# Best guard animal? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [May 25, 2013, 4:39am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-guard-animal/659292 "2013-05-25T04:39:16Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 18\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![Gymnopithys](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/fbc32d/32.png) [@Gymnopithys](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Gymnopithys)\ **Post date:** [May 25, 2013, 6:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-guard-animal/659292/21 "2013-05-25T18:44:56Z")
> [@shijinn](#): > > malaria-infested mosquitoes. No relation whatsoever with the OP’s user name.🙂 ---
**Author:** ![Senegoid](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/senegoid/32/6606_2.png) [@Senegoid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Senegoid)\ **Post date:** [May 25, 2013, 10:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-guard-animal/659292/22 "2013-05-25T22:46:30Z")
> [@Gymnopithys](#): > > No relation whatsoever with the OP’s user name.🙂 But throw in a savage full-grown rufous-throated **Gymnopithys** or two, along with the piranhas and crocodiles and crows, and your security will be assured! 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![flatlined](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/eb9ed0/32.png) [@flatlined](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/flatlined)\ **Post date:** [May 25, 2013, 11:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-guard-animal/659292/23 "2013-05-25T23:07:48Z")
I vote for geese or feral peacocks. I do security at biker runs and concerts. I’m not afraid to go face to face with a drunk Hell’s Angel armed only with attitude and pepper spray. I’ve been attacked by dogs before. I’ve cornered feral cats and while I came out bloody, I was able to stuff the idiot thing into a carrier. Not too long ago, I got into it with a feral pig and won. (a 12 gauge shotgun was involved, very messy and not something I want to do again.) The only time I got my butt kicked so badly that all I could do was huddle on the ground, bloody and hiding my face and screaming for help was the time I volunteered to help round up some feral peacocks. They scream and hiss and kick with strong legs equipped with long sharp claws and they beat you with their wings and try to peck your eyes out. Not to mention that they are big strong and bendy. I’m having flashbacks just thinking about it. I’ve never been stupid enough to mix it up with geese, but they scare the crap out of me. ---
**Author:** ![DSeid](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/dseid/32/20194_2.png) [@DSeid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DSeid)\ **Post date:** [May 26, 2013, 3:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-guard-animal/659292/24 "2013-05-26T15:57:10Z")
No question a pissed off goose, swan, or peacock, let alone several, would create a lot of stopping power and be harder to fight off, or even shoot if the intruder is armed, than a guard dog. OTOH: 1. That’s a pissed off one. Are they as reliably protective of the grounds? Or is their getting angry something that only occassionally occurs? Ostriches, as mentioned above are not an animal you’d want to go against, fast, strong and armed (legged?) with claws that can eviscerate you in a flash, - but most of the time they’d just run away from you at 45 mph rather than chase you down at that speed. Only a cornered animal or a male ready to mate would attack you. 2. Also, as in the Raold Dahls’ “Danny, the Champion of the World,” a few dozen sleeping pill containing raisins can subdue a flock of foul fairly fast. The reason that dogs are the go-to choice is because they can be trained to know who is family and who is not and are protective as a job to do, not out of fear. You need a smart animal to understand what is and is not a threat and preferably who can obey commands. How about elephants? Very smart, fast, strong, takes a cannon to stop one … I’m assuming a big estate with a decent wall. I like the baboons idea but it takes more than a simple wall to keep them in, and I am not so sure how well they can be trained to defend the human family as job to do. Then there’s the noise … ---
**Author:** ![Steken](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/e274bd/32.png) [@Steken](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Steken)\ **Post date:** [May 26, 2013, 6:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-guard-animal/659292/25 "2013-05-26T18:39:57Z")
> [@half-elf](#): > > … surely our tycoon could opt for a combination of more than one kind of animal? So… The Man-Bear-Pig? > [@Senegoid](#): > > A wide deep moat, full of piranhas and crocodiles. Actually, piranhas are total pussies. They flee in panic whenever they’re approached by any creature bigger than, well, a piranha. A wee child can safely jump into a tank full of piranhas and be perfectly safe. ---
**Author:** ![flatlined](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/eb9ed0/32.png) [@flatlined](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/flatlined)\ **Post date:** [May 26, 2013, 8:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-guard-animal/659292/26 "2013-05-26T20:43:34Z")
**DSeid** One of the reasons I haven’t mixed it up with geese is because I knew people who have them. Geese love their people, they protect their cats and dogs and horses and goats. They are very territorial, and the easiest way to piss them off is to go into their yard without being one of their people or pets. When I went to visit my friend, the geese would rush at the gate, hissing, snapping their hard beaks and flapping their wings. Their feathers would stand on end like an angry cat and I knew that I’d be throwing my life away if I opened the gate. As soon as my friend came out they would all rush to him, rubbing their heads against him and make happy sounds. Then I could open the gate and come in. They never bothered me once I was invited in and I would feed them bread and popcorn and they seemed nice enough. Until I left. Every time I went back, even if it was only 20 minutes later, they were willing to kill me again. ---
**Author:** ![HipGnosis](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/76d3ee/32.png) [@HipGnosis](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/HipGnosis)\ **Post date:** [May 26, 2013, 10:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-guard-animal/659292/27 "2013-05-26T22:13:43Z")
The roman armies used geese around their camps. The consummate definition of an oldie but a goodie. It also enforced curfew. ---
**Author:** ![Gatopescado](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/gatopescado/32/5711_2.png) [@Gatopescado](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Gatopescado)\ **Post date:** [May 26, 2013, 10:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-guard-animal/659292/28 "2013-05-26T22:18:33Z")
Dachshunds. Hundreds and hundreds of Dachshunds. The most comical of all vicious killers. ---
