# Best gift for wedding couple asking for $$ **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [August 16, 2005, 10:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-gift-for-wedding-couple-asking-for/317341 "2005-08-16T22:33:43Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 5
**Author:** ![CrankyAsAnOldMan](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/crankyasanoldman/32/11670_2.png) [@CrankyAsAnOldMan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CrankyAsAnOldMan)\ **Post date:** [August 17, 2005, 6:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-gift-for-wedding-couple-asking-for/317341/81 "2005-08-17T18:21:15Z")
A friend of mine once got $50 in gift certificates from McDonalds, separated them from their little booklets, and put the whole lot into a box for the bride and groom to open. Maybe this isn’t vindictive enough, but I always liked it. Incidentally, he said the groom thought it was a fun gift–both original and useful. His bride was offended at its tackiness. My friend had predicted both of these reactions–he knew he would get the snobbish bride’s goat, and that his down-to-earth friend with the sense of humor would love it. The marriage didn’t last. ---
**Author:** ![tremorviolet](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/e47774/32.png) [@tremorviolet](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tremorviolet)\ **Post date:** [August 17, 2005, 6:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-gift-for-wedding-couple-asking-for/317341/82 "2005-08-17T18:32:32Z")
Ok, here we go straight from [Miss Manners](http://www.cbsnews.com/stories/2005/05/09/earlyshow/leisure/books/main693835.shtml). > [@](#): > > Nevertheless, Miss Manners saw it all coming. Once the commercial gift registry (originally kept only in case customers inquired about a bride’s silver or china pattern) expanded to put generosity under the control of its beneficiary, the rest was inevitable. Now would-be beneficiaries are saving others the trouble of volunteering by listing demands—whether directly or through web sites, gift registries and notations on invitations—without waiting to be asked. > > Stripping sentiment from the custom of giving presents naturally prompted the question of why the giver should be entrusted—or encumbered, depending on the degree of hypocrisy exercised—with the purchasing. It is all very smart to sneer at the notion that it is the thought that counts, brazenly declaring that no, it’s the take that counts. **But the whole symbolic basis of exchanging presents, hospitality and favors refers to our longing to be noticed thoughtfully by others.** (True, the possibility of error is always there, which is why etiquette allows thoughtfulness to be assisted by sneaky tactics. If observation fails to suggest what presents might be welcome, it is fair to ask people who are in a better position to observe. If that doesn’t work, the unfortunate present may be discreetly exchanged, sold or given away after thanks have been rendered.) > [@](#): > > These practices are no less vulgar for having become commonplace. **There is no polite way to tell people to give you money or objects, and no polite way to entertain people at their expense.** Begging is the last resort of the desperate, not a social form requiring others to help people live beyond their means. I realize that the tit-for-tat thing is commonplace as is blatantly asking for money and considering the registry sacrosanct. Anyone can do whatever they like for their wedding but they should realize what is outside the bounds of ettiquette and just what might be considered rude. ---
**Author:** ![tremorviolet](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/e47774/32.png) [@tremorviolet](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tremorviolet)\ **Post date:** [August 17, 2005, 6:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-gift-for-wedding-couple-asking-for/317341/83 "2005-08-17T18:37:53Z")
Ok, here we go straight from [Miss Manners](http://www.cbsnews.com/stories/2005/05/09/earlyshow/leisure/books/main693835.shtml). > [@](#): > > Nevertheless, Miss Manners saw it all coming. Once the commercial gift registry (originally kept only in case customers inquired about a bride’s silver or china pattern) expanded to put generosity under the control of its beneficiary, the rest was inevitable. Now would-be beneficiaries are saving others the trouble of volunteering by listing demands—whether directly or through web sites, gift registries and notations on invitations—without waiting to be asked. > > Stripping sentiment from the custom of giving presents naturally prompted the question of why the giver should be entrusted—or encumbered, depending on the degree of hypocrisy exercised—with the purchasing. It is all very smart to sneer at the notion that it is the thought that counts, brazenly declaring that no, it’s the take that counts. **But the whole symbolic basis of exchanging presents, hospitality and favors refers to our longing to be noticed thoughtfully by others.