# Best dumb criminal stories **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [February 18, 2009, 4:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-dumb-criminal-stories/486407 "2009-02-18T16:18:46Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 3
**Author:** ![AllWalker](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/db5fbb/32.png) [@AllWalker](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AllWalker)\ **Post date:** [February 19, 2009, 10:48am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-dumb-criminal-stories/486407/41 "2009-02-19T10:48:52Z")
This one is not stupid as such, but highlights the difficulties that arise from cultural differences. In America, if someone refers to “bills,” there is a good chance they are refering to paper money. For example, a one dollar bill. In Australia, paper money is refered to as “notes”. A twenty dollar note, for example. In Australia, a bill is something that you need to pay, for example your electricity bill, your medical bill or your **bank bill**. So if an American robber walks into an Australian bank, whips out a gun and screams “Give me all of your bills!” he should not be surprised if the teller starts laughing. And once they start laughing, that’s it, you might as well just walk away. True story. ---
**Author:** ![Marlitharn](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/779978/32.png) [@Marlitharn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Marlitharn)\ **Post date:** [February 19, 2009, 12:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-dumb-criminal-stories/486407/42 "2009-02-19T12:41:45Z")
Several years ago I took a call from a drunk moron who was all kinds of happy and gloating and chuckling because he knew there was a warrant out for his arrest, but we didn’t know where he was! We’d never find him, 'cause he was _hiding_! Rule #1: If you’re in hiding, don’t call 911 from your house phone to taunt law enforcement. The deputy who went to arrest him said the look on his face when he opened the door was priceless. ---
**Author:** ![Loach](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/loach/32/350_2.png) [@Loach](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Loach)\ **Post date:** [February 19, 2009, 1:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-dumb-criminal-stories/486407/43 "2009-02-19T13:50:14Z")
> [@AllWalker](#): > > In Australia, a bill is something that you need to pay, for example your electricity bill, your medical bill or your **bank bill**. In America bill means exactly the same thing. I think proper etiquette for bank robbers is to yell, “Give me all the fucking money.” ---
**Author:** ![tdn](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/94ad74/32.png) [@tdn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tdn)\ **Post date:** [February 19, 2009, 2:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-dumb-criminal-stories/486407/44 "2009-02-19T14:26:12Z")
> [@Stealth\_Potato](#): > > I mean, quite aside from the difficulty inherent in trying to pass a $100 bill that has George Washington’s face on it? :dubious: A lot of people just look at the numbers and ignore the portrait. When I was in training to become a bank teller, we were told to ignore the numbers and count the portraits, specifically because of this scam. During the course of my banking career, I can’t tell you how many times I received large bills with a corner cut off. And yes, we had to take them. There are specific laws governing how much of a partial bill constitutes a full bill. If three corners are present, it’s money. ---
**Author:** ![Max\_Torque](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/e9bcb4/32.png) [@Max\_Torque](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Max_Torque)\ **Post date:** [February 19, 2009, 3:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-dumb-criminal-stories/486407/45 "2009-02-19T15:12:51Z")
> [@tdn](#): > > A lot of people just look at the numbers and ignore the portrait. When I was in training to become a bank teller, we were told to ignore the numbers and count the portraits, specifically because of this scam. There was a trick shown in, I think, **The Grifters** that used a nice bit of misdirection. As I recall, it went something like this: guy goes into a bar, calls over the bartender, and orders a drink while holding up a twice-folded $20 bill with the “20” plainly visible. Bartender pours the drink. Meanwhile, the con man quickly swaps the twenty for a ten, also folded twice, but with the “10” hidden by his fingers. With only one quarter of the back of the bill visible, and the treasury building on the ten looking an awful lot like the White House on the twenty, the bartender just presumes it’s the same bill and gives the guy change for a $20 without taking a second glance. I did have a defendant recently who was arrested for giving a false name to the police, twice, on two consecutive days. It just baffled me; I mean, this is a small town, the police just saw you _yesterday_, and you think you can get away with giving them a fake name today? ---
**Author:** ![Annie-Xmas](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/ecc23a/32.png) [@Annie-Xmas](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Annie-Xmas)\ **Post date:** [February 19, 2009, 3:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-dumb-criminal-stories/486407/46 "2009-02-19T15:12:55Z")
There was a case in a town next to me when someone noticed two guys loading things into a van in a very ritzy neighborhood. The guy got on his car phone (this was before cell phones) and followed the guys through four towns before the police got them in a road block. It took a half hour. Too stupid to notice that after you had killed someone and ransacked his house someone was following you while talking on their car phone? That’s stupid. ---