**Author:** ![DSeid](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/dseid/32/20194_2.png) [@DSeid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DSeid)\ **Post date:** [May 26, 2013, 10:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-guard-animal/659292/29 "2013-05-26T22:39:08Z")
> [@flatlined](#): > > **DSeid** One of the reasons I haven’t mixed it up with geese is because I knew people who have them. > > Geese love their people, they protect their cats and dogs and horses and goats. They are very territorial, and the easiest way to piss them off is to go into their yard without being one of their people or pets. > > When I went to visit my friend, the geese would rush at the gate, hissing, snapping their hard beaks and flapping their wings. Their feathers would stand on end like an angry cat and I knew that I’d be throwing my life away if I opened the gate. > > As soon as my friend came out they would all rush to him, rubbing their heads against him and make happy sounds. Then I could open the gate and come in. They never bothered me once I was invited in and I would feed them bread and popcorn and they seemed nice enough. Until I left. Every time I went back, even if it was only 20 minutes later, they were willing to kill me again. My ignorance is now reduced! You know that soon geese will replace pit bulls as the bad ass animal to own and that there will calls to ban them … 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![Jackmannii](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/jackmannii/32/311_2.png) [@Jackmannii](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Jackmannii)\ **Post date:** [May 26, 2013, 10:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-guard-animal/659292/30 "2013-05-26T22:49:20Z")
A pack of underfed [hyenas](http://www.earthweek.com/2009/ew091218/ew091218h.html) patrolling the yard should be excellent for discouraging intruders. Of course, your options for leaving the house might be severely limited… ---
**Author:** ![stui\_magpie](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/stui_magpie/32/11010_2.png) [@stui\_magpie](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/stui_magpie)\ **Post date:** [May 26, 2013, 11:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-guard-animal/659292/31 "2013-05-26T23:42:38Z")
As security it seems Geese would be effective but I can also seeing them being messy. If you had enough to provide a sentry service all round the perimeter of the yard, there would be goose shit everywhere. I’d go with having an assorted collection of dogs roaming the grounds and some cockatoos in cages at stragic points round the grounds trained to squawk whenever someone not family was seen, which would summon the dogs. ---
**Author:** ![jasg](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/f0a364/32.png) [@jasg](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/jasg)\ **Post date:** [May 26, 2013, 11:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-guard-animal/659292/32 "2013-05-26T23:44:25Z")
I think the Khaleesi has the best guard animals. ---
**Author:** ![Ludovic](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/7ab992/32.png) [@Ludovic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ludovic)\ **Post date:** [May 27, 2013, 12:10am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-guard-animal/659292/33 "2013-05-27T00:10:02Z")
> [@stui\_magpie](#): > > As security it seems Geese would be effective but I can also seeing them being messy. If you had enough to provide a sentry service all round the perimeter of the yard, there would be goose shit everywhere. It would, however, be a bonus in keeping people away from your house. ---
**Author:** ![flatlined](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/eb9ed0/32.png) [@flatlined](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/flatlined)\ **Post date:** [May 27, 2013, 12:42am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-guard-animal/659292/34 "2013-05-27T00:42:22Z")
> [@DSeid](#): > > You know that soon geese will replace pit bulls as the bad ass animal to own and that there will calls to ban them … 🙂 I’d much rather take on a pit bull than geese. The pit bull will knock me over and try to lick me to death, the geese will come at me from different angles and want to HISS KILL BITE TO DEATH!!! I’ll take on a feral pig before I mix it up with feral peacocks again. ---
**Author:** ![Rhythmdvl](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/85f322/32.png) [@Rhythmdvl](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rhythmdvl)\ **Post date:** [May 27, 2013, 12:57am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-guard-animal/659292/35 "2013-05-27T00:57:31Z")
Robotic Richard Simmons. (Or maybe dogs with bees in their mouths…) ---
**Author:** ![Furious\_Marmot](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/dfb087/32.png) [@Furious\_Marmot](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Furious_Marmot)\ **Post date:** [May 27, 2013, 2:51am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-guard-animal/659292/36 "2013-05-27T02:51:32Z")
Some kind of big ornery herbivores. They are hard to kill and don’t have to be hungry to want to kill you. Bison, elephants, rhinos, cape buffalo, hippos. Stuff like that. ---
**Author:** ![Mesquite-oh](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/a183cd/32.png) [@Mesquite-oh](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mesquite-oh)\ **Post date:** [May 27, 2013, 4:57am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-guard-animal/659292/37 "2013-05-27T04:57:06Z")
One way of looking at it is to ask what level of sophistication or money would it take for an intruder to get by the animal and get to the house safely or undetected? My first thought was to have a moat filled with crocs, jellyfish, and sea snakes but I figured that a raft from Walmart could probably get 3 or 4 guys across pretty easily (unless the owner installs a wave machine that makes the water constantly turbulent…hmmm). A raft would be easy to see, though. It would seem that wild animals would be easy to get by with a rump roast (or loaf of bread, peanut butter, birdseed, or whatever) and some rat poison. It would probably have to be an animal like a dog that could be trained. Trained to be aggressive, make noise and attack and be trained to only eat from it’s feeding area. They could be kept in a safe enclosure until they are needed. Dogs have been breed for thousands of years to guard things, so I guess they would have a head start for the job. ---
**Author:** ![Claverhouse](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/13edae/32.png) [@Claverhouse](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Claverhouse)\ **Post date:** [May 27, 2013, 5:24am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-guard-animal/659292/38 "2013-05-27T05:24:22Z")
Black leopards. > [@Steken](#): > > A wee child can safely jump into a tank full of piranhas and be perfectly safe. _Considers experimenting, but cannot bother borrowing wee children_ [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-guard-animal/659292.md?page=1)