** (True, the possibility of error is always there, which is why etiquette allows thoughtfulness to be assisted by sneaky tactics. If observation fails to suggest what presents might be welcome, it is fair to ask people who are in a better position to observe. If that doesn’t work, the unfortunate present may be discreetly exchanged, sold or given away after thanks have been rendered.) > [@](#): > > These practices are no less vulgar for having become commonplace. **There is no polite way to tell people to give you money or objects, and no polite way to entertain people at their expense.** Begging is the last resort of the desperate, not a social form requiring others to help people live beyond their means. I realize that the tit-for-tat thing is commonplace as is blatantly asking for money and considering the registry sacrosanct. Anyone can do whatever they like for their wedding but they should realize what is outside the bounds of ettiquette and just what might be considered rude. ---
**Author:** ![Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e99b99/32.png) [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Diogenes_the_Cynic)\ **Post date:** [August 17, 2005, 6:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-gift-for-wedding-couple-asking-for/317341/84 "2005-08-17T18:46:07Z")
> [@Debaser](#): > > If everybody did this it would be chaos. The poor couple would end up with twenty identical frying pans and not a single plate that they actually needed in the first place. (Or twenty Castle Greyskulls!) The “poor couple” is not entitled to expect anything at all, so they are not being victimized if they get duplicates of gifts that no one was obliged to give them in the first place. We got a few duplicates. We didn’t care. We were grateful that anyone gave us anything at all. > [@](#): > > The couple knows what they want. That’s why they registered for it. For you to get something else is rude. The couple is way out of line by “wanting” anything in the first place. Gift registries are rude and grasping and should be ignored. > [@](#): > > BTW, do you get stuff that is already on the registry so it’ll be a dupe, or do you just not check at all? I don’t check at all. I’ll give them whatever I feel like. I’m amazed that anyone thinks it’s ok not only to demand gifts but to demand _specific_ gifts. I don’t respond well to being shaken down like that. ---
**Author:** ![amarinth](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/3be4f8/32.png) [@amarinth](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/amarinth)\ **Post date:** [August 17, 2005, 6:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-gift-for-wedding-couple-asking-for/317341/85 "2005-08-17T18:55:13Z")
> [@Loopydude](#): > > In fact, I think its a point of etiquette that guests invited to the wedding should bring a gift commensurate with the cost of the meal. This is absolutely not so. A gift should be given because the giver wants to give it to the couple and thinks it will bring them pleasure. The gift costs what it costs and the price of the gift and the price/head of the wedding reception are in no way related. It is not about “breaking even” on the wedding. It is also not even remotely rude to buy something off the registry. :rolleyes: The registry is a suggestion - not a demand. ---
**Author:** ![cute\_witty\_username](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/898d66/32.png) [@cute\_witty\_username](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/cute_witty_username)\ **Post date:** [August 17, 2005, 7:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-gift-for-wedding-couple-asking-for/317341/86 "2005-08-17T19:07:39Z")
> [@DiosaBellissima](#): > > Is it really _that_ tacky for a couple to ask for cash for their wedding? (I’m not married and wont be for a long while…and when I am, I like opening presents :D). I thought this was a semi- common practice and the money was used for a house or whatever. > > Don’t get me wrong, I see where it is tacky if they mean, “we don’t want your crappy as gift!”. I also understand that this situation is a lil’ different as it is someone OP has never met. > > I hope that wasn’t too babbly and actually made sense :smack: my understanding of this is that mentioning gifts at ALL in an invitation is bad form. YMMV, of course - i know it’s totally common nowadays to include registry cards and the like, and whether it’s proper etiquette or not is kind of overshadowed by the fact that it really DOES make life easier. asking for cash in and of itself is not bad, but it’s supposed to be passed by word of mouth, not by flat out asking for it. regarding the OP, i would just send a card. the “just cash” thing was utterly obnoxious. ---
