# Best Hans Moleman lines **URL:** \ **Category:** Cafe Society\ **Created:** [October 17, 2003, 3:54am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-hans-moleman-lines/207924 "2003-10-17T03:54:41Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 15\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![I\_can\_t\_believe\_that\_s\_butter](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/8edcca/32.png) [@I\_can\_t\_believe\_that\_s\_butter](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/I_can_t_believe_that_s_butter)\ **Post date:** [October 17, 2003, 3:54am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-hans-moleman-lines/207924/1 "2003-10-17T03:54:41Z")
“The eating of an orange is a lot like a successful marriage.” ---
**Author:** ![BraheSilver](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/ecccb3/32.png) [@BraheSilver](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BraheSilver)\ **Post date:** [October 17, 2003, 4:00am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-hans-moleman-lines/207924/2 "2003-10-17T04:00:02Z")
“I’m thirty-eight years old!” “That’s what I’ve been trying to tell you!” followed by a plaintive wail as he gets shoved back in the morgue locker. And the kicker: “Football To The Groin, starring Hans Moleman.” ---
**Author:** ![ResIpsaLoquitor](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/b3f665/32.png) [@ResIpsaLoquitor](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ResIpsaLoquitor)\ **Post date:** [October 17, 2003, 4:21am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-hans-moleman-lines/207924/3 "2003-10-17T04:21:57Z")
“Hello, this is Moleman in the morning. Good Moleman to you. Today, part four of our series on the agonizing pain in which I live every daaaaaaaaaaaaaaaayyyyy…” ---
**Author:** ![kasuo](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/8c91f0/32.png) [@kasuo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kasuo)\ **Post date:** [October 17, 2003, 4:25am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-hans-moleman-lines/207924/4 "2003-10-17T04:25:47Z")
“You’ll never escape the wrath of the mole people! Augh, forget it.” ---
**Author:** ![archmichael](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/bb73d2/32.png) [@archmichael](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/archmichael)\ **Post date:** [October 17, 2003, 4:28am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-hans-moleman-lines/207924/5 "2003-10-17T04:28:26Z")
“I was saying ‘Boo-urns’!” ---
**Author:** ![Loopus](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/loopus/32/15343_2.png) [@Loopus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Loopus)\ **Post date:** [October 17, 2003, 5:20am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-hans-moleman-lines/207924/6 "2003-10-17T05:20:07Z")
Marge: I _am_ talking to myself. Hans: You are? Aww… I thought I’d made a friend. “I think that I shall never see/My catarcts are blinding me.” ---
**Author:** ![Ranchoth](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ranchoth/32/1066_2.png) [@Ranchoth](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ranchoth)\ **Post date:** [October 17, 2003, 7:38am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-hans-moleman-lines/207924/7 "2003-10-17T07:38:47Z")
::Drill motor, horrible “squishing” noises:: “Oh no, my braaains…” ::eek:: 😃 ---
**Author:** ![Odinoneeye](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/97f17d/32.png) [@Odinoneeye](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Odinoneeye)\ **Post date:** [October 17, 2003, 7:55am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-hans-moleman-lines/207924/8 "2003-10-17T07:55:51Z")
Kowabunga dude ---
**Author:** ![Jennyrosity](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/2bfe46/32.png) [@Jennyrosity](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Jennyrosity)\ **Post date:** [October 17, 2003, 7:58am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-hans-moleman-lines/207924/9 "2003-10-17T07:58:00Z")
“Down I go…” ---
**Author:** ![Bryan\_Ekers](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/bryan_ekers/32/183_2.png) [@Bryan\_Ekers](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bryan_Ekers)\ **Post date:** [October 17, 2003, 11:44am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-hans-moleman-lines/207924/10 "2003-10-17T11:44:50Z")
“R, Q, J, question mark, smiley face…” -reading the eye chart at the DMV. ---
**Author:** ![NFlanders](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/a9adbd/32.png) [@NFlanders](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/NFlanders)\ **Post date:** [October 17, 2003, 1:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-hans-moleman-lines/207924/11 "2003-10-17T13:29:18Z")
You took four minutes of my life and I want them back. Oh I’d only waste them anyway. ---
**Author:** ![Guinastasia](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/guinastasia/32/5751_2.png) [@Guinastasia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Guinastasia)\ **Post date:** [October 18, 2003, 3:58am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-hans-moleman-lines/207924/12 "2003-10-18T03:58:41Z")
We paid for blood! -at the hockey game where Bart and Lisa go head to head and then finally end the game at a tie by hugging. ---
**Author:** ![mobo85](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/b19c9b/32.png) [@mobo85](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/mobo85)\ **Post date:** [October 18, 2003, 7:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-hans-moleman-lines/207924/13 "2003-10-18T19:45:23Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by BraheSilver \* > \*\*And the kicker: > “Football To The Groin, starring Hans Moleman.” \*\* The proper title is “Hans Moleman Productions presents _Man Getting Hit By Football_.” ---
**Author:** ![HumanStromboli](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/958977/32.png) [@HumanStromboli](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/HumanStromboli)\ **Post date:** [October 18, 2003, 7:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-hans-moleman-lines/207924/14 "2003-10-18T19:59:32Z")
[Running away from Huge Human Rolling Ball created by the entire town’s population lining up in a human pyramid, falling down together, then rolling down a hill . . .] > [@](#): > > Not again! Which implies he’s been run over by a Huge Human Rolling Ball previously. Which would be just his luck. ---
**Author:** ![Torgo](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/94ad74/32.png) [@Torgo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Torgo)\ **Post date:** [October 18, 2003, 8:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-hans-moleman-lines/207924/15 "2003-10-18T20:50:15Z")
_Hans Moleman is on death row_ Reverend Lovejoy: All right, Hans. Time to go. Hans Moleman: But he ate my last meal. Reverend Lovejoy: Well, if that’s the worst thing that’s happen to you today, consider yourself lucky. (police officers approach Hans) Hans Moleman: Are you sure it’s legal to execute someone in a local jail? Reverend Lovejoy: From this point on, no talking.