# Best dumb criminal stories **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [February 18, 2009, 4:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-dumb-criminal-stories/486407 "2009-02-18T16:18:46Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 4
**Author:** ![Annie-Xmas](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/ecc23a/32.png) [@Annie-Xmas](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Annie-Xmas)\ **Post date:** [February 20, 2009, 1:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-dumb-criminal-stories/486407/61 "2009-02-20T13:21:30Z")
[Christopher Green](http://query.nytimes.com/gst/fullpage.html?res=990CEEDA173EF930A15750C0A963958260&sec=&spon=&pagewanted=all) wasn’t the smartest person around. Go to a place that fired you, shoot four people, then steal a bunch of money and postal money orders, then pay your backdue rent with stolen postal money orders. ---
**Author:** ![MichaelJohnBertrand](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/dfb087/32.png) [@MichaelJohnBertrand](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MichaelJohnBertrand)\ **Post date:** [February 20, 2009, 3:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-dumb-criminal-stories/486407/62 "2009-02-20T15:13:08Z")
I wonder if the really dumb ones, dumb enough to make the news, have an especially rough time of it in prison. “Hey look, everyone, the new fish is in the newspaper… says he wrote the ransom note on the back of his water bill… I know, we’ll call you Wet Wayne from now on!” ---
**Author:** ![Beadalin](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/3be4f8/32.png) [@Beadalin](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Beadalin)\ **Post date:** [February 20, 2009, 3:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-dumb-criminal-stories/486407/63 "2009-02-20T15:44:21Z")
Howsabout the [worst liquor store robbery attempt ever](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=azAbEjDzexs)? (Warning: has stupid music in it for some reason.) ---
**Author:** ![What\_Exit](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/what_exit/32/10652_2.png) [@What\_Exit](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/What_Exit)\ **Post date:** [February 20, 2009, 4:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-dumb-criminal-stories/486407/64 "2009-02-20T16:00:15Z")
I’ll relate a local story that might be urban myth or exaggerated in parts. This happened back in the 80s, I think in 1985. A couple of gangbangers were returning from visiting friends at the Shore and realized they did not have money left for gas and tolls. It was late at night and little was open driving North on Rt. 35. Now there is an oddity in Middletown, NJ on route 35. The highway divides around a gas station and a Dunkin’ Donuts. These two decide that robbing the Dunkin’ Donuts will be easy. There are two things they did not know. The Middletown Cops have the local rep as the toughest cops in the area and that Dunkin’ Donuts is only a few hundred feet away. The Middletown cops are constantly in and out of this Dunkin’ Donuts. So the would be robbers walk in and threaten the clerk. They did not realize that two officers were in the shop and as these two were reaction another pair walked in. The robbers had 4 guns trained on them before they knew what was going on and shortly after they surrendered another 4 police officers arrived. This map shows how close they are: A is the rough location of the police station and the building in the middle of route 35 with the parking spots is Dunkin’ Donuts. [Google Maps](http://maps.google.com/maps?q=middletown,+NJ+Police+station&oe=utf8&hl=en&ie=UTF8&ll=40.392981,-74.101737&spn=0.002284,0.005273&t=h&z=18) The question of their intelligence is mostly on how they didn’t observe the police officers in the shop. I’ve heard they were off duty or that they were sitting in a corner and were just missed. ---
**Author:** ![Annie-Xmas](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/ecc23a/32.png) [@Annie-Xmas](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Annie-Xmas)\ **Post date:** [February 20, 2009, 5:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-dumb-criminal-stories/486407/65 "2009-02-20T17:01:28Z")
My friend the cop and I were on line at a store, standing right behind a guy trying to use a credit card. He seemed really nervous and when the sales clerk said “Sir, there is a problem with your card,” he turned around and started to run for it. My friend the cop tripped him, put his gun out and said “Police. Freeze.” Just like a movie. The guy trying to use the stolen credit card said “This is not my day.” ---
**Author:** ![Avarie537](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/48db29/32.png) [@Avarie537](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Avarie537)\ **Post date:** [February 20, 2009, 5:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-dumb-criminal-stories/486407/66 "2009-02-20T17:14:34Z")
This thread is the reason why “The Smoking Gun Presents: World’s Dumbest XXX” is my new favorite TV show! Twenty different idiots, with commentary from such former celebrities as Gary Busey, Danny Bonaduce, Todd Bridges, and Tonya Harding. They do criminals, drivers, partiers, employees, daredevils … all kinds of fun stuff. My personal favorite right now is a guy who stole his girlfriend’s mom’s checkbook, forged a check and tried to cash it. The big tip-off to the teller was that the check was made out for $360,000,000. That’s right - three hundred and sixty BILLION dollars! ---