**Author:** ![Loopydude](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/e56c9b/32.png) [@Loopydude](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Loopydude)\ **Post date:** [August 17, 2005, 7:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-gift-for-wedding-couple-asking-for/317341/87 "2005-08-17T19:19:36Z")
Again, I cite these “rules” not because I agree with them in any personal way, or have any real interest in them beyond playing along and making whoever happy on their special day. The gift-for-plate rule is just something I’ve heard tossed around, so it seems to be a rule of thumb. It actually strikes me as a pretty dumb rule just on concept because, well, how the hell am I supposed to know how much was spent on the meal per plate? I guess most people ballpark it based on what they know of the planners’ finances, and shoot for a reasonable range. I don’t advocate, in any event, just report. We really expected nothing of the people we invited to our wedding, but many made quite a point of asking us what we wanted. When we said we didn’t know, they told us what we should do. Many times. Until we gave them an answer. When we offered up the registry, we made the language very optional, so people knew it was just a guide they could use if they wished; and some people didn’t buy gifts off the registry, which was completely fine with us (in fact one of my favorites is a beautiful world atlas it never even dawned on me to ask for). Some folks brought nothing at all, which was totally cool. We sent them thank-you’s for showing up. I always figured it was understood nobody is _required_ to bring a gift, and that the registry is to help those who wish to get the bride and groom what they need and want. I myself have always genuinely _wanted_ to bring a gift to a wedding, and really couldn’t imagine attending without one. It seems nearly everyone who attended our wedding had a similar sentiment, and I assumed the registry would help them out if they chose to make use of it, just as registries have helped me in the past when I was stumped. Miss Manners above seems out of touch with reality. I’m not saying she’s _wrong_, at least in principle, and if some folks want to make a statement at someone elses wedding by flouting the registry as a show of defiance, great. If you want to leave guests who seem to sincerely want to know your wishes guessing, that’s fine too. I’d just be less sure of yourselves when you assume everybody who plays along with wedding traditions is an asshole. Yeah, it may be a bit craven to cave into these social pressures, but, as I said above, we’re talking about peoples’ _weddings_ here. A hopefully once-in-a-lifetime event. I just can’t see the value in taking a turd in the punchbowl, even if the Bride and Bridegroom are being incredibly crass. They do something else that’s obnoxious, tell them. Or don’t go. The OP won’t be attending, so it seems to me simply sending regards is entirely appropriate. But if I’m _going to the wedding_, and somebody gives me some instructions, I’m going to follow those instructions meticulously. ---
**Author:** ![ENugent](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/4af34b/32.png) [@ENugent](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ENugent)\ **Post date:** [August 17, 2005, 7:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-gift-for-wedding-couple-asking-for/317341/88 "2005-08-17T19:27:19Z")
> [@Cunctator](#): > > Instead they bring the gift with them to the church or to the reception. This could be because they haven’t managed to get their act together and buy the gift any earlier. Or it could be that they’ve come from interstate or overseas and have brought the gift with them rather than sending it through the post. Or it could be because they don’t want to bother with sending it by mail, without thinking about what the bride and groom will have to do with it at the wedding and afterwards. I got married in California (where my family lives), while living in Boston. Virtually all of the guests who lived in California brought their presents to the wedding, which meant that they all stayed at my parents’ house for months until my mother could box them all up and ship them to us. I had all the thank you notes out long before I had actual possession of the gifts (we opened them after the honeymoon but before we went back to Boston, and I brought home a list of who sent what). I wouldn’t have minded this, if almost every single one of them hadn’t said something to my mother at the wedding along the lines of, “I didn’t want to bother to ship this across the country, so I just brought it.” I don’t think a single one of them thought about how _we_ would get them across the country. I was grateful for every gift, and I would _never_ snark at the givers, but I also will never bring a gift with me to a wedding instead of sending it, having experienced what a nuisance it is for the bride and groom. ---
