearing mine fields than single-use monkeys. ---
**Author:** ![Qadgop\_the\_Mercotan](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/qadgop_the_mercotan/32/83_2.png) [@Qadgop\_the\_Mercotan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Qadgop_the_Mercotan)\ **Post date:** [July 6, 2018, 12:29am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-doper-quote-you-wish-you-had-said/292126/74 "2018-07-06T00:29:48Z")
Wow, I even forgot I said that in the OP’s quote. “May the agony of your death be exceeded only by the glory of my countenance”. And the only place I find that quote on Google is where it’s attributed to me. Did I really make that up? Wow. ---
**Author:** ![elbows](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/b3f665/32.png) [@elbows](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/elbows)\ **Post date:** [July 6, 2018, 12:47am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-doper-quote-you-wish-you-had-said/292126/75 "2018-07-06T00:47:29Z")
“Tastes like Leprechaun, only gamier!” ---
**Author:** ![kambuckta](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/53a042/32.png) [@kambuckta](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kambuckta)\ **Post date:** [July 6, 2018, 2:20am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-doper-quote-you-wish-you-had-said/292126/76 "2018-07-06T02:20:37Z")
**Wilson** , [in this thread, second post.](https://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?t=609154) Still remember it after all this time. 😃 ---
**Author:** ![peccavi](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/peccavi/32/388_2.png) [@peccavi](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/peccavi)\ **Post date:** [July 6, 2018, 2:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-doper-quote-you-wish-you-had-said/292126/77 "2018-07-06T14:15:42Z")
I wish I was as good with a comeback as a six year old. From a classic holiday dinner [thread](https://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?t=345430): Wendy: Ben is stupid. Ben: Shut up, YOU’RE stupid. Wendy: Ben’s a stupid head. Ben: Oh really? Who got a high distinction in the Australian maths AND science competitions, scoring in the top 1%? HUH? **Wendy: … (quietly) Ben eats stupid food for breakfast.** ---
**Author:** ![stanger](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/7ba0ec/32.png) [@stanger](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/stanger)\ **Post date:** [July 10, 2018, 3:50am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-doper-quote-you-wish-you-had-said/292126/78 "2018-07-10T03:50:22Z")
Back in 2012, there was a thread about the death of Whitney Houston and the hard life she had and the bad men in her life. In reference to one of these men, Sampiro offered this one-line post — “If this guy’s Raggedy Ann could talk, we’d all run in horror at the reason for those patches.” I enjoyed many, many threads and stories from Sampiro over the years, and his writings are some of the best I have seen here, but that line really struck me and stayed with me over the years. I can only wish that I could write so well. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-doper-quote-you-wish-you-had-said/292126.md?page=3)