**Author:** ![Valgard](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/v/7feea3/32.png) [@Valgard](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Valgard)\ **Post date:** [February 20, 2009, 5:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-dumb-criminal-stories/486407/67 "2009-02-20T17:38:24Z")
> [@Avarie537](#): > > The big tip-off to the teller was that the check was made out for $360,000,000. That’s right - three hundred and sixty BILLION dollars! You’re gonna feel silly in a second. 😃 ---
**Author:** ![Floppy\_Joe](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/3bc359/32.png) [@Floppy\_Joe](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Floppy_Joe)\ **Post date:** [February 20, 2009, 6:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-dumb-criminal-stories/486407/68 "2009-02-20T18:27:07Z")
> [@valgard](#): > > you’re gonna feel silly in a second. > > :d roflmao!!! ---
**Author:** ![jali](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/ecae2f/32.png) [@jali](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/jali)\ **Post date:** [February 20, 2009, 6:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-dumb-criminal-stories/486407/69 "2009-02-20T18:33:49Z")
I giggled. ---
**Author:** ![Clothahump](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/51bf81/32.png) [@Clothahump](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Clothahump)\ **Post date:** [February 20, 2009, 7:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-dumb-criminal-stories/486407/70 "2009-02-20T19:15:07Z")
And never admit to the officer who pulled you over that you are drunk. [![](https://i.ytimg.com/vi/3UneV8y9n90/hqdefault.jpg "DUI: Dancing Under the Influence") ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3UneV8y9n90) ---
**Author:** ![Anaamika](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/5f9b8f/32.png) [@Anaamika](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Anaamika)\ **Post date:** [February 20, 2009, 7:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-dumb-criminal-stories/486407/71 "2009-02-20T19:55:24Z")
Not as dumb as some others, but we had a lady recently rob our local KeyBank. Stuck up the workers, then took the money, and… _walked_ out. I mean, her getaway vehicle was what my family calls “Bus No. 11”, i.e., your two legs. The KeyBank is in Albany, on Central Avenue, one of our busier streets. It was broad daylight. They caught her a few blocks away, still trying to walk…home? Not sure. ---
**Author:** ![postcards](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/8e8cbc/32.png) [@postcards](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/postcards)\ **Post date:** [February 20, 2009, 9:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-dumb-criminal-stories/486407/72 "2009-02-20T21:42:22Z")
> [@Clothahump](#): > > And never admit to the officer who pulled you over that you are drunk. > > [http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3UneV8y9n90](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3UneV8y9n90) You realize this is from _Reno 911_, right? ---
**Author:** ![Projammer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/projammer/32/559_2.png) [@Projammer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Projammer)\ **Post date:** [February 20, 2009, 10:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-dumb-criminal-stories/486407/73 "2009-02-20T22:53:13Z")
I’m about to have to leave so I’ll apologize if this one has already been posted. [Baggy pants bad idea.](http://apnews.excite.com/article/20090218/D96E6NJO0.html) ---
**Author:** ![Siam\_Sam](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/d78d45/32.png) [@Siam\_Sam](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Siam_Sam)\ **Post date:** [February 21, 2009, 12:31am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-dumb-criminal-stories/486407/74 "2009-02-21T00:31:39Z")
> [@Siam\_Sam](#): > > I recall a case here in Thailand where a large amount of money went missing from a bank. They’d just started an investigation when an employee showed up driving an expensive sports car and wearing lots of gold, claiming he’d won the lottery. You can guess how this turned out. And of course, there was the Danish bank robber on the lam and hiding in Thailand about 20 years ago. He fell head over heels in love with a Thai bargirl and gave her the loot for safekeeping. She promptly disappeared. Suddenly penniless and unable to move on, Interpol finally caught up with him, and he was extradited back to Denmark. The girl and the money were never seen again. (It’s stories like this that keep lots of girls entering the profession.) ---
**Author:** ![Tixenfleaz](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/e9a140/32.png) [@Tixenfleaz](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tixenfleaz)\ **Post date:** [February 21, 2009, 1:40am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-dumb-criminal-stories/486407/75 "2009-02-21T01:40:53Z")
On the spur of the moment, a friend of mine decided to steal a six pack of beer from a convenience store, inconveniently forgetting that his girlfriend had just borrowed the store’s bathroom keys. He took off, and the clerk walked outside and simply locked her in the bathroom. After he realized what had happened, he returned to find the clerk, his girlfriend, and the police waiting for him. He’s actually a smart guy, and ended up doing very well for himself. But still… ---