**Author:** ![NajaNivea](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/22d042/32.png) [@NajaNivea](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/NajaNivea)\ **Post date:** [August 17, 2005, 7:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-gift-for-wedding-couple-asking-for/317341/89 "2005-08-17T19:35:08Z")
> [@Aangelica](#): > > I’m getting married soon (two weeks - sweet Jesus on the cross). We have everything we need - and our urge to extort our friends and loved ones for cash and prizes is best described only in the negative. > > I registered for gifts only after endless badgering by my sisters and one of my cousins who finally made me snap with the following comment: “Register for the convenience of your guests. They _are_ going to give presents, whether you like it or not. They _want_ to give presents. Some of them consider cash tacky as a wedding gift. Give them a list so they can pick something and be happy it’s something you expressed at least marginal interest in.” > > We also invited a number of cousins we see approximately once in every fifth year (if at all) because they would be offended if we didn’t. We almost surely invited at least one cousin who didn’t give a rat’s pink ass we’re getting married, wouldn’t have been offended to be left off the list, and probably is convinced we’re merely gift-extorting (my cousin Katie, actually!). This is because it’s more polite (in my opinion) to invite people who’d have no interest than not to invite people who do - and the only way to be sure is to hit them all. Sorry to reproduce so much of your original post, but it’s almost word for word what we went through two months ago at our wedding. Mr. Armadillo’s entire family is on the East coast, and none of them were able to come except his immediate family and one aunt and uncle. We knew they likely wouldn’t be able to, and have planned a trip next summer to see them all instead (bring the “wedding” to them instead of expecting the whole elderly family to travel 5k miles to us for one evening…). Even still, it would have seemed to them a huge snub if we hadn’t sent invitations or announcements, so we did. I was really worried it would seem like some sort of gift-grubbing, but also knew they had to be sent or risk offending Great Aunt Marge, who I’ve never met and he hasn’t seen in years and who has a roughly 0% chance of actually attending, but who would also be mighty pissed if she wasn’t included. Furthermore, like you, we already have everything we need (have been together six and a half years and lived together for two, own a house together, etc) and I felt beyond tacky creating a registry and making a greedy-ass list of everything I “want”–but was made to do so by my mom and sister who used almost word for word the same reasoning yours did… and in the end, I’m glad I did, because at least we got some nice kitchen stuff from those we don’t know well enough to know our taste and choose an appropriate gift, and from those people really close to our lives and hearts ignored the registry and brought personal gifts which were lovely too. And a lot of people sent cash or checks and that’s fine too, although again it made me really uncomfortable even to cash them. I swear by the end of it I was about ready to break out into hives anytime anyone asked me about a registry. I refused to discuss it and just told people we weren’t expecting gifts and didn’t need anything, which actually made people mad. Mom told anyone who asked that the list existed. Sigh. We enjoyed the wedding and had a great time, but navigating all that gift and invitation etiquitte was way more stressful than anything. ---
**Author:** ![Loopydude](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/e56c9b/32.png) [@Loopydude](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Loopydude)\ **Post date:** [August 17, 2005, 7:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-gift-for-wedding-couple-asking-for/317341/90 "2005-08-17T19:45:08Z")
> [@MixieArmadillo](#): > > Sigh. We enjoyed the wedding and had a great time, but navigating all that gift and invitation etiquitte was way more stressful than anything. It’s incredibly stressful. I found myself sometimes just wanting a clear answer to some question, some engraven sooth from the Inviolate Book of Wedding Wisdom, whether I found that answer bizarre or not, so I could move on to the next item in the list of about 237 other things I needed to do over the next few months. I can honestly say, with some things, I had no oppinion any more. I just wanted to know what everybody else thinks is what one should do. Getting inconsistent answers from multiple trusted sources would keep me up at night. ---