**Author:** ![ArrMatey](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/arrmatey/32/3522_2.png) [@ArrMatey](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ArrMatey)\ **Post date:** [February 19, 2009, 3:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-dumb-criminal-stories/486407/47 "2009-02-19T15:48:09Z")
Friend of mine was doing ride-along training with paramedics, and they made a stop to help out a woman who’d reported having an asthma attack. During the routine question-and-answer session post-help, they asked her what she was doing prior to the attack. She said she’d been smoking. “You really shouldn’t smoke if you have asthma.” “Well, crack has never affected me like this before…” (It was after this story that I translated some latin for a patch for my buddy: “Saving every life, no matter how worthless.” Apparently it became a bit of a hit amongst his new co-workers.) ---
**Author:** ![Rocketeer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/rocketeer/32/4437_2.png) [@Rocketeer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rocketeer)\ **Post date:** [February 19, 2009, 4:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-dumb-criminal-stories/486407/48 "2009-02-19T16:02:54Z")
Here in the great Northwest, we just had a case where a guy was working in his basement, and heard burglars entering his house and walking around upstairs. He sneaks out of the basement, goes around in front of his house, and there’s a big white van with the engine running. He jumps into the burglars’ van and drives it a few blocks away, then calls the police. The burglars were a bit nonplussed when they came out to see that their getaway vehicle was gone… ---
**Author:** ![Kyla](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/eada6e/32.png) [@Kyla](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kyla)\ **Post date:** [February 19, 2009, 4:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-dumb-criminal-stories/486407/49 "2009-02-19T16:16:45Z")
> [@AllWalker](#): > > So if an American robber walks into an Australian bank, whips out a gun and screams “Give me all of your bills!” he should not be surprised if the teller starts laughing. And once they start laughing, that’s it, you might as well just walk away. > > True story. I’m sorry, but can you provide a cite for this? I’ve never actually seen a bank robbery, so maybe I’m wrong, but this is not normal American English. People do refer to “one-dollar bills” but it sounds very weird to call a large amount of money “bills”. I think the normal phrase would just be “money”. ---
**Author:** ![tdn](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/94ad74/32.png) [@tdn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tdn)\ **Post date:** [February 19, 2009, 4:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-dumb-criminal-stories/486407/50 "2009-02-19T16:21:07Z")
> [@Kyla](#): > > I’m sorry, but can you provide a cite for this? I’ve never actually seen a bank robbery, I’ve been involved in five of them. Standard American English for a holdup note is apparently “give me al the mony or ill bloe yor hed of.” ---
**Author:** ![OttoDaFe](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ottodafe/32/356_2.png) [@OttoDaFe](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/OttoDaFe)\ **Post date:** [February 19, 2009, 4:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-dumb-criminal-stories/486407/51 "2009-02-19T16:39:20Z")
Burglars hit the company that I used to work for, taking (among other things) half a dozen computer terminals and keyboards. They tried to fob them off on a pawnshop as PC’s, but bugged out when asked where the rest of the equipment was. Later in the day the pawnshop owner got a routine report about the stolen terminals and called the police (yeah, I had a bit of a problem believing that myself). While an officer was in the shop, **in uniform** , **with his marked car outside** , in walked the perps to “reclaim” their stuff. Promptly fingered by the owner, they were promptly busted and hauled off. Never heard whether they were taken directly to jail or stopped at an optician’s on the way. ---
**Author:** ![fireman](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/71c47a/32.png) [@fireman](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/fireman)\ **Post date:** [February 19, 2009, 4:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-dumb-criminal-stories/486407/52 "2009-02-19T16:59:05Z")
> [@Ale](#): > > This one wins, so far. I mean, laser pointer burglars is very stupid, but the quoted one requires less cognitive power than a dried up cactus. > > One of my favourites is the bank robber that got trapped inside the bank because he kept pushing the exit door that had a big label saying PULL. WOW! Most of my past posts have been thread killers. Thanks for declaring this one (your selection for) winner! ---
**Author:** ![Khampelf](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/8e7dd6/32.png) [@Khampelf](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Khampelf)\ **Post date:** [February 19, 2009, 5:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-dumb-criminal-stories/486407/53 "2009-02-19T17:09:36Z")
> [@fireman](#): > > WOW! Most of my past posts have been thread killers. Thanks for declaring this one (your selection for) winner! Your ‘trying to open the safe with a laser pointer’ story reminds me of one that involved the thieves going after the safe with actual industrial equipment (also stolen). But they had welding equipment, not a plasma cutter, as they thought. It took the staff several hours to get into the welded shut safe in the morning. ---