**Author:** ![Cyberhwk](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/7993a0/32.png) [@Cyberhwk](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cyberhwk)\ **Post date:** [February 21, 2009, 1:53am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-dumb-criminal-stories/486407/76 "2009-02-21T01:53:10Z")
[Criminal knocks out his own accomplice, then himself.](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gcE106AMOWA&feature=related) ---
**Author:** ![Mops](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/mops/32/16494_2.png) [@Mops](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mops)\ **Post date:** [February 21, 2009, 2:12am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-dumb-criminal-stories/486407/77 "2009-02-21T02:12:12Z")
In the paper here one or two months ago: criminals breaking into the self-service lobby of a bank branch in a small Bavarian town at night. Said lobby housed an ATM and a self-service account statement printer. They laboriously cracked open the latter. ---
**Author:** ![Tim\_T-Bonham.net](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/46a35a/32.png) [@Tim\_T-Bonham.net](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tim_T-Bonham.net)\ **Post date:** [February 21, 2009, 7:49am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-dumb-criminal-stories/486407/78 "2009-02-21T07:49:14Z")
> [@AllWalker](#): > > he should not be surprised if the teller starts laughing. And once they start laughing, that’s it, you might as well just walk away. Or if the teller goes in bureaucratic mode. A story I remember from when I worked in a major bank chain: An would-be robber walked into the bank, and up to an older woman teller, who’s been there for years and seen it all. Holding one hand inside his jacket pocket and poking out the front of the cloth, he passes her a note “This is a stickup. Give me all your cash.” Dialog then goes: Teller: “Sir, do you have an account at our bank?” Robber: “No.” Teller: “Well, I can’t give you any cash unless you have an account with us.” Robber: “What?” Teller: “I can only give out cash if you have an account with us. Or if you have ID. Do you have 2 pieces of ID, one with a photo?” Robber: “No, I don’t have any ID with me.” Teller: “Then I’m sorry, but I can’t give you any cash.” Robber: “But this is a stickup. I’ve got a gun!” (though he didn’t show one.) Teller: “Does it have your name on it? Otherwise it doesn’t count as Identification.” Robber: “But this is a stickup! Give me all your cash!” Teller: “I’m sorry, but bank rules are that I can only give cash if you have an account with us.” Robber: “Well that’s a stupid rule!” Teller: “I don’t make the rules, sir. I just have to follow them. Would you like to open an account with us?” Robber: “No, I wouldn’t! All of your stupid rules!” (yelling) “This is no way to treat a customer! I’m gonna to go to another bank, and I’m never going to come back into this damn bank again!” Robber storms out, waving both hands in the air and muttering. Just a few minutes before police arrived (the teller had stepped on her silent alarm as soon as she read the note). We heard that a competing bank, just a couple of blocks away, was robbed later that same morning. Presumably by this same person. We also heard that the teller told other employees that she was just in a bad mood that morning, and this jerk reminded her of her ex-husband, so she just wasn’t going to help him at all. P.S. That teller was later reprimanded by management, for failing to follow procedures, which said that in the event of a robbery, just cooperate and give them the money. She was transferred to a back-office job, away from tellering and customer contact. ---
**Author:** ![Critical1](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/3e96dc/32.png) [@Critical1](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Critical1)\ **Post date:** [February 21, 2009, 8:47am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-dumb-criminal-stories/486407/79 "2009-02-21T08:47:10Z")
way back when those shoes that flickered with every step were new…a guy tries to run from the cops into a park at night, wearing a pair, evidently one of the cops was laughing so hard he almost had to stop chasing the guy. (there were quite a few cops on hand to bust him) ---
**Author:** ![Hilarity\_N.Suze](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/hilarity_n.suze/32/6223_2.png) [@Hilarity\_N.Suze](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Hilarity_N.Suze)\ **Post date:** [February 21, 2009, 8:52am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-dumb-criminal-stories/486407/80 "2009-02-21T08:52:30Z")
> [@Anne\_Neville](#): > > [Bank robber caught when he leaves ATM card behind.](http://www.sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?f=/c/a/2009/02/13/BAJ215SUAD.DTL) One of my husband’s coworkers at a previous job went off on his break to rob the bank on the ground floor. (Perfect alibi, right? “I was working. I was logged in to my computer.”) Yes, the same branch of the same bank where he cashed his pay check every week. Which might not have mattered, because he was wearing a ski mask. Except, it was August, and hot, so he rolled it up. And anyway he forgot to take off his picture ID card! He did not come back from break. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-dumb-criminal-stories/486407.md?page=3) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-dumb-criminal-stories/486407.md?page=5)