**Author:** ![Cat\_Whisperer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cat_whisperer/32/4839_2.png) [@Cat\_Whisperer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cat_Whisperer)\ **Post date:** [August 17, 2005, 7:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-gift-for-wedding-couple-asking-for/317341/91 "2005-08-17T19:45:22Z")
We did the registry thing also, even though I didn’t much care what people gave us as gifts (or gave gifts at all). We also made sure we had a good range of prices of gifts in the registry so that people could buy any level of gift that they were comfortable with. When the dust settled after our wedding, we actually had a huge bundle of cash gifts (part of which was from our free bar with a tip jar). People _do_ like to give people they love gifts, and they do like some guidance in this gift choosing - most people don’t like to be told exactly _what_ to give, however. Like so many things in life, it’s a fine line. ---
**Author:** ![DeVena](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/dec6dc/32.png) [@DeVena](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DeVena)\ **Post date:** [August 17, 2005, 7:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-gift-for-wedding-couple-asking-for/317341/92 "2005-08-17T19:46:37Z")
You’ve never met them and you’re not going to the wedding? Send a card. You’d send cash to someone you actually know. ---
**Author:** ![EarthStone777](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/7ab992/32.png) [@EarthStone777](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/EarthStone777)\ **Post date:** [August 17, 2005, 7:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-gift-for-wedding-couple-asking-for/317341/93 "2005-08-17T19:58:53Z")
I’m following up both **MixieArmadillo** and **Aangelica** by saying that we did the same thing (my first wife and I, that is… The current Mrs. Stone and I eloped thus avoiding the entire mess). We had both been living on our own for years, and then living together for a couple of years and needed nothing. We registered at Crate and Barrel as a ‘wish list’ of whatever we wanted that we’d never buy ourselves. Then we had a talk with both sets of parents as well as our best friends and had them spread the word ‘unofficially’ that what we most wanted was cash, to help us buy our own house. In the end, less than half the guests gave us actual gifts and we got a nice chunk of cash that we used to pay off all our debts with (we both entered the relationship with hefty debts). That allowed us to really make headway in saving for the downpayment for a house (and it would have worked if we hadn’t gotten divorced a year later). Learning from that, I have given the same gift at every wedding I have gone to since then. A nice photo album (usually around $20 because every new couple will have tons of photos needing an album), and inside the album, I fill it with pictures of dead presidents. Every slot for photos is filled with a bill. Anywhere from $50 (all 1’s) to $250 depending on how much I want to spend on the person (from a distant cousin I rarely saw, to my best friend). I’ll spread the higher demonination bills amongst the singles, making it a suprise for them to find. So far I’ve had nothing but good feedback on it. As for the OP… I’d suggest doing the same thing with high denomination (but small dollar value) foreign bills. “Look honey we got 50,000 shneckles! That must be worth a fortune. … \ … Oh, it’s only $5. Well at least we got money like we asked.” ---
**Author:** ![Debaser](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/3da27b/32.png) [@Debaser](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Debaser)\ **Post date:** [August 17, 2005, 8:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-gift-for-wedding-couple-asking-for/317341/94 "2005-08-17T20:11:20Z")
> [@Diogenes the Cynic](#): > > The “poor couple” is not entitled to expect anything at all, so they are not being victimized if they get duplicates of gifts that no one was obliged to give them in the first place. We got a few duplicates. We didn’t care. We were grateful that anyone gave us anything at all. This is just odd. It’s a wedding. People are going to buy gifts. That’s just the way it works. Why not use a mechanism so that the couple gets gifts that they actually want and need and don’t get dupes? Why is this a bad thing? I’m not suggesting that the couple be snotty about it to people who veer from the registry. I’m not suggesting that they shouldn’t be grateful for the things they get. But why not do it in a way that makes sense? > [@](#): > > The couple is way out of line by “wanting” anything in the first place. Gift registries are rude and grasping and should be ignored. Why is the couple out of line for helping the guests pick gifts that they actually want? People are going to buy gifts anyway. Your statement that gift registries are rude and should be ignored is simply bizarre. I’ve been to many weddings in the past couple years and the couple has **always** been registered somewhere. This is simply the standard practice for weddings nowadays, and that is a good thing. Registries aren’t rude. > [@](#): > > I don’t check at all. I’ll give them whatever I feel like. I’m amazed that anyone thinks it’s ok not only to demand gifts but to demand _specific_ gifts. I don’t respond well to being shaken down like that. How is it a shakedown? Nobody is being forced. Your attitude towards registries doesn’t seem to be grounded in any reality. You attitude that you will “give them whatever I feel like” is simply childish and rude. ---