**Author:** ![MichaelJohnBertrand](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/dfb087/32.png) [@MichaelJohnBertrand](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MichaelJohnBertrand)\ **Post date:** [February 19, 2009, 6:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-dumb-criminal-stories/486407/54 "2009-02-19T18:03:08Z")
I once read a story of a group of master criminals who very carefully planned their bank robbery, casing the joint, figuring out who could open the vault, how long it would take. etc etc. They had it all figured out, except for a few key details. 1. This bank was across the street from the local regional FBI HQ. 2. The day they picked to rob the bank was payday 3. The time they picked coincided with lunchtime for the FBI agents. So as they story goes, our masterminds got as far as yelling "This is a stick… " before hearing the clicks of a half dozen safeties clicking off as all the FBI agents waiting in line at the bank drew their weapons. I have no idea if this story is true, but it’s an amusing one, regardless. ---
**Author:** ![fireman](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/71c47a/32.png) [@fireman](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/fireman)\ **Post date:** [February 20, 2009, 1:53am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-dumb-criminal-stories/486407/55 "2009-02-20T01:53:51Z")
> [@Khampelf](#): > > Your ‘trying to open the safe with a laser pointer’ story reminds me of one that involved the thieves going after the safe with actual industrial equipment (also stolen). But they had welding equipment, not a plasma cutter, as they thought. It took the staff several hours to get into the welded shut safe in the morning. Quote: Originally Posted by Apocalypso View Post When I moved furniture a long time ago, we moved a corrections officer for a juvenile prison that had some pretty crazy stories. One of them involved a teenager who robbed a 7-11 wearing a mask that completely covered his face…and his high school football jacket with his name and number on it… This also happened in the town where I was a Police Officer. The dummy wore his jacket, with his name, and his mom worked in the store. Well, I can’t claim the laser pointer story, but I do seem to remember some young crook wannabees that tried to blow a safe open…by taping M-80 firecrackers to it. :dubious: And while the safe was only a small under-counter type, it still didn’t work.😃 ---
**Author:** ![postcards](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/8e8cbc/32.png) [@postcards](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/postcards)\ **Post date:** [February 20, 2009, 3:45am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-dumb-criminal-stories/486407/56 "2009-02-20T03:45:24Z")
I really never expected to be the one to come up with [this link](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BmJoJOlEh3M), I thought sure I’d see it by now… ---
**Author:** ![Askance](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/askance/32/8281_2.png) [@Askance](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Askance)\ **Post date:** [February 20, 2009, 4:07am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-dumb-criminal-stories/486407/57 "2009-02-20T04:07:39Z")
Damn you **postcards**! I read the whole damn thread and was safe until the last post. To titilate, that link is the one I put in my thread titled **Warner Bros comes to the world of New Zealand Crime**. ---
**Author:** ![MichaelJohnBertrand](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/dfb087/32.png) [@MichaelJohnBertrand](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MichaelJohnBertrand)\ **Post date:** [February 20, 2009, 4:24am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-dumb-criminal-stories/486407/58 "2009-02-20T04:24:42Z")
> [@postcards](#): > > I really never expected to be the one to come up with [this link](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BmJoJOlEh3M), I thought sure I’d see it by now… I agree. No fair. You win this thread. Instantly. ---
**Author:** ![Siam\_Sam](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/d78d45/32.png) [@Siam\_Sam](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Siam_Sam)\ **Post date:** [February 20, 2009, 5:24am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-dumb-criminal-stories/486407/59 "2009-02-20T05:24:33Z")
I recall a case here in Thailand where a large amount of money went missing from a bank. They’d just started an investigation when an employee showed up driving an expensive sports car and wearing lots of gold, claiming he’d won the lottery. You can guess how this turned out. ---
**Author:** ![MichaelJohnBertrand](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/dfb087/32.png) [@MichaelJohnBertrand](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MichaelJohnBertrand)\ **Post date:** [February 20, 2009, 7:36am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-dumb-criminal-stories/486407/60 "2009-02-20T07:36:14Z")
> [@Siam\_Sam](#): > > I recall a case here in Thailand where a large amount of money went missing from a bank. They’d just started an investigation when an employee showed up driving an expensive sports car and wearing lots of gold, claiming he’d won the lottery. You can guess how this turned out. LOL. Smooth dude, real smooth. 🙂 [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-dumb-criminal-stories/486407.md?page=2) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-dumb-criminal-stories/486407.md?page=4)