**Author:** ![Debaser](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/3da27b/32.png) [@Debaser](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Debaser)\ **Post date:** [August 17, 2005, 8:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-gift-for-wedding-couple-asking-for/317341/95 "2005-08-17T20:18:26Z")
> [@EarthStone777](#): > > So far I’ve had nothing but good feedback on it. This is a great idea. My typical wedding gift is $100 if I go alone, or $200 if we go as a couple. This is enough to pay for our plate and then some at a typical wedding. This is the rate I pay for a wedding of a friend or distant family member. I’d pay more for a close friend or immediate family member, but no one like that has gotten married. I used to pay $50 back when I was in college and broke, though. I’m always sure to pay with a card so they know who it’s from and there’s a personal touch to it. The photo album is a great idea though. I figure, if everybody gave $100 per person a typical wedding of 150 people would net $15,000 for the happy couple. This is just around the average cost of weddings nowadays and would make a good downpayment on a house or college savings plan. ---
**Author:** ![Shirley\_Ujest](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/45deac/32.png) [@Shirley\_Ujest](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Shirley_Ujest)\ **Post date:** [August 17, 2005, 8:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-gift-for-wedding-couple-asking-for/317341/96 "2005-08-17T20:47:18Z")
If anyone hasn’t given a good useable idea, one of mine to our friends as a gag gift was a huge box filled with toilet paper. Useful and it reminds them of us every time they use it. 🆒 ---
**Author:** ![Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e99b99/32.png) [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Diogenes_the_Cynic)\ **Post date:** [August 17, 2005, 9:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-gift-for-wedding-couple-asking-for/317341/97 "2005-08-17T21:16:32Z")
> [@Debaser](#): > > This is just odd. It’s a wedding. People are going to buy gifts. That’s just the way it works. Why not use a mechanism so that the couple gets gifts that they actually want and need and don’t get dupes? Why is this a bad thing? > > I’m not suggesting that the couple be snotty about it to people who veer from the registry. I’m not suggesting that they shouldn’t be grateful for the things they get. But why not do it in a way that makes sense? The couple isn’t supposed to show any concern or awareness of gifts at all. Let surrogate family mem > [@](#): > > bers answer those kinds of questions. > Why is the couple out of line for helping the guests pick gifts that they actually want? People are going to buy gifts anyway. Come on, the couple is helping themselves, not their guests. They shouldn’t try to get involved in enhancing or adjusting their own take. They’te supposed to expect nothing and be pleasantly surprised by whatever they get. > [@](#): > > Your statement that gift registries are rude and should be ignored is simply bizarre. I’ve been to many weddings in the past couple years and the couple has **always** been registered somewhere. This is simply the standard practice for weddings nowadays, and that is a good thing. Registries aren’t rude. I know it’s become standard practice, but I consider it to be presumptuous and rude. I’m sure I’m a voice in the wilderness on that. I just don’t think couples should _let on_ that they expect presents, even if they do. > [@](#): > > How is it a shakedown? Nobody is being forced. Your attitude towards registries doesn’t seem to be grounded in any reality. You attitude that you will “give them whatever I feel like” is simply childish and rude. I like to give gifts that are more unusual or offbeat. Not standard wedding gifts. This is especially true for male friends of mine who get married. I like to get something that I know the groom will like because so much of the other stuff is for the bride or is stuff that guys don’t really care about. I’ve given stuff like game consoles, CD box sets and bags of weed. Guys appreciate stuff like that. Congratulations on your own nuptuals, by the way. ---
**Author:** ![Stringer](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/eb8c5e/32.png) [@Stringer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Stringer)\ **Post date:** [August 17, 2005, 9:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-gift-for-wedding-couple-asking-for/317341/98 "2005-08-17T21:21:51Z")
> [@Tomcat](#): > > I guess we were those tacky types… > > When we got married we told people who asked where we were registered “We are registered at Wells Fargo Bank.” We explained that we were moving overseas and if they wanted to buy us a specific gift to please give us cash and we would buy it there (electrical appliances especially). Most everyone who attended our wedding thought the cash idea was great. We did get a few real gifts, and frankly, they are still in their packages at my mom’s house 8 years later. What didn’t they understand about us moving overseas and not being able to transport a 2-foot diameter porcelan fruit bowl? I take it that you didn’t ask for cash in the invitation, and only suggested the cash gift to those who inquired? I don’t think anyone is saying that suggesting cash as a gift is tacky (especially in circumstances as you describe), but asking for cash (or any gifts) _in the invitation_ is coarse and rude. ---
**Author:** ![Scarlett67](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/scarlett67/32/7387_2.png) [@Scarlett67](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Scarlett67)\ **Post date:** [August 17, 2005, 10:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-gift-for-wedding-couple-asking-for/317341/99 "2005-08-17T22:08:16Z")
> [@Diogenes the Cynic](#): > > I like to give gifts that are more unusual or offbeat. Not standard wedding gifts. And you are free to do so. Please read the several preceding posts where people have said that a registry in and of itself is not a demand for gifts, or an attempt to dictate what (or whether) guests must give. It is merely a guide for guests who would like to give a gift but are stumped for ideas. Heck, sometimes I’m stumped on what to give my HUSBAND for a gift. Any bridal couple that treats the registry as a demand, or complains when people choose their own gifts instead of something from the registry, are being jackasses of the highest order. The registry isn’t the problem; the Bridezilla and Groomonster are. I have gone both ways when giving wedding gifts. I like to give unusual things as well, but if I don’t know the people well or am not feeling creative or don’t have time to shop around for the perfect gizmo, I go to the registry. Often when using the registry, I try to pick something nontraditional if the list permits. Everyone else will think of towels and sheets; the last time I did this I went for the camping kit because Mr. S and I like to spend an evening in front of the fire and it seemed more romantic than kitchen supplies. Re couples helping themselves and not their guests by setting up a registry (for some reason I couldn’t copy the relevant quote): Aren’t guests who were already stumped about what to give going to be more pleased knowing that the gift is genuinely desired, rather than wondering whether the couple truly liked it or quietly gave the hideous thing to Goodwill? I know I’d feel that my money was somehow wasted if I figured out that my gift wasn’t really their style and/or they didn’t honestly enjoy it, no matter how profuse their thanks. ---
**Author:** ![Amaranta](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/6f9a4e/32.png) [@Amaranta](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Amaranta)\ **Post date:** [August 17, 2005, 10:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-gift-for-wedding-couple-asking-for/317341/100 "2005-08-17T22:08:19Z")
> [@EarthStone777](#): > > Learning from that, I have given the same gift at every wedding I have gone to since then. A nice photo album (usually around $20 because every new couple will have tons of photos needing an album), and inside the album, I fill it with pictures of dead presidents. Every slot for photos is filled with a bill. Anywhere from $50 (all 1’s) to $250 depending on how much I want to spend on the person (from a distant cousin I rarely saw, to my best friend). I’ll spread the higher demonination bills amongst the singles, making it a suprise for them to find. > > So far I’ve had nothing but good feedback on it. Okay, I may be Canadian, but I’ve heard the term “dead presidents” often enough to know what it means. But this time, it just didn’t click for some reason, and I couldn’t imagine the motivation for giving a couple a nice photo albums with portraits of deceased Commanders-in-Chief. It’s 3:00 in the afternoon, so I really can’t use the “not enough coffee” excuse at this point, but I wanted to let you know that visual just made my day. “Aww, honey, look, a gorgeous photo album!” _opens_ “Woodrow Wilson? What the hell?!” [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-gift-for-wedding-couple-asking-for/317341.md?page=4) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-gift-for-wedding-couple-asking-for/317341.md?